The constant state of pain whether it's internal or never feeling like I am good enough for anyone. Always in a state of flux never-ending always hiding within my self pushing back all these feelings putting on a mask of humor and weirdness to the forefront for all to see. I just feel lost in a dark room and there is no light that I can see. Just want to find that love from her to make me feel like we are one. Till then I wander in this dark room for now.
I dedicated this to all the hopeless romantics out there and hope your story is filled with love.
I constantly fight the duality of my own nature. Seeming likely to let the depression of the past overwhelm me to the point of reply and insanity. Ever stuck in moments of blurred truths and angry memories. Wanting to let go as I am stuck in a constant repeat. The looming darkness that is ever-present hoping to see the light someday.
The mask I hide behind is cracking, fading and the black that has always lingered just beneath the surface it starting to come forth as the black moods are more prevalent. Constant battle in me, questioning should I let him out the one only few have seen or do I hold out as the weight keeps growing. Parts of me crumble and break I truly feel like I am bare holding on to smoke.
The ever incumbent thoughts of what possible outcomes, the various paths one takes in life. Wondering if this path that leads you here would have been different if a certain choice had changed. One of the deepest thoughts of the mind of my own madness, that allows me to see all the pain in others as the eyes are like a vivid window that reveals all. Then hides his own like a mask. Letting humor lead me through life with the ever-presence of despair and utter feeling of failure. At times the weight of the world is easier than dealing with my own thoughts. If you see the pain and suffering in my heart some would be crushed and most would be brought to there knee's. Till that day I finally let it consume me like a fire, I will fight.
Even the strongest branch needs the rest of the tree to live, or it breaks off and dies. Just as the emotional balance is a thin line of chaos and tranquility. Lost in a dark room with no light to see, welcome to real life. The constant pressure of feelings of nothing brings the emptiness of being alone.
As the waves of time crash upon your mind and soul, reminding us that one day our lives are just a temporary. Holding the notion that you have all the time in the world to say what you are scared to say with that regret like that on my mind, weighing so heavy as if there is an elephant on my back and there is no way to get it off me. The ever presence of the ghost of the past haunting your every conscientious thought. The waking nightmare that consumes you till all you are is an empty shell with a smile and some jokes.
The emptiness of being empty.
The longing of being wanted.
The understanding of self.
The realization your always alone.
The past mistake that haunt your every thought.
The love that hates me still.
The smile and laughter I still hide behind.
The hope it gets better even when all seems hopeless.
The love I have to share, these are the things I hold dear.
The darkness that sometimes reigns.