In her dreams, the docent
maneuvers schoolchildren

down museum corridors,
shepherding their bodies

into evacuated galleries
where nothing changes

except the patterns
of nails hammered
into plaster walls.

She speaks pedantic
falsehoods until one

by one the children
disengage and find

themselves a constellation
of nails upon which to hang.

A renaissance takes time, but
not as much as you might think.

Come midnight,
the museum is full
of masterpieces.

And though the works
of art make her weep,

the docent is inspired
to study each small frame
for a brushstroke

that might signify
the break of dawn.

Come springtime, when the magnolia
tree exploded in bloom in the backyard
I’d grab the bolt-action .22 from the closet
and call out to my sister to tell her
that after a long winter, it was time.

There were hundreds of them, and for hours
I’d knock those blossoms down while she
darted below the canopy catching every one—
stunned pink birds nesting in her hands.

We never missed, either of us, and when
the bullets and blossoms were gone,
she would laugh and shake the petals
from her hair and brush them from her
bare arms and neck like pastel feathers,
the soft relics of an unexpected snow.

Nine years and still
we cradle our grief
carefully close,
like groceries
in paper bags.

Eventually the milk
will make its way
into the refrigerator;
the canned goods
will find their home
on pantry shelves.

Most things find
their proper place.

Eventually the hummingbirds
will ricochet against scorched air,
their delicate beaks stabbing
like needles into the feeder filled
with red nectar on the back porch.

Eventually our child
will make her way
back to us. Perhaps.

But I’ve heard
that shooting
****** feels
like being
buried under
an avalanche
of cotton *****.

For now it’s another
week, another month,
another trip to Safeway.

We drive home and wonder
why it is always snowing.
Behind a curtain of snow,
brake lights pulse, turning
the color of cotton candy,
dissolving into ghosts.

And with each turn,
the groceries shift
in the seat behind us.
From the spot where
our daughter used to sit,
there is a rustling sound—

a murmur of words
crossed off yet another list,
a language we’ve budgeted
for but cannot afford to hear.

“I love you cupcake,
sugar cookie,
double chocolate coffee crumble toffee almond cake.”

                                                         ­                             “I forgot my insulin
                                                         ­                               but that’s ok,

                                                            ­                           just please give me more,
                                                           ­                            we’ll figure it out later.”

“You’re my sweet living nightmare,
my small wondrous death,
my fanciful figure of false hope.”

                                          Come melt on my tongue.
                                          Send me into convulsions.


                                                  ­ Leave me here

                Choking on the chalky aftertaste of candy heart sentiments,
                Clumsy banalities dribbling out the corners of my mouth.

                                                      Mur­muring,

       “Forget the ******* insulin. Give me more. We’ll figure it out later.”

the view from the high you give me is
       dizzying.
i want to zip line down to the depths of you
find a home among the wild things.

the wild thoughts that rock you awake
"do you still like me"
"please don't answer"
               rushing out in the same breath.

you're an arbitration for this listless monotony
            of being.
the long ebb,
interrupted by your flow.

you're a sinkhole i gladly dive into,
                headfirst.