Johnnie Rae

Johnnie Rae Feb 2013

Hot water,
immerse me.
rid me of any and all impurities,
replace them with tranquility.

Give me the strength to pick up a razor,
without the temptation of,
disassembling it,
and sinking a blade into my skin.

Help me,
give me the strength,
that is needed for me,
to help myself.

Hot water,
I beg of you,
please,
save me tonight.

Hot showers have the power to save lives.

Johnnie Rae Feb 2013

Me.

Insane,
is one word I could use to describe myself,
as well as,
Utterly compulsive,
you know, about everything that doesn't matter anyway,
Beautifully flawed,
in my own, wonderful way,
Emotional,
in the worst of ways,
Neurotic,
about absolutely everything,
Fast paced,
so fast you can't keep up with me, physically, or emotionally,
and finally,
Completely unsure,
you know, of myself,
and who I'm supposed to be.

Johnnie Rae Feb 2013

Run

Run.
Don't stop.
That feeling you get is called adrenaline.
What a rush.

Ignore that aching feeling in your chest,
Eventually,
It will go numb.
Just run.

Feeling energized yet?
Good. It's working.
That's the endorphins kicking in.
Ever heard the phrase 'natural high'?
Well guess what,
You've got it.

Happiness floods.
You've never felt better.
God, who knew drugs had an alternative?
And all you have to do is run.

Johnnie Rae Feb 2013

It Won't Be Worth It.

I know a girl who pours her heart out to a razor blade.
And a sweet faced boy who lives life with glassy eyes.
As if living life sober,
Is like putting pins in his eyes.

In these two people,
I see nothing but a call for help.
For someone to reach out and let them know,
That life is something more than one long ride through hell,
That eventually, there'll be something to look forward to.

I'm here to tell you,
That things could change.
But I can't do it for you, because well,
I'm not sure my fingertips can balance the weight of your mistakes.
And I hope you realize, that you've got a long ride on the road to recovery.

And not every part of it will be pretty,
You'll see things that will make you want to go back where you started.
But please whatever you do,
Stay away from the razor blade,
And don't even so much as pick up a joint,
Because after all you'll have worked for,
It won't be worth giving in.

I kinda like this. Comments?

Johnnie Rae Feb 2013

Always

I've just had an epiphany, that solves everything.
Maybe not the way we'd like it to be,
But it's better for both of us I promise,

Long distance relationships.
I hate to say this,
But they can be damaging.
That ever present longing,
To be with that one person,
That you know can't even get close to,
That's beyond hurt.

I really hate to end it. I do.
But I'm coming to find out, it's necessary.
For both of us to be okay.
And because of this,
From the bottom of my heart,
I'm sorry.

Just know that doesn't change how much I love you.
That will never change.
You're a part of me now.
One that won't go away.
And even though we're no longer what we were,
I hope I can still be considered your bestfriend.

Because that's always gonna be what you are to me.

Johnnie Rae Feb 2013

Answers? Nope. Just Confusion and Heartbreak.

Relationships are meant for two,
But there's me.
And then there's you.
And then theres that raging blue ocean that killed us.

No. I killed us.
I plunged a knife through your newly mended heart.

I always knew I'd be the one to hurt you.
No. Not because of the distance.
Because I love you. And love hurts.
Strange analogy I know,
But it makes sense in my head.

****. No it doesn't.
I'm horrible.
I lied to you and now,
I'm sitting here lying to myself.
I knew I wasn't good for you,
Even though you were more than good for me.

I still say you were the one who taught me how to live again,
How to love again,
How to realize that there is good,
Somewhere in this ****** up world,
And that if I look hard enough,
I'll realize it was staring at me, straight faced, the whole ******* time.

But I gave it up.
Because I thought I could get something better.

Hell. Not better.
Closer.
What is the definition of better,
When you were the best I ever had?
I gave up my everything, for a single sensation.
A stupid temptation,
Created by drugs, and feelings.
But I swear it was something real,
Or.. Was it?

God ******.
To whoever's reading this. I'm sorry.
I know this must make no sense.
And if that's what you're thinking,
You're right. It doesn't. Not even to me.
All I know, is I'm severely confused,
And openly bleeding.

I do know one thing.
One thing that stands clear in my mind.
I love you. And despite what I told you,
I don't think I ever stopped.
I love you so much it's killing me to say otherwise.

But there's a second element in the mix,
And you know exactly what(who) it is.
I'm really sorry. But that's something I won't lie about.
I won't deny having the slightest bit of feelings for him.
Because I've done you enough wrong.
And I won't let you live on thinking that everything is resolved.

Because its not.
There's still a mess in my head.
Next to the one that was already existent.
This ones freshly formed, and still growing.
**** like this is just flooding my mind.
No wonder I'm half past crazy,
And the meter is still climbing.

But back to the point.
I'm sorry.

I can't tell you I have all this figured out.
And I can't tell you I will anytime soon,
But I know one thing.
I really do still love you.
And despite all of this,
I'm really glad you love me too.

Okay. I wrote this to find answers. I found none.

Johnnie Rae Feb 2013

Angry At Myself.

I told you I wasn't angry with you,
And that's true.
In a way, I'm angry at myself.
But I won't say that to you.
In a way I wish I could take it back,
But I won't ask to,
Because I know the answer already,
And I don't want to hear it,
Its stated through you.
The way you talk to me,
That's how I know, I put a knife through your heart one too many times.
And this, is the reason, I am angry at myself.