What do i do when all of my family dies?

Will i ever have a calling?

Will time try to cheat me?

Can i actually feel as much as her?

Did my eyes linger too long?

Will my writing always be subjective and unfeeling?

How far is too far?

Am i actually crazy?

If i started running now, how far could i make it?

Does he still think about her silk skin?

What do i do when i reach the next dead end?

What would have happened if she jumped?

Will i find satisfaction on this dumb grey space rock?

Am i truly left here to drown in my own thoughts?

Does she know i would never dismiss her?

Will anyone miss me after all of this ends?

Will i ever stop thinking of myself long enough to make an impact on someone else?

How bad does heartbreak hurt

and will i be lucky enough to skip it?

How did he escape untouched?

Will i ever fall asleep?

a hollowed attempt at understanding
crowned with a rosary
and clothed in ignorance

hiding in the word of God
weeping for Eve
triumphant with David
she alludes herself to be living

if we all made her decisions
no one would be living
and we would find ourselves
forgetting about the sky

how apocalyptic to forget about the sky

we do learn
at our own expense
no room for knowledge
when we're being suppressed

no learning in solitude
other than limitation
only parents known
and there is only imitation

God can't be found with holy beads
and gold crested frames

and if God knows our names

he should know our struggle
with evil and good
counting the times
before sin we stood

you are mad at your mom
you are mad at God
you are mad at manners
you are mad at your ignorance

you found your Faust thoughts
hiding in the attic
and evil seems reasonable
because goodness pushed your parents
off the edge of disaster

open their minds with knowledge

and choose the balance

because no extreme is ever going to be worth it

Why do we cage birds
If their purpose is flight?

Its kind of fun to know
I am teetering on the edge of insanity

time has always tried to suffocate me

each year of school
joined by my sinking heart
and pounding head
and realization my crayons
have to get more mature

i cried everyday of the first grade
sobbing to my mom
in my princess nightgown
at 3 am

"Why do i have to grow up?"

i miss recess and arts and crafts
scraping my knees and crying
and having someone there to hold me
until the pain subsides

i miss saying nonsense
and feeling imagination
without the following fear of criticism

i miss crushes and cartwheels
and being excited by the possibilities
of the world and its inhabitants

i spent most of my childhood
counting the time i had left
to be a kid

i spend teenage years
marching around
fearing my inevitable "career"

climbing drown the rusty fire escape
from your mind into your heart

i see the chords
for a song
on the slide guitar

and crumpled papers
of all of the words you had
meant to deliver to me

you threw them away
because they had expired

i see the fibrous edges
of your hollow insides
fraying
from the words
your saintly mother
punishes you with

because

to improve ones self is to improve for God

but your heart
sprouted with new growth
on that warm spring day

and as we sat behind the wall
overlooking our hometown

we rolled in shells and twigs and grass
and acted like dogs

and in the pale yellow sunlight

i finally saw your heart smile

i see her disregard
the most genuine embrace i could muster
she cries and heaves
and whispers secrets to herself
as if i wouldn't listen

but where was the much needed moonlight

she writes down my advice
like they are her last words
like they could travel back in time
helping her learn life lessons
before it was too late

i hate hearing myself talk and not being heard

i smell her broken mindset
and unwillingness to repair it
i know she is addicted to the pain
through her
physical cuts
and unwillingness to let go emotionally

i thank myself
for holding on to my brown paper package full of hope
because her care package was ripped and spilled
along with her blood
the first time she decided to
never let go of the memory of him

he will be her grudge forever

i see the other two
caring for the broken one
who only wants to break
the word "them"

i admire their willingness
to give up a relationship
to drown in her pledge
to numb herself or get what she wants

and when they left
and talked in secret
about a fantasy first kiss

i talked her off the ledge
and into her warm bed

sure we were all intoxicated
but every raw emotion was on display that night

i am the one who knows that
this situation happened because
teenage love is ****** up

i am the only one who remembers that night as a whole

i am the keeper of these emotions and events

i am the witness of the truth

lace eyes
vintage and timeless
stream wild ideas across their filmy surface
beyond then and beyond now

how can one body hold so much innocence
and so much knowledge
like they go hand in hand

pale with a blue cast
she has never once looked cold
her voice grips on to the lingering notes
played by a blues guitarist
and the soft howl of a folk song

she never appears with a message
or reason

she is simply there to make me think

she is a celestial friend

and although it's just a dream

i know she loves me

We search for change

But we hate that the conditions of this search aren't constant

For all of the things I want and wish you loved more often

your rapid thinking
your turning night into day
and your laugh that floats in amusement

your calming soul
and your dimple that shows
when you indulge in a genuine smile

your stomach
your selfless nature
and your strong grip on any remaining innocence

your honesty
and movement
and self control
although seemingly unhelpful
they make you a strong woman
something our society needs

your ability to choose
your own thoughts and choices
to disregard trends
and clothe yourself in a pity-less lifestyle

you are what i strive to be and what i am lucky enough to have today

My loss of balance
I blame on evolution

I look around and see smoke
in the air from
pollution
and
my best friend's cigarette

I see different eyes
how they evolved into unique shapes
and how both people
still need to console themselves
with their man made vices

when i'm sober
I can only think of
the strong imprint
of the smell of whiskey
and the plans for its return

so I go find my old hide away
from the days sobriety didn't concern me
and see it surrounded by thorns
and feel it grown into the hillside

As I scrape my ankles
and sacrifice myself to these tiny threats
I wonder if this old clubhouse
represents what happened to me

Am I cruel for the same reason the forest grows thorns?

Though beautiful on the inside, we both want to keep the world out.

Darling catch me when i fall
I only see you when i blink
And hear you when i sing
And feel you in the blanketed bed i call home

Join me
I won't mind

i feel
a relief
and a new burden

i feel
an ending
and beginning

i feel
panicked
and at ease

i want
a new life
with the good from the old

i want
a fresh brain
since the used one has been scribbled on
doodling your name
over
and over
and over again

i want
the old memories
when we were so new to each other
that the adrenaline kicked in
with every innocent glance

i need you

to be flexible
and new
and awake
and aware

please be ready

because i'm not ready to sit on this plateau
and pick the grass with you
because you have so much love to spend
and i need you

now lets journey

Please know that i am fine now
I forget about your existence
Until i stumble upon a memory

I'm sorry for trying
We didn't have much time together
I took your kindness way too far
And confused us both with
My enthusiasm
Lack of self respect
And desperation

You were a new concept
I was the listening ear
But there was never a we
Only in my daydreams
Where we meet again
And you would actually miss me


Turns out I was wrong  

But again I am fine now
And you forgot me from day one
So i know you must be fine too

Remember the night the trees were in the stars
And we were in the trees
And the earth was warm
And no one could find a reason to cry

Remember when we heard the sweetest lullaby
And hid secrets in the bark
And found joy in each other

The buzz of night
Happy shadows
Good auras of light
And yet the comfort of wandering alone

Have you ever listened to a song
And in those few minutes
Known your true idenity
You feel the presence of yourself
And the lack of yourself
And everything that is you, inbetween
You are sewn to the earth
You are the moss
You are the trees
But you also dont belong here
You belong everywhere

Please find that song
And never replace it with anything less

as much as i try
i cannot plan euphoric moments

things that went unplanned:

light trails and dance dresses
uniqueness found in a flood of people
hope that goodbyes will linger on
palm trees in the palm of your hand
lake eyes and tan laughter
discovering we were running for no purpose
and reminiscing barefoot nights in the trees
coughing up regretful truth
waking up on the ashy grey carpet
yet still hunting for bears
smoke and animals and faint music
letting the boiler burn and not feeling any pain
adopting gourds and playing pretend
because that's everything we can do in this life
and now i hope to never plan again

for just a minute, close your eyes
think of where you are
in this universe
on this planet
in a country
probably sheltered

think of your current reality
what problems are you having
why are you troubled

now just think of all of the places you haven't been
all of the people you have never met
and all of the opportunities you could take

you have to have a purpose
you will find it
just allow yourself

i think my heart might be the moon
i feel how bright it shines
this ***** is rarely present
orbiting in space
circling the globe
rocky
weightless
shifting tones from orange to silver to yellow
feared and loved
waxing and waning over time
black when full of jealousy
crescent when i spot a glimmer of hope
full when experiencing pure bliss
and reborn every month
to go through the cycle again

button eyes
button nose
button lips
button girl, your soul, she kindly sips

little drink
brandy more
some is poured
let this girl slowly be your overlord

tie your tie
zip your slacks
comb your hair
a word from her, both will be in underwear

eyelash eye
stick of lip
sweetly curled
her lack of innocence, in front of you, unfurled

eyes of green
fade to red
"I want you now."
takes you all without a single holy vow

cleaning up
done whats done
kiss goodbye
she's already gone to find another oblivious guy

words are evidence
his friendship was betrayal
eyes on fire in ignorance
sarcasm in the cruelest form

what does she see in him
other than lack of anyone else
bright young girl with a sad smile
his rein on her mind is clear

our dislike of him shows no dislike of her
it shows our love for her
how she is one of earth's diamonds
with a ***** lump of coal

****** the ticking of the clock

the passage of time
cannot be in your mind
and if you let it unwind
tracing life down your spine
vertebrae harder to climb

leave me sublime

****** the ticking of the clock

foolish system made by man
as if we have a higher plan
stick to this foolish clan
stick to this foolish clan
condense time in a can

someone extend my lifespan

****** the ticking of the clock

universe in each eye
skeleton hung out to dry
watch this man's bones learn to fly
he inspired us to try
but now he can only goodbye

shame we all have to die

someone PLEASE ****** the ticking of the clock

familiar black confetti fills my mind
small men replace my brain
boasting their invitation to the Anger Party
their strobes brush the insides of my eyes
and make sure to unlock the chaotic thoughts
taking my words and holding my tongue
and painting my face as red as their devil's eyes
once they are done and cleaning up
this swirling vortex escapes through my tears
leaving me to my regrets
hungover, hoping never to see another party again

you are stripes of blue and yellow
the most comforting happy colors

you are shifting sandpaper hands
grains itching to hold melancholy melodies

you are thunderous shouts
contained in a small ribboned mason jar

you are moonlit walks
pondering the dark and hoping for the light

you are tangled tree limbs
supporting all invited to climb

you are i'm sorry and thank you and please
habits of manners hanging from your neck

you are heat
without the fear of a burn

Once you have had a taste a perfection nothing else can compare
I don’t know of a constant love
Its only going to keep getting colder
To control our emotions is the unachievable goal
The potential haunts me
Don’t allow yourself to be a timer

Thinking about the dead makes me feel so alive
The world filled with ashes
We return them to the ground
To be the dirt humanity uses
Every man plays his part in the end

Useful on earth

Useful in earth

i see them embrace
crying
heaving

but i can only thank the moon
for letting me witness this moment

only wanting to hear more
their advice is my will to live

but i can only thank my ears
for letting me hear their lectures

I smell the distinct smell
cold wet grass
and broken teenage hearts

i don't want to thank my nose
because this brings melancholy
but i thank it anyway
because all senses disturbed
build character, right?
  
I feel the warmth of youthful years
slowly freeze over
once these precious frozen memories melt
they evaporate into the present
never to be seen again

so i thank my eyes
for not letting me hold back the pain
i want the world to see
how much i feel
how much i notice
I am one big collage of emotions
now lets put it on display

he moves my mind
in contrasting circles
in all shapes and sizes
my thoughts twirls away
and together again

like the most pleasant way to drown
he drags me under the water
and the feel of his heart lets me know
these choppy waves are actually a best friend

we are all products of war
we learn to fire missiles
of flaming metal words
at anyone when we feel
empty

we never see the impact on the landing site
but we feel the bullet holes when they are fired back

I just want a peaceful exchange

but my generation lives for combat

There are several ways
to cross over to the other side

HUMANS
we spend our existence
disagreeing on what
the other side contains

~FACT~
we all have to go anyway

we all will find out

like an impatient kid
that demands
i want it now
we are too impatient
to wait and see

the universe's ultimate surprise