My head spins at the thought of your embrace.
like a flame to the drapes I erupted,
and burnt down the house that held me up.

I need you.

I need all of you in the most terrifying ways,
you're like a drug I've never experienced,
daunting, and wicked.

I crave you.

Like the plains crave the wind,
or a painter craves pastels,
you're like a potion.

You keep the bad away.

You keep me at the highest peak of insane,
lost in the greatest way,
like dancing with the absence of rain.

Beer cans and empty bottles,
are all you seem to be,
there is no love,
in this obsession,
only lust,
and the more you drink,
the more I see the real you,
wasting away
into nothing,

There is nothing I can do,
to help you,
you don't want me
to help,
you'll only reject
the care I try to give,
and reflecting on this,
did you even really want
a kid?

no one ever told me,
that the butterflies in your stomach,
could stab at you like knives
carving out your insides while,
you sit in silence as you feel the hole
deepening.
stretch.
no one ever told me,
that the butterflies in your stomach,
could feel like gunshots,
from the inside out.

Maybe I won't survive, but that is okay for,
*Egal, wo wir morgen sind!

She threw me for a loop.

She jumped off the wagon at full speed
and fell, like she wouldn't feel a thing
like cold, hard ground wasn't the enemy.

I couldn't rationalize her thinking.
Not if I tried for the same months
She spent struggling in that facility.

Not if I tried for the same lifetime,
She was supposed to spend fighting
and asking for the inner peace she needed to stay alive.

She threw me for a loop.

I'm spending my time looking for escape routes
trying not to end up at the bottom,
where she seemed to put herself willingly.

Forgetting all she fought for,
all the time she spent,
looking for a new beginning.

She threw me for a loop.

Now I'll spend my late nights
looking for the stability
she abandoned for yesterday's highs.

Solid ground must have meant nothing
compared to the excitement she found
in running from her worries.

My head throbs with the idea,
that she finds more comfort in toxicity
than she did in the sobriety that brought her back to me.

She threw me for a loop, and I'm still spinning.

****** memories,
We made,
Oh what a pretty shade of red,
We made,

As we traced the lines,
We watched the blood flow,
Out of our body,
Along with the stress,
Of the pain,
That almost everyone caused,

Together,
We clensed,
Outside and in,
Oh, what ****** memories,
We made.

You make it hard to sleep.
I'm tucked under comforters at 3 am
with the image of your face in the absence of moonlight stuck in my head and I have never been more comfortable than I am
when you hold me up in the air as if
you're trying to show the
whole world my apparent beauty.
And then, you kiss me.
And smiling mouths kiss better
than ones that frown so I pray
that I can keep that grin plastered
on your face just long enough
to connect lips like constellations
yet again.
God I am a mess but I wouldn't have it any other way because
you are comparable to the
shining light that leads me
out of the gallows,
and brightens all the corridors
in my gloom filled head.
I wish I could whisper all of this
into the curve of your neck while you hold me but I can never find words
and form them into correct sentences,
rather than incoherent gibberish
while under the trance that is
the feel of your fingertips
I'm tucked under comforters at
3 am thinking about how lucky I am
and that's why I was late for school this morning.
I overslept dreaming of all we could become.

And for hours,
I sat in this same lonely corner of my head,
remembering what it was like to call you my happiness.
I've forgotten to feed the dog,
and the plants in the window wither,
right before my crust-filled eyes; they are not important.
Nothing is important,
when I'm remembering how
the curve of your neck felt like home,
and my fingers used to fit perfectly within your own.
I found myself sneaking up to your bedroom tonight,
and crying with drought worthy eyes,
when I saw you had taken my picture down.
The text message I sent wishing you well,
has not yet been found, and I am very aware
that you most likely ignored it,
as you have been ignoring me.
I don't know what hurts more,
the thought of never speaking to you again,
or the feeling of other peoples ******* pity.
The never ending string of questions,
"are you okay?"
"feeling better?"
"have you been sleeping?"
I'm simply wondering what the point of asking is,
when you already heard the answer yesterday,
as well as the ******* day before that:
no
I'm still looking for distractions,
whether it's in school work, or friends,
or walks along busy main roads,
tiptoeing along the insanity that is,
four hours of sleep, three cups of coffee, two ibuprofen,
and one lousy apple to eat; repeat.
My days are numbered,
at least until I find the strength
to eat for more than the lowest class of survival.
You took away my appetite with your lies.
my stability is about as easy to find
as that needle in the hay stack called life.
Anxiety causes me to memorize breathing patterns,
and inhale so deeply my lungs may burst,
but my heart rate still spikes whenever I hear your name,
and remember that we used to be known as a couple,
now people are asking me to move on,
but I'm still wearing the jewelry,
still cringing at the thought of you gone,
still sleeping with the ******* teddy bear;
you are apparently better without me in your hair.
I am deeply damaged; you are repaired.

Everything RED.

Red.
Like the blood flowing,
through my beaten,
yet still beating heart,

Yes, I'm alive,
half way to the bliss of death,
but alive,
you need a martyr, I'll be one,

Pray to the gods,
in seek of forgiveness,
for the sins, that in truth, will never be forgiven,
and the lies, that in truth, will never be forgotten,

Now,
I don't wanna feel a thing anymore,
I'm sick and tired of this game we all play,
thinking it'll get better,

Oh you better ******* guess again,

Terror begins,
in a wrist that won't bleed,
because matter of the fact is,
you've already died,
just on the inside,

Everything RED.

Oh god, seeing spots,
getting shakey are we?
maybe its time you're laid down to be set free,
because you haven't got a say anyway,

So dare me to jump off this Jersey Bridge,

Think it over,
and you'll realize,
oversleeping is no way to live,
and dying is a true gift,

So close your eyes, and rest in peace.

Bracelets decorate my arms,
Only because I'd rather you see them, than the scars,
The decorations that tell the story of my past,
Not just a decoration,
But a forever adornment,
They'll never leave me, never let me have any peace,

Why am I openly expressing these feeling now, you ask,
I'm searching for this unreachable thing called forgiveness,
Because the memories will never let me be,
The guilt, it still walks with me, trudging, ever so slowly,
I can't forgive myself for something like this, I hurt you,
Something I promised my self I'd never do,
And I promise myself now,
That never again, will I hurt you by hurting myself,

It's just not worth it you see,
Not worth loosing you,
You're the single best thing that has ever happened to me,
And I'm not throwing all of it away,
For even a little bit of a temporary sensation of mind numbing pain.

The table top is littered with empty coke cans,
and the bills are three weeks past due.
The baby is screaming for her dinner
but the poor mother is too transfixed by her own
concoction of poisons to take notice.
So while her baby girl shrinks,
her face will bloat from the sodium,
another tell tale sign that the cooking wine has been abused,
and she'll never stop sinking,
into her self created pit of despair,
because she's like an anchor that way,
and she'll always find someone else to bring down.

The problem with writing
is sometimes the thoughts
rush through the pen so quickly
it leaves them indecipherable
the next morning.
My hands move too quickly,
and it makes the letters
loop violently like drunken slurs
under lamp posts at two in the morning.

Catastrophic.
Writing about the reasons I can
no longer trust
the time I surrendered myself
completely only to be left
dead in my tracks.
The first time I waived my
white flag and the
knife still entered my back.
Intoxicated lettering could
never completely explain.

And as those lights twinkled in the sky,
we knew, we were meant for something,
and that those stars were our guide

That moment when you realize, life will never be the same,
I mean, *******, it feels as if you left just as fast as you came,
The reaction to you leaving me, I'll tell you it burnt me like the hottest flame,
I was so ashamed,
for having said all the things I said before your death,
but please, I beg, don't think I loved you any less,

Would it make you feel better to watch me as I bleed,
Take it all in and watch as I fall to the ground,
My torn and broken remains, never to be found,
And you'd enjoy every minute, watching me crumble and fall,

You watch with no effort as to who you are, like nothing to the world,
And I'm sorry if you find it uncomfotring to read this when you're down,
I'm sorry I made that smile, turn upside down,

You know,
That smile,
That one you tried so hard to fake,
To not let everyone see how badly you're breaking,
That smile,
The one that covers all the tears that ever fell,
In moments of sorrow, or strife,
That smile,
That kept everyone quiet as to your condition,

Well no not anymore,
Now everyone is in full out uproar,
All because of the one little thing you said,
And it tore me down, it really did, when you said the words you said,
They really were awakening,
Opened my eyes to what i usually couldnt see,
Awakened me to the situation in midplay, the one right infront of my everseeing eyes,
These eyes, they see no lies,
Look past everything that ever seemed to not be right,

So go on dear, look at me and tell me theres nothing to fear,
That I will be happy here,
Tell me nothing can ever do me wrong,
Go on and lie to me again,
Like you think I can't  see you're lying.

Always overthinking everything,
No matter how big,
No matter how small,
A mountains a mountain,
No matter how tall,
These words I live by,
In these words I trust,
Always overthinking,
Is definately a must.