It's not even the construction workers' radio blaring or the dog walkers casually pacing. I'm not bothered by the birds beginning their departure, or the mourners contemplating their own. It's all of them combined.

Every sound sets me off, every life seems to annoy me. I can't even find escape in the deadest place I could think of, since the cemetery feels especially crowded today.

It's the leaves. They scatter and fall around me, quite the opposite of me: while they are technically alone, they always have each other, in life and in death, and even now as they surround me, breathing their last breath, they still dance filled with life as if death can be cheated.

While I truly have so many caring people in my life, somehow the empty feeling of being alone is inescapable. The leaves so innocent and timeless. But all they can remind me of is the fine line destitute between loneliness and solitude.

The cycle of birth and death never-ending. I sit here pondering on my vain vague thoughts: No matter how surrounded I am, I'm always truly lonely.

Even when I search for it, encircled by these bodies past and present, I try to picture my future. Yet even when I search for it, I can never ever truly be alone. Is that something I really want?

Not until I'm buried here will I ever truly know peace.

Cyclical patterns
Spinning through eternity
Waiting for no end

"Carry on", the angel said
"Don't give up", she said to me
This voice stuck inside my head
Said it isn't time to flee.

"Just sit back", I heard him say,
The voice in red and black.
"Let it all just burn away,
For soon starts the attack."

From their lips the voices cried
Pleading for their score
Beside my neck at either side
These spirits fought a war.

The light side was enlightening,
Though difficult and long
The darkness short and tempting
Promising to make you strong.

The creatures pulled and picked apart
My body, soul and mind.
But bruised the most became my heart
Fearing all that's left behind.

They raged and danced throughout the night
And when the morning came
My choice still shone there, bold and bright,
Just waiting for my name.

Eventfully I couldn't choose
And ripped that fateful bond,
Afraid of what I had to lose
When gods they did respond.

Because I didn't sign the deed,
To earth they sent me back.
I could never fulfill their need
To pick a given track.

But for every choice not taken
A price there is to pay
Two pieces of me, mistaken
For the contract thrown away.

So now, I still hear voices
Can't decide if red or blue.
As I tore myself through choices
Now my soul  is split in two.

If you think me indecisive
Good or bad, I cannot hide.
Even if you act derisive
That's for you to decide.

Cross contamination
Offensive origins
Restless revivers
Observing order
Never necessary
Always afflicted
Vague value
Implied intrigue
Rampant reclusion
Understanding unity
Stay safe

What should I believe?
Feeling, Thinking, Acting Strange
Neverending stress.

Quintessential
Understanding separation
Avoiding proximity
Running
Away from reality
Nearly gone
Time flies relative
Instead of stabilizing it
Never carries out as
Expected

Stuck inside a place of no return
Wishing I didn't want it all to burn (away)
Constantly searching for the words
Hiding from the self-inflicted opinion of the world
But the more I search, the less I have to say
And all I want is to fade away.

The feeling that there's no escape
That once you've sealed the book of your fate
Decisions made, and people paid
But none of it ever really changed.
Yet all of it will never be the same.
My old life, never seen again.

And even now I cry
No matter how I try
Looking at what I've become
No one else will see
The truth inside of me
Nothing left but feeling numb.

So right now what's left of me
Is this mess that you can't see
And the dark decrepit chills within my soul
The words they try to soother
But there's nothing left to move
I'm Immobilized beyond my control