Do I or don't I?
It's a double edged sword
And I'm cutting myself with both sides.
It's a comfortable torture,
Which is horrifying in itself.
Tonight I dance with self inflicted silence
Again; and I forget to breathe.
Every second petal fell...
Screaming
HE
      LOVES
                   YOU
                           NOT.
Where do I fall from here?
Memories rush of times when I let blood dry
Night after night again on my thigh.
He was there, but what constellation do I call home now?

You are my home, my heart and the stars.
What have I done?
It feels cold; so cold and the air is fragile
When you're silent.
But my flat lining heart isn't as quiet as I'd like.

If when you leave, you do not think of me
or do not call my name, then I will be a lost
and fallen star, diffused and drowned in
unforgiving seas. I will be restless on the waves
of my days, blind to all horizons
with dark stormy eyes
then only grey blinding fog
will settle in, descending
with smoke to ****, to choke
my dying heart.

There's a comfort that your own demise is in your own hands.
That someone else started digging it for you,
but you'll finish the **** job.

The graveyard calls
And I want to be a part of it.
No giant scythe scares me
I reap what I sow too.

Nicotine or alcohol
pumping the body full of unnatural things
or just pining over things lost and unfound.
Either way
Just killing yourself more slowly
Than the guy who just decided to jump one day.

No instant fix, just the long-awaited digging
And feeling steel separate the Earth
Muscles tensing
Flexing
Shovel down,
Scoop
Lift
Toss
Do it again.

I never bothered to fix that hole in my heart
because I don't even wanna go near it anymore.
It will just be there.
And I will just keep digging.

Just when I think I should stop
I still
Just Keep digging.

They used to tell me,
"Just be yourself"
when I was a kid,
as maybe a way
to act on a date
or something,
so now,
late in life,
I have finally
figured out
what it means,
so here goes -
"Be yourself" means
don't be that other guy
who is yourself,
who is that phony guy
who is yourself,
but be, instead,
yourself,
who is not that other guy
who is yourself,
but be yourself instead,
so you see why
I didn't understand
what they meant,
and that was why
my dates
were all
****** up.