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Now

Seriously

You wanna see self hate
Then stick around friend
I got so much ugly
I can’t keep it to myself
It spreads
All I wanted was for you to love me
Can’t hide it
Can’t disguise it
Can’t play it off
No
Watch in the way that you hold me
Like a coal
Trying to set fire to more than just your skin
I’ll set fire to more than just your skin
I’ll melt mirrors with this
You wanna feel distance
I’ll push you away so hard with nothin but my crazy
You’ll beg fault lines to sink you into the sea
And scratch until you bleed
‘cause holy ****
I’ll make ya itch
And work you past breaking
Beg you down to knee height frustration
I
am so ugly
I am surprised you can even look at me
Or listen to this poem
Because
I got so much *****
Aint comin out in the wash
Got so many lies workin at my spine
It’s now bent like a question mark
Got the Hunchback’s bells clangin in my heart
Always striking midnight
So keep your distance
And hold your breath if you come near me
Because I am made of so much ugly
It spreads

I can’t even remember how long it’s been now,

But a really long time ago

I asked God for a safe place to pray

And I’ve been down every alley

Walked through every broken back door leading into

Houses I knew I should have never entered

Had me turnin’ up psalms

Paced to the rhythm of footsteps and rain

I found this:

My church

Will never ask you to give up anything

In exchange for your soul

Keep it

It’s probably ***** anyway

My church

Sounds like the ocean on Sunday

Keeps the wine flowing whenever you need to numb the pain

My church

Will set itself on fire on the days you just can’t get up in the morning

It’ll burn until you’re ready to come back

My church

Is in a tree house

It’s the wrong tree though

You know

The one you are always barking up

My church

Will never make you feel guilty

For anything

You do that well enough yourself

Now

I can’t promise eternal happiness


And I can’t promise virgins

I can’t promise anything other than

In my church

You’ll never feel ugly

You’ll never have to wonder what my church is thinking about you

I promise it will answer every question honestly

And hold you when you sleep at night

My church highly condones cuddling

Also

There’s a good chance that Mel Gibson wants to **** me and my church

Here I write poems to the rhythm of thunder

And sing praise to all your beauty and wonder

My church will never purposely make you hurt

Here it’s just me

With a few words

You can come when you want to

You can leave whenever

Leave forever

If you want

But I promise

My church

Will always be right here

This needs to be said

Before the words burn down to nothing and

I am once again alone

I’ll make up stories to keep you here

And I’ll stare my phone down till I see my reflection in the black screen

I’ll wear crop circles into the carpet with my impatience

I’ll stare at nothing in the dark that I can finally sleep in

Listen to the heater hum from the ceiling

I’ll beg God to keep you here forever

I bargained with him

Everything I had

He wouldn’t take it

Told me he couldn’t make a promise like that

Said,

“You can’t have her

Not like that

Or in any way

Ever”

So I wrote this to give to you

The only gift I ever had to offer

You can keep my words

And my voice

Just stay

A few minutes longer

I’ll tell you any story you want to hear

I’ll write you into every poem I’ve ever written

I’ll cut the sound from my memory’s movies

So I don’t have to hear you walk away

Again

It’s what I do

Run my mouth till my teeth rattle louder than my voice

Thought there was a black hole in there

So big it ****** the air out of the room

Tried to play it off as a gasp at your beauty

We both knew better than that

So before the words run out

And you walk away again

Just know

I’ll tell you any story

And sing you any song

I’ll lie like you’ve never known

And trade God anything

To keep you here a little longer

Never realized your lungs were a cannon

Spittin’ words back in my mouth

Keepin’ me tongue tied and twisted

Never realized how the lead in my feet

Kept me neck deep in your sorrow

Never realized giving up

Meant handing over my pride

I gave it over willingly enough

You kept its backbone

And returned it

So I ate it

Tasted like envy and heartache

Slithered like spaghetti into my gut

Kept my voice breaking during songs of tomorrow

And took out my knees on days I decided to run

I found my voice

Buried under the rocks that I threw at glass houses

I ate that glass and the rocks

Built boulders of bone

Crushed from inside of myself

Now

My voice is made of scar tissue

And my heart is made of rocks

I got a train inside myself

Hellbent on breakin’ daylight

Whistle blowin' the sound of home

I have seen

Nights beggin' to break the sound of lonely

Rustling in bed by myself

And dreamt of days

More meaningful than this one

I’m done waiting for people to save me

I’m done trying to keep a tune

I am done eating my glass houses

And picking up the pieces when I'm through

I would be so grateful

If you could short circuit my

“I really ******’ like you” Button

Because every time I see you

You push it like my heart is really just one of those whack-a-mole games

I would love it if you could

Turn down the static in my head to a simmer

Temper my blood when it boils

Bathe me in ice water

and throw in the blow dryer when you walk away

Nothing more shocking than waking up later

Still alive and breathing

You can’t even **** me

My body’s that dumb

And my heart is so dumb

It forgets how to beat

And my knees are so dumb

They can’t keep me standing

And my mouth is so dumb it never ceases to close

And my brain is so dumb it can’t stop remembering

How you phantom limb my body

Turn me into some puzzle piece

Unrequite my butterfly gut

Makes me wish I were a candle

So that I could burn down to nothing

Got this feeling that forever’s a long ways away

And that you’re going to be at the end of it laughing

I’d be grateful

If you could let me choke on this pillow

To keep the sound in my throat

And to let my serpents go

In order to get this rattle out of my brain

And cool the bubbles in my blood

And the teeth in my tongue

I only ask because these words are poison

******* you back lit screen

And boredom

And the helplessness that comes with waiting

I hate

The sound of my fingernails as they click these keys

And I hate

how nowhere feels like home anymore

And this is me

Thumb in ***

Heart in throat

Eyes fixated on the holes in the wall that I made when I got angry

******* you bed

And old books

And harmonica

Used to play you sweetly

Now

My sharp’s a little flat

And my gut’s a little wrenched

And my tongue won’t stop moving in my mouth

This is me when I’m nervous

One deep breath away from black-out

And this is me when I am lonely

Humming

Hoping

Someone else will notice me by the sound of my voice

And now

I got this song in my bones

Feel it tuggin’ on my heartstrings

like a set of tin-can-telephone wires

I never meant to sing it

Never meant to feel it

Never meant for it to turn into a love song

And this is me

Trying to forget

The one good piece of advice you gave me

I know grace when I see a man spend his last dollar on a chocolate bar for his son

And I know God like a geezer with a crystal ball sayin, “life’ll work out

It always does”

And I know you like a fingerprint

How each swirl is supposed to be unique

But when you touch me

It’s always the same kind’a love

Same fire burnin holes in my skin

Don’t let me walk away from here without sayin,

“You should know this about me

As a boy

I never learned mouths are equally good for closing as they are opening

And then

I learned that if something you loved wasn’t broken

Break it

And as a man

I learned I break everything”

So now I lay under bath water until everything is still

And beg for my heart to quit knocking its rhythm in my ears

And I know forgiveness

Like the leftover guilt in the gospel pews

Like the swell under my kneecaps

I know you

Like the voice of god in a tornado

And you should know me

Like the rubble of what his voice left behind