I’d rather die young

Than grow old

I will not follow in the footsteps of deliriousness

Hands trembling

To grasp at the memories

Or names

I refuse to forget my own name

Or stutter at heartache

Until I bite my own tongue

I refuse to grow old like you

To give up like you

I’d rather keep a noose

Tied tightly to my birth

To yank me like a ripcord

The second my voice sounds like yours

Trap the hate in my throat

Keep the old out’a my bones

The quiver out’a my knees

My son

Will never have to carry me to the bathroom

Or wonder if I loved him

He will never grow old like we did

Embrace the cold like we did

Beg people to hold him until he falls asleep at night

Just so he can remember

The warmth

**** going gently

And crying at the light

**** being forgiven

For letting the world fall apart

My son

And my brother

Will be so much stronger than we were

They will know that I love them

And they will know that they are safe at night

They will never carry me anywhere

Even if it’s my coffin

To its grave

Hit heartbreak in a Hyundai goin’ about 45

Still jerks you like it was a hundred when the breaks are finally hit

Been shaving the rust from my bones

To make guitar strings

Because I still got a song in there

Might not be much

But it’s somethin’

Comes out all tinny

Like when live radio sounded like it was comin’ from a can

Hide the fact that I can’t sing

Sound isn’t even affected by 45 miles an hour

Still perfectly audible

Didn’t even have to raise my voice so I could keep on sayin’,

I’m Sorry

For the battle I caused you

And for the place that I left you in

From across the street

Even houses sit on the side of the road

Any side can be the wrong side

Any throat can be a gutter

When the noise starts pouring out

Sounded more like rushing water than anything else

Anybody can be a trash can

With all the soda and beer and broken wine bottles

Makin the outside sticky

Lemme sing this to you

While we both wash away our *****

I know I’m done letting my glass poke through the plastic

Never even realized how much it cut you

Le’me sing the song before my voice starts breakin’ again

Before my throat becomes a gutter

And my eyes become a fire

Before I wake up on the wrong side of the street again

I can’t stop dreaming about you

It’s almost frustrating that I remember you so well

How even in the background I can make you out despite the chaos

You stand out

Like a ghost on a Polaroid

Now I sleep till noon so I can see you again

This is how you help me remember

That when I wake up sweating

Heart beating a train engine

Tears I forgot I could still make

Drying salty in my beard

There’s nothing to be afraid of

And suddenly

All I wanna do is go back to sleep again

I daydream about sleeping

At work

And in the car

Turns out the recipe for sleep dust in not crushed up Tylenol PM

But I try

And the recipe for happiness in not tucked away

Underneath a blue blanket on an uncomfortable bed that I no longer wish to
sleep in

But I try

With all the pressure of pushing eyelids

Squinted tight

Had me lookin' like a kid again

Afraid of some bad thing in the dark

So I pray for sleep again

And find you exactly as I left you

Like a ghost on a Polaroid

So haunting

And so beautiful

This is not a poem

This is a revelation of self

This is me finding the staples that tighten my skin so that I can finally look like
a man

I know this

I love to share what makes me feel good

Especially people

I want you to feel good

I know

That I am afraid to take showers

Because the moment the water starts running there is nothing to distract my
thoughts

I can stand in the tub for days and never get wet

I know

That so many pieces of my heart

Are in way too many back pockets

My love is like a dime store flier

Beggin’ you to throw it away

Go ahead take a number

I’ll never really be whole anyway

This is not a poem

This is a revolution

Where I finally protest my body like a seizure

And give up on my heartbeat that’s beggin’ you to put your hand on my bare chest again

I know this

I am not characterized by the cancer that I thought once wanted to **** me

And I am not some cutting board

This skin is too calloused to be back stabbed again

And I will no longer stay up nights waiting for anyone to love me

And I am not

And never was

Made of anything designed by God

I know

that if you want me too

I will love you forever

And I know how to hold a grudge just as long

Like an egg on the end of a spoon in a one-man relay race

This is not a poem

This is me

Finally putting together the patchwork

And replacing the stuffing

Double stitched

so that I will not fall apart again

Pizza just before bed

reminds me of you

And it makes me miss your couch

So comfy

And brown

Which is my favorite color if I haven’t told you that yet

I saved my sleep dust between your cushions

Trapped some memories just behind the zippers

Tried to wear my shape into it

So that it would not forget how to hold me

I lay so still

Like a wheat field without wind

Listening for the sound of settling

Didn’t even breathe

Pizza before bed

Reminds me of you

And your couch

And that one time

I had no way of thanking you

for everything

C West

Sounds like directions on a map

Problem is your topography knows better than that

How you always drive your heart east

But you and I both know

On still nights

You can hear my laughter beggin’ ya to come home

Out west

C West

Nothin’ wild about it

We are not the end of some movie

I refuse to let the credits roll

Nothin’ sets out here

Not even the sun

So if you must know

I got a horse I call colonel

Chasin’ the horizon

We kick up so much dust that there is nothing to see when we look back

But I do

I look back

Expecting to see your shadow

Like the end of some movie

Where there’s a stand off

Between you

and me

My money’s on the bullet that hits my heart

We both know you never miss

Just like I never let the sun set on me

Or cattle call my laughter

Or let our credits roll