Hit heartbreak in a Hyundai goin’ about 45

Still jerks you like it was a hundred when the breaks are finally hit

Been shaving the rust from my bones

To make guitar strings

Because I still got a song in there

Might not be much

But it’s somethin’

Comes out all tinny

Like when live radio sounded like it was comin’ from a can

Hide the fact that I can’t sing

Sound isn’t even affected by 45 miles an hour

Still perfectly audible

Didn’t even have to raise my voice so I could keep on sayin’,

I’m Sorry

For the battle I caused you

And for the place that I left you in

From across the street

Even houses sit on the side of the road

Any side can be the wrong side

Any throat can be a gutter

When the noise starts pouring out

Sounded more like rushing water than anything else

Anybody can be a trash can

With all the soda and beer and broken wine bottles

Makin the outside sticky

Lemme sing this to you

While we both wash away our *****

I know I’m done letting my glass poke through the plastic

Never even realized how much it cut you

Le’me sing the song before my voice starts breakin’ again

Before my throat becomes a gutter

And my eyes become a fire

Before I wake up on the wrong side of the street again

I can’t stop dreaming about you

It’s almost frustrating that I remember you so well

How even in the background I can make you out despite the chaos

You stand out

Like a ghost on a Polaroid

Now I sleep till noon so I can see you again

This is how you help me remember

That when I wake up sweating

Heart beating a train engine

Tears I forgot I could still make

Drying salty in my beard

There’s nothing to be afraid of

And suddenly

All I wanna do is go back to sleep again

I daydream about sleeping

At work

And in the car

Turns out the recipe for sleep dust in not crushed up Tylenol PM

But I try

And the recipe for happiness in not tucked away

Underneath a blue blanket on an uncomfortable bed that I no longer wish to
sleep in

But I try

With all the pressure of pushing eyelids

Squinted tight

Had me lookin' like a kid again

Afraid of some bad thing in the dark

So I pray for sleep again

And find you exactly as I left you

Like a ghost on a Polaroid

So haunting

And so beautiful

This is not a poem

This is a revelation of self

This is me finding the staples that tighten my skin so that I can finally look like
a man

I know this

I love to share what makes me feel good

Especially people

I want you to feel good

I know

That I am afraid to take showers

Because the moment the water starts running there is nothing to distract my
thoughts

I can stand in the tub for days and never get wet

I know

That so many pieces of my heart

Are in way too many back pockets

My love is like a dime store flier

Beggin’ you to throw it away

Go ahead take a number

I’ll never really be whole anyway

This is not a poem

This is a revolution

Where I finally protest my body like a seizure

And give up on my heartbeat that’s beggin’ you to put your hand on my bare chest again

I know this

I am not characterized by the cancer that I thought once wanted to **** me

And I am not some cutting board

This skin is too calloused to be back stabbed again

And I will no longer stay up nights waiting for anyone to love me

And I am not

And never was

Made of anything designed by God

I know

that if you want me too

I will love you forever

And I know how to hold a grudge just as long

Like an egg on the end of a spoon in a one-man relay race

This is not a poem

This is me

Finally putting together the patchwork

And replacing the stuffing

Double stitched

so that I will not fall apart again

Pizza just before bed

reminds me of you

And it makes me miss your couch

So comfy

And brown

Which is my favorite color if I haven’t told you that yet

I saved my sleep dust between your cushions

Trapped some memories just behind the zippers

Tried to wear my shape into it

So that it would not forget how to hold me

I lay so still

Like a wheat field without wind

Listening for the sound of settling

Didn’t even breathe

Pizza before bed

Reminds me of you

And your couch

And that one time

I had no way of thanking you

for everything

C West

Sounds like directions on a map

Problem is your topography knows better than that

How you always drive your heart east

But you and I both know

On still nights

You can hear my laughter beggin’ ya to come home

Out west

C West

Nothin’ wild about it

We are not the end of some movie

I refuse to let the credits roll

Nothin’ sets out here

Not even the sun

So if you must know

I got a horse I call colonel

Chasin’ the horizon

We kick up so much dust that there is nothing to see when we look back

But I do

I look back

Expecting to see your shadow

Like the end of some movie

Where there’s a stand off

Between you

and me

My money’s on the bullet that hits my heart

We both know you never miss

Just like I never let the sun set on me

Or cattle call my laughter

Or let our credits roll

You are welcome to stop reading this
Right
About





Now

Seriously

You wanna see self hate
Then stick around friend
I got so much ugly
I can’t keep it to myself
It spreads
All I wanted was for you to love me
Can’t hide it
Can’t disguise it
Can’t play it off
No
Watch in the way that you hold me
Like a coal
Trying to set fire to more than just your skin
I’ll set fire to more than just your skin
I’ll melt mirrors with this
You wanna feel distance
I’ll push you away so hard with nothin but my crazy
You’ll beg fault lines to sink you into the sea
And scratch until you bleed
‘cause holy ****
I’ll make ya itch
And work you past breaking
Beg you down to knee height frustration
I
am so ugly
I am surprised you can even look at me
Or listen to this poem
Because
I got so much *****
Aint comin out in the wash
Got so many lies workin at my spine
It’s now bent like a question mark
Got the Hunchback’s bells clangin in my heart
Always striking midnight
So keep your distance
And hold your breath if you come near me
Because I am made of so much ugly
It spreads

I can’t even remember how long it’s been now,

But a really long time ago

I asked God for a safe place to pray

And I’ve been down every alley

Walked through every broken back door leading into

Houses I knew I should have never entered

Had me turnin’ up psalms

Paced to the rhythm of footsteps and rain

I found this:

My church

Will never ask you to give up anything

In exchange for your soul

Keep it

It’s probably ***** anyway

My church

Sounds like the ocean on Sunday

Keeps the wine flowing whenever you need to numb the pain

My church

Will set itself on fire on the days you just can’t get up in the morning

It’ll burn until you’re ready to come back

My church

Is in a tree house

It’s the wrong tree though

You know

The one you are always barking up

My church

Will never make you feel guilty

For anything

You do that well enough yourself

Now

I can’t promise eternal happiness


And I can’t promise virgins

I can’t promise anything other than

In my church

You’ll never feel ugly

You’ll never have to wonder what my church is thinking about you

I promise it will answer every question honestly

And hold you when you sleep at night

My church highly condones cuddling

Also

There’s a good chance that Mel Gibson wants to **** me and my church

Here I write poems to the rhythm of thunder

And sing praise to all your beauty and wonder

My church will never purposely make you hurt

Here it’s just me

With a few words

You can come when you want to

You can leave whenever

Leave forever

If you want

But I promise

My church

Will always be right here

This needs to be said

Before the words burn down to nothing and

I am once again alone

I’ll make up stories to keep you here

And I’ll stare my phone down till I see my reflection in the black screen

I’ll wear crop circles into the carpet with my impatience

I’ll stare at nothing in the dark that I can finally sleep in

Listen to the heater hum from the ceiling

I’ll beg God to keep you here forever

I bargained with him

Everything I had

He wouldn’t take it

Told me he couldn’t make a promise like that

Said,

“You can’t have her

Not like that

Or in any way

Ever”

So I wrote this to give to you

The only gift I ever had to offer

You can keep my words

And my voice

Just stay

A few minutes longer

I’ll tell you any story you want to hear

I’ll write you into every poem I’ve ever written

I’ll cut the sound from my memory’s movies

So I don’t have to hear you walk away

Again

It’s what I do

Run my mouth till my teeth rattle louder than my voice

Thought there was a black hole in there

So big it ****** the air out of the room

Tried to play it off as a gasp at your beauty

We both knew better than that

So before the words run out

And you walk away again

Just know

I’ll tell you any story

And sing you any song

I’ll lie like you’ve never known

And trade God anything

To keep you here a little longer

Never realized your lungs were a cannon

Spittin’ words back in my mouth

Keepin’ me tongue tied and twisted

Never realized how the lead in my feet

Kept me neck deep in your sorrow

Never realized giving up

Meant handing over my pride

I gave it over willingly enough

You kept its backbone

And returned it

So I ate it

Tasted like envy and heartache

Slithered like spaghetti into my gut

Kept my voice breaking during songs of tomorrow

And took out my knees on days I decided to run

I found my voice

Buried under the rocks that I threw at glass houses

I ate that glass and the rocks

Built boulders of bone

Crushed from inside of myself

Now

My voice is made of scar tissue

And my heart is made of rocks

I got a train inside myself

Hellbent on breakin’ daylight

Whistle blowin' the sound of home

I have seen

Nights beggin' to break the sound of lonely

Rustling in bed by myself

And dreamt of days

More meaningful than this one

I’m done waiting for people to save me

I’m done trying to keep a tune

I am done eating my glass houses

And picking up the pieces when I'm through

I would be so grateful

If you could short circuit my

“I really ******’ like you” Button

Because every time I see you

You push it like my heart is really just one of those whack-a-mole games

I would love it if you could

Turn down the static in my head to a simmer

Temper my blood when it boils

Bathe me in ice water

and throw in the blow dryer when you walk away

Nothing more shocking than waking up later

Still alive and breathing

You can’t even **** me

My body’s that dumb

And my heart is so dumb

It forgets how to beat

And my knees are so dumb

They can’t keep me standing

And my mouth is so dumb it never ceases to close

And my brain is so dumb it can’t stop remembering

How you phantom limb my body

Turn me into some puzzle piece

Unrequite my butterfly gut

Makes me wish I were a candle

So that I could burn down to nothing

Got this feeling that forever’s a long ways away

And that you’re going to be at the end of it laughing

I’d be grateful

If you could let me choke on this pillow

To keep the sound in my throat

And to let my serpents go

In order to get this rattle out of my brain

And cool the bubbles in my blood

And the teeth in my tongue

I only ask because these words are poison

******* you back lit screen

And boredom

And the helplessness that comes with waiting

I hate

The sound of my fingernails as they click these keys

And I hate

how nowhere feels like home anymore

And this is me

Thumb in ***

Heart in throat

Eyes fixated on the holes in the wall that I made when I got angry

******* you bed

And old books

And harmonica

Used to play you sweetly

Now

My sharp’s a little flat

And my gut’s a little wrenched

And my tongue won’t stop moving in my mouth

This is me when I’m nervous

One deep breath away from black-out

And this is me when I am lonely

Humming

Hoping

Someone else will notice me by the sound of my voice

And now

I got this song in my bones

Feel it tuggin’ on my heartstrings

like a set of tin-can-telephone wires

I never meant to sing it

Never meant to feel it

Never meant for it to turn into a love song

And this is me

Trying to forget

The one good piece of advice you gave me

I know grace when I see a man spend his last dollar on a chocolate bar for his son

And I know God like a geezer with a crystal ball sayin, “life’ll work out

It always does”

And I know you like a fingerprint

How each swirl is supposed to be unique

But when you touch me

It’s always the same kind’a love

Same fire burnin holes in my skin

Don’t let me walk away from here without sayin,

“You should know this about me

As a boy

I never learned mouths are equally good for closing as they are opening

And then

I learned that if something you loved wasn’t broken

Break it

And as a man

I learned I break everything”

So now I lay under bath water until everything is still

And beg for my heart to quit knocking its rhythm in my ears

And I know forgiveness

Like the leftover guilt in the gospel pews

Like the swell under my kneecaps

I know you

Like the voice of god in a tornado

And you should know me

Like the rubble of what his voice left behind

Still chokin’ on my thank you note

While I got my apology burnin’ on the tip of my tongue

This is me bursting at the seams

‘cause I am a walkin’ talkin’ fault line

Cement cracking at the epicenter of heartbreak

And water logged

From all the sweat

Building on my cheeks

Livin’ in a parking lot

And couch surfin’ this wave

Till I run lines in the floor

It gets cold at night

Too warm in the day

Now though

Just need some mercy

And just enough strength to finish this

Just enough words to regurgitate a reason

For leavin’ like this

Just enough time to learn to walk away

Just enough God left in the souls of my feet to keep me standin’

Not nearly enough heart to break anymore

Not enough weight in this place to tie me down anymore

It’s all I got

And now I’m letting it go

Remember how I said that I would write you into something perfect

  so that you would stop walking out on me?

  So I rewrote you by bending the lines of

STAY

Problem is

People change

   And I found you stretching into

HEART BREAK

   and

HIT AND RUN

And me trying to find anything better than

“Please don’t leave me”

That’s when I learned to write you into

AGAIN

    And

TOMORROW

Then I figured the math of

FOREVER

Is 2xtoo long

   When you factor in the absolute power of

ME

Turns out

Father

  Sound too much like

Forever

And

DAD

  Is something neither of us ever really

HAD

  And the

Past

   Is something we are both running from

Now

MAN

    Is the thing I am most scared of becoming

I find myself begging my reflection to stop me from it

That’s when I learned to write myself into

FORGIVE

And how to factor myself into the equation of

ENDLESS

My name was the first word I ever learned to say

It has 8 letters in it

Sideways it is ∞

Watch me make things complicated

It’s a gift

So much a gift I never got much further than long division

Or tying my shoes

Or learning when it’s okay to touch people

Turns out

Life is not the game of tag I thought it was

Not everyone touches you back

Never learned that

Gets so bad

I break handshakes for hugs

and then I stand there way to long

I can never go back to my dentist’s office again

After he finally pried me from his shoulders

He was kind enough to loosen the foot in my mouth

Told me I got toes for teeth

And I was thankful

For the suction tube

And the Novocain

Asked him for more

And more

Just enough to numb the jabber in my jaw

Took 2 vicadin after to keep my arms at bay

If I could have

I’d’a told him

Every word burnin holes in my brain

And I am thankful

Knowing that I’d’ve at least stopped at long division

And tying my shoes

I never learned how

not to say all the wrong things

Never really learned anything

This is so much more than a love song that there is no music to keep your heart bouncing along with my tune. Never could’a anyway. I speak so fast sometimes you know just to nod your head and say, “yeah”. Can hear it in the way that my tongue cracks against my teeth. Sounds like *** sometimes. Not the good kind either. It’s the kind you never really walk away from. ******* like a bass drum. Feel it puttin pressure on your heart. But that’s fine with you. Knew I never really had a beat. Never really had a song. Too tone deaf for something as smooth as that. No. I just say ****. Like now. Puttin fingers in all your wrong places. This is more than just a love poem. It’s a *** poem. It’s a ******* revolution of quivers. Tryin to shiver ourselves to fit like shaking will rub away the edges. Rounding out the bad spots till our bodies make sense. No **** necessary. Not this time. As for me. I’m a poet. ***** talk is as natural as breathing. Forgive me for the freestyle I played on your money spot. Too classy for a money shot. Too ***** not to do it right. I’d trade my arms for flight. Gust away your sweat with more than just my breath. Know that you’ll never really tell me to stop. This is more than just a *** poem. More than the revolution of quivers that finally made sense of the sporadic tone to my heart drum. This is freedom. Breakin’ away the chaos, and the bad habits, and all the **** that scares me. Getting lost in the action of it. This is for every lonely bedroom, and bathroom, and pool, and for the backseat of every car that’s held the momentary refuge that keeps me from finally breakin down. This is for you. And all the ***** things I wanna do.

Reminds me of when I was a boy

  And you’d wake me to a punch in the gut

Say

“Sometimes life knocks the wind out of you”

So when I finally got to scatter you to the wind

   You managed to catch the wrong gust

So that I could choke on you one last time

  Made me hold my breath till my eyes watered

What no one knew

  Was that your mouth was full of firing pins

And that spit sizzled off the empty shell casings you capped over your teeth
  
   *******

If I had a nickel

For every potential broken rib

Or bruise so big it could’a’ been a hole

For every day I looked like dying fruit

  I’d have enough nickels to win your well every time

I look so much like you when I am angry

  I have to remind myself

This is not him when I’m angry

This is me when I’m angry

Reminds me of that time I grew *****

Shot out so fast their weight flung me forward

And I accidentally punched you back

What no one knew

Was that it felt amazing

  And it scared me

  Still scares me

So much that I have to remind myself

This is me when I'm angry

And I can stop

I just wrote this to thank you

For fanning the fire in my words again

You were kind enough to do it slowly

Temper my passion for writing

so as not to denature my heart

But lady

You’ve denatured my soul

Into dripping dots of ink

Not enough words in my soul

Not in enough time in my world

Not enough ink to last

Just promise

When this fire finally turns me to ashes

You’ll mix me into paste

Write me into one last piece

Perfectly broken

And terribly written

Say something along the lines of

“This was never supposed to be perfect

And it was supposed to hurt

Right down to the end

There is no forgiveness

For those who go up in flames

To be reborn into ashes

And turned into ink

And remembered forever

On pieces of paper”

Thank you

For this fire

For this fever

For keeping the water from me

Thank you

For helping me

Live forever

In my house there is a cupboard

Full of VHS tapes

One of them is a recording of a news broadcast

On it I stand

Hospital gowned and smiling

Clowns are there on the terrace where it was filmed

Painting our faces

They all smile

I smile

The other kids smile

None of us over 4 feet

But balding

Black eyed and missing toothed

A clown takes my hand and begins to paint

It is cold

The paint

And the Terrace

I tell her how I want to run away with her

She smiles

Maybe

On camera

You can see my back through the open gown

The bones make me look like a brontosaurus

I turn to the camera

Remembering I was told never to smile with the paint on

or it will crack

The circles under my eyes are gone

My lips are red

My cheeks are tan

I look normal

Off camera

mommies and daddies are crying

Off camera

the clowns are crying

On camera

There is a terrace full of dying children

In a hospital

And we all looked normal

I never meant to look like a ***** floor

I bend the laws of physics when I ask mirrors to change my own reflection

Have this ugly soul

pushin’ all my ugly buttons

Doubled  back on my last straw so many times

I’m pullin’ splintered strands of yellow

From my backstab wounds

Got prickly bits of blonde  

Sticking out from the places I missed

They healed there

Got shards of my own teeth in my tongue

Puncture holes in my lungs

Makes it hard to breathe sometimes

‘cause I am still healing

Don’t call me good

Or handsome

Or patient

I do everything I can to sabotage the love you give

Not that I don’t want it

I am just not ready

One time you told me I should love as often as I breathe

So I starting breathing as often as I love

And I almost die in the intervals between our phone calls

Grace is you lightening the pressure on my drowning head

Patience is me staying under when you do

God is a child with a finger pointed at my heart and laughing

And you are an angel when you turn out the bathroom light

So that I stop hating my own reflection

Remind me that we are defined by more than the choices we make

That I might still have all the scars from the cancer

And the fistfights

And that one time I tried to end it all too early

But this heart beats more than just a war drum

It beats a ******* army

Can hear it like giant rumble footsteps

Can hear it finally change directions

Away from all the chaos

Shattering mirrors below my heart feet

So much glass glittering

Looks like a river

Too many pieces to reflect anything but the sky

Reminds me

I am not done healing

Trash bags climbing

Curbsides like vapid spiders

To me now

Everything is a ghost

Helpless to the current of the wind

I watch the bag collapse like an exhausted lung

And fill with the next breeze

There has never been a day where I don’t

stand like a windmill with my mouth open

Praying that I will finally get to catch my breath

I’ve stopped eating so that I might stretch myself so thin

The wind will take me like a kite

And

If I land in a tree

Please

leave me there

The leaves smell so sweet

They rustle in my ears the song

Of tiny feet scattering

In all the right directions

Can feel them tickle down my spine

Like an epiphany shiver

I got this itch to move

And I’m begin’ god for Dorothy’s tornado

To come and take me away

‘cause these legs walk me into all the wrong places

I want to be helpless to something more powerful than myself

Say

“I’m sorry I ****** things up

But this tornado

it planted me here in your lap”

Show you how it’s not my fault I’m not perfect

Nobody is

Doesn’t feel right though

The fire that made my heart

And the ocean that salted my tears

The wind that’s beggin’ to whisk me away from here

Is telling me otherwise

I think

Helium

Think

Feather

Think

Kite

Think

empty trash bag on the curb collapsing like a dying jellyfish

After a day of unfamiliar faces

His eyes are glad to finally settle on mine

As we walk though the mall

He keeps his head down

   Tells me he is afraid to look at people

How they might see what he is thinking

   Spelled out on his face

He always looks cold

     always looks tired

    walks like he is trying to remember that life is as simple as

Placing one foot in front of the other

With his head down

I know he counts his steps

He can only count to 100

Between this morning and now

I don’t know how many times he has counted to that

When I ask him why he doesn’t count higher

     He tells me

I’ll just lose track

And I just wanna tell him

You got a heart bigger than the best of us

So pure you got water coursin’ through your veins

So golden you shine like the sun

And it’s a suckerpunch to my gut

  To see you bow down to gravity

‘Cause if there was anyone

   And I mean anyone

Who could stare you in the face

And not see the light

  Then ****’em kid

There are days where I pray

The world could be as simple as you

Days where I pray that you might fight gravity

  As simply as

Placing one foot in front of the other

To slowly rise on steps of air

  Counting them as you do

And know it’s okay if you don’t come back

   ‘cause

There’s nothing wrong with going home

Every thought I have is you

Even when I finally managed to stop involuntarily whispering your name,

On cold mornings

I see it on my breath

Like Carrol’s caterpillar

Askin’

Who

Are you?

That’s the problem

I already know who you are

Now I am tryin’ to forget

But I can’t

I made some promises that I need to keep

For instance

I said I would never let them bury you

And we somehow managed to find our way into burning buildings

I told you how I keep my heart in my throat to trap the air in my chest

So that I would stop gasping in your presence

I inhale smoke sometimes

And I cried

When they brought me your blackened breastplate

Heart still beating a fire

Looked like the sun

There’s a universe in you

And now it’s in me too

Gives off this light that is almost blinding

So that when I rub my eyes

The iridescent reflection of them on the back of my lids

Is the same color as yours

Same color as gasoline on pavement

Makes me wanna set this world on fire

Only way to stop seeing you everywhere

Like the ****** Mary

I saw you in my oatmeal

Heard you in a wind chime

Whisperin’ like the wind

Beggin me to consider life like a skipped heartbeat

You ****** me when you left

Forgot me like a puzzle

Soda stained on a coffee table

I got black holes in my universe

And now every thought I have is you

You are in every word I speak

In every sound I hear

Even my breath

spells your name

Just in case you didn’t know

You are perfect

You are a freak of nature

A happy accident

So fragile

Like some old century vase on a pedestal being thrown across a room

You

Have a voice

A voice that when you speak all I wanna do is stay

You put me in awkward situations

Like how sometimes we sit close and I just wanna put my arm around you

No reason

I just get this urge to do it

How I sometimes just want to tell you how lonely hallways feel,

And how empty the ballrooms are

Why don’t they have those anymore?

‘cause I’d dance with you

Hold you in my arms nothing short of forever

You

are perfect

Because you have eyes

Eyes that see better than most of the blind things
And feet that help you move, but never take you far

When we walk away from each other it always feels like slow motion

And there is strange music in the background that makes me feel like the Beast

I stay up nights just waiting for you

You are perfect

Like shallow breathes of air

After almost drowning

Reminds me life is short

Can you hear it?

That music?

Must be getting ready to leave me again

Just know

before you go

You are perfect

Perfect like

Hands

And old people

Perfect like awkward situations

Like those silly sad reminders that life is short

Just

Perfect

You can’t leave without getting what you came here for

I know it’s hard

Finding meaning in life is about as cliché as a needle in a haystack

Just achin’ to fill in the empty spots

With anything you can get your hands on

Got some gaps festering

Afraid to unplug and let the hurt bleed out

Cuz at least you know your holes are full

But life

It punches us toothless

Won’t let us sleep at night

With the ache of mystery

You want a purpose

Hold tight and live

Just live

Like plants and housecats

Someone once told me that there’s a forest of redwoods out there

So big with roots so tightly woven you can’t tell where one tree begins and another ends

You got roots planted in my heart

Each step you take is a purpose

I can feel you even when you aren’t close

So don’t leave me

Not yet

We got too much fire fueling engines in our feet

Just walk with me

I’ll find you a purpose

There are haystacks everywhere

And a heartful of needles buried beneath

Just don’t leave

before you get

Whatever it is that you need

I’m sorry

I know there are days where I burn at both ends

And not even your cool waters can subdue these flames

I

Regret every word that’s burned past these lips

I didn’t mean to take you for granted

I swear

I didn’t mean to point out your stretch marks and laugh lines

I didn’t mean to forget your birthday  

I

just lose myself sometimes

Like

Last night when I laid in the darkness of our bedroom

And stretched out to feel how cold the other side of the bed was

And I

could hear your voice keeping me awake like white noise whispering
from some other room

And I just can’t seem to turn it off

I know that this is broken and left for dead

Forgotten in a box in an attic in some house

somewhere

Nostalgia’s never seemed so bitter

Because sometimes I smell you

And my heart breaks a million times a day

I got a box of red confetti here

Barely beats

Buckles my knees when it does

Beats me breathless

Holds me under

Keeps me back

Makes me wonder

Where everything turned sour like milk

Mighta seen your face on the side of that milk carton

I’d’ve known

I should’ve let you go

But I couldn’t

Not so soon

If I had my way it’d been never

Now all I got is this sound

White noise coming from some other room

Sounds like laughter sometimes

Sounds like music

Sounds like my heart shatter confetti burst

Feels like crawling skin

The lightest touch that almost tickles

Press harder if you could

I can almost feel you

Sounds like a match being lit

Lettin’ me burn at both ends

This one is for the ugly girl

Who wears her awkwardness like a kick me sign

Who stares at you with squinted eyes

Mouth agape

Thinkin’

I really wish I understood this mess

She is not an ugly duckling

Passing time till that one moment where

She just shines

No

It was just me that day watchin you in the audience

The way you play

Like your fingers were hammers

It sounded like a warning

And suddenly we all knew there was a fire going

Vagrant and unnoticed in some corner of the world

But you managed to hear its sound

And pounded it out for as long as it lasted

So I went straight home after

That fire burning in the hollow of my chest

I wrote this

This is for you

The girl who does more than just wear her heart on her sleeve

She wears it like a compound fracture

Sticking out of the front of her chest

Red like an apple placed on the head of a small child

And there’s always someone with a bow and arrow

Bulls eye is always heartbreak

Near hits a dime a dozen

People say she’s ugly but her heart is huge

Not because she’s nice

But because its swollen

Most days I wish I didn’t have to get up in the morning

Days where the only thing I ever have to worry about ******* up

is descending stairs gracefully

It was our fathers who told us not to feel

until the day we see them cry

It was our mothers whose wombs fill so fast

we explode back out before we are finished

If I ever find those missing pieces

I’ll dance

Long

And fast

if I ever find the fundamental filaments that keep me from bursting at
the seams

I’ll breathe

Descend stairs gracefully

I have been told that there is power in story

The best way to tell one is to leave out the *******

Let it speak for itself

The little things

The unimportant things

will bleed out

Beauty

"Start at the corners," she said,
"Work your way to the center
Sure

The dog’s head is missing

The birds aren’t in the trees

It doesn’t mean they’re not there"

One day

I am going to look out my bedroom window and say

It’s a nice day outside

One day

I will learn to love the heat and not the cold cushion of my bed

I will love the sand under my feet

And I will not be afraid to get wet

Run face first and dive into the hissing water

And say

**** my phone

I don’t need it anymore

Let it soak

Because if you’re not here with me now

You’re probably ******* your computer with your fingertips

What’s my status?

Alive ******* and not at home

I never will be again

I have seen one too many earthquakes

From behind the white walls of this house

Wondered too many times

what a mountain tastes like

Blood and teeth I bet

What a river feels like

Rushing white and rapid beneath me

What adrenalin feels like when I have to catch myself from falling

Rather than catch my breath from watching

Another bomb explode in some cliffhanger I am not hanging from

Here is your noose

Made of zipties and wires

The day I die

I will greet god

diving into a valley of his own creation

Rather than in a place of mine

The last thing I will ever text

I am not here

And if you are not with me

You are reading this

******* your phone somewhere

You had your chance

I got mine

And I’m taking it

You wanna walk with me

Through valleys

And forests and deserts

and hell at sunset

Feet achin’ ****** swollen

Stairways don’t have anything on us

That loosely linked ladder that leads to heaven

Rungs that won’t catch or stop the swelling

Can’t prevent these hands from grippin the firmament

I’ll plant my roots so deep I **** up the foundation

So those gates better open

Because being a good person stopped

The moment you stopped caring

We need more than a miracle *******

We need the end all be all moment of clarity

Where we finally understand that we can be held accountable for the
decisions we make

Phones aren’t filters

Cameras aren’t just methods of documentation

Reasons to hide than fight

You’re not ready to buckle by the realization of purpose

Not ready to save a life

Not even your own

So don’t act like nothing is your fault

Because

Everything is your fault

Including this poem