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Jon Shierling Nov 2014
They say that one can lead a horse to water,
but one can't force him to drink.

Indeed,
this must be true.

However that may be,
I've never seen a thirsty horse
refuse good water.

I imagine that Jellaludin would have
something very witty to say about this.

I simply will say,
let your heart be like the horse
who never refuses sweet waters.
Jon Shierling Jan 2015
Never again will I make the mistake of thinking that someone in love with what I write is the same thing as being in love with....the rest of me.
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
Let us put fire to a candle
in the hope that it pleases your spirit.
Let us walk the path of memory
and tell ourselves that you aren't really gone.

Let us descend that golden staircase
and lie to your corpse.
Let us try and forget you
before you are even cold.

Let us tell our children of hate
how it is that you lived and died.

But I alone truly loved you, knew you,
revered you... as my queen
and as my lover.
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
If I could allow myself to love like my heart says I can
If I could see with the right kind of eyes
I could maybe turn and write my burning dreams
And ask those men with guitars why they’re sad inside
If I wasn’t afraid of your body
I wouldn’t fear the need to stop
I would have the power to tread a different path
To break the silence in this great night
I could let the broken sea music change where I’m going
So I wouldn’t have to lie to my place of courage
I could believe that no matter my soul’s seeming folly
Walking forgotten paths
I’ve faced your song my friend
Though the memory of women loved
Closed chains of ego around the dream
I still can remember the days when
As children we asked the land for faith
Walking forgotten paths
I’ve faced your song my friend
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
Ex Nihil
Warning!
This site contains explicit pictures
of someone you know.

So is this it,
the Magic Theatre
supposedly advertised
for Madmen only?

Explicit indeed,
bad dreams and sensual whispers,
perhaps just a breaking;
a dissolving of one self.

Where you go,
I dare not follow,
for I am not of those people
and moreover
they know it.

Where I go,
you don't want to follow,
for reasons I don't understand
and which you
won't explain.

You want the city,
the newness and the lights,
adventure being a new bar
every night?

I want the forest,
the oldness and the twilight,
adventure being a new song
every night.

Halloween night
this last year;
I saw a relative of yours
run alone down the middle
of your street;
Red Fox in the City.

Smoking on your balcony,
with a bear of a man
we yelled inside that your
family was at hand.

I sat on your couch
and talked with you,
watched you watch others,
and I can't remember
anything you said.

I do remember,
when you took me to your room
in search of cards
because I needed to be
doing something with my hands.

You pulled boxes from
your closet and I met your cat,
(I hoped he liked me; he was pretty cool,
didn't enjoy the noise of a party,
same as me in that regard)
we didn't find cards
but we did find a vase of flowers.

You laughed when I asked
who gave them to you,
as if you buying them for yourself
wasn't something I
should be sad about.

Perhaps that's why
I bought you carnations
when your Grandmother died.

I can't help but feel
that I didn't meet you by accident,
but knowing that we will
never love each other
merely adds to my confusion.

There's a low roar in my ears
as I sit here now,
knowing that I care about you
for purely selfish reasons;
as if by being good to you
I could erase selfishness and
ignorance from my past.

In a final note
of outright anguish,
I wish that I in my childishness,
had the courage to show you
the things I have written
for you...my friend.
Jon Shierling Dec 2014
Ain't it what it mean when a girl
tell you she like you an all she
really mean is she wan you to **** her?

Is that what I'm really scared of?

Am I writing garbage, still awake
at 5:23 in the ****** morning,
worried about what kind of a man I am?

Do I wake up and go to work,
with this secret fear that
all my beliefs and all my hopes
amount to jack ****** ****?

You bet your *** I do,
because I was taught and accepted
a long time ago that love
has jack **** to do with who you
are, and everything to do
with how well you ****.
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
They found themselves in that part of the city by accident. Arguments and resentment can cause that sort of aimless wandering, but it's always strange when the two are too stubborn to pull away and wander as individuals. The smells and the sounds shook them out of their thoughts, nutmeg and incense, rhythm and laughter of an unfamiliar hue. In front of them was the source of the music and motion, dimly lit in a recess of the street, but with the unmistakable scent of life pouring out of it. Drawn forward, as if by some invisible force, they entered that bar we resident ex-pats call L'Serpent Rougue.

Cushions and carpets and hookah smoke, dim lamps and cinnamon and coffee, above all the beat of the drums. Drums of all shapes and sizes, Darbouka's most numerous, played by toothless old men and bare chested youths, pounding out sound that got into the blood and burned the heart. They had no words for it, this throbbing in the chest. Barely through the door and already they felt the urge to loosen clothes, remove shoes, partake of unknown sensations. They were seated in a corner towards the back by a middle-aged man who gave them that appraising look purveyors of delights save for those they recognize as novices. Hossam didn't ask their order, immediately brought strong Turkish coffee and a double hosed brass hookah. He also guessed, correctly, that both of them drank whiskey. They sat back in their cushions, closer than they had been for weeks, and drank of that place as they would have of a complex wine or the work of a master painter.

Faces gazed unclothed out of lamplight, shorn of the daytime business-as-usual mask, bidding the couple to do likewise and share in this freedom. This sheer, abject celebration of humanity was something they had never seen or truly comprehended, something more in the way of an abstract idea like physics or the Trinity. But to have it here, now, ****** upon them in such a place was such a shock that perhaps they may yet have shied from it and fled, but it was at that moment that the music changed to a new tempo. Hossam excused himself from the bar and, picking up the Oud propped in a corner, took his place among the musicians.

Simoom was said to be the most beautiful woman in the city, and to have seen her that night, anyone would have believed it. Eyes not quite midnight, but the kind of dark blue that comes just before the sun hints at it's rise. Skin that rich olive color which moves all people deep inside, reminding them in a round about way of the days when the abundant harvest was a reason for rejoicing. The very ideal of grace as she took her own sacred place within the circle of the drummers.

Hossam began a melody, so worn with time and use that one could see the years fall from his body, could see through time to the passion that had always driven his music. And the drummers, young and old alike, followed slowly, almost hesitantly in his wake, as if unsure that they should try and accompany the wellspring flowing from his fingertips. But Simoom, she knew this song, this timeless outflowing, and matched every undulation, every direction Hossam poured out of his instrument and his heart. He played like some Sufi dervish caught up in ecstasy, flames of music which she danced through as a Jinn of the Hejaz.

All of this, the two almost estranged lovers became a part of. In one of those mysterious and unquantifiable facets of human experience, their finite lives became something else. This warmth they had never known suddenly reached out its arms and embraced them. In the midst of that dark place they had found their love descending into, by some chance or will or what have you, they arrived at what some might call a...what's the term...oh yes, "Den of Iniquity". This is the miracle: the differences and petty quarrels, resentments hidden for months, the weight of mundane life, all of the pinpricks upon the heart that lovers unknowingly bestow upon each other fell away, just as the passion of the Oud shed years from Hossam.

They left L'Serpent Rougue with his arm around her waist and her hand in his back pocket, smiling and open to the world. The walk home was itself a new adventure. They danced arm in arm in the middle of the street to a homeless man who played the fiddle, sang the words to their favorite '90s songs as they climbed up the apartment stairs.

Who cares what the landlord says anyway?

She had one of those Chinese calligraphy sets, and she had practiced with it in the years since it was given to her. Practiced that art almost as if it was the only thing that truly belonged to her. As if her entire identity was composed of beliefs ****** upon her by some outside force save for this. Little did she know that this conviction about being an almost carbon copy of ideas not truly his own was a feeling also held by her lover.

That night at the bar and in the street, he saw something in her that he had never witnessed before. The moment when after they got home he took off his shirt and asked her to get the brush and ink was close to forcing him to recede back into a shell. The memories of a person he used to be, fallen far away. But then she smiled and pushed him back upon that rickety bed. She took that brush and ink, painted her soul onto his secret places, and he did the same in turn to her.
Go
Jon Shierling Jul 2017
Go
Wait for the drop.........
And go.

Just stop fighting it so hard,
the underwater after dark river
you love so much.

A part of you knew that
this is where you'd be carried
if even half-heartedly
those years ago
when you tempted fate first.

You're afraid to admit
afraid to accept
how much you love it
when you can let go.

How long have you been hunting
for an answer?
How long have you been hunted by
the answer you really want?

You must know by now
you'll never break the walls
of one you name equal;
you can't even break your own.

There is no way to walk the
road you chose without
becoming someone else;
you cannot traverse the abyss
between yourself and others
and yet remain inviolate;
you can't see without being seen.

You cannot touch,
without being touched.
You cannot love,
without being broken.

So then you can't go back
but you're afraid to go forward
staying in between is worse
since stagnation means death
what do you do?

You already know.
Jon Shierling Jan 2015
Where can I find people like me?
Do they actually exist somewhere
out there int the vast expanse of the world?

Or do I sit here bemoaning my self made exile
in the same vein that a child does when placed
in the corner as punishment for some transgression?

Even if there were some community I might
feel welcome in hiding with at some far
flung place pledging true freedom, still I would
suffer the pains of having a broken soul.

It's been a long time since I opened up
my shoebox full of pictures and saw myself
five years old and wading barefoot through
a cold creek....loving every second of it.

There's another polaroid of me feeding a mint
to that angry old donkey, dead years now,
but that ornery ol ******* and I had some
sort've understanding, him knowing his place
and me trying to discover mine.

Most of my life has been spent clawing my
way toward some ill defined future I thought
I had to travel toward in order to live well,
and now I find myself willingly going backward.

My Dad achieved his dream of having land when
I was fifteen, and when I came back to live with him
again, his land became my own, his cares for our place,
became my own, hauling rocks and worrying after fences,
being a part of something that we built from our hands.

The world changed quickly though,
and if I had been older and wiser I
would have expected that the eventual
break would appear when most we all
needed something of peace.

But those minutes in the clear creek,
and that grudging comraderie with a donkey,
getting off the bus when seventeen and having
horses recognize me as I walk down the dirt road,
hoofed friends meeting me at a gate every day;
that is the home I need...and one day will return to.
Jon Shierling Dec 2014
I wish I knew why I stay here,
knowing that I should've quit
a long time ago, should've
thrown that ***** towel in
and taken off for someplace else.

And yet, maybe I've drawn the line
here, maybe gotten sick of packing
up and moving on whenever the urge
takes me to be a nomad again.

In the same vein though,
God what a good feeling it is
to just pack up an take off into
the sunset or sunrise, depending,
either way it's the freedom of
starting over that I know I'm addicted to.

So many times I've needed to just
collect whomever I'm in love with
at the time and burn off into the
night with nothing but a hope to
act as navigator toward the future.
Jon Shierling Aug 2016
These supposedly small things,
Nights when the deep wrong
that we have been fed upon,
falls away and all is well.

These supposedly small things,
these lovely people,
this living for the moment.

I live for them.
Jon Shierling Nov 2014
If I could remember a third of what goes through my mind while inebriated or asleep or high or in the middle of ***, Jesus Christ, then I might get down to writing something serious.
Jon Shierling Nov 2014
As good as I may be at spitting out poems about injustice and social rage, as tough as I may sound or pretend to be, as cynical and jaded as I may talk and walk, none of that is really who I want to be. I don't want money and fame or power to remake the world as I see fit. Wouldn't be able to handle the responsibility of political power anyway. Honestly I don't even really want to be the person my 18 year old self wanted, and yet have become, almost without realizing it. He would envy me, my younger self, of the life I live now. Beholden to no one, doing basically whatever I want as long as I can afford the rent and make myself go to work after nights full of pointless hedonism. But that entire veneer, yes even some of my writing, is just to make up for this hole that runs right through the middle of me. All I really want, is to return from whence I came. Be a teacher or something, write a bit on the side, have that mystery called true love and family, maybe own a bit of land just for us, somewhere on the edge of a small town full of artists and good honest folk. Coastline or mountains make no difference to me, the language spoken not really that important either. I'll go anywhere and do anything I can to find this dream that I tend to not ever talk about, since it is the one true thing that I have ever really wanted deep down inside, even if my younger self would've denied it.
Jon Shierling Oct 2014
I have no desire
to be awake at this time of the morning
on a Saturday.

But here I am.
And since this is in fact
Here.
Now.
I can accept some thing at least.

Nodding vaguely at the sky,
acknowledging in weariness
how beautiful indeed
the mystery really is.
Jon Shierling Jul 2015
Eventually I'll get my **** together.
I won't be able to do it at the rate
you may want, and for that I'm sorry.

To be honest I'm just as sick of this scene as you are, maybe more.

It has a certain appeal though, a certain flavour, a cut loose and not give two flying ***** about anything taste...
Jon Shierling Mar 2015
Why don't you want me
to do something with
my hands,
these hands that can do better
than my cheap words?

I've never tried to pawn myself
off as the person you need in your life,
even though that's the want you
throw me when you eye me during
the obviously empty workday.

You ought to know though,
I really am not what you need,
not what you want,
not the man that can make things
the way you wish them to be.

In reality I'm just a sorry drunk
trying to wish my life back together,
and it's your misfortune
that I happened upon you
when you were fleeing wolves.
Jon Shierling Nov 2014
Apparently I have no voice of my own
merely crowing sick imitations into the wee morning
moonlight as waves crash upon the beach
and I find myself in this ****** den of a room
again swallowing poison to drown my anxieties.

Is this really happening all around me
as colors start to blend and the one and
only Velvet Underground is pounding away
somewhere inside my seemingly mismatched head.

Run run run and type type type
cry cry cry and drink drink drink
**** **** **** and smoke smoke smoke
keep on keepin on and fake it till you make
it and eventually I'll wake up and realize
that all of this is just some childish acting out.

All this crap I call poetry, all this festering wound
of a single minded attempt at self validation
really and truly and unnecessarily is an attempt
for me to try and feel like a human being while slowly
inexorably slogging my way into a one armed knife
fight and all I've got is something that couldn't even
get it's **** hard enough to shoot that miserable
IED makin ******* in the face as he sanctimoniously deserved.

You wanna talk about real so then let's talk about real
lets dare some wannabe ******* to talk to my
pasty white *** about hard decisions and true to the
***** maxie pad core of human experience.

Call me a hipster and a beat while burning the pretty
marijuana fire that some use just as pervasively as others
drink while calling it medicine since it comes from a plant
but it's still a crutch unless you actually have cancer.

Maybe I am indeed just an angry kid fighting to find
a place in this metal shod ******* of a country
that we pray to like some slumbering god but
if that's the case than that is really what we all are
who live here and dare not take up the honest
trade of making molotov cocktails.
Perhaps we should call it happy ****** day instead.
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
Where was it born,
  this fire-bird's song,
  this diamond thread,
  spanning lifetimes?

A great turning wheel,
  eternal change,
  this love-journey,
  returning to you.

Nearly dead from exhaustion,
  hallucinating with thirst,
You can barely remember the face of the Beloved.
Don't give up now, not ever!

For this love-work is the only labour
  worthy of we pilgrims.
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
My absolute worst fear,
worse than being empty,
worse than insanity,
far worse than dying
broken and alone....
is that you may one day
love me, and if I gave you
what remains of my heart
and ruptured soul on that
day, it would break you.

You've never asked what my
name means, probably because
yours is so obvious that I
haven't had to ask what
yours does, or where it comes from.

You are a Fox, English in origin
linguisticly, with a very illustrious
line, stretching back to the days
before the Norman conquest.

My name, from the Low German,
is Hemlock, and that is exactly
what I am. A beautiful tree in my
opinion, but poisonous to all.

They gave of me to Socrates
as a death sentence, and on
the deeply flawed romantic
in me, the sweet irony isn't lost.

Thus we come to the truth of
my fears, deep fears, deeper by
far than the usual ones that
accompany thoughts of you.

You, in your ignorance are
intrigued by me, as you said.
Should you eat of my heart,
and be poisoned, body and
soul, the last parts of me that
believe in all that you are,
would die with you.
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
So what face shall I construct to wear when the sun comes up?
Who shall I be on the morrow, what role is it they want me to play?
I guess it depends on the company I expect to find myself in.
It's a Tuesday and I have work so I can get away with being hungover but not drunk, slightly grungy but not full punk, though as the evening progresses and shifts change I can afford to let my hair down, so long as I don't lose it and curse at the callers or slur too hard.

I'll wind up at the local bar after and not really be concerned about my state of being since it's men's night and there's nobody there looking for a cat like me, not at that hour on a sandy road in *** **** Florida.

That's one of the things I still haven't been able to really understand about this place...basically there are young through highschool kids, then community college not yet oldenough to go out drinking, and then nothing in between till thirty year old professionals who are more cynical than the old retired people from up North who came here to die. Where do I fit in all this?

None of the above. The last woman who had feelings for me was a 27 year old single mom who bore my 29 year old co worker's child. The last girl I almost slept with was a 19 year old ****** I met at a 7-11. My best friend is my 20 year old cousin. I got to work and bars during the week and feel like a child, provide alcohol to my cousin and his friends on the weekend and feel like this rickety old man telling stories about how ****** up I used to get while falling asleep after one hit.

Make any sense? I hope not.
Jon Shierling Aug 2014
I don't know how to tell you what's in my heart.

I don't know how to explain,
that I put my faith in you.

I don't know how to say,
that I don't want to be a hero
or a villain.

I don't have the right words,
for this feeling that I haven't felt
till I met you.

I don't understand what's happening,
this twirling around
and revisioning.

I don't have much to offer,
except my messed up heart
and the history that comes with it.

I do have a hope though,
a hope and a belief
in you.
Jon Shierling Oct 2014
To say that I expected this,
somewhere deep within
is probably the only answer to be given.

A self-defeating habit,
born somewhere in the dimness
of memories left to rot.

But to have faith in something
created out of nothing
should never feel like a sin.
Jon Shierling Feb 2019
I'm tired, so tired
They look into my eyes and some
turn away
some hold their gaze.

What do they see I wonder,
what would they say
if walls between crumbled?

I'm weary of the game,
weary of throwing up my soul
in dark alleys so that the yellow men
won't know that I'm considering their offer.

Cicero was right though, **** him
all is indeed vanity and it is my lot
my cursed blessing to be able to see
through the tides of ******* nearly
hitting the high water mark.

It's an old game we play,
I the Jackal, and they the fat takers
those peddlers of ease, the green frog skin men
the flimsy platters of slot machine tokens,
the pale promise of pleasures unending
if only I sign on the dotted line,
in triplicate and also a thumbprint
and also we'll need your social plus two pieces of mail.

Whenever I get a bit too far gone they're around,
pushing their world with far better skill than
the very many dealers I've bought release from,
and yet the ultimate deal remains the same:
give us your identity, your fire, and in return
you need not suffer any longer.

It's a decent offer I guess, but they push a bit
just a bit too hard to play it off,
they always show their hand too soon and I know
that for some reason they want me more than
I want the release they have on display.

Sorry boys, I'm not the guy you're looking for.
I do have my moments, I'm a deeply broken
scarred and horribly imperfect person
not above taking bribes or stealing to survive,
lustful, greedy and wroth.

For all that you misjudge me,
thinking perhaps hatred of those who've
cut me so deeply could be useful,
failing that, hatred of myself would
perhaps be more beneficial to your plan.

Go ahead then, cut me away, turn my love to ash,
pull my once bright courage down into
the slime that brought down my grandfathers.
Do what you will and I will indeed despair,
indeed I despair even now, loveless and alone
exiled or freed I know not which.

In the end it doesn't matter,
for you are just as berift as I my enemy,
and we'll meet face to face one day
upon the shore of a distant sea
or perhaps in the darkest heart of
the great river which helped birth us.

Do your worst,
but understand
that which you do unto me
you do unto yourself
poor beloved shadow of mine.
Jon Shierling Dec 2014
How many?
How many dreams have died?
How many hopes have withered?
How many loves have faded?

How many futures have been shortened?
How many voices have been silenced?
How many friends have been lost?

How many shall have left us wanting?
How many shall have left us needing?
How many shall have left us empty?

Too many.
Jon Shierling Feb 2015
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds' "Jubilee Street" is playing as I write*

I remember, all those years ago,
the first time I moved to kiss you,
to hold your face in my hands,
an expression of tenderness,
and you telling me that you hate it
when anyone touches your face.

Had I been then,
who I am now,
I'd have recognized
that shutter closing
behind your eyes.

Had I not been a shell
of the man I should have been,
twisted and distorted
by the same horrors
that haunted you,
maybe I'd have been
strong enough to understand.

****, these days I'd laugh
in your Dad's face and wonder
why he had to hit you in order
to feel like a big man, why
he had to act like a drunk hardass
when I came to pick you up for homecoming.

There for a while,
you and I had something,
something that might be termed special,
but that feeling drowned
in a hot tub in a single night.

I heard rumors and murmurs
of you as I stumbled through
my life since that night,
drug abuse here and abusive men there,
and the random facebook messages,
the one ****** up phone call
when Rachael and I asked about your chickens.

And now, so many years and
memories and loves later,
I still wonder what I'd do
if I ever saw you again.

You're not that far away either,
and I promise you,
drunk as I am,
that if you called right now
I would in fact burn down
to Orlando for you.
Jon Shierling Jul 2013
The sky was weeping when you kissed me
softly, like a bare foot on wet grass.
A dream of white sails now, memories of past lives I think,
you an empress and I your champion.

I was a Druid once, five hundred lives ago
when you worshiped with me
that first miracle
in a cathedral with no walls.

The full moon after a summer rain will
forever be your time,
breathlessly
like the master's initials in the corner of the world
visible only to those who look.
Jon Shierling Dec 2013
It's late, and I still know nothing about women.
  
  They say that men have locked women up,
for all times, in all civilizations, in all lifestyles;
  in one way or another locking away the soft things,
supposedly for their own protection....
   maybe to break some kind of spell,
or, more likely...a fear.

But those men, on whom our gender might be judged,
   never have tasted freedom as I have.
And for the men, who love other men:
   it is probably easier for you.

Not socially, or politically, or overtly,
   but poetically, romantically, truly.

Please don't misinterpret me, I say nothing of morals,
  or religion...only Love.

And it really is hard for a man to Love a Woman,
  someone or something so...dangerous.
Yes, dangerous to men who have to learn to be hard,
  the hard way, dangerous to break down that fantasy.

There is a reason that most men are more hostile
   towards women, than vice versa.
How strange, when you have so much more to lose,
  than some misguided notion of superiority.

But this is what I want, this is what I need,
   this tearing down and burning up.
These hands, this flesh, a vessel for fire and light;
   I need your love, as the sun needs the night.
Jon Shierling Jan 2015
What do you want from me?
Do you want my love or my history?
Shall you accept these pieces of a man
living a life made of rusted ideas?

Are you willing to make love to an effigy?

I can give all that I am to you in a
single moment of purple ******,
but when the dawn comes,
my body turns to ash upon your bed.

Waking and you find the pieces of my
soul I left for you...my heart a burnt offering.

I am not a poet, not a man, not a person...
not the idea of love you were given.

I am pieces of a broken boy left to give you,
a love shaped and broken by the idea of love.

Pretending that there is something worth
hunting for deep within what I may have given.

I have nothing to give save emptiness.....
nothing but the desert sands.

I am going to make you love me,
but it will hurt.
Jon Shierling Sep 2015
If only words had the power to rip the lies from your mouth,
or pull my heart out of the purse you dropped at my feet;
one swift motion and a heave, liquid dinner all over
grass and empty beer cans.

The stars still shone as I tried to hold your hair back,
the Earth kept spinning around the Sun,
that last night I loved you, out behind the wal-mart.

But that was a long time ago baby, ancient history
to people like you and me.

Too little and too late for me to say I'm sorry
that keeping it casual just isn't in me.

When you told me you had a thing for ****** up people
I guess I already knew, or wanted to believe,
that I was too ****** up for you.

You don't know how good you were at making me
your Quasi Modo, but you said everything right,
just enough for doubt, just enough for the hook.
Jon Shierling Dec 2014
Some few things you should know about me
if ever I manage to capture your love.

To me, there is no such thing as casual ***
nor casual relationships, nor casual love.

It may not seem like that on the surface,
I may be able to act the part of what society
has told you to expect of a man...boy...thing.

But in truth I sit awake writing about everything
that touches me so deeply that it hurts.

Things that make me happy come with a price
called guilt, and that guilt drives me to abandon.

Stupid reasons and stupid logic born from
things done and almost done that I watched
so detached from myself that I couldn't believe it was real.

If you love me, don't ever tell me
don't do that to yourself.
Jon Shierling Oct 2013
I.
These stars, this twilight palaver, out by what used to be a Wal-Mart;
   walking down streets in a fairytale, apart from you,
   putting on a good show, when all I wanted was to hold your hand.

My memories don't progress like pages, but ebb and flow,
  the way the river does, as it winds its way to the delta,
  with rapids around every other bend.

What is and what was and what should have been are written in your eyes,
  grey eyes, eyes that pierce me like lances when I gaze too long;
   my self then, afraid of being naked.

I clothed myself in words, and folly; raised myself up as intelligentsia,
   as protection, which you saw through so easily.
   What it was I wanted protection from, God only knows.

I bend my thoughts to you, my heart and hopes searching for some message,
   some sign, some carrier pigeon from the Hague,
   sent to change everything in one stroke.

II.
Walking in green fields once,
somewhere in high summer
full of the growing things
we turned
and were
here.

Here?
Yes.
Now?
I want to, please, yes.

The grass was so soft, the sun an everlasting lamp,
the world so clear I could almost see through it.

How can I?
Easily.

III.
Needles, so many needles.
I should have been there
Would have been there

But I made my choices
As you did yours
And who I was then
Was not who you needed

They told me you had a death drive
Who they were to fling Jung around like that
In passing remark about you
I will never know

Here let me.
No.
Please.

I wept for you
I still weep for you inside
This burning you have given me
Imagining as it should have been

IV.
I found you on the floor in your kitchen
Alone
Cold
Barely even a ghost

I gathered you in my arms
And put you in the car
And drove

We drove out past the city lights
On into the dying West
Your feet on the dash
And your heart in my hands
Jon Shierling Jul 2014
I DON'T WANT TO WRITE ANYMORE.
I WANT TO DO.
I WANT TO GET OUT OF THIS ****** CHAIR AND FIND YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO STARE AT THIS COMPUTER.
I WANT TO BE.
I WANT TO BURN THROUGH MY CITY WITH A SOUL ON FIRE.
I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO MUSIC.
I WANT TO LIVE IT.
I WANT TO TEAR DOWN THIS LIE AND DANCE WITH YOU.
Jon Shierling Oct 2014
Wakes up
texts good morning
eats last nights tempura
drinks coffee
and is empty

Tries to read
tries to think of other things
and can't quite find
comfort in old things that used
to bring some slight relief

Makes a passing remark
and is told that if one won't forgive
one will be nothing but bitter
and alone
forever

Doesn't try to explain
that one can forgive
and possibly even forget
but that doesn't mean the same
as setting oneself up
for another betrayal

Misses dad
reminisces about some good times
long past and best left alone
and is irritated for that
***** in crumbling armour

Is a bystander
in a one sided tongue lashing
over pointless frustrations
chemically based
and promptly exits the scene

Is at work
burying half formed anxieties
underneath never ending problem solving
solving all problems encountered
except for one's own

At the grocery store
staring catatonic
through rows of frozen meals
uninterested in actually eating
merely performing a chore

Back at work
typing out nonsense and noise
not really caring for response
simply needing to affirm something
anything

And then I got to talk to you
Jon Shierling Feb 2018
I think that enough time has passed
  enough rain fallen
  enough memories swallowed
  enough pottery shattered and remade.

I think it is time to write again.
Jon Shierling Nov 2014
This always happens,
somehow,
someway.

I have many things that I want to say
a feeling that if only were slightly
intensified, would be able to pour out of me.

So I will have a drink, or three,
but then, for some inexplicable reason
unbeknownst to me,
my hands start to move of their own accord
and I find myself writing
things I never had any intention of saying.
Jon Shierling Oct 2014
Rush Transcript. May include inaccuracies.

Andrea Marsino: We're here today with "     " to talk about his recent best-seller, The Orchestra, which has swept bookshelves across the nation in recent weeks. A stunning display of literary craftsmanship, the book has generated a whirlwind of dialogue in all sorts of settings, from University coffee shops to local dive bars, and even, we're told, in the Pentagon. Tell us "     ", did you have any expectation at all of this kind of reaction?

"     ": Never in a million years would I have thought that I could stir up such a...a hornet's nest really. Sure it's a kind of inflammatory piece of fiction, but I never thought it'd result in so much backlash.

Andrea: Talk about unintended consequences right? How did the idea first come to you?

"         ": Well it didn't just pop into my head fully formed one day. I guess it first started to take shape at a bus station in Florida. I had just been kicked out of my Dad's house and was moving to another part of the state, so naturally I was a bit, I don't know, out of sorts. I was waiting for the connecting bus and was smoking a cigarette to **** the time and just sort've fell into conversation with this black kid who was also waiting for a connection. This was in I think May of 2013, so the situation really hadn't started to fall part yet, but the cracks were definitely showing. And that's what we were talking about, just the overall sense of things not going well, the feelings of helplessness that we as individuals, and seemingly the community as a whole, were feeling at the time. I told him that it'd get better one day, somehow and that change always is a painful process. Then the light came on and I started pondering how that sweeping societal change might be accomplished.

Andrea: There are a lot of themes in the book, a lot of subtext and implied conclusions. You've been criticized for what seems like hostility to faith and some say advocating violent political activism. What are your responses to some of the accusations that have been leveled against you?

"         ": Hostility to faith? Absolutely not. Faith is one of the overriding points of the whole thing. The objection is to organized and subverted religious teachings. Faith exists to aid humanity in the struggle of their lives and I feel like....if you examine history faith has time and again been co-opted into a tool of oppression. That's what I object to. As for advocating ****** revolution, that's another flat out misinterpretation. Yes, politics is a huge part of the story and plays a huge part in really tying the whole thing together. But it's not really about that, it's not about any single issue. It's about people, as a whole, taking back their right to not be dehumanized by anything or anyone, especially their government which is supposed to protect them.

Andrea: I see. So it's not so much about the mechanisms of power politics as it is about people's inherent value?

"        ": Absolutely. Our conception of what power really is I think is grossly inaccurate.

Andrea: But surely you can understand how your depiction of terrorist acts and a domestic insurgency is very disturbing to some people? You were a Soldier yes? Did this affect your style, and the arc of the plot?

"         ": Of course I can. And it's meant to be disturbing, it's meant to illustrate how positive forces of change can be corrupted into violence. And yes, I was an Intelligence Analyst in the Army. We were fighting an insurgency, so in order to learn how, we basically deconstructed insurgencies throughout history. We learned how they functioned, all the sides you could throw at it. And then I learned from two Defense Intelligence Agency Instructors how to start one too. Those experiences most definitely gave me the technical knowledge I needed to write something like this.

Andrea: There's also been a lot of talk about how graphic your imagery is. Many prominent individuals call it a lack of talent on your part, that you can't write without going in for the shock factor so to speak.

"        " : Ha! It's not a children's book. And besides, life is graphic. You can't portray something accurately without tackling the nasty stuff. Besides, things like ****** assault and drug use are essential to some of the characters. It wouldn't make any sense for someone to react as violently as they did in certain scenes without the reader knowing exactly what had occurred previously to form that character's identity.

Andrea: I can understand that. Doesn't make it any easier to think about though.

"       ": I don't know what to tell you. The truth is a painful thing sometimes, and portraying it was not exactly a fun process.

Andrea: And what about those very colorful characters? How did you get your inspiration for them?

"          ": Oh all sorts of places. Honestly, some are based on real individuals that I've known at some point or another. And others are pure imagination. Ta'ra and Clara were inspired by a Dane Jones ***** for instance ha ha.

Andrea: 'Blushing' That's, er, interesting. Characters from ******* is one I haven't heard before. Anyway, throughout the book is this sense of individuals being swept into something bigger than themselves and how they react to that. It's kind of ambiguous sometimes, swinging between very New Age concepts to mundane life on the same page. The quote at the beginning for instance. Very spiritual, very deep. But then you open with an interaction on a street corner.

"          ": Hmm, I guess I could try and explain about things like Theosis, which is one of the main themes by the way, but I don't think it would illustrate what I was trying to convey very well. I guess I was always kinda on the fence about divine intervention and that sort of thing until I read a piece by a friend of mine about an experience she had some years ago. Basically, she was in a diner when a Muslim woman came over and asked to sit and talk. They spoke about spirituality and the woman turned to her and said that anyone could be a prophet, like it wasn't something reserved for saints and such. It was very powerful and finally convinced me that humans aren't just ants on an anthill, so to speak. It spoke to a very, very intimate part of me. So, I took it and incorporated it into what I do. Which is write.

Andrea: Wow, that's an amazing explanation that I really didn't expect. I'd love to talk some more and I'm sure our listeners would love to hear more, but unfortunately that's all the time we have for the show today. "     " thank you so much for joining us today and sharing so many insights about your new book, The Orchestra.

"           ": The pleasure was all mine Andrea, thank you for having me.

Andrea**: This is Andrea Marsino with NPR and thanks for listening. Coming up in the next half hour we have Peggy Walker from Floyd Virginia talking about some of the exciting ways her community is fighting to keep their traditions alive today.
Sound like something y'all would like to read?
Jon Shierling Nov 2010
In the silence before the creation of existence……what God there may be spoke of all that may come to pass……..and this is what I now come to realize…….this great and terrible abyss opens up before me, beckons me to take the plunge into ethereal life yet death at once different and the same…….free association writing that I haven’t been able to stop flowing through my fractured skull since that one day when you and I composed some kind of insanity at 3 o’clock in the morning high as hell and drunk as ****…..I can’t stop to take stock of what I have written here today, right now……lest the demons of forgetfulness come to steal the words away…..the rhythm of the universe cries out in one ALMIGHTY voice “remember”…….what am I to say to the memories we share……shall I embrace the crazy ambivalent yet gruesome life you offer me…..here, now, listening to Tool whilst William Blake weeps in the corner beside me, weeps at the folly of the search for truth and meaning in such a dark and lonely place as this godforsaken desert of a planet……though what Blake knows not in his head, his poet’s heart has known from the beginning……WE CREATE OUR OWN ******* MEANING…….just because we are lied to from birth, just because we are made to believe that if only we follow the rules and vote republican, that everything’ll be all pizza and ******* (to quote Don Cheadle), just because we realize this lie does not mean that we must submit to the tyranny of lost souls and pens of insignificant blabbering about god and morality and some such nonsense about politics…….there is NOTHING…….save the world we create for ourselves….within ourselves…..like that Talmudic script of wisdom……”we don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are”……for what dark god must we sacrifice ourselves to somehow save ourselves or some such ******* that doesn’t make any sense except to say that the death of the self somehow equals salvation……I’ve lost the stream now…..wait it returns, the Fates return with the Muses to give me the strength to say what must be said in these times of trial and tribulation…..I am the Hanged Man, questing irrevocably onward in search of my own metaphor of a Dark Tower…..If only Stephen King would know what kind of an impact he would have on me……if only you knew what kind of an impact you would have on me…..you who tempted me to remove my Iron Mask because no matter how burned and deformed my soul may be, you prefer it to a lie………and that’s what I have done, unto others as was done to me…..I LIED…..I lied to protect myself from all that I thought could destroy me……but once upon a time, in the darkest pit of despair I had ever thrown myself into, when I had not God nor Love nor Belief to turn to for aid or succor I chose to continue existing simply out of spite……the knowledge of life within death sprung from some unknown source within myself, or perhaps Jung’s collective unconscious, or maybe even the Soul of the Universe…….I once thought that the Truth didn’t matter because if one has enough power the truth becomes irrelevant and only what people think is true matters….BUT YOU, YOU WHO BOW TO NO MAN SHOWED ME A DIFFERENT PATH, A PATH OF TRUTH WITHIN THYSELF……….William Blake lifts his head and stares at me after this glorious revelation…..he has come back from his own plunge and brings his own knowledge, his own take on truth…….I am tired now, but I must not stop, I cannot stop, because I have more to say, so much more to say, as do we all……I couldn’t muster the epic courage necessary to tell you what I feel I must tell you….much more than a simple drunken I Love You of a text message…..anyone can say that…..but ONLY I can say that I have know my first untroubled sleep in many years while in the same bed with you….you asked me if you could touch me and you said I was soft….you said I would be soft….I am soft of skin, though not of protection…..I am just as soft within my heart for you as my skin is without……we did nothing but look at each other and I was content within myself…..for just the short time we were there…..AND THEN CAME THE INHUMAN ANGER AT THE THOUGHT OF ANYTHING CAUSING SOMETHING SO BEAUTIFUL OF SOUL AND BODY HARM……….thus why I hate fascism and communism and totalitarianism and theocracy and all that would seek to destroy the world of drugs and punk and freedom that I have come to love with such a fiery passion because it has liberated me from the chains of resistance within conformity…..because of you…..I AM FREE.
Jon Shierling May 2014
It's in there, somewhere;
the heart I wanted to give you.
And out there, somewhere;
you are waiting to receive it.

Turning inward, I weep no tears
and speak no words
nor weave broken memories together
from spools of light.

Turning inward, I wander
and I watch
and wait for you to pull me out.

It's in there, somewhere;
the verse that was made for you.
And out there, somewhere;
You wonder what I have to say.
Jon Shierling Nov 2013
I am afraid of what my hands may write
   I’m not sure why….
most likely something to do with not wanting to hurt anything innocent
   but I suppose we all fail at that endeavor.

Fragile, beautiful things come into our hands and we break them,
   not purposefully, desiring not to **** a lovely thing…
but we can’t seem to help it,
    can’t seem to help hurting people we love.

It ought to have been different, no one should be made to laugh at their own dreams…

I don’t want to write anymore; I want the peace of sleep.
   But I have to write…to keep my soul from dying, I have to write…..
but the only person I want to say anything to doesn’t hear me.
    No matter how absurd the situation appears,
the emotions that we feel are all we have that keeps us alive.

Oceans separate people from each other….
    oceans that even psychonauts are loath to attempt a crossing of.
Anyone who ever believed in anything knows this:
   things ought to have been different….

But people can’t think about things like this all time;
  people aren’t able to go through all of the ******* that encompasses modern life while contemplating the mysteries of human experience.
   And when things get too complicated we run away…

We fear what we don’t understand,
   and I am afraid of you.
No one had ever turned me inside out like you.
No one has ever managed to cut through the crap and shake me to the core….
   except you….

But there’s no time to focus on that,
  there’s no time to focus on one another when the whole world is imposing itself on you.
How can we possibly be expected to delve into people’s souls
  when our mortgage is due eh?

Why should we have to feel the need to love someone
while having to maintain one’s sanity in order to survive?
Since isn’t that what love is…a kind of insanity;
  the kind of insanity where one’s ego is completely swept away.

Freud never loved…
  never could form the concept of ego death
into a beautiful thing…

Certain things will never be spoken aloud by me,
  only written of….
because I too am enslaved against my will by fear of the unknown….
A gutted and revised version of an early free association piece.
Jon Shierling Nov 2014
Lived my whole life
near water or mountains
and lemme tell ya,
there's nothin like wakin up
next to something beautiful.

I spent all of this weekend drinkin,
partyin and just havin an all around
great time with people I love.

This past month, man oh man,
did I seriously have to revisit
some things that I thought I needed
to stay the hell away from, but
whoh how wrong I was.

Jimmy Buffett songs and
Brand New shows,
takin life as it comes
and givin up everything
for a chance at love.

I can write about God
and morality and whatnot
but if I really dig deep down,
what really matters to me
are the quiet moments.

Those seemingly insignificant
memories, such as teaching
my very young cousin #3 how
to fold toilet paper, so that
his *** didn't itch, evidently
his dad couldn't teach him that.

Am I still a boy?
Hell yes I am, and hopefully
always will be, never giving up
that magic, that wondrous sense
of possibility.

Is it a bad thing, that in moments
of forgetfulness I greet my grandmother
as Wendy Lady and she replies, "Hello Boy."?
Do I still watch the Goonies with rapture
and bliss and yell "Hey you guys!!!"

And yet I have walked through fire and death,
seen darkness in all his guises,
lived and ate and breathed horror
as only Conrad can recount.

I can cook, and clean, and provide for myself;
having lived off and on alone for years
so dare you not think me a child,
but my god I'll never give up that
sense of life, that belief and hope
that any and every day may yet be
and adventure worth the telling.
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
I thought once that I could be a light in the dark, a fixed point from which you could navigate,
the reminder and protector of all love and life that you have become so adept at denying to yourself.
I had hoped, that by the power of my love, I could retrace your footsteps in the desert sands, find the source of that secret fire, and lead you back to where you began.  That was my hope, my wish, to be the Prometheus, the exiled light-bringer...that was the myth I clothed myself in, the facet of self I allowed in. But it was only a partial identity, a partial self allowed to live, with the rest of my soul symbolically strangled, cast off like a ***** coat, and that....that is what invited fragmentation. I can bring light to someone no more than can a broken mirror, or a moon covered with cloud. It is the disparity between the dream and the reality, between the loves and the betrayals, that prevents me from retracing any path but my own. I can't reach out to you across this ocean because I don't know how, because I made myself forget who I was in the beginning, before I was so overcome that I exiled myself. It was I who silenced my own heartsong, I who am afraid to live and love without restraint. I yearn to be these things for you, and every other I have ever loved (or thought I loved), because it is exactly that which I yearned for they to be to me. I am the one in need of light, I am the one lost at sea, I am the one wandering the desert in search of the God I abandoned so long ago, I am the one trying to return home. And it was unfair, horribly unfair, for me to make every woman who loved me into something that they were not, and may not, have wanted to be.
Jon Shierling Nov 2014
I ain't lookin for anybody to save me
won't even accept the twirling garbage
that some women have tried to spoon
feed me after they figured out
I loved them in spite of the nasty ****
they confided in me.
You bet "I'll be your back door man"
and I'll actually possibly maybe wake
up the next morning without feeling any
kinda disgust towards you or myself since
I think I've thrown that unwanted baby
of puratinistic sticky ***** out the
window like I should've thrown out
my backwards medieval wanting for
a fairy tale called true love.
Yeah and life rolls on like a highway into
the pearly reflectors in the road
beckoning on into the dire consequences
of knowing that you want to love somebody
but understanding that all you will ever be
to that woman you've wanted to be with
for a year since you met her on accident
and that one day she found a yellow tweety bird
which had tried to **** itself on a glass building
we both worked in and you in your shyness refused
to pick up and put into a tree till she was gone;
is one weird ex-army ******* unless you
get you **** together and explain to her that
you don't want to be without her anymore.
Jon Shierling Jun 2017
And at last I understood why they all hated me.
All at once I knew in my very bones
that even as a child they would look
into my eyes and couldn't see a person looking back.
They could read nothing in me, could not own me,
and I could see right through into their souls.
All the lies they had built for themselves,
all the powers of their plastic civilization
meant nothing when they looked at me.
I am a jackal of the desert, born of horrors
and raised with the spirits of the dead for guides.
When they look me in the eyes
they know fear.
Jon Shierling Apr 2014
Kinda tired of being a good guy and feeling like a bad one.

Kinda sick of feeling responsible for things that I have no power to change.

Kinda fed up with not being able to sleep without drinking.

Kinda disgusted with the accursed dance of attraction to people no good for me.

Kinda hating that it's summer and I have a winter inside.

Kinda worried that I'm turning into somebody I don't recognize anymore.

Kinda running low on empathy when I am to others what I am in need of.

Kinda tired of being a good guy and feeling like a bad one.
Jon Shierling Jun 2015
If I had any lingering doubts about
my feelings for you, they died tonight.
Jon Shierling Dec 2014
Arise children of the fatherland
The day of glory has arrived
Against us tyranny's
****** standard is raised
Listen to the sound in the fields
The howling of these fearsome soldiers
They are coming into our midst
To cut the throats of your sons and consorts

To arms citizens Form your battalions
March, march
Let impure blood
Water our furrows

What do they want this horde of slaves
Of traitors and conspiratorial kings?
For whom these vile chains
These long-prepared irons?
Frenchmen, for us, ah! What outrage
What methods must be taken?
It is us they dare plan
To return to the old slavery!

What! These foreign cohorts!
They would make laws in our courts!
What! These mercenary phalanxes
Would cut down our warrior sons
Good Lord! By chained hands
Our brow would yield under the yoke
The vile despots would have themselves be
The masters of destiny

Tremble, tyrants and traitors
The shame of all good men
Tremble! Your parricidal schemes
Will receive their just reward
Against you we are all soldiers
If they fall, our young heros
France will bear new ones
Ready to join the fight against you

Frenchmen, as magnanimous warriors
Bear or hold back your blows
Spare these sad victims
That they regret taking up arms against us
But not these ****** despots
These accomplices of Bouillé
All these tigers who pitilessly
Ripped out their mothers' wombs

We too shall enlist
When our elders' time has come
To add to the list of deeds
Inscribed upon their tombs
We are much less jealous of surviving them
Than of sharing their coffins
We shall have the sublime pride
Of avenging or joining them

Drive on sacred patriotism
Support our avenging arms
Liberty, cherished liberty
Join the struggle with your defenders
Under our flags, let victory
Hurry to your manly tone
So that in death your enemies
See your triumph and our glory!
Courtesy of the French Republic
Jon Shierling Nov 2014
I once stood upon the threshold of madness
looking in upon a city of wasted limbs
and batwing eyelashes crusted with tears
flung like sapphires from Tiresias eyes.

How now Great Baron of Lust do
you justify the endless legions of lonely
life sick suicides and the saints burning
upon grotesque piles of dollars brightly?

So much sacrificed and sold in the land of
plenty, mana falling from supermarket shelves
and young girls getting ****** in the ***
by sycophantic strangers full of malt liquor
in the backseats of gestating vehicles
screaming in pleasure because the pain
is the only ****** thing that makes sense.

There is a place and a time for writing
of green fields and summer days
life in Technicolor and flowers abounding
kisses sweeter than the purest nectar
and true love that only ever comes once
in a thousand years of birth and rebirth.

This is not that place and it is not this time.

Bought white carnations and a cheap vase from
the shell of a Winn-Dixie to give to a friend I'd
like to love and know that I won't because on my
bad days I ******* in a torn easy chair to forget
drunk on liquor and memories of a love
writing **** in her own blood on a bruised thigh
that had seen too much of a thing called hate.

I have no illusions about what I am or
where I come from and why I churn out
this scathing miasma of filth and shame
directed to the powers that be sitting
supposedly quiet and content on their
thrones built from infant's starved skins
and the backbones of all those nameless
and forgotten proles ******* down cheap
gin and 305's morning noon and night.

Build them then ye cowering babes in suits
those monuments to the all powerful phallus
conqueror of that mysterious prize virginity
stealing innocence and penetrating the veneer
of perfect femininity that you fear will steal your
shriveled testicles if you don't strike first.

****** you captains of business and human capital
profiteers of human suffering and human
fears that can be turned against we weak
chattel stumbling ever onward to the chopping block.

****** you whatever your name is
that slithers into peoples wet dreams in
the middle of the night to whisper horror
and abuse propagating the will to violence
against innocents because of some half-forgotten
past full of parents and ****** and smashed dreams.

**** me whenever you like but know this:
I WILL NEVER SUBMIT
Jon Shierling Jan 2015
It was windy when my father finally met the man who took his hopes from him. It's always windy in the desert during the day unless you're in a town or an arojjo. Greg had trailed the man from Tuson all the way to El Paso, a three hundred mile ride.  The story goes that the guy dad was after was just a bounty...but I know the real background.

My father may have been many things, may have had a dark streak in him, may have had a past he never spoke of...but so do I.

The ironic thing is that this man my father had been hunting over so many miles, used to be his best friend. This man, called Greene, taught my dad all he knew, and left Greg when he needed him most.

Word on the trail was that Greene and his boys cut up a couple workin girls, cut em up the way no woman ever should live through.

Greg found em, walked in on them when they weren't expecting anything, snuck up on them in their camp out of town .

My dad shot four of em down before they could draw...
and Greene was the only one left asking why?

"Why Greg?" he asked. "You know why."
Jon Shierling Jan 2014
Brittle leaves fall upon a
   hard winter's ground.
Worthless bows to a dying shrine.

How long has it been
  since you risked yourself?
Not your body, no you use your
  beauty as a defense.

But that treasure you've locked away;
  your soul lies sleeping in a
tomb, of glass and honeysuckle.

The cathedral is empty, the worshippers
  fled to the countryside, and the monks
sing now only when the hours call them hence.

When will the light come back?
  Or will I forever keep vigil
at an empty altar?
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