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Your voice touched me more
than your lips ever could.
10w
My best friend  since I can remember
we were nothing alike
you had your  innocent frills and rosy cheeks
and I had  my attitude
we grew older
to  the ripe age of  18
we were both together to celebrate your birthday
We  stumbled home
we lay on your couch, your fingers through my hair and my hand on your shoulder
I hear your sweet song of you breathing and knowing you are there
is enough for me
3 weeks later
the usual autumn is some what different, eerie
I hear the harmonious song of crows
as I walk to your door
Your whole family is with me
never have  I seen so much rain
I spend hours at your door
When I walk away the wind blows through my hair
I  know its you
You  are always with me
You think because I'm quiet,
that I am hateful too.

and you think,
that because I am quiet,
I am clever.

Quiet means so many
different things to different people,
innocent,
bored,
unhappy,
angry,
resentful,
narcissistic,­
dreamy,
mysterious,
quaint,
selfish,
shy,
rude,
ignorant,
misant­hropic,

But did you ever think,
that maybe my silence
is the loudest
of all cries for help?

Did you ever think,
that maybe I am silent,
because I am afraid?
We walked through high desert.
High,
and feeling deserted.

We sped down the interstate,
barefoot and dodging oncoming traffic.

I guess it's a miracle we found our way,
never strayed from the path
as it wound through swamp-land and quicksand

And soon we were strutting up the driveway
proud, our mascara running like warpaint
our feet had blistered and cracked.
But still, we arrived.
and still, or journey never came to a close.

After the crippling exhaustion of finding my way
to the threshold of home,
the maps were being drawn all over
so I fed myself with the knowledge of bandaging wounds
and repairing a flat on an empty road.

I will come to terms
and hear-out the voices of ****** and despairing,
who tell me with voices like roadside ditches
that the destination
is to become a memory.

to be a worn out engraving on a marble stone.
to be rotted beneath your feet,
deserted
and maybe high
up in some sort of heaven.
You walk like your shoes are made of coals.
Restless,
dancing on your toes as you waltz
between the window
and the kitchen.
chiseling a weak smile between sallow cheeks.
You're wiping loose strands of auburn from your lips,
tucking them back into your greasy visor
and praying for 2 a.m.
And by the time it rolls around,
and you have been sick from the smell
of angsty undergraduates
and overcooked, pre-frozen meat patties,
you could collapse in the parking lot
and let the snow bury you till spring.
Marching across the lot,
into a grimy liquor store
purchasing your poison at a questionable bargain.
supper that warms you inside out,
takes you blissfully to sunny dreams,
leaving you in heap on the kitchen floor
every ******* morning.
Moving through your woozy wake-up call
of sprinting to the bathroom to surrender your shame,
and wipe away the traces of a cold night on a linoleum mattress,
your fingers slipped
while you attempt to piece together this china-doll visage
that you shattered every night
and the curling iron caught you on the neck,
a perfect metaphor for the day-in-day-out
that roasts you on a spit,
slow and searing,
wrinkled and
wrung out into the flames,
crisp and blackened
like the very meat you served me
between stale bread
this evening.

Don't succumb to our fires,
not in a place so fried by it's own hand.
Take your tips, little lady,
and climb aboard a Greyhound
Use those legs and skip to a different coastline.
breathe new air, kiss a new shore
and roast over the fire
somewhere with better *****
and a nicer view.
because that's the only difference, isn't it?
I've been around a beautiful girl
for a few weeks now
she has dark hair
and deep eyes
I could see her heart through her shirt
and I could tell that she noticed mine
she was just a human being
a kindred spirit experiencing the same ride
and we took the absence of time as a sign
that something was special about this
then our parallel lines began to intertwine

we lay on my bed
I'm on one end
as she drapes over the other
we're still babbling
as we see the light come from the blinds
and realize it's breakfast time
we need sleep but our bodies
and our minds are connecting
the room is filled with unspoken feelings

I noticed the shadow of her face
on the ceiling above
flashing from the flicker of the candle flame
I look to her and say "we can hold the ***, I'll take the love"
then the birds began to sing from the trees
and we lay touching as we fall asleep from the heat of the sun

(days)

I remember her looking me in the eye
and saying "together, in a closed room, we made thunder,
you hopeless romantics make great lovers
but you're doomed to walk alone
as artists and poets
down an adventurous path
but you have no clue as to where you're going
I know you're smart enough to have seen this coming
but I must go, I'm sorry"

I've heard that before
and I'm beginning to believe it
But not Fish,
she'd say,
"Fish isn't damaged like the rest of us".

"I bought a lucky charm,
it's of a knitted fish,
because that's what you are,
my lucky little Fish"

"You're my kind little guppy"
"You're my protective piranha"
"Solitary Angel-Fish"

With all these names,
all this faith in me,
day after day
told
that I am their
"Lucky little Fish"
all because I'm not damaged.

Her forrest eyes looking into mine,
the admiration in her face,
the hint of hope in that stranger's,
at the mention
of my not being damaged.

"You're a quiet one, Fish,
but you're not damaged,
you're okay,
you're miraculous"

In that moment I felt guilty.
Thank you for believing that,
thank you for holding me high...

if only I could not lie to you.

I'd gotten so close to wanting to tell the world
no I'm not okay
No I haven't eaten today,
nor yesterday,
yes I'd like a hug
Yes I'd like to die.

But it's that faith
from those who are undoubtedly wounded
that tightens my binds.
I'm grateful
for the way they press into my skin,
holding everything in...

I needed that.

I needed that burst to regenerate
my need to keep quiet.

So I shall.
So I'll never stop.
I'll forever be your
"Lucky Little Fish"
I'm done.
It's as simple as that.
I'm done with living,
I'm done with breathing.

life is a little infinity,
We have such a short time to live,
But that short time seems to never end.

When will the curse of longevity be lifted?
when will the turmoil end?
Is this a punishment?
we do not deserve this.

why?
why, with such a long life
do we also receive
such ignorance,
such cruelty,
such power?

We who are so easily damaged...
we, so selfish, so confident,
what gives us the right to live so long?
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