my impending future
is my personal vision of hell
an inescapable carnal carnival carousel
of pity and wishes of well
pain as my only friend
unending
until my accelerated desiccated demise
id rather die
in a few days time
flying with the sun in my eyes

nothing left in a right world
conservatism and conservation are not compatible
consumerism is their watchword
devouring everything worth anything their will

all i can remember
is the hell ive been living
seems like its been like this
since the very beginning
though i hope thats not true
life before the fall was hardly heaven
everything is better in memory
than it is at the present

my yang
is a yearning
i can never fulfil
ive tried many times
to find the match to my sigil
whole is a concept unknown to my soul
i am one alone in my darkness
inviting dawns oblivion

what happens when the prodigal son returns
wanting nothing but apologies for bridges burnt
is he has to cross a chasm
has his advances spurned
travels back to his far country
lesson learned

i found a faith in the word
i couldnt find any other way
talking to myself or the wall
to while the days away
now im finding old friends
again
i find have nothing left to say
my whole mind is laid bare
right here
so i can just quote what i wrote
over thousands of lonely yesterdays

along comes another season
spring again again
a reason to be cheerful
and fearful of the fall
after a long hard winter
in the wilderness alone
summer is rebeckoning

i spend my days
rearranging
data on the computer
my machine
is almost psychically
connected to its user
everything is laid out logically
in this universe of illusion
to take a step away
into the chaos reign
of the real world
is an intrusion
soon be back again
sustenance attained
level up
and on with the mission
in the only game
ill willingly play
waiting to waste away
in front of the television

i cant be any more than i am
without making less of me
im unsure
but i wish to understand
what stands between
fate and destiny

they never came back
when i set them free
not the women
not the friends
not the family
ive never been wanted
never wanted to be
i had to lose all id found
to find myself wanting

if you collaborate with the enemy
then you are the enemy
if you perpetuate hegemony
you must die
no vote no say you say?
that's no choice anyway
there's no hope for a change
while we're living your lie

im trying to decide
if this is hell
or heaven
when im eleven oclock ******
and its only seven
ive got enough
to power through until nine or ten
but then im crashing
ill be passing out
and ******* meself

nowhere to go
noone to be when i get there
im all alone
a refugee from humanity
going spare
got to go on
get going or get gone
get off at the next stop
regardless
between here and eternity
or seize the controls
let it roll
take the brakes off
see what fate offers
crashing headlong
forever headstrong
into the buffers theyve erected
marking the end of my line

the only thing worse
than being wrong
and shouting about it
is being right
and not saying a word

tories give you **** all
and then blame you for having it
make you the scapegoat
for their cause and effect
you should be self made
like them
and their forefathers
names you should recognise and respect
these nuclear families
at their core plantagenet
conserving themselves
at the cost of the rest
should be expelled
ejected
gelded and fed the excess
strung up from lampposts
by their wallets
until death

all my stars were black holes
all my light points dark pits
plain to see in hindsights redshift

ive come to see biting the hand that feeds
as a virtue
i like to let you know that you can bleed
i can hurt you
that nothing that you can do for me
is enough to
stop me going for your throat

this thin sliver of me
amid the spectrum
of rage and depression
fights on valiantly
stopping the needle swinging
too far in one direction
atonement or atrocity
two paths one destination
self destruction guaranteed
explosion or deflation
erosion or erasure
my gauge for engaging occasions
will always be
this thin sliver of me
and its quest for equanimity

biting the hand that feeds me
is the nature of the beast that eats at me
raging caged within it beats self defeatingly
gnawing at its paw

we are clumps of chaos
born to waste away
back into what made us
at the end of our stay
our brief coalescence
sentience we say
would be no less meaningless
without the words to describe it that way

please understand
that you reap what you sow with me
im way beyond right or wrong
at this point in proceedings
nothing you say now can change how
our end is beginning
it started way farther back
than youre comprehending
that this is the first that youve heard
is your singular failing
you would have been well prepared
had you been concentrating
its been sixteen years
since i came to my senses
and ive shown you every single day
**** the consequences

if youre going to send
three pigs to my door
ill huff and ill puff
then ill blow the ***** up
your duty of care
doesnt work any more
it will get us all killed
in a cloud of brick dust

you make me
a self fulfilling prophecy
so well played
you'd hand his ****
to machiavelli
what you don't see
is all you'll lose
to claim your bounty
what you taught me
is that you have to die
for my life to have had meaning

Holy See holy do
so full of holes
youre wholly see through
you speak of evil
hear in evil
see no evil
do you?
look inside you
youll find who
your guidebook describes as
the beast of revelation

if there is glamour
in being anti it
you enamour it
so you make it so
your cause needs to be effective
so you affect it
keep the kudos coming
take your percentage
make the next gig
bigger than the one before
nothing less than
armageddon wins it
sell another ticket
on with the show

they were once amateurs
living life for the joy
doing the things the professionals forget
once theyre employed
now they spend their time allocated
filling weekends with toys
trying to remember the feelings they had
when they were happy little girls and boys
whats lost is the wonder
once gone its destroyed
they can never recapture
that unfettered rapture
of knowing your time is yours
until one day theyre sat there
wrapped up in their own little world
wondering what happened
how they made their whole life work
start to look for whats lacking
now they can afford what they think they deserve
turns out all they were after
was to laugh like they didnt have a care in the world
rich in their poverty

im up to my nuts in the tide
crying defiantly
warning the waves away
im not obstinate
im mired
my rime rimmed eyes
are master of naught they survey
my hands are tied
im bound to be riled up
watching whats coming my way
regardless i try
ill stop when im dried out
or drowning
take a deep breath
and start over again

you need to check your front
is not on backwards
getting caught grinning
is no laughing matter
remember
in it to win it
less is coming last
be the index not the epilogue
when it comes to chapters after
or its time to close the book

atwixt the time i knew you as forever
and the time i knew you were gone
there were moments atween us transcendent
every
single
one

its hard to make plans
with your head up your ****
when you cant see past
the colon

the H in NHS is for Humiliation
that much i can say for certain
the N and the S? I can only guess
but im not hanging round to discern it
id hoped that the H was for Help
that id take them my problem
theyd be the people to hear it
but thats not what theyre there for
theyre only repairers
proactive is asking for miracles

time scratches past infuriatingly
catching upon every tangle along the way
stretching tortured moments taut
excruciating
tearing when its all too much to take

the more you crave the pinnacle
the easier it is to forget
that the lower you start
the less height you can expect
that you have to be dried out
to even start getting wet
you have to be drowning in it
to be caught in their net

youve become vindictive
in your hatred
remember the victor
is always tainted
by the victory

i hope with no hope
that this end isnt mine
that im at a beginning
a reset in time
but when faced with reality
when i open my eyes
every day has been a loss to me
wasted life

remember remember the 14th of november
petrol and death and destruction
all other terror
for now and forever
shall pale before my final eruption

im
physically
mentally
socially
economically
ideologically
basica­lly
bereft

still talking to myself
on the tin can telephone
if i shouted any louder
my tongue would be a semaphore
im getting nowhere faster
than a paraplegic tortuga
tortuously touring
a mini minotaur in its mystic maze
running marathons before the bulls
hit all the china plates
youve placed in every possible avenue
of escape

reaching for oblivion
falling short
searching for a reason
to end it all
infamy is beckoning
make the call
tails we're on a winner
heads will roll

put me out...
beseeched the burning man
before the help came
then lay in tears
his searing mouth
incapable of the words
they needed to hear

sad eyes see sad eyes you see
she said to me
we shared a tear
our moment shed
we sloughed away
each to our own despair

if you refuse
youre refuse
and theyll do
what they do

dont confuse class with circumstance
coincidence can happen to the richest man
for many a king has faced catastrophe
lost their heads holding a hand out in defeat
better men than them need to eat

...so i asked myself
"what do you know of love?"
then sat waiting
for the fire to subside

im not allowed my own echo chamber
so yours fills my void
fulfills my every living need
by making me avoid
thinking about anything
that could make you annoyed
when questioning what living needs
you give the child more toys

lies need to be caught
truth needs to be free
anyone can see that
undeniably
so you close your eyes
put your fingers in your ears
ignore both for your happiness
live blissfully

i can give my all
now theres nothing left
done the demolition
need an architect
thorough renovation
still time yet
a little tenderness
turns this rubble pile into a palace

ive come to the conclusion
that this planet is bad for me
i came to this conclusion
part madly part sadly but accepting
i came to my conclusion
long before my conclusion is happening
ive concluded if im not pulling through
pushing off will be nothing
if not a relief

the rage is my suicide
trying to save me
building walls on my shores
to break waves
to ensure i dont succumb to the tsunami

i ***** all my candles
squander my skills
smother my talents
when theyre revealed
present a peasant
when pedants are near
prefer people with fur
to any human here
introvert
only known myself since birth
every human interaction
intricately observed
psychopathic tendencies
kept strictly in reserve
dont look in my direction
noone gets hurt
everybodys happy
yay