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Jon Shierling Jan 2015
Where can I find people like me?
Do they actually exist somewhere
out there int the vast expanse of the world?

Or do I sit here bemoaning my self made exile
in the same vein that a child does when placed
in the corner as punishment for some transgression?

Even if there were some community I might
feel welcome in hiding with at some far
flung place pledging true freedom, still I would
suffer the pains of having a broken soul.

It's been a long time since I opened up
my shoebox full of pictures and saw myself
five years old and wading barefoot through
a cold creek....loving every second of it.

There's another polaroid of me feeding a mint
to that angry old donkey, dead years now,
but that ornery ol ******* and I had some
sort've understanding, him knowing his place
and me trying to discover mine.

Most of my life has been spent clawing my
way toward some ill defined future I thought
I had to travel toward in order to live well,
and now I find myself willingly going backward.

My Dad achieved his dream of having land when
I was fifteen, and when I came back to live with him
again, his land became my own, his cares for our place,
became my own, hauling rocks and worrying after fences,
being a part of something that we built from our hands.

The world changed quickly though,
and if I had been older and wiser I
would have expected that the eventual
break would appear when most we all
needed something of peace.

But those minutes in the clear creek,
and that grudging comraderie with a donkey,
getting off the bus when seventeen and having
horses recognize me as I walk down the dirt road,
hoofed friends meeting me at a gate every day;
that is the home I need...and one day will return to.
Jon Shierling Jan 2015
Long ago I crossed the sweet river
that marked the outer border of your heart.
I filled my empty skins from that river
and sang the song for going away.
In that cold water a part of me was
carried from my shoulders by the current.
Perhaps you watched me slide from the back
of my weary pony and gaze across the years toward you.
Mayhap the wind carried some of my
long forgotten words to your ears.
I have not spoken the old words aloud
since that day I crossed your border
and disappeared into the waiting day.
Jon Shierling Jan 2015
At one time, seemingly lifetimes ago,
I felt as if I could take the pain experienced
by those who crossed my path and
somehow, maybe by empathetic magic or
good old fashioned love, turn it into
something useful to them...but now
I admit that I know better.

God or Allah or Buddha or Luck
placed people in my path and also
placed me in theirs, sometimes for a
few minutes or a day or months or years
but the mechanism and the time are irrelevant.

Knowing now that no matter what I do
I will never be the person that the few I've
loved actually need is a cold, cold understanding,
the kind or understanding that makes a person
age ten years in a month, yet it's something
worth realizing for it's own sake.

Look at this mountain of empty sins piled
around me, these bottles full of regrets,
you see now why when she looks at me
I wave and pass her by, knowing that
all I have to offer is a mere attempt at love.

I have nothing to give to anyone but my heart,
here take it please this beating wounded thing,
take it from my own keeping and do what you
wish with it, for I no longer wish it to be my own.

Take that heart given, and keep it close, but not
too close, for it won't help you when you're happy
and life is grand, no that heart is only in your
keeping for one purpose and one only....
as Dante said, eat of it and take strength for your own.
Jon Shierling Jan 2015
Never again will I make the mistake of thinking that someone in love with what I write is the same thing as being in love with....the rest of me.
  Jan 2015 Jon Shierling
Still Crazy
β€œA man is about as likely to ask for help for depression as to ask for directions, and for much the same reason,” said Real, who struggled with his own depression issues. β€œIt's part of the male code, part of masculine culture.”

~~~

when they ask,

I say, parrying fast,
how you doing?

to the persisters, I mutter fine

which is 100% correct...



been fined for the accumulated

made-mistakes, wrong forks taken,

the weight invisible but the

body sags, nonetheless...



you know they know,

you know their thoughts,

why doesn't he snap out of it,

after all he is a man,

he has always been

what we needed,

why can't he

just go back to the person prior...



this code, is not law,

ten times worse,

genetic and culture passed,

double ******,

code so real, like the headaches,

the nightmares, that forbid equanimity...



not true,

we don't expect that of you,

thankful for all you have done,

but eyes betray,

a simpatico misunderstanding,

the instillers, can't take back

what they celebrated previous...



the signals everywhere, few ascertain,

cause the rule is never complain,

don't go near windows,

lest the sunlight diffused, offers no cheer,

but escape temptation ever on offer...



forgive yourself, someone intones,

but what infects my bones,

is non-responsive to the forget antibiotic,

which does not come in pill format



ask me for directions,

I will talk/walk you to your destination,

but when I'm lost,

I'm just a lost man,

who needs to do better,

forgetting is not in my DNA,

but lost is...choking on expectations

of being everyone's savior,

with no one to save you from yourself...
  Jan 2015 Jon Shierling
hlakaniphile
Everyone looks at me and they judge me but I don't blame them they won't understand.
I was innocent girl believed in christmas father believed in fairies belived in love and trusted everyone .
But someone took it all away and it was too soon for me.
It was a night as any other night I looked out my window so the stars and smiled.
Switched the light of hugged my teddy bear and closed my eyes.
As I was about to come to the middle of my sleep.
The door opened I was scared thought it was a monster...
Yes it was a monster but it was a human being acting like a monster his hand on my little lips . His whole body between my tiny hips he thought they were big enough for him to fit.
Worst pain I have ever felt and the more he seemed to pump it got worse .
Tears on my face throat burning I couldn't breath.
As the "monster" walked out of the room everytime .
He would leave me broken than I was before.
From that day the world seemed different not save .
Cause oneday the monster 's mask fell out and I realised that this was not a real monster it was a man that was supposed to love me and take care of me.
But he thought wreking me everyday was right.
And guess what the woman that carried me for nine months knew about this but she turned the other cheeck.
So tell me how can I stop being so paranoid when the world just showed me how people can decieve you people you love.
The man that was supposed to take my mom as his didn't feel she was enough so he destroyed a innocent soul.
And my mom couldn't imagine herself squeezing the pilllow so she pretended not to see it.
Know you know the story
Behind my bitternes
Behind my anger
Behind my sadness
Behind  my paranoia
When that man broke me he took my innocence .
#judge #betrayed #trust #innocence
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