Staying in the situation wasn't possible.
I had to get out from his sight.
I had to leave.
I had no choice, not that I would of wanted to stay.
But, I sit and wonder what would of happened if I had.
If I stayed in the situation with him.
If's consume my mind.
It's hard to let go, of the past.
Because they were my life.
In a way they still are because I find myself consumed with thinking about them.
All those memories.
They were all fake.
They never cared.
But a part of me says it wasn't fake.
A war is happening inside of my head.
Who will win?

I had never opened up myself to anyone.
Until i had talked to you.
Before i had lived life.
Until you had taken control of mine.
I listened to you, thinking nothing was wrong.
All those words i had said, didnt matter to you.
I was desprate to hold onto anyone who showed me an ounce of love, healthy or not.
Everyone knows now.
I have to say it's worse.
I almost wish i had stayed oblivious to your ways.
Because i lost almost everyone i cared about.
Because they don't believe me.
It's not that though that is really bothering me.
It's the fact that, you can walk around and do anything you wish without a worry in the world.
I have to be the one who is stressed.
I am the one who doesn't  get to see the girls grow-up.
I have to sit at family functions and hear about you.
I have to hold it all in, because would look at me as though I was the crazy one.
When in truth, you are the one.
You are the one who thought it was ok.
You are the one.
But I'm the one who has to pay every-day.

It has become night, the most dangerous time.
When everything seems to come out and try to push you into the dark part of your mind.
The thoughts you push away come out.
You struggle falling asleep.
So, you turn on the radio but the song him and you listened to comes on and you start crying.
You remember everything.
You are not safe at night time.
You stay awake for as long as you can, until you have become exhausted and your eyes slowly start closing.
Your final thought is, I hope my dreams don't torture me.

Wake me up.
I have had this dream before.
Tired eyes.
Wrinkle under eyes.
Tired body.
Stressed mind.
Please take me out of this dream, I can no longer live in this world I have created.
Where you are the Prince and do no wrong.
A glimpse of light crawled through the darkness and I saw the light, you were trying to hide me from.
I'm no longer yours.

If I told you, everything that has happened, would you believe me?
Because they didn't.
If I told you, everything I said to him, would you believe me?
Because he didn't care.
If I told you, what he did, would you blame me?
Because they did.
Would you love me, and trust me, would you understand if I told you everything?
If I told you everything, would you look at me different?
Would you see me as a victim?
Because I'm not, I don't want to be seen as a victim.
If I told you, that I'm happy now, would you believe me even after everything I have gone through?
Because I'm not sure if I am.

I will survive this life.
I will survive the nights when I cry for hours.
I will survive the moments during the day where I feel exhausted.
I will survive the moments when I feel like I cannot get out of bed.
I will survive living without them here with me.
I will survive.
I always have, because a part of me has always wanted to live.
A part of me has always told me to hang on.
But I need you, because I'm stronger with you.
I'm stronger when I write.
I'm stronger every day I decide to get out of bed and make the effort.

What do you think about ghosts?
What did you think of them when you were small?
Before they started haunting you in your sleep.
What did you think of demons, before they were pushing you down?
What did you think of depression?
Before you struggled with it yourself.
What did you think about people with Anorexia before you struggled with it?
I hope, you would think that the ghosts will someday go away.
I hope you found a way to find peace while sleeping.
I hope you found healthy ways to deal with the depression.
I hope you decided to get help when you struggled with Anorexia.
But, if you didn't, you still can do these things.
If you feel like you can't do these things you can!
You can get better, you can start recovery.
If you fall while in recovery then lift yourself back up, and find the strength once again to help yourself.

Haven’t you ever seen a knife before?
She slowly pushed it closer to me.
''Yes, I have seen one once before''
I think in my head of all the times I had picked up this knife, at night, in the afternoon and in the morning when I felt alone.
She pushed it closer once more.
Tempting me, she knew I was trying to stay away from this knife.
She, isn't even a person, she is apart of me.
A small part of me, trying to push me into the habit again.
I'm fighting it, I always will.

I have had a fairly bad day.
Nothing exactly went wrong.
But have you ever just been so tired.
That you can barely keep your eyes open.
Have you ever had everything fall apart right in front of you?
Have you had a day where you are around everyone you love, yet you still feel bad.
Because something is making you feel sick to the point of wanting to throw up?
But you can't do anything about the situation.
Because it wasn't your fault.
But you blame yourself any way and doubt everything.