For some,
strength comes in the
shape of butterflies.
We grip the blade in
search of redeement, but then,
drop them, and replace scars,
with pen marks.
For scribbles on the skin,
are much less intrusive,
than the lines we make to last,
to try and remind ourselves,
that mistakes aren't permanent,
but the punishments are.
Just like a ****** scene.
The blood stains are gone,
but so are the people,
even though they never really walked away.

Life is a contradiction.
You roam the earth,
just to watch yourself and others,
slowly fade away,
you're left with what you started.
But memories will never fade.
you'll walk through life on tiptoes,
never fully able to let go.
Using your skin as your canvas,
and sharp objects as a paint brush
to create jagged lines in seas of red and white,
where you know you need no other color,
because red speaks the truth.
The truth in which cigarette smoke just couldn't bring,
because the smoke filters in the very same thing
which may very
well be killing him,
as we speak.
As lines are drawn and crossed,
you swear to a god that,
you hope will save him,
promising that you'll never touch the poison again,
if he could just spare the only good thing,
you have left,

And that's him.

They say,
you can't hold the whole world at once,
but, once he's in my arms,
that fact becomes myth.

Somebody ask me whats wrong,
so I can pour out this purple heart,
that has been ever so accustumed to swell up,

Why shouldn't it? I've worn it on my sleeve for too long,

For it is ****** and bruised and has been through too much,
and its worn and torn, and has made me tough,
love has tangled it self up in this mess of my swelling purple heart,
and I couldn't ask for anything more,
for this love is whats keeping me sane at any given moment,
and this love, its so strong I just can't let it go,

This exspression of overflowing emotion has become too much,
people around me don't think I'm so tough,
for they see my purple heart fading, my pulse going out,
its finally all gotten to be too much.

We'll all die,
but I'll live before I do.

I raised my glass, to life,
Because even though it may be filled with,
Pain, sorrow, and strife,
All the things I've gone through,
Have only made me stronger,

I raise my glass to life,
Because even though it may be tough at times,
There's always another lesson to be learned,
And another mountain to climb,

I will always raise my glass to life,
Because without all the problems to overcome,
Life would be so boring,
So I raise my glass to life, and simply say,
Bring on the pain, I can take it, i'm stronger than I was
All because of these problems, so i'll only get stronger.

Hooked on self destruction,
my mind was a tragedy at best,
but something in the back of my head,
says something different than the rest,
the small part of my mind,
in which hope lives,
the small part of me,
that believes life is meant to be lived,

Who cares about my past,
all the stupid **** I've done,
the best thing to do, to turn it all around,
is live in the now,
forget about all the things I've said,
about being a pessimistic nothing,
I'm kinda starting to realize,
I more than a bit of a something.

*****.
and how it smelled on your breath,
it was a miracle if the scent didnt linger,
within closed walls,
tight spaces,
they scare me to this very day,
all because of how you became,

Fights,
fought to near death,
I remember you with a knife in your hand,
threatening to end it for yourself,
as well as him,
there was anger in your voice,
behind your drunken slur,

All I could do was watch,
helpless and scared,
I was only 5 at the time,
No Wait! Younger
I was no more than 3 and a half or 4, yet, the memories, they don't leave me,

There was no mommy to run to,
she was the one creating all the fuss,
and, daddy...
well, he was already gone,
kicked out for my mothers selfish reasons,
she claims he hit her,
but my dad? no,  he would never,
(despite his tempter)

People are quick to wonder,
why I am the way I am,
Always forgives,
but extremely hesitant to trust,
ever again...
It has always been a problem I've had,
never thought to solve it,

Thats what happens,
when you grow up too quickly,
surrounded by violence and promises,
that only turned into lies,
as time  went by,

No babygirl,
mommy hasn't been drinking,
she's just tired,
Yeah Right
Wasn't that what you said the last time,
I caught you in a lie,
when I found the liquor bottles,
stashed in the cabinets,
you said you wanted to change,
For me
For Family
For Everybody
But I find it impossible to leave,
as I sit with my recollection of childhood memories
*worth forgetting

Run.
Don't stop.
That feeling you get is called adrenaline.
What a rush.

Ignore that aching feeling in your chest,
Eventually,
It will go numb.
Just run.

Feeling energized yet?
Good. It's working.
That's the endorphins kicking in.
Ever heard the phrase 'natural high'?
Well guess what,
You've got it.

Happiness floods.
You've never felt better.
God, who knew drugs had an alternative?
And all you have to do is run.

I like this.
This freeing feeling.
Being away from you,
Has somehow let me,
Become new.

Now, I'm realizing,
That you were a crutch.
Enabling me,
My pain.

Because when there was a "we"
There wasn't..
It was you,
And me,
Two people,
Tangled in thorn bushes of distrust.

I'm not saying I didn't love you.
I'm not saying I don't now.
I'm just thinking,
Maybe it was leaning,
More towards infatuation.
Which led to strangulation.
Suffocation.
No breathing.
Wire ties, tied so tight,
They cut the skin,
And left us wounded,
Openly bleeding.

Maybe we were meant for seperation.
A trial, meant for error,
Maybe we were meant to hurt,
Feel the pain we caused eachother,
And learn,
Then make better choices based on the lesson,
And so on.

Maybe being together,
Taught us its better that we're apart.
And also, that after awhile,
The pain stops coming back,
And we learn to move on,
Like I'm finally starting to.
Because let's face it,
I said I was fine,
But I was practically dead for a while,
Faking a smile for your benefit,
And crying behind the comfort of closed doors.
Turning up the radio way too loud,
And screaming until my throat was raw.

Why do you think I wouldn't sing for you?
Even after I promised to.
Not only the nervousness,
But, also being scared that you'd notice,
Notice the difference in my voice,
When I try to hit the higher notes.
I've screamed myself sick so many times,
My voice has changed,
There's a certain aspect to it,
The over all raspy tone,
And it would have killed me for you to notice.

For the longest time,
I was so afraid of you peeling back the layers,
And seeing the reckless hatred for myself,
But now, I honestly don't care.
I will cry and scream, and just let it go from now on.
Because I can no longer live in hiding.
I'm done.
And not just hiding from you, either.
Everyone.

I will roll my sleeves up,
And take these ******* bracelets off.
I will no longer be ashamed of these marks I've created.
They do not define me.
I am not that girl anymore.
She was never me.
And I will never again become her.
You know why?
Because for the first time,
In a long time,
I'm ******* free.
All because of a little bit of seperation,
And mental disconnection.

When the leaves first start to change,
I know I have been warned.
Winter is on it's way and soon
I'll be forced to take refuge
from my thoughts, and the cold
that will try to slip into my bones
and rattle me to the core.

Though I've never been diagnosed,
I'm almost certain its true,
seasonal affective disorder lies
dormant in my veins
waiting for the first autumn breeze,
the first winter flurry,
the first ******* signal to send me
into yet another yearly downward spiral,
only difference now
is I'm becoming more aware of the signs.

Sometimes I can't sleep at night
and some mornings I struggle to open my eyes.
Mid lesson, my mind will wander,
taking me down dark pathways
cobblestone streets too often strolled down
by those who've yet to find a way around
the mind gripping struggle that is
Pumpkin Spice Latte commercials,
and fuzzy ******* sweaters.

These things that are supposed to bring comfort only bring me down.

Seeing you on your hands and knees,
Down lower than I thought was ever possible,
It doesn't make me happy,
Although I'm smiling,
I'm not liking what I see,
Although I look happy,
I'm waiting to leave,
To walk out the door,
And never see what I have just seen,
To never let my mind wander to the dark thoughts
That are wandering tonight,
I feel like a demon,
Letting these thoughts continue,
I want to come to your rescue,
And save you from the darkness,
Bringing you to the light,
Just might save your life.

I'm scared,
because I'm in,
way over my head,

I'm scared,
and at this point,
I'd rather be dead,

I'm absolutely terrified,
of what they might discover
will they take me away?
Oh god, the fear, it smothers.

I know I should keep calm,
but thats not an option now,
I'm under too much pressure,
and pretty soon i'm gonna crack,

Tommorow is too close,
can we keep it away forever?

Why do they have to come now,
when I'd rather they come never

For all of the truly happy people,
Take a short walk in my shoes,
To hear some of the thoughts,
That run through my mind,
Would break you down,
Instantly,
You for once in your life,
Would experience,
True hurt,
Then maybe you'll understand,
You just might start to understand,
Why I wear these scars,
Maybe you'll finally understand,
Why I feel like nothing,
These scars,
You say I'm crying for attention,
Well *****,
Then why do I try so **** hard,
To hide these ******* scars
These scars,
These are a sign I fight,
Myself and everyone else,
Scars are emotional,
And scars are physical,
But most of all,
These scars are an adornment,
For life.

Denial lies in these walls
When I tried to hide

From your screams of pain
This life will soon make me go insane,

I can't hide from you today
You can't change the choices you made

Lets end the fight
Once and for all,

Lets end it,
Tonight.

Watch as the waves break on the shore,
Letting water drift back out to sea,
And only foam to remain on your seaside prison,
The only thing to keep you company,

The sun fades red,
And then is no longer present,
Replaced by your long time friend,
The moon, that shines bright,
To remind you of the darkness,
And the stars that speak to you,
To remind you of the ever present silence,

You are alone where you stand,
And the sound of the waves crashing in the distance threatens to swallow you whole,
Then your mind goes else where,
And you're not completely sure how you got there,

All noise is gone,
And as the silence settles,
You realize this is worse that before,
The sound of your heart fills your ears,
And you hear your feet move as you pace the floor,
But all feeling is gone,
You are numb, but very aware,

Everything is louder, to the point where it's deafening,
And the taste of salt is thick in the air,
The world is spinning,
Mind racing,
Heart beating out of control,
Goodbye seaside prison,
I've finally lost you,
Farewell my lovely,
I'm sure I won't miss you..

(And the world fades black...)

Secret mission of the heart,
well where the **** do I start?
maybe by digging out the emotion,
that's tearing me apart,

Chaos is the remainder of my heart,
and its killing me,
its really killing me,
nobody wants to leave me alone,
not even in my own home,
I'd be better off on my own,
so much better alone,

So, a mission,
secret mission of the heart,
well I'll ask again,
where the **** do I start?
maybe by bleeding my pain away,
in rythmic words of poetry

Lets go to a magical place,
outside of time and space,

A place where we close our mouths to speak,
and shut our eyes to see,
a place full of magic and mystery,

Such a place doesn't exist you see,
it's all a dream,
completely fictional,
yet look at the beautiful imagery,

Our minds gave us the power to,
think,
but this theory is wrong you see,
because sometimes,
even people with eyes,
can't see,
and people with mouths,
choose not to speak,

It all depends on what you believe.

Cooler than a winter breeze
Hotter than a summers eve
You and me are truly ment to be
Love has finally set me free
From the darkness hanging over me
Its better now that I can finally think
Without anger clouding over me
Its like a weight has been lifted
Its a gift from you to me
You are truly the one
The one that set me free.

A flower does not simply die.
it is killed, by the very same thing that created it.
Soil. Though now, much less nutrient.

Its honestly quite ironic,
how the things that create you,
are also capable of destroying you,
like nothing.

I mention irony,
in terms of my mother,
whom is now using her bony fingers,
as knitting needles,
to bind my eyelashes together,
as if to blind me from the obvious.

She wasn't meant to be a mother.

No, definitely not a mother.
maybe a toddler,
whom spends her days nursing a bottle,
and then occasionally falling,
flat on her face,
whether its up the street,
or down the stairs,
her face has to leave blood stains somewhere.

She was meant to be alone.

Alone, so she couldn't,
**** the life out of anything that came near,
like she decided she would do to any ***** bottle,
that crossed her path,
dumping me on a road to destruction as she went,
and never came back to save me from myself.

Honestly, I don't know what she could've been.

I just know she gave up everything,
for a bottle and a good time.
shes the flower that sprouted early,
and died in the cold.

Shivering,
so hard that sweat,
pours from every,
cell within my being,
and for once in life,
I believe,
that the weather,
has dipped below,
my subzero soul.

Thinking is a beast,
I've yet to overcome,

It rips your mind apart,
and tries ever so hard to decipher your life,
through the juices,
it is a monster,
a true beast,
and it is trying to,
control me,

Overthinking,
is worse yet,
sometimes making me feel,
like there is an icepick,
going through my chest,
making me more miserable,
every passing second,
its true agony,

This beast slays me,
everyday, all day,
i'm sure it will be with me,
for the rest of my life,
someone shut my mind off,
I don't want to think at all,

No, I don't want to think at all.

Sitting and thinking,
Thinking of all the haunting memories,
Of what I once called, me,
When minutes went by with what felt like eternity,
And while I may have changed drastically,
These memories, they still haunt me,
The scars they remind me, of all the times I lost it,
Lost what I used to think was my last shred of sanity,
My last shred of dignity,
It would leave me instantly, when the first drop of blood dripped down,
Silently.

I wish someone could hear my silent screams,
I wish someone could see these bad omens chasing me,
I wish someone would save me,

Looks like my wish came true,
Turns out all I needed was you,
Your truly my wish come true

All I wanted was for someone to hear these silent screams,
Who knew that person would be you,
Your here when I need you,
As I am for you,

Who would have ever known,
That when I wished on a star,
I would get you,
It's truly my wish come true,
And darling,
I do,
I really do love you.

Lets go back,
To a simpler time,

Wouldn't it be awesome If we could all hit rewind?

Go back to when,
There were no tears to cry,
No one asking why,
Lets go back,
To a simpler time,

Change all the reasons,
That made you want to leave to begin with.

Peaceful, yet haunting.
Thinking of all the souls, they wander.
beneath my feet sit the bodies,
in which they once used as vessels.

All the lives, lived.
Yet some wasted.
So many pieces of stone,
held down by earth, on which,
we have all walked.
All wished to see more of.
But yet most of us,
haven't sought out the things,
outside of our comfort zones.

Cars pass by, slowly.
seeking out the names,
of whom they hold dear.
Of whom who have told stories,
and touched souls.
Only to then move on,
and let them wish for
just another second,
of the presence of the person,
who they had to let go.

The strong sense of presence
follows me,
as the leaves and dead bark,
crunch under my feet.
It's slightly depressing. But calm.
The earth around me so alive.
Yet this presence, is something less.
I feel myself being entwined,
with the ever growing sadness.
And for now I know,
I have had enough of death.

It's time to join the living yet again.

Sleep deprived,
                      
In disguise,

Still alive.

You look in the mirror,
and hate what stares back at you,
so you throw a fist in blinded rage,
and the glass breaks and cuts you,
but you don't feel a thing past your misery,

You swear again and again,
that you're not worth it,
that you were never anything more than a person,
alone in a crowded room,
with nothing more to look forward to,
than a tear stained pillow case,
and the full moon,

But you're so much more,
so much more than you think you'll ever amount to,
you can be anything if you don't let anyone,
stand in the way,
and one day, you'll find that special someone,
who believes in you,
and you'll fall in love,
and nothing in the world will matter more,

And one day, you'll walk down the aisle,
and from then on be known as bride and groom,
husband and wife,
soul mates,
together until fate seperates you,
and even then you'll still love each other,
just from two different worlds,

So girls,
forget the makeup,
and remember that it's okay to wear your hair up,
and that walking around in sweatpants,
instead of skin tight jeans,
does not under any circumstances make you ugly,

For beauty isn't skin deep,
it's all about what lays underneath the exterior,
hiding from view,
and if a guy doesn't take the time,
to get to know the real you,
then he isn't worth the suffering,
so forget the ones who obsess,
over what's on the outside,
and find someone who'll take the time,
to make you a little less miserable,
and who lives to see you smile.

Oh look theres something you don't see everyday
It's me
But somethings changed
There's a smile on my face,
And baby you,
Your the reason,
Your the reason I decided to change
And smile.

accusations fly like throwing knives
and all the while, this war you wage
originates in your brain...

"if I had no one to scream at,
I'd scream at myself"

the words leave your lips
like smoke pours from windows
in a house, full blaze.

I've spent my whole life fighting,
so all this smoke doesn't scare me away.
it simply leaves me wondering

whether I can conquer this
or end up just another casualty
along the way.

Somber summer nights,
Sitting here, listening to you two fight,
And suddenly, I find it necissary to get involved,

You scream, she screams, I've been screaming through it all,
I struggle, knowing that the tears want to fall,
But no, I'll stay strong, because the moment tears fall,
Is the moment I'll loose it all,

I'll never truly know how this all started,
All I really know is I want it to end,
Fights, they seem to break loose, no one knowing when they might end,  
And it kills me even more, knowing you're normally the best of friends,

Please just know,
I don't want to listen to you fight tonight,
On this somber summer night.

She once expressed the feeling,
of blood pouring from her skin.
Self infliction. Something held dear,
to those who don't realize,
they have the potential to heal.

She once told me, she didn't know how to feel,
so she coaxed the feeling from her bones,
in the form of blades, until her skin itched,
from all the unneeded attention.
Cracked, and bleeding,
hurt pouring from her overly expressive eyes,
she masked the pain, walked among us,
as just another misunderstood,
stargazing child.

Her name became stitched into constellations,
for her eyes never left the sky,
unless to stare down at her tiring feet,
and hope to be transparent in her depression,
to people standing on street corners,
seemingly inviting her to join them.

She knew she'd someday board a bus, and consciously leap into the unknown.

Her minds limitations would no longer hold her down.

Oh say can you see, by the dawns early light
that doesn't shine so bright anymore. For soldiers are walking blind into a battle from which they may not return. But they stand tall as they wipe the blood from their wounds, because they know that they're helping a cause greater than all of us.

You shattered my insides with something wicked.
I didn't know to expect this, but I got it
shoved down my throat at the last possible second,
a hurt I didn't think you were capable of administering.

You shattered my insides with something wicked.
I suppose I'll become a heap of organs in your closet
because my skeleton is just dust in the wind,
what more could it be, after the heat of the incinerator?

You shattered my insides with something wicked.
The thing is, I don't know what I expected.
Maybe I was dreaming of some happy ending,
but woke up to realize that reality always shines through.

You shattered my insides with something wicked.

Your love is like an abandoned freight train
crushing anything in its chosen way
it seems you enjoy causing so much pain
leaving me trampled, and in great dismay.
There is an undying weight on my chest
the hole in my heart is fresh and gaping
I am clueless as to what you'll do next.
This pain, I see no sign of escaping.
But you'll move on, as all ex lovers do
you'll forget how our fingers interlocked.
I'll be another memory for you,
my undying love, ever blocked.
I can pray one day you'll regain sight,
and be together again one day, we just might.

The words of my sorrows can not express the feelings behind them.
The only thing I wanna do is say sorry. But I know shes heard it a thousend times.
Like rain drops hitting an umbrella or the stars at night.
I really am sorry.
Baby, you are my world

I'm sorry you're being lied to,
and you don't believe it when I tell you the truth.

Laying in the grass,
you smelled of cologne and
were warm against the cold night air.
The sky was black, and laced with stars that shone like diamonds.
The music played, and you sung in a voice that made my head spin.
In a moment of perfection, I found myself wishing that the night would never end.

It makes me sick, to even think
Of a world with out you,
But I must move on,
And you have to stay strong,
Because even now,
Writing this,
I can't see with all these tear drops,
Flooding my eye's
And I do love you,
But theres too much to sacrafice,
With an ocean between us,
Still, I'm making myself sick,
Thinking about everything,
Because I truly do want this to work out,
But your so far away,
I can't sacrafice everything I wanted to,
Even if the prize is you,
So here I stand when I say,
Can we just be friends,
Starting today...