You remember what you wanted to be when you grow up?

Right now

When I grow up

I want to be a poet

Even if I am homeless and I use all my green paper

To buy myself some white paper

Just to **** it up all over again

I have muddied so many perfect things

With my ***** hands

***** thoughts

***** feelings

If I don’t etch myself away on something

How can I ever come clean?

Especially if I am homeless

I will cut these words out of me if I have to

I will soap box my heart out

From anywhere

Even if no one is listening

I don’t mind being the self talking

grungy stutterer you step into the street to walk away from

That awkward smacking is just me working the psalms

From the roof of my mouth like holy peanut butter

They are bitter and equally disgusting to the pallet as they are the ear

But the truth has a nasty taste

And beauty is always buried under layers of dirt

And I can’t wipe hard enough

I will never be approachable

I need to find at least 10 ways to say

No longer negotiable

I want to be a poet

Just some guy who

Puts ink to paper

The same way he

Puts paper to face

In order to soak the bleeding of his blemishes

If I don’t use something

To wipe away my *****

How will I ever be clean?

Pooping makes me sad sometimes
Sometimes it hurts
Sometimes it takes a while
Sometimes though
When it’s over
It makes me smile

People make me sad sometimes
Sometimes they hurt
Sometimes they take a while
Sometimes though
For no good reason
They make me smile

Words make me sad sometimes
Sometimes they hurt
Sometimes they stutter for a while
Sometimes though
Their timing is perfect
And they make me smile

You make me sad sometimes
Sometimes you hurt
Sometimes your love takes a while
Sometimes though
Mostly when you’re not making me sad
You’re making me smile

I sleep with the lamp on now

Only I throw a black dress shirt over it

I press my arm over my eyes

And pray that it’s only my imagination

That it’s the sound of the fan losing its pace

And not someone testing the doorknob

I pray that it’s just my fear making me realize

The actual weight of the blanket over my feet

That it’s not hands learning the curves of my skinny ankles

And then like clockwork I am awaken

To the smell of her perfume

It smells old as it lingers in my nose before fading

It is not my mother’s perfume

It is sweet and at the same time full of must

And fills my lungs with fear

Makes me hold my breath so that I cannot see it

As I feel the room suddenly get colder

I am just waiting now for a whisper

My ears are begging for it

They are on fire for a response

From the emptiness

Speaking directly to my imagination

I don’t want to see you

I don’t want to hear you

I already feel you

And the only solace I find

Is the answer to the emptiness

Existing in a world where people die

That I might one day

Breathe fear into a man

To remind him what it’s like to be a boy

In the middle of the night

When the night is ready to overtake him

When really

All I ever wanted was to remind someone

I existed

Like writing

“I was here”

On bathroom walls inside movie theaters

I was hear

And you better never forget it

I just want to not want this

But I do

I want this

Even though I can already see my heart

Dangling above a meat grinder

By a capillary vein

Pumping with the pace of desperation

That our lips might touch

I wish I didn’t want to kiss you

But I do

You are not supposed to stand so close

I can feel your breath

It is sweet when I inhale it

And I know your tongue must taste like

The coffee I am watching you drink

All the right kinds of bitter

I don’t want

To sleep alone anymore

And I don’t want

To continue guessing

What you might be thinking or doing

At this very moment

And because I don’t want anything to be unrequited between us

Right now

I’m drinking a tall can

And wondering how I can make my house not haunted

And am secretly loving you

I am secretly loving you

And all I want

The only thing

Is for you to love me back

In any way you can

Welcome to this empty house
Looks like it might sell any day
Only it’s not up for sale
The fridge is full of beer
And the doors are always open

In the back there is a room
Full of things you can break with your bare hands
Your bear hands
There are metal baseball bats
And hockey sticks if you need help

Take everything apart
Till you find replacements
For your missing parts
If you have to
We are so much duct tape and makeshift courage by now

There are days where it’s the only way to feel better
Don’t tell me
The ring in your arms as you connect
Doesn’t travel down your spine
And make you shiver like a good memory

Maybe this isn’t you
But some of us were born to break things
Some of us were born
To find our missing pieces
Inside piles and piles of missing pieces
We are so many badly sewn glassy eyes and awkward hinges by now

On the days
Where the murmur in your heart
Has you searching for some new tubing
Or when you need new wires
To reconnect your nerves
Or if you want to tighten your heartstrings
To play a calmer tune
Because there is too much distortion
In your song by now

Know there is an empty house
Stocked with beer
And in the back there is a room that I call a church
And the doors are always open

Every town is haunted
Every city
Every home
There is a ghost caught in every breath

In my house there is the ghost of a woman
Who used to cook in the fireplace after the electricity died
And the social security stopped

She fell in love with the ghost of a cloud
Who is waiting for the breeze to stop long enough
To finally enjoy the heat of the sun
As it pierces rays through it
To the ghosts still here on earth

If we did not turn to dust
We would be walking on layers of bone
We would swim in oceans of ivory
Rolling in the breeze
Sounding like hollow clatter

Gives me chills like disembodied teeth chatter
Oh no
That’s just me
Fitting into my shiver

In my mind there is the ghost of a boy
Who has the ghosts of his teeth
Buried under silver caps
He did not know what bling is
He just didn’t want his smile to feel missing

He did not know what it means to be ugly
And I wear the ghost of his smile

There are ghosts in the souls of our feet
That bind our shadows to our heels
To remind us that we are still alive

All things die
And die again
There are ghosts of ghosts
Finding their place
The way my breath makes peace with the wind

There is the ghost of peace
Practiced in the shaking of hands
Practiced in the lip quiver of a sigh
Fighting back tears of a victory

And there will one day be the ghost of myself
Haunting the house that I died in
Practiced in the patience
Learned from forever

No one told me that there was lightning at 4 am

How often does this happen?

Mine was the only car on the road

While driving from your apartment

And there was lightning

Instead of stars

No thunder

No people out that I could see

Just sleepy San Diego

And me

Happier than I have been in a long time

Despite the fact that I could not sleep

And the fact that I am sure parts of me are missing

And the fact that I feel the least alone when I actually am alone

I saw flashes of lightning

As I drove back to my haunted house

But for whatever reason

I was happy

And I wonder

How often does this happen?

I remember the days when you wanted to die
When your face was on the verge of cloudbursting
Into such a storm
I could feel the traffic jam of the sound in my own throat
Creeping up to tell you I love you

But the words dragged too slow
And I gagged
And vomited in my mouth
Swallowing all the words that should have come out

I know you stained that razor red
And I know rope burn scars when I see them
And I should have known that the safety was off
On that loaded gun I never realized was
So much determination

If I had known
I would have held your hand
And fallen with you
In the same way I fell in love with you

Split second to pavement
Split hairs over who died the longest
Because
I am still here

In the split second between the moment
You laughed at something disgusting I said
And then kissed me for no reason
I knew how this was going to end

She sang lullabies like a driveway

The gravel rolled off her tongue

And sounded like steady rain as it hit the cement

It’s the only sound sympathetic enough

To touch your black and blue

Without causing anymore ache than you already have

The sound holds me like a blanket

Made of black velvet draped over my mother’s arms

It hurts like nostalgia reminding me

That I am too big to ever be held like that again

Even if we weren’t in a cemetery

Anyone would be stupid to stop it

I felt like I walked in on something I wasn’t supposed to

But I watched and listened

As the sounds of back-country

Flowed from the mouth of this woman

Who did not know I was watching her

Her bated breaths were a sermon

Beggin’ her practitioners to accept death

I would have marched to it

Even if it led me to the edge of a cliff

I’d have stepped off careless

Holding on to the idea of home

She finally realized I was listening

And stopped long enough

To shake her finger at my nose

Before continuing

To let the gravel pour from her mouth

Onto a block of cement

Probably the same size as the casket it marked

It begged me to stay

Like a lullaby

Placing me back into my mother’s arms

Reminding me

I am way too large to ever be held that way

Again

I watched you turn into

A punching bag

Until the sand worked to settle in pit of your stomach

It’s the kind of love so heavy and jagged now

Like a kidney stone that you thought would never pass

Until it passes

Painful and ******

And you think

“How could such a small thing like that

Hurt me so badly”

And you finally understand forgiveness

Like the pinstripe scars on your back

You have to feel the metal leave you

Before you can let anything go

And you have to remind yourself

Someone is always going to love you

Despite your broken record

Skipping at the spot where

Your song hits its chorus

You have to remind yourself

That eventually

The thin metal fibers will

Find the next groove

And then you can groove

Into the beat breakin’ happy

Of your constantly confused smile

And settle your doubts

Into the arms of someone

Who doesn’t have all the answers

But knows exactly when to hold you

You have to remind yourself

How often the right thing to say

Is sitting between a bitten lip

And deep breath

And finally a smile

A laugh

A tear

Don’t offer answers to the questions you never wanted to be asked

Don’t tan the leather

Of the thickest parts of your skin

Even punching bags break

Don’t hang your head to watch

How your feet pace towards the end

The end is always gonna be there

And remember

Someone

Is always going to love you

When I wanted to be a superhero

I forgot how important it is to have a sidekick

I forgot that when I tried to go into that good night gently

I did not have to go in alone

That when I fell face first into mud thick puddles

In places so dark it feels like drowning

You could have been by my side

I forgot that I am only human

That the only weapon I’ve ever held is a pen

And the notebook I keep in my breast pocket

Would burn up at the thought of a bullet

Superheroes don’t wear pocket protectors

So when my editing pen broke

I saw what a bullet wound might look like

But I still let you fall behind

The voice of reason

Of clichéd comedy sayin’,

“Holy Ginsburg crazy man

Poets don’t save people

They just look for reasons to cry”

And if you had gone in there with me

I might have come out alive

Gone back to my day job

Loved you proper

With 9 to 5 weekday normalcy

And nights so silent

I’d have to press my ear to the wooden floor

And listen to the sound of the cold expanding

Just to fall asleep

I made it to the other side of the city

I’ve since removed my armor

It sits wrapped in slowly thinning paper

Trapped between the lines I secretly wrote you into

I never had any powers in me

Just a lot of passion in me

But I still keep forgetting

I can’t do this alone

Stop your stuttering heart

And attempts to explain how this is complicated

Let me lap the language from your mouth

Until the words become sound

There is nothing complicated about a moan

Or trying to catch your breath

Let me love you primal

Let me rewind your dizzy gut

So I can love you backwards

So we can start at the end

And you can see that we both die happy

There are no words to explain your presence

How I know that at least

One of those hits on my poetry page is you

Even then

You’d need a stethoscope to hear the subtle changes in my heartsong

So don’t give me reasons why this won’t work

You should know by now

That I was born to surprise people

I’m an underachiever

You can let slide by this time

We both know how this ends

Let’s get past this and

Go straight to the good part

Where I turn your doubts into sounds

Even a baby can understand

Adults coo sometimes

Let me be a quiet sigh of relief

In order to mask the mumbles

Of your fear

Let me turn you into a sound

A moan

A sigh

A quiet breath

And then

Let me love you

I am too patient to hold my anger for long

But I’d hate you forever if you let me

My short fuse diffused

By your apathy

Just the other day my cat brought me a mouse

Its legs kicked trying to catch invisible ground

So it could find someplace to hide

I watched it die slowly

Because I never learned ******* anything

I think of days where I have been filled with fear

Days where the bubbles in my butterfly gut

Burst the psalms of some unrequited

Love song with the title of your name

The gentleness of your other cheek

Remind me that those are

The same days where I try to catch ground that melts beneath my feet

And I have nowhere to hide

And how I wished someone would have put me out of my misery

Put me out of my misery

There are days where

It would be easier to forget

That I ever loved you

Than tryin’ to hold on to the anger

I create

In order to forget that you don’t love me

Anymore

It is similar to when you get so drunk

You eat just to feel yourself eating

Or you ****

Just to feel yourself *******

There is this thin glove covering

The memories of us

And I am ashamed knowing that

You fell asleep in my arms

And I can’t remember what it felt like

I tried to sleep in the shape

Of a hollowed log

So that I could feel like

I might actually be able to protect somebody

That the thin shell of myself might at least keep the rain out

I know we kissed

Through the thin veil of inebriation

And you laughed saying that my beard tickled

I want to remember what you smell like

But through the buzz

My olfactory

Became an old factory

That shut down

In the morning my mouth tasted like copper

From biting my cheek in my half sleep

And you smelled like a perfume shop

From the distance of subtlety

Still beautiful first thing in the morning

And I felt just shy of *****

And mostly ashamed

That I couldn’t remember

What you felt like

You sound so beautiful
In the rhythm of your heartbreak

So regal in the words from the mouth
Of a giant trumpeted over the plains
At daybreak

The way the elephant stands
Ivory gnarled and precious
Perfect and rare
Like the words you spin from your ivory teeth

Sometimes only glinting from the
Corner of your coyote snicker
A bitter trickster
Playing the beat

And I am in awe
Expecting there to be thunder
From the pound of your feet

But you manage to muffle the
Roll of the rain clouds
So as not to scare the other animals into hiding
So we can all rejoice at the rain

Then the crack of lightning
As it strikes the temples of those
Who stick around long enough
To appreciate the burn inside

You are the regal sound of
elephant trumpet thunder
And the late night
Howl of coyote’s laughter

Knowing perfectly
That it’s your timing
That keeps all the other animals
Up at night

He stretches his arms in my direction

Hands limp and exposing his wrists

Eyes beginning to sweat

He says

“I think my hands are broken

Because they don’t know how to make things”

He begins to tell me how he imagines that he can draw

Anything he wants to

And when he puts pencil to paper

The lines don’t make sense

Or the sculptures he tries to build with play dough

Are mushy

And stupid

And shaped like the insides of his hands

Which are also stupid

He goes to punch the wall and misses

So he tells me that he can’t even break things

His hands are that dumb

Then finally

Because there is nothing left to do

He cries into them

And I wrap my arms around his thin body

And say

“That is a start”

Something about the smell of rain soaked pavement
Just after the storm settles
Just after the winds whip
My wet hair into my eyes

Something about the gentle slide of tires
Occasionally losing their grip
Because I get lost in the heavy thud of sky
Begging to break in through the roof
And I step a little harder on the gas pedal

The way the earth smells
Just after the storm passes
The way the palm trees regain their height
Despite the hurricane of your sighs
The way the water always finds its way back to itself
The same water that is on my lips will eventually be there again

And it makes me almost believe
That I might actually be able to come clean someday
That forgiveness is the rain pulling the dirt away
Knowing that once it leaves we’ll be ***** again

I tell you this as I drive with the sunroof open
And the windows down
My hand is out the window palm up and cupped
You remind me how stupid I am

So I let the flood in
And we both get wet
And while the rain runs down my face
I secretly cry

And just as suddenly as it started
It stops
I wipe my face and step out

There is something about the smell
Of rain soaked pavement
Just after the storm passes

I want to put my hands in your pockets

To feel the muscles in your thighs

And it makes me want to wear you like a crown

Until the weight of you doubles my back into tantric

And forces out of us the sounds

Of open windowed honeymoons

And shameful moans

Slipping through the jail of my fingers over your mouth

And it’s only shameful this time

Because we are outside

Please if you could

Keep the ***** talk going until

We’ve soiled the blood-money to sopping

In the imaginary world of the things you make me say

Guilty started once you took your coat off

We’ve shed this skin to sin

And now I’m just lightning

Stabbing at your thunder

What’s your name again?

You can make it up

I will shout anything you want me to

Into the darkness of wherever

I am open to anything

Promise

You don’t have to feel bad in the morning

I can pretend we never met in public

It’s not like I can take you dancing

I have two left feet

I won’t buy you drinks

You wouldn’t take them anyway

I will even look the other way

When some other guy dishes out

His disaster for you to break your bones in

He doesn’t mean anything anyway

Just know

I am probably sleeping alone if you’re not here

But I won’t always be thinking about you

I have just enough time on this earth to love you fully

If you let me love you now

There is an eternity beyond this moment

Where we can go our separate ways

But while my soul is still trapped inside this

Messed up mound of flesh

It would love it if you joined mine

Let’s be messed mounds together

We’ll look less like human beings and more like drying play dough

And when your skin is cracked and your marble begins to

Shatter and lose its sheen

I will polish you off until my hands no longer work

A lifetime isn’t long enough to make things better

But it’s all I got

So don’t keep me waiting

Because I will be there even when you turn into a child again

And those “oops I crapped my pants” commercials will no longer be funny

We can be children together

Helpless until we finally go our separate ways

But let me love you until then

You are more than second chances

And more than redemption

You are the mouth singing softly

The song of fornication

Grapes juice themselves when you speak

And turn to wine

Your voice is that illicit

You still my stutter to speechless

You

cruel lady

Are so careless with the hearts you impale with your heels

On the rare occasions you wear them

And please stop throwing your head back when you laugh

Or speaking so softly that I feel I need to move closer

I can’t get any closer

Not without knowing you love me

Patience is for people who have the time to wait

I have a lifetime

And it isn’t nearly long enough

There is this mountain

And this song that echoes through the valleys below it

Bellowing heavy and hollow

So deep that when you stand at the base

It fills your chest the way a bass drum does

Rather than mimicking the awkward music-less thump of your heart

It is constant

It begs you to find its center

Numbs you the way beer does

Breaks you down to this one feeling

Of forever

The way humming eventually tickles your lips

And you just can’t stop

Don’t stop

Just enter

If you ever wake up and find that I am no longer here

Know that there is this mountain

With a trail leading to its center

And it is humming the song of forever

Know that my carbon footprint is shallow enough

That the dirt my body turns into

Will fill it exactly

Know that home was never in cages

Not in dirt walls

Or wood walls

Or concrete walls

Walls do not belong in such wide open spaces

So if you wake up tomorrow

And find that I am gone

Know that there is this song

That anyone can sing just by humming

Until your lips go numb

Know that song is me

I never wanted anyone to love me

And I never wanted any more that what I already have

This whole time we’ve had it all wrong

And we never realized it

Keep the answers locked up like secrets

That we are too guilty to share

If the only thing my epitaph ever says is

“He was a good man”

I would have lived perfectly

So

If you wake up tomorrow

And I am gone

Remember the mountain

And its song

Remember it may be the hardest place for anyone to ever get to

But it feels more like home

Than any place ever will

From the age of 7 to yesterday

I wanted to be a magician

I wanted to saw people in half

And make friends with tigers

I wanted so badly

To own the smoke and mirrors

That distorted the world in front of me

It was in my blood

This house was built on rigged floorboards

I can fall from any height when the rug is pulled

And land safely

I am practiced in

Slight of hand

And slight of tongue

My voice is a distraction

Only convincing because of the

Way it builds

Causing whoever is listening

To expect something magical to happen

         Hocus Pocus

It really is magic to think that time and time

Again

You’ll listen

And believe me

There is nothing up my sleeve

I am still trying to find stitches

Big enough to reattach the parts of you

I sawed away

And hammers big enough to smash the mirrors I used

To lie about the way we look when we’re together

And the smoke

So much smoke building

Like a fire that was never meant to be put out

There is a fire escape

Right behind the trap door

To this whole thing

You know my tricks

You know all my secrets

You’ve fanned through all the pages of my work

Just know

You can leave any time

Right over there

Next to my pens and my poetry

Past the loose floorboards

And the hanging body of my last assistant

Is the EXIT sign

Gag gag and gargle
Draggin’ through the muck of
That place you said you’d never go back to
Screamin’ like a devil in the dark

The bump and grind of his *****
Bump and grind
Got you buckin’ backwards like a
Bulldog
But we both know you should’a’ never brought a dog
To a gun fight

Too late for tears darlin’
Bite lipped quivers never saved a soul
Can hear the fear in the breaks for sobs

The door to his apartment never beckoned
But you broke down the doors
Like you had something to prove
Bent you bilaterally like
The corner you backed yourself into

So perfect in your symmetry
Till you left me for him
Now you got the heart-sag
Jaw dropped
Dope fiend look

Tearing up at the sky
And the flowers
White powder pluggin up your nose holes
Can’t smell the **** on your knees now
Or the muck you got stuck in

You said I wasn’t as fun as he was
As he is
I never wanted to save you anyway
I just thought it was beautiful
The way you praised me for the things I say
And the way I say ‘em

Ya know
I got blasted backwards
By the backlash of you leaving
Kicked up so much dust in the rubble
And left me dizzy with the rumble
Of your feet fleeing the song of some ***** stomp
Headin’
Farther and farther away from safety

At least I was safe
I wasn’t bitter
Even my bite was gentle
Kind enough to remind you I still got teeth
But I won’t use ‘em

So before you leave me
Again
Take the burden
The baggage
The weight of my shoulders
The wait for the phone call sayin’ you finally
****** up and died on me
The mix tapes
The t-shirts
The memories of every moment my heart kept sayin’
“She won’t stay
But hold her for as long as she’ll let you”

Take it all
And go

He is just tall enough to make me feel like a giant by the way he cranes his neck to look at me

His hands are too small for the camera he is holding

No one notices as he takes pictures of them

While they look at pictures on the walls

I ask him if I am on his camera

And he asks me to sit so he can show me

“Start at the beginning,” I say

There are no pictures of the actual work in any of his photographs

These are 14 megapixel close-ups

Of faces you thought you only made when you were alone

And I don’t want to see myself anymore

But I don’t stop him

These paintings might as well be mirrors

They might as well be

Crystal clear soul windows daring us to stare

a moment longer

The faces we make into them are response enough

To what we see inside

I already know what I see inside

It’s like listening to your own voice on a tape recorder

You can hear how ugly your voice is

Even though

everyone else tells you

“You sound like yourself”

Looking at these pictures is like walking in on your parents having ***

I know I am not supposed to be here

And after about 30 pictures we get to mine

These are 14 megapixels worth of tears drying on my cheeks

Suddenly I wish this museum was on fire

And the beams above us would come crashing down and bury us

I wonder why a little boy felt the need to photograph my soul

And I hate him for it

I hate his smile

And his eyes that have not yet seen enough

And his heart

Beating like a hesitant breeze

Warning us of winter

He must see all this on my face

Because he takes another picture

Then runs to his father almost tripping over the camera

Which hangs from a lanyard

Wrapped around his tiny wrist

I get up and leave

I avoid my own reflection in windows as I walk back to my car

I never again want to see what I feel like

And I will spend the rest of my life knowing

That somewhere

There is a little boy with a camera

That holds a picture of me

While I am crying

These are the angels of bread

They fill my guts like cotton just thick enough

To hide the rumble of my hunger

They find their ways into the empty spots that you made when you

Stopped talking to me

They soften the longing

Their crusts just crunchy enough to substantiate

The desire for the texture that’s somehow gone missing

They get stuck in my throat so that it sounds like smoke

When I speak

Soft enough to remind me not to place so much anger in my words

Speak softly

So the world listens carefully

So when it finally speaks back

It is soft too

Like the angels of bread

They rise slowly from pools of fungus and warm water

They give life from things as simple as flour and heat

And patience

It takes patience to bake bread

It takes that same kind of patience to want to be around me

Catch me at the wrong temperature and I don’t mold so easily

So go ahead and give up on me

These are the angels of bread

Who tease our hunger

With the smell of something good

And always manage to come through

When I was little

I slathered them in peanut butter and jelly

They satiate my soul

Like the idea of Georgia

It’s a place I’ve never been

But it always sounds like home

These are the angels of bread

Kind enough to silence the earth so

All I hear is the click of my jaw when they hold me

Working out the memories you left behind

Couldn’t pack up everything when you left

You had to leave me those

And this recipe leaving my home smellin’ like a bakery

Only now it smells like Georgia

A place I’ve never been

A place that reminds me of you

Home

Maybe it was weird that I didn’t move my hand

When it rested against yours

Or that I didn’t move my leg when our knees touched

Or that when we slept facing opposite directions

So we could share the same pillow

I pretended to be asleep when my lips touched your forehead

Just so we could be close a minute longer

I know I cry in my sleep

But you don’t have the same dreams I do

And you don’t have that awkward belief

That all people fit like puzzles if you press hard enough

What the hell do you think hugs are?

Or holding hands is?

I know I can’t accidentally fall into you

And sure

maybe it’s weird that I rub my socks into the carpet

With the sole purpose of shocking you

But how else do you make sparks fly?

I know that my life’s story is an open book I tell so well

My pages are shameless

And my words are honest

And yeah

I know I stare at your mouth when you speak

It’s just that

Eye contact freaks me out

And I’m sorry I spaced out while you were talking

It’s just that I was staring at your lips

And I suddenly wanted to kiss you

I know I have no filter

And am practiced in the art of bad timing

And poor explanations

But we’re only human

We only want simple things

Like to be needed by other humans

Go ahead

Need me like a parasite

I’ve already got so much excess baggage

The weight of your monkey on my back

Might as well be an anchor

Keeping me next to you

There should be dents in your memory foam by now

Pretty lady

There are dents in my cheeks from all the smiling you cause me

And I’m pretty sure you could light a match

From the heat in my face

So I am sorry if I can get a little creepy

It just means I like you

There are monsters eating at your soul

Just a few bites now and then

Just enough to make you wonder

Where the drain is

What tub are you filling when that emptiness sets?

Where does your heart go when you have nothing to pour it into?

Where has all the time gone?

Because you’ve got bags so big your eyes look like caves

At least now you know where all your tears went

And why don’t you sleep anymore?

You’ve never been good looking enough for beauty sleep but still

Didn’t anyone ever teach you what it means to be sacred?

When you die

You’ll see me one last time in this mirror

And I’ll show you everything sacred you missed

Every time you make someone smile

Is sacred

The gloves you wear when you box the hell out of yourself

Are sacred

Every girl you’ve ever wanted to kiss

Their lips are sacred

Every moment you spend reminding your brother and sister how important they actually are

Is sacred

Every morning

Every afternoon

Every evening for the rest of your life

Should be sacred

Your poetry even if it never passes your lips

Even if it never changes lives

Even if no one ever likes it

It is sacred

The time it takes to finally learn to love yourself

Is sacred

I know you’ve got years to go

And scars to heal

Your flesh is not done bubbling from the heat inside of your soul

And the monsters you are too stupid to ask to leave

Are not even close to full

And it might not be long before we meet again

Just know that not everything is going to make sense

Yeah you might have been a mistake

But so many mistakes

Are sacred

You slept on the 3 hour drive home

I didn’t mind the midnight silence

Or the awkward rumble of the engine

The vibrations settled the dirt in our souls

Packed down the memories so we could make more

Like when our mothers used to put us in the car and drive

So that we could finally fall asleep

Sometimes

My mother placed a back massager underneath the mattress in my crib instead of driving

My body is practiced in the art of settling

Settle into this

So that your soul might fit into the smallest spaces

Like dust on a mantle

Or the sand underneath the sand

That holds up the sea floor

Settle into me

Settle into my passenger seat

The way you did when you were little

Know

That you always have a safe place there

While I drive a hundred

In the middle of the night

The roads are empty

And I am wide awake

Know

That one day we will be no stronger than breaths of air

And we will be dust in a box that those breaths can blow anywhere

And find rest in the smallest places

Know

That if you want to

You can always find rest here

I don’t feel like playin’

People already confuse me enough in person
Now there’s trying to convey emotion electronically
I know there’s always static in my nerves when you touch me
And the guy sending all these texts messages is trying desperately
To make you understand

Games are for people who have something to lose
You don’t lose people
I don’t want to lose you

Game is bar talk for getting your dress off

Keep it on
Why don’t you

Let me be me
And you can be you
Let’s not pass go and not collect 200 dollars
Let’s just sit here a while

Yes that is a pawn in my pocket
But this was checkmate the moment I saw you
And my battle ship is sunk
And if you let me take you home tonight
I promise not to yell

“King Me!”

So don’t send me signals
Radio or Smoke
My receptor is off
You obviously have been missing the Morse Code
I’ve been nervously tapping onto the floor

“Just Kiss Me”
“Just Kiss Me”

Right up front
This one card stud
Always plays the joker
And will play tag if you promise to touch me back
Might get nervous and make it freeze tag
But I won’t jump ropes
And half the time I’ll catch half of the things you’re trying to secretly tell me

So if you could
Let me be me
And you be you

No games this time

If loose lips sink ships

Then this buzz has unanchored the foot in my mouth

And now I really have some **** to say

Because the only time my mouth might look like it were about to launch torpedoes is

Now

Similar to blowing a bubble

Or anticipating a kiss

I aim to sink heavy metal devils with this drunken word stumble

I am done feeling lost in your sea

Waiting for your wind to take me away from unrequited

To simply sunken

Bring on your lovely devils

And apology notes

I’ll grit my teeth and bear it

I mean pretending not to care has never really been easy for me

I mean if I were an ostrich

I’d have my head in the ground right now

But thank god for beer

And best friends who owe you money

And the silence and patience it takes to decipher

The mental drunken slur of

“Stop hurting me like that”

Like Frank Sinatra said

“The best part about waking up with a hangover is

the only thing you have to look forward to

is feeling better”

I can’t wait to feel better

So bring on your jazz and work me up

And trumpet your lies

Mock love forgiveness

This headache was worth the trouble of forgetting

Sea foam

Beer foam

Either way I’m drowning with this ship

And either way I’m waking up

Missing you

And regretting everything I’ve said

I got your **** right here darlin’

My jaw is the hardest workin’ part of my body

And it never ceases to ***** chomp

Like premature bear trap

I mean lover,

I’ll sing you songs under the covers while you sleep

And wake you up

While standing over you lookin’ possessed like a bad horror film

The light from outside blinds you and blacks out my front

And maybe you won’t ever talk to me again

Been known to do that

Scare people off

With everything I do

This aint neediness love,

I just get so excited when you talk to me

Like a kid ready to run his mouth about his day

Me?

I’ll ***** talk your head off

And dance naked in the daylight before I leave

Make you coffee and eggs in the morning because

I can never sleep

Two eggs over easy, a sausage, and some hash browns

I call it my ******* continental

Please laugh for me one more time before I go

Thought there’d be more humor in my breakfast

That’s when you tell me that you can never be with somebody who can never take life seriously

Woman,

I’ll take you so seriously

Like the clap and the ***** we might’a traded

I don’t put people on pedestals because

I like things I can actually reach

Actually hold at night while they fall asleep

Let’s make a baby

Name him Norman

You know I am serious

About the name

not the baby

I’m not a father figure even though my figure aint good for much

Got it in sad clown college

It’s the one people go to when they want to make people laugh

Not because they want people to be happy

But because it’s the only way to get anyone to like them

Just when you tell your friends later

About that one time that I was your lover

Remember

I never wanted to be anywhere close to the best you had

I only wanted to be your favorite

The guy who can make you laugh and moan at the same time

And pluck your heartstring like a frustrated lullaby

The only guy who can actually make your breakfast *****

And then write you poetry

I wasn’t exactly sure how I got home
I surprise myself that I haven’t smashed angels into the pavement yet by my carelessness
For the first time in my entire life I prayed
That I might understand what it is to be a man

That night I dreamt and God spoke to me
While I stood in the center of a wheat field
Frozen like a scarecrow on a cross

I just wanted answers
For why so much is wrong with me

God,
Why are there so many things wrong with me?

His voice was as gentle as the onset of rain
And as convincing as the rumble of thunder in the distance
He said this:

*Of all the times I’ve birthed this world and let it crumble
There have been millions of versions of yourself
Each one lived and breathed and finally died the same man
I don’t expect much from you
Mostly because I designed you to break
Just do me one favor
Don’t hurt anyone
Especially yourself

I didn’t mean to frighten you
When I walked towards you with part of a broken mirror in my hand
I wasn’t going to cut you
I just wanted you to see
How your smile makes me feel when I am able to make you laugh

You asked me where I was gonna be when the world ended
I said I was going to be livin’ in the woods somewhere
Making pancakes for my new forest friends
And you laughed again
I watched your lips move in the reflection of the glass

We forget how not to take things so seriously
We forget that skin
Is not synonymous with a cutting board
I don’t splinter
Not anymore

When the world ends
If you’re not in my arms
I’ll be six feet under

Remember how I want to be buried?
Naked and directly in the ground
I want you to fill my mouth with seeds
So that my body might finally grow something beautiful
Even if my soul’s not here to enjoy it

I’m done singin’ songs for heartache
I just want to watch you laugh
I promise
It’s the only way I’ll ever bring tears to your eyes

We forget how not to be so scared all the time
I can’t stop every stray arrow
Headed directly at your heart
And I don’t have a time machine to go back and fix everything

But if I did
I’d go back and meet your mom and dad
And tell them
Your daughter
She has her mother’s smile
And her father’s sense of presence
I’d say
Don’t let this one walk away from me
And then I’d ask where they were planning on being when the world ended

We forget that the future is supposed to be a mystery
I had no clue where this was headed
But before I left and while you were in the bathroom
I wrote you a poem on a bar napkin:
                                                              “I know I never really have the words
                                                                    And your lips make me nervous
                                                            And your laugh makes me want to kiss you
                                                                      So that I can feel it in my chest
                                                                           I’d recycle your laughter
                                                                                           Also
                                                                                  I really like you”

I
It is your birthday
The drool stains on your shirt have not dried yet
Your jaw hangs slack from the weight of the ******
You remove the red tissue paper from the blue gift bag
Blue is your favorite color
When the paper is in your hand
It mocks the texture of your skin

II
I used to be afraid of those hands
They used to move
Until I hung slack from the weight of your terror
I promised myself
that anger
Will never carry out through our bloodline
I lose myself some days
Trapped in the process of patience

III
You never needed me to forgive you
Cleaning up your blood is forgiveness enough
I am humbled by the weight of your helplessness
Forget the fear you caused me
The window you threw me through
The constant tests to keep my hands in my pockets
To be the better man
Forget that today is your birthday
Your memories have smashed
From the weight of this disease

IV
You pull out a pair of pants
And some t-shirts
You probably don’t want them
But you need more
“Oh,” you say.
“Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. This is good,” you say.

V
I finally forgive you
For everything
Because at some point
I promised myself to become
A good man

“Happy Birthday,” I say.

She told me it was endearing

The way I move my hands

Never mind that I was drunk

Again

Never mind that if hands could stutter

Mine were half loaded cannons

Threatening to hit anyone who got too close

So I showed her the sign for

“I love you”

And

“Beautiful”

And because it’s my favorite

“Dream”

With her back to my chest I told her a story with my hands and her body

She told me that she never realized hands could say so much

Forget that they feel like zippers sometimes

The way they clasp into love

Forget about the days

When fists were held in the air

You acted surprised when so many people looked like superman and solidarity

Forget that mine tremble with no sign of stopping

From the chemo

And the fear that anyone I love will someday leave me

When we hold hands you can feel it

And I’m always asked if I’m cold

I show her the sign for

“Butterfly”

And

“Stubborn”

And explain my second favorite sign is

“Believe”

Because you’re really telling people that you are married to your thoughts

I jokingly sign

“Marry”

And

“Heartache”

But I tell her it means that I am trying to keep my heart trapped in my body

Like it might try and escape

These hands

They will bake you a cake on your birthday

And they will rub your shoulders when you need to relax

They will squeeze you like they were trying to remember what you feel like

These hands

They can do so much

Her bones sound like the shaky clink of a glass teacup

On a glass plate

And she’s trying to keep it all steady

Her eyes are blue and huge inside her glasses which

I hope make me look as larger than life as she pretends I am

As I pretend to be

Even though it’s against protocol

I hold her hand as we walk through the aisles

And it feels like that one time paper became human

And asked you to pretend it was

Just long enough to know what love felt like

I wanted to tell her I love her

“You’re so sweet,” she said

“So handsome”

“Such a nice smile” she said

I wanted to push the red beaming sun of my face to her cheek

so she could feel me blush

First we looked for hair spray

And then we looked for lipstick

Her favorite chocolate

Which she confided tasted like ****

But she had to stick to sugar free now

And then we looked for her arthritis medicine

Adult diapers

A bedside ******

Please take the years I am not using

I’d die young to keep you here a little longer

To fight back the dust in your bones

And the paper of your skin

I want you to wake up every morning

So when I ask you how your day has been

You can say more than

“Well

I woke up again”

******* lady

If you knew what I would do to stop this

Her smile never fades

No shame hidden in the wrinkles of her face

I let her out the back so she can get to the street corner faster

“Such a nice young boy” She says

And I just want to tell her

I love her

I don’t know where the right place is

But if you ever found it

That’s where my heart would be

Pumpin’ contently

Good intentions lookin’ like veins

Stackin’ up like a spiral train track headin’ up and out

It’s the only way they grow

Up and out

Like weeds

They grow from anywhere

I had a friend who’s car was so messy weeds were growin’ in his back seat

Love is synonymous with the way weeds grow

Makes me thankful for the fissures in the foundation that holds me

On days where the money runs out

And I can’t even keep my own head above water

On days where I collapse into the fault lines I’ve made for myself

There’s still love in there

I know I’m not perfect

But the intentions bleedin’ out from the cracks in my skin

Are beggin’ for forgiveness

Like it was all that I ever wanted

I hate the fact that I push people away

And I hate the fact that I can get so obnoxious

That even my laugh sounds like thunder

beggin’ ya to punch me in the face

Go ahead and stop lovin’ me if you have to

Just know

If you ever found the right place

Maybe stumbled upon it like a hole in the ground

That you somehow missed

My heart would be in there

Good intentions

Workin’ up like weeds

Beggin’ you to love me

It was the only year that I got fat

From eating chocolate bars that my mother bought with the left over EBT cash

That way when she did my laundry

she could get mad about the

Chocolate stains on my sleeves

So I ate until I got sick

And bled until I passed out

It was the year that hangs heavy in the hallows of my heart

The same year of my second suicide attempt

You should know this

I know the crash of the gallows hangin’ from your shoulders

Sends thunder through your ears

I know the angel that’s supposed to sit on the other

Looks like a gargoyle sometimes

I know there are days where

You freeze up

Locked in place until someone finally touches you

There were words trapped underneath my skin

So I cut them out

So I could finally makes sense

Of the irregular morse code of my heart beat

There were words comin’ out of my mouth

Always the wrong words

So I tried to lasso my throat shut

What you should know is

There will always be days where gravity tries to trap you here

It’s why I ring doorbells all the time

My angel needs its wings

I want your angel to have its wings

This year

This is the year that

I find the words

To explain to you what my heart’s been sayin’

The year the gallows no longer crash

The year my angel gets its wings

If you didn’t know this before

You are so perfect

You are so amazing

Your smile is amazing

On the days you are happy to see me

I swear I could take your cheeks sailing

We never needed the words

To explain what my heart's been saying

At any given moment

As long as I am breathing

There’s a guy

Thumbin’ doorbells as desperate as impatience

Teary eyed and trembling

Just trying

To get you back your wings

Won’t you leave me alone

No please don’t go

I mean

Just stand there and let me think a minute

While I walk backwards out the door

This is my entrance in reverse

How I’ve turned myself into an optical illusion

Like the one with the mean old lady

Or is it the princess

Or

you know

the two old people in love

no

that’s not it

It’s the wine glasses

The ones I make you drink whiskey and beer out of

Because we’ve always thought it was classy

I’ve always fantasized about the ways I might leave this place

I have this black and white photo of you

And if I stare at the center of it for 3 minutes

When I shut my eyes I see you on the back of my lids

So what I mean is

You can leave now

I got my two left shoes

And my knapsack full of road maps

I always circle back sooner or later

I mean

You have that black and white photo of me too

And one of my right shoes

I leave things places

Just to come back for them

You’ve got the part of me that’s just off center

The parallel line that redefines my optical illusion

I walk backwards through doors

And run circles in floors

And drink whiskey from wine glasses

And I always come back

For the things I leave behind

When I lived in the hospital

Once a week a woman came and read to me

Then I read to her

And every week she asked me

what I wanted to be when I grow up

I always answered

With all the seriousness of a little boy

Who wanted to one day be a man

Could muster

“I am going to be a super hero”

The kind that can control the forests

so I could build everyone houses

Or be like Jesus with the fishes

so no one would ever be hungry

I wanted to be strong like my father was

I wanted to be brave

I told her how I was happy for the chemotherapy

Because  nuclear radiation usually only makes villains

Told her

How after the nurses injected me

My body felt like fire

And how I hoped

it would give me the power to control my body temperature

That way

If I ever held anyone

They would never have to be cold

And if you asked me now

What I want to be when I grow up

I’d tell you

I still want to be a super hero

I want to fight back the darkness

With all the strength of the sun

Or wrestle your demons

Or talk to animals

Even if it was just bunny rabbits

I’d find use for it

But I can’t do any of those things

I know we never become what we thought we would when we were kids

I don’t have a skylight calling me to action

Or extra senses alerting me to danger

I barely have my normal senses

I do have this though

A super power I call a cell phone

It’s always on

And I’ll always answer

Because

I at least got enough presence

To keep you from falling asleep alone

And enough spark in my heart to set my words on fire

Enough soul in the songs that I sing

To keep you from leaving again

Enough fat on my bones that I’m comfy to lay with

So if you’re lonely

Or tired

If you need a ride home

Or want me to back you in a fist fight

Or just need a friend

I have this magical thing that I call an ear

Mine

It listens so well

So pick up your super power I call a cell phone

And call me

He was working the register at Save-a-Lot foods

The line slowly building towards the end of the store

I saw it

In the veins that stood out on the tip of his nose

In his white hair pushed back despite the receding hair line

In the sag of his lower lip

Making his jowls jiggle as he turned his head

I saw how his lower lip longed for the chewing tobacco it used to hold

I stood in line holding a cart full of lonely

And I wanted to tell him

“You look like the kind of man who’s only ever made daughters

And your hands

Are too calloused

for taking money

and bagging groceries

I know you

How the top of your gut is tight from the hunger

Of not having eaten yet

You were never meant for this

Man

You were never meant to work like this

Humbled by the heartache caused by a dime

We got the same change clangin’ in our pockets

Got the same sorrow

For not having made enough people happy

I know the minute the beer is full someone will take more

And the minute you sit down

And rub your calloused fingertips across your eyes

The phone will ring

Man

I know it wasn’t your fault

When the lady got mad that the prices were wrong

The prices are always wrong

I know

You’ve been here too long

We both

have been here too long

When my hair is grey

Today’s change will still ring off the countertops

And I'm sorry

For everything”

But I didn’t say any of that

I said

Hi

I did not use his name

Because I know how condescending it really sounds to do that

It was Patrick by the way

I gave him a twenty

He gave me a penny

It clanged in my pocket like the last bell on a broken wind chime

And then I said

Thanks Man

And left

God done ****** up again

This time by lettin’ that halo slip from around your holy head

And because he’s full of excuses

he said

“You know

Her halo was so big it must’ve got caught in the birth canal”

Really

that halo was a birth control ring

one of the clear plastic ones

And really

you were a miracle that you came out so perfect

And God done ****** up again by lettin’ that halo slip

In my whole life there have only been 3 miracles I have ever seen

And God can take the credit

Only

Because he didn’t stop them from happening

1: My brother is the most perfect thing to happen on this earth since innocence found its voice and used it
to cry because people are mean sometimes.

2: In my almost 23 years of life, I have almost died 8 times. The miracle in that is, that no matter what my brain might tell me, my body is too dumb to give up on life that easily.

3: You were born into this world. I consider it a miracle that I met you.

I’d give you a halo if you’d let me

I’d become a priest just so I could get close enough to god to tell him

“Man

Quit this crap

We both know the world is ugly

We both know I lay awake most nights because I can’t turn off my brain

We both know that when we finally meet

we will sit at a table

Over a deck of cards

And some cigars

And my favorite beer

Just so we can spend the lifetime it will take

Discussing how I ****** things up over and over again

But Man

Just own up to this one mistake and give the Halo back”

I saw it once

Shaped like a battle field

Or the spilled milk you sometimes cry over

Or a childhood race track

One that in your memories you go to

Over and over again

In my whole life

I have only witnessed a few miracles

And the last one

Was you

I

I sing songs

The voice of God trembling in my belly

The songs were always for you

So much love in these hands

I could hold anything like it were a baby

Even you

I can hold you like a baby

Teary eyed and trembling

Gaze down upon you like the moonlight

Kisses the trees

I can kiss you

While you sleep

Give you chills like gentle insect feet

Make you moan like a memory

I

Have veins pumping so much blood

Into my heart

My heart is so big

It breaks my rib cage sometimes

And despite the pain

I can still hug you like a bear

Groan at the weight of my arms

I used to sing songs

About how my father never loved me

And how my mother never loved me

And now

I sing songs

About how much I love you

And

Don’t get me wrong

Sometimes smoke still billows from my throat

And I choke on the love songs

Sometimes I cough up feathers from

The birds

Beating tornadoes in my chest

And I drown

From the beer that I drink

Before I write these songs

And before I text these songs

Blowin up your phone

I wake up some days

Heart strings still pluckin’ away

Fingerpick still diggin’ into my skin

And sometimes

Because I got words

And maybe some paper

I just sing

I come from a long line of bad habits and mistakes

How I have

my father’s train-wreck

And

my mother’s constantly questioning heart

Asking

“Do you love me?”

I will beg you to love me like a train wreck

And I will whistle love songs

At every grinding halt

You never saw the size of the bell tower that birthed me

Never heard when the hunchback chimed the hour

I came out screaming

9:30 in the morning shortly after the start of fall

For us though

It was fire season

And I

am an air sign

Kind enough to fan the coals to bursting

Train wreck building speed

I have my father’s impatience

And my mother’s other cheek

When she turns it

This is how you gut a fish

And this is how you **** a man

This is how to not leave bruises when you hit someone

And this

This is a dead end

Without that darkened tunnel with the light at the end

But I am thankful

Because I have my father’s rust

and my mother’s metal bones

this hand I was dealt

will shiver

Until it’s stuck in place

You didn’t see the size of the train wreck that made me

And you didn’t hear the hunchback’s desperate clatter

And if we’re lucky

You’ll hear me whistle love songs

At that last grinding halt

Lately I have been moved to tears

Whenever I catch myself alone

And I think no one is watching

Turns out I am still naïve enough to think

People talk about me when I am not around

Like there was anything worth saying

Or that I had the power to move words

Instead of them moving me

They move me

Still dumb enough for this poem to remind me of a joke

Does a bear sleep in the woods?

Does a bear **** in the woods?

If it knocks down a tree and no one is there to see it happen,

Does a bear make a sound in the woods?

Just like if I trap my sobs in a pillow and no one is there

To put their hand on my shoulder

Do I make a sound?

Or if no one is there to punch me in the gut

Do I still double over

From the pressure of begging God

For more patience than this

For more strength than this

For more love than this

For more hunger than this

I go days without eating

Just so I don’t have to feel sick again

Makes me wish it was the cancer

Just so there is something to take outa me

And it’s got me believing in fairy tales

Like God

Or the Wizard of Oz

telling me

You silly man

You had the patience

all along

You had the strength

all along

You had the love

all along

You had the hunger

all along

Bears **** in the woods

And the words move me too

And always remember

To ignore the man behind the curtain

I’d rather die young

Than grow old

I will not follow in the footsteps of deliriousness

Hands trembling

To grasp at the memories

Or names

I refuse to forget my own name

Or stutter at heartache

Until I bite my own tongue

I refuse to grow old like you

To give up like you

I’d rather keep a noose

Tied tightly to my birth

To yank me like a ripcord

The second my voice sounds like yours

Trap the hate in my throat

Keep the old out’a my bones

The quiver out’a my knees

My son

Will never have to carry me to the bathroom

Or wonder if I loved him

He will never grow old like we did

Embrace the cold like we did

Beg people to hold him until he falls asleep at night

Just so he can remember

The warmth

**** going gently

And crying at the light

**** being forgiven

For letting the world fall apart

My son

And my brother

Will be so much stronger than we were

They will know that I love them

And they will know that they are safe at night

They will never carry me anywhere

Even if it’s my coffin

To its grave