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 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
You're playing this little game, like,
slowly shift away from Maddie when she's standing on the balcony
and yell at her for yelling
and tell her, "GO," loudly,
like, "we don't want you here,"
and you laugh at my feelings as though they're
cliche and not worthy of your attention
and you ran away from me when I walked up
the stairwell, saying, "Watch out! she's coming!"
and I know you think it's funny
or it doesn't matter, but
if you only knew how much I loved you,
you wouldn't dare. and I think when I
gave you that hurt look just now,
you knew you had pushed me too hard
so hard that you might have broken me.
she doesn't love me.
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
maybe I should be a nun
or date that boy in orchestra
or adopt more cats
because anything would be better than
spending my free time learning love songs on guitar
so i can melt your heart if need be
and constantly dreaming about you
and being crushed every waking minute.
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
"I'm depressed," she said, laughing a bit.
You gave her this glare, like "look you lil ****,"
"You know not what you speak, you don't even get
what that means," we live in a world when as long as you
have an excuse, you aren't responsible
and "I'm ADHD" is enough to be able to do
whatever you want, and you aren't held accountable
At what point do feelings become genuine enough
to justify your actions? When is it okay to hurt
others and plead insanity, your morals aren't tough
You're confining yourself, staying in the dirt,
"I can't get higher, the world's stacked the odds,"
is enough to believe you're 'fine just as you are'
When you use, 'I'm okay as a sociopath, why don't you love me'
instead of, 'I can be better, I can get very far,'
Everyone will be held responsible for their actions,
Boys will NOT just be boys, and girls are not all *******
We don't have to break into meaningless factions
Hurting each other, you gave my heart stitches,
you don't have to do that. You can be nice to me.
because in reality, you ARE fine, you ARE free
These limiting conceptions are what's holding you back
It's impossible to believe you can get back on track
You're stuck in this rut and it hurts, it tingles
The rays of this roof is breaking through the shingles
I want you to be happy, I want you to see light
The will of your body is the will of your mind
You can conquer these words, these diagnosis confines,
You can do it. I know. Believe me. You're fine.
I have nothing against people who really, truly, honestly are diagnosed with personality disorders. But who defines at what point it becomes a disorder and at what point is it just your personality? If you label everything and say, well, this is what I have, then it becomes impossible to break free, instead of overcoming whatever vice you have. It becomes an excuse: "I have anger-management problems, that's why I punched you in the face." People have over-diagnosed themselves and it hurts the people who really have these disorders because it gives a lack of credentiality to what they are. But I, as always, am a firm believer that people can mostly overcome whatever it is life throws in their way. Yes, maybe you're sad. You can fix that. If you're clinically depressed, you maybe can't fix that. It's just a muddy gray area and it's difficult to draw the line. But who is it that determines if your feelings are 'real' enough? No one can get inside your head. I don't know. My beliefs on this are complicated.
Give me the chance
And I would prove to you.

I Love You

I connected every
Beautiful thing about you

And it made the most
Perfect sheet of music.

And I lay

I'll try for you
Give me

**Forever and a day
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
Whenever my mom talks about gays, she says,
"Why does it matter if they sleep with someone of the same gender? You don't have to tell me about your *** life."
But it's not just a *** life.
It's a love life,
and love holds everything we are together
and if my love is different from yours,
in a world when people like me get bullied,
destroyed
for something they can't help,
then I want to know I am safe.
I want to stop lying to you, to my mom,
to my dad, my teachers, my friends.
I want to stop coming to school and being terrified someone will
realize who I am.
I want to be able to be honest about these deepest of feelings.
I want to be able to tell the truth to people who love me,
and I want them to be able to still love me after it.
I long for the day when this won't even be an issue,
and I can look her in the eyes and kiss her,
without gasps or gags or threats of death.
That day is not today.
I long for the day when we don't have to come out
and everyone is free together.
That day is not today.
So, until then, I will wave my ******* rainbow flag
and scream until I can hardly breathe
until it's safe for you and me.
It's horrible we have to use the word gay.
Love is love and it shouldn't be defined a certain way.
creds to Elisabeth Hess for the last two lines.
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
Music
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
Music is the hidden voice inside us
not just what we're thinking, but how we're thinking it, too
and it's a secret look into the depth of someone's psyche
an intensely personal glance
into what you have in common
with other humans-
what it is that makes their heart beat faster,
like yours does,
when you see that girl, or that boy.
It's this deep soul-connection you have
with the person dancing beside you, because they
have different stories but the same feelings
and that's the closest we can get to love.
By the very nature of the act,
there's nothing impure, nothing untruthful, nothing wrong.
"What is it that makes you feel alive?"
"...I'll play you a song."
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
Grace
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
I told her a while ago, "If you knew what I knew about me,
you'd hate me."
Well, maybe not hate. You wouldn't approve
because most people talk about ****** things
with lust in their eyes
or if they had a negative experience, they were *****
but for me, it's different, because
what I did
was built on a sandy platform of lies.
"I love you,"
"You're the only one I ever want to be with,"
She must have seen through it. She must have known.
She seemed so broken that night.
It was like everything she had hoped for
was there, and yet it wasn't really,
because it wasn't like she expected.
And months later, when I finally couldn't hold back my
mis-directed guilt, I glided past so-and-so's number
and called her up
and left her fourteen voicemails in a row, to apologize.
I cried on the phone and I'm glad she didn't pick up.
If I became Mother Theresa,
and saved the lives of millions of children,
or gave my life serving,
or made a billion peoples' day every day,
I couldn't repay for the pain I caused her.
I have dedicated my life to Christ,
because of that one girl that I broke, offered her a chance
at her first crush and it was a false chance,
so I will pay every day and be a sun, see if
I can change things around for you, and you, and you
and make sure I never do any more harm.
I will strive and serve and become someone who could not,
("no, not her, she couldn't have!")
have hurt someone like I hurt her that night.
Last year at camp, the pained looks she gave me when I told
that fireside story, or when I sang to the guitar, or when I hung out
with my friends, couldn't possibly have hurt more.
And I can't even grasp how seeing me there hurt her.
No matter what I do,
It will never be enough.
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
Divorce
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
I never looked at things like maybe your mom does
Like, 'I've been in love with this man for twenty years
and he doesn't want me any more'
until a few days ago. And then I realized
maybe that's why your sister has such a fixation on gender
because what a man should be
is different from what he's been
so she wants him to go back to what he should have been,
and maybe, that's why you aren't touchy-feely
or comfortable with affection, because
you haven't seen it, because the past ten years
your parents haven't been expressing love
and maybe that's why you feel uncomfortable with overt displays
or even unvert displays
and maybe that's why you don't know how to love.

Honey, if you let me, I'll show you.
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
You tell us that to be too energetic is to be annoying
Or naive
and you get upset there's no positivity around you
and all that's 'okay' is negativity but to be
anything else is to be 'weird'
but where's the sunlight behind the rain?
All the boys are ******* with no personality, but
darling, if you're emotional or have any depth, you're
gay
And guys want a girl who can talk about sports
and won't *****
but those girls are
lesbians
and all anyone wants is to laugh
"Stop laughing, it's aggravating,"
And there's nothing I can do right,
I'll be hated if I do
and ****** if I don't.

Then maybe all this irony is because misery wants company,
And we're so busy making each other miserable
that we've become terribly poor company.
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
Untitled
 Feb 2014 Jocelyn Aguilar
M
If you ever asked me,
"How do you feel about her?"
I wouldn't have a clear answer,
I'd probably tell you something simple like,
"Oh, I love her"
or "I want to **** her and she's
super duper hot"
but at the same time, "my church says that's a sin to want that
and I'm not sure what God wants from me
and to the best of my knowledge, He needs me for some great purpose
beyond loving one person
and I can't squander my future on her"
and "also I hurt everything I love"
so "I'm scared to love her because I'm scared
she'll think I'm creepy or crazy"
and "she's not even into relationships and doesn't think that's important
so I don't even know if a relationship would work"
and "my parents would be fine with it"
but "her family wouldn't be okay with it"
and "we live in such a hard time for acceptance that
if I went outside and held her hand, someone could **** us,
literally"
or maybe I'd tell you that "I'm fighting my feelings every day
and it's a cross I must bear"
and "I'm better off being a nun than falling for people I can't have"
and maybe I'd tell you that "all these complicated feelings,
dwarf in comparison to the huge, overarching,
powerful amount of love
I have for her,"
how "every day I would wake up next to her
and I would put on my shining armor
take my cross up from beside the dresser
burn my bridges on the way to work
if that's what she wanted."

Yeah. I'd probably tell you that last bit.
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