I am part of an existence comprised of life and death. I am part of an existence that I can’t wrap my head around. I am inside of a world no one wants to understand. I am using language as a tool to clear my head. I am living a life that could easily be a lie. But what really is a lie if each one of us will die. I am a recycled particle of everything that has been. This universe is a blender in God’s kitchen. Maps are dishonest. And I am honestly losing my mind.

Maybe the world is still Eden, but we assumed evil

in my garden
there's a feeling
of your fingers buried
beneath the snow

your hands as strong
diamond blades
but now we need to go

in my living room
the universe
leaks in through open windows

i try to dig you out of our suede couch
but the cushions fall too low

my old bedroom
hums a cleaning tune
of polka styled Sundays

you never understood
my floral sheets or any of my ways

in my driveway
bottle rockets lit
shooting past our skulls

you couldn't look at me
or anything that screamed romance at all

finally i see the bible green
craft woven through the fields

all i see is our lord savior
lighting cigarettes revealed

take my word for it
we're both worth it
in your hour of implosion
our time keeps going

midnight, the familiar smell of
strange boys trying to hold you
your mouth a cauldron of poison
touching all the things you don't want to

loosing yourself in dark skies
won't bring the stars any closer
old photographs fill your mind
how can he change that quick
i'm not so sure

older boys don't know the things
our silly schoolboys taught us
like how to hold your words in
to make other heads combust

regret will hold your hair
as you prepare to throw up flowers
from the dances you went to
in his green suit
now April Showers

I regret most of it
looking deeply into his eyes closed
next time you fall and scrape your knees
know that the pain may be predisposed

put down the drink
come lay with me
what can we build
our strategy

to use this pain
and smear the blood
across the sheets so tragically

(i wish that you were here with me)

to me you speak proverbs
and Hymns
and Hallelujahs

If God isn't real, i know there is still a deity in you
a broken deity
a light that lived many lives
a cackling joker
if you may

i cry and listen to simple songs
that remind me
you may have kissed the most beautiful face in the world
and then i cry more because
to have felt true love in this world
just makes you a sucker
and we both fell victim to euphoria

we both fell victim to big thoughts and small gestures
and big smiles hiding small lies
i like to believe nothing is little
but i am sad

i love that you remember calendar dates
because you only keep track of the things that you care about
but you can't put a date
on the day we both let these men deteriorate us

decay is gradual

i love that you value repetition
in clothes, routines, and words
but we lost ourselves in the Nights We Can't Remake
and we keep driving night highways in search of
the past pieces of our friend group

but they choose pride over fellowship
so they can chain the ones they want to marriage bands and empty vows

thank you for teaching me
that you can not try for brilliance
instead it gravitates toward you
through honesty and observation

you are the most interesting story my life will ever get the chance to read

Time heals all wounds, cuts, bruises, broken bones, organs (specifically hearts)

Time heals all of these with a force called love (tolerance)
Medicine (alcohol)
Prescriptions from your loved ones ("just get over it already")
Or
("Find someone else")

Time pushes decisions on you
Do we fight for the past?
Do we fight in regret's slow growing army?
Do we only go down fists clenched?
Or
Do we waste away?
Do I sit along the shore ( bedrooms, basements, classrooms, places I spend most time) and overlook my pretty little shells ( the best people in my life)
Waiting for the shell I threw back (you)
To wash up once again

After all there are so many shells in the sea
And so many shores

Writing hurts and it helps
It hurts to pull your brain through time machines to relive your life in slow motion
But it helps you find the truth about your sickening unconscious
With a full page
You can feel empty
For at least one second
Until burdening thoughts return
To run the track of twisted reality
Once again

i hope to speak to you again
but then what would i say

that your current relationship
makes me feel like an angel
buried alive and forgotten
that i drink
then i call
to hear your voice
but there is nothing to say
i am doomed to dead leaves and empty carousels
i am stuck on one song
the piano is tired of hearing it
and the folds in my throat are tired of singing it
Sundays call for routine
Samson sings my rampant mind to sleep
and David can play to please the Lord
but i will never please you
the way that her tiny hands and heart do
you were everywhere
including my lips
and time will heal all wounds
but instead you left a tattoo
that reads
i ****** up
i still get high from the memories of our eye contact
i know that we could have made it
if we had tried
but you're the balloon that flew away
into a greedy breeze
and you taught my childish heart
that all things are temporary

kind hearted man
why do you try so hard to be simple

i loved you for your innocence
but i know it's chosen ignorance
because if you think too hard
you might learn that everything you know is a lie

your God is the easiest road to travel
rather than tackle the real questions of the universe

you are stuck in your own head

i have dreams where i try to chisel you out
but instead my pecking backfires
and i'm the one left in pieces

you want to do whats easiest
so i'm left alone

sprinting through the dark fields of the world
on my birthday
chasing down nineteen candles without you

Is your best potential love always unrequited?

the language of love held in our eyes
words zoom by
our messages passing each other
on the other side of a divided highway

unnoticed

it's been 33 weeks since our last and first kiss
and i have dreams where all i can do is scream at your girlfriend
but its been 21 weeks since you told me to forget it
and this number counting has become an obsession

piano keys burn my hands
and every dark haired boy could be you
i wonder if its been long enough that you forget what i look like
did you know its been four years since you first made me blush

i clutch to loss like it's something i can fix
but love is a rusted piece of the titanic
93 years tucked in it's death bed
a tragedy so short-lived it's a spectacle

i'll always celebrate the night this love came to life and died
that morning sunrise was the first blow to the bow
you got in a lifeboat with no turning back
i chose to lie in bed until i drowned

your eyes cried love at the back of my head for years
and i ended up kissing your heels for attention
our anxiety ridden smiles match
i flirted through a funeral when you wore the color of lively cheeks and sun burnt toes
my mirror looks hold room for two
and when i wash my face
i look up hoping to see you
blazing purple like the subtle brilliant lights behind the milky way
that make it so wise
this story never had heroic start and will have a passive end
but in the meantime i can't bear to see your wedding day acted out in every silent moment that catches my calendar

how does it feel to own a body
comprised of missed opportunities?
i avoid you
only to find you settled
in my bed
with a bottle of whisky
morning breath and bed head
playing every song i've ever loved backwards
you project my memories of him
on the ceiling
in lamp light
with shadows
i am the left hand and he always will be the right
dear regret why do you only visit at night?
sometimes you hide in the stars
or a boy with the same shade of uncertainty in his skin
you smell like firewood, wet grass, and sin
you are a ghost
in my present
you are a soldier
of the past
you are my life
in rewind

he used to grow his hair wild like ivy and kept it for hiding all of the self imposed wounds on his skull from beating his head off of the wall

had he not learned a lesson from the first love at all?

how could he bloom in his house like a zoo ruled by Mosaic Jesus's and rosaries on a loop

he held his words prisoner like the bird in it's cage

his pond was full of beer and red white and blue couples photographs

maybe the red velvet dress she wore reminded him of theater seats
and her near black hair was the charcoal stage
and the scars from their love was the masking tape
trying to fix what was broken from the start

maybe he made a mistake trying to love her
but everyone deserves their fair attempt at being someone else
for a day or two years

feelings change but all I want is a sign for which we have only shared words that can be denied
since that night I imagine you over and over dipping your hand into the other woman's thigh

I keep using "you", that second person way of pointing your fingers through poems without bearing their name
how can I say I meant "don't" and not "do" when we talked of pity toward you what's the point if you can't feel the same

there's a rhythmic flow of emotions in the river that we should have jumped in soaking us to the core and skin
would we have found honesty in water tainted by poison and sin

I only hope I remind you of whiskey and green

two things you will continue to see without me

Will you remember the messy words I stained your shirt with or the cocky sunrise that awoke us all whether we liked it or not or the drug store candy that would dye our teeth every wrong color like a mood ring for all the feelings we must avoid

Do you like how much she hates your hair and makes you change so you can kiss her chalky makeup stained face that will never understand Bob Dylan or the moon because his voice is too gritty and it's too cold for the sky

I let his hands warm mine
I let his breath be unkind
I let his words haunt my mind

I want the past to be erased or last forever
this blistering cold and ****** up weather
do you tire of your winter clothes ever?

I remember all of the dreams you have been in
I remember the night of brush burned skin
I can remember but have I ever truly sinned?

drunk night upon drunk night

my question to the DJ is


How can I become music?

speak up
make eye contact
sing to yourself to clear the silence
only take the back roads in daylight
make sure to hide your complex humor
behind a veil of long hair and thick perfume and lipstick
always make sure to wear a palate to paint the day’s mood
take cautious lefts and firm rights
and make sure to wipe the dogs paws after her daily walk
act like you don’t care but you are interested
act like his hands still give you goosebumps
and always second guess that set of constellations you found in his eyes
and when your sing make sure to stay in tune
no one wants to hear an angel sing of tragedy
always know who to waste your sins on
this is how you lie awake
strangled by your own love handles
this is how you **** it all in
this is where you let it all out
this is when you pity laugh for their respect
this is how you keep it all inside
keep in mind the breeze can bring you to collapse

that ******* recorded voice when I cross the street
‘Walk sign is on to cross fifth, walk sign is on to cross fifth’
she has to remind me I might forget where I am at any particular time

that the human mind is fragile and the human heart is overworked

I like living in the city so I can see all the different life
and no one knows how much I care about them
as long as I am in the crowd
I will never be done exploring my own mind

close enough I can see the view
far enough away that I can’t be touched

you lie in bed as softly
as the fog caressing the street lights

outside the window is a dangerous world
but in this small white room
the night sounds are shifting springs and sighs

water drips from the pipes
cement floors radiate ice
your breath runs down my face in a hot rhythm
eyelashes and skin fall toward each other
and I have never been more warm

I can't get myself to move
as I watch you sleep

"I miss you"

these three words

I feel a sudden realization
of just how human we are

January- chilly sad and hungover
she distorts what she can get her hands on
but behind glazed over eyes, she laughs
she becomes frostbite
IN THE BATHROOM CARVING HOLIDAY DESIGNS

February- he tries to write you a song
but runs out of inspiration
he hides from the answers to his unasked questions
he learns not to dare the cold anymore
WHEN LOVE IS GONE, WHERE DOES IT GO

March- strong as a lion and as modest as a lamb,
she spends her time in the waiting room
WE MUST GET OLDER NOW (please) WAKE UP

April- watering the flowers with her tears
she knows her current misery will bring beauty one day
HOPE THAT SOMETHING PURE CAN LAST

May- our ray of light
smiling listening and unique
she is the sweetest thing we await
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FACE WE HAVE FOUND IN THIS PLACE (and be gone from me)

June-he's silent and observant
his presence feels like a dream
he drinks your beer
stomps out a song and peacefully sleeps on your kitchen floor
THIS IS THE ROOM ONE AFTERNOON I KNEW I COULD LOVE YOU

July- she is bloated and hot
with sticky watermelon lips
lost in a ridiculous obsession with love and books and hammocks
she drunkenly whispers her secrets to the woods
AS I RECALL OUR SHADOWS IN THE MOONLIGHT IN THE SUMMERTIME

August- she is warm loyal and reckless
you love her Sunday presence
but fear when she has to leave
she is meant for bigger things
PLEASE REMEMBER ME (happily, fondly, mistakenly)

September-  August's silent shadow
He loves her so
but can't find the courage to tell her
He never had a voice
He lives his life beautifully and tragically unannounced
HER LAUGHTER ECHOED THROUGH THE EMPTY STREETS

October- he is the perfect fall picnic
swinging from trees and supporting the year with his humor
he tells us the end is almost here and we shouldn't take life too seriously
he lights the flame and he couldn't be happier
I AM YOUNG AND I AM NAIVE TELL ME SOMETHING I WILL BELIEVE

November- a tall and gangly memory from a time before
looking for oblivious love to defend
at this point in the year
he deserves someone to call a family
he takes a nap and doesn't care to awaken
NOT MUCH HAIR LEFT ON HIS HEAD, ATE A SLICE OF WONDERBREAD (i loved you first)

December- ghosts float in bulbs and holiday punch
the empty buzz of the heater reminds us that we may never know true silence
RETURN TO SISTER WINTER (i apologize)

i miss the way you used to kiss my hands and cup my face like i was something new

i miss the way you wrote i love you on my spine with your thumb every time the silence settled

i miss your self taught rebellion

we used to stay up all night to question the world together.

you used to tilt your head, trying to solve me like a puzzle
and when you couldn't figure it out
you used to gather my pieces and love them anyway

i miss the car we first cried together in
i miss the first time we traced each other's skin
i miss sitting by the river and letting the breeze batter our sides
i miss the sing-your-heart-out car rides

i miss any radiation given off from the first year of "i love you's"

ultimately, i miss your interest in me

when you look at me now
your eyes are hollow

come back to me.

the words I speak festered in the back of my throat
the words you hear barely skimmed through my teeth
the things I say mean the world to me
the things you hear will never be significant enough

there is ***** in my blood
a storm in my mind
and unlimited regrets strangling my chest

I steal things now just for possessions to hold
to prove I still exist
because I know that these memories won't last

let me roll down the hill
let me run through the woods
let me live those nights over again in my head

someone please let me live without thinking of you constantly

you haunt me like a ghost held prisoner in my mind

our first night together
it was chilly for May
you had your first kiss with her
i was alone

our second night together
it was warm for December
my date couldn't make it
you found me crying in the living room
you asked if I was okay, grabbed a cold beer
and left me to be back in her embrace

our third night together
my date was trapped in his own trouble
i smoked for the first time and watched the pictures move
you gave up smoking for her affection

our fourth night together
my date finally made it
and she was on the other end of your long distance phone call
we sang and danced to all of our favorite songs
i slept in the attic storage
you slept on the kitchen floor

our fifth night together
you returned from your journeys
we drank *** and coke in a basement
i tried to impress you with my aspirations
to move to California and be happy
i tried to convince you i am strong and confident
i tried to convince myself you meant nothing to me

our sixth night together
we kissed by the river
and he found us there
you vomited your guilt out
and we agreed she never had to know

our first night apart
i sang my favorite song
but my voice withered at my favorite line

you couldn't bring the columns down because you never knew they were there

my first night i knew i was truly alone
i cried because of the old couple i saw in the park
and deleted my unanswered drunk texts

i am haunted by these minuscule memories that could never add up to the millions you have with her

i am sorry for ever interrupting you that first night

if everything stems from chaos
then what will we produce?

Everything is so small
Even you and I

You were all of my monumental firsts
And hopefully my endless lasts

You can tell how much you love someone by their hands and how well you hold them.

You can tell how much you love someone by the numbness in your brain and the tides in your chest.

You can tell how much you love someone when your favorite color is their eyes and your favorite place is their atmosphere.

You can tell how much you love someone by the conversations you hold when they aren't even there.

You can tell how much you love someone when their last touch stains your skin blue until the next.

Spots become sacred.
Your body becomes new again.
Love seems to make the rest of the world irrelevant.

But the danger of love is the loss of it.

Once love is gone, not only is the world irrelevant but it becomes cruel.
And this cruel world will eat you up until you find another source of love.

You need blue stains and hearts made of the ocean's tides to keep yourself sane.
You need their eyes and words to make you crazy again.

You need love.

There was a certain point
Of no return
When you were killed into art
And dreams were burned

I am still haunted by that night
In pieces at a time
I recited you a poem
But I forgot how to rhyme

I never knew that our lives would extend this far intertwined

Starting a sentence with "I" makes me squirm but starting it with "you" makes it worse.

The ground glitters under leaves
I found graffiti on the trees
You still like to talk to me and
I found shelter in a cave
No one to find me there ashamed
I know they walk into the light
To hide from the fear of night
And when the light turns off
There’s chaos

I hear planes, trains and cop cars
But no dog barks in the city
Anymore for fear of water scorn
And I will swing at my own risk
I regret that one last kiss
On the chilly night in plaid
On the hillside when we found lost keys in the trash

I miss last fall because there was a ball
In the woods in pajamas
I eat the bark you eat the paper
Melted candy corn foil wraps needles shorn
Fire pain blood black ink we’re together in the sinking ship
That is time and we lay on needle pine
Forest floor no real cares no one’s true concern of bears
Running wild chilly air
First drunk night when I shared
My real feelings toward you behind sheen of royal blue
But you alertly wiped me off like a drunken sickened cough
I was a disease you used to catch but now you found your match
I lost my dignity that night
On the ashy rug when you found your true love
You kept me there out of pity so I moved into the city
To start over but I can’t start anything at all
The pen is too heavy to lift
I can’t listen I can’t learn
I found I’m not concerned about anything but last fall

Are you a collection of borrowed jokes and songs and ideas?

Does hate only reach a heart by reflecting from the heart of another?

Will you visit me in the city with a handful of wildflowers?

Do truely beautiful things have to call for attention?

Do we drink as a way to erase time and ourselves?

Do you still believe in the big thoughts we found in the snow?

I have this yearning in my soul for somewhere else
A place where I only need my whispers and your lips
And we stay warm with our bodies
And we write music and cry

But above all we laugh

The world will shake from our laughter
And the oncoming trains

Sad songs and words make me feel safe

because


there is always an underlying tragedy to the happiest lyrics

but there is always hope in a song about tragedy


I would rather find hope than fill my face with a smile until the next time I cry

but all of the work you inspired has dissolved

I wasn't born to be the other woman

the desire of the forbidden
will always veil the definition of love
and last night that veil was as dark as the river
and your lips taste of both of our darkest fears

We are scared of the truth
We ****** up

My infidelity stems from all of the "what we could have been"s
I regret not trying to know you until now

There is something in the heat of the air between two past lovers

but now the air is chilly and it's going to be fall

The leaves will bask in their vibrant shades while I will try to hide my memories under their dead cold shells.

We ****** up
and everything happens for a reason



Now I can only wait.

We need to move
We need to start a fire
We need to get famous
We need to feel things before it's too late

She filled 18 years with

anxiety
hopeful looks
lipstick shades
wishes on the promising stars
and candles extinguished
observations
hiding from attention
making her first grade teacher cry
being a dog's best friend
and catching frogs in a butterfly net
trying so hard to give music a formula
and singing songs made for someone else
ignoring the gut she is supposed to go with
and letting decisions slip out of her possession
questioning companionship
and loving anyone who loves her
no exceptions
thinking pianos are pretty
even when not played
hiding secrets in the lump in her throat
trying to avoid conflict
and stir up something not so new
equality
knowing her mother wants a sailboat
and her dad wants peace of mind and maybe
an extra 'I love you' here and there
her sister will only love her most current reality
and she will never be home again
it's been six years since she called anywhere home

it's been 18 long years
of the torturous perfect life

she forgot to say thank you for so long now
and that still keeps her guilt alive
in the nights she lies awake

Sources of light getting smaller
All of our eyes are black in the dark
Forever it's strange to know
You're holding a person
with a motor heart

Just go look at the moon and breathe

This fire is awful
And I'm starting to chill
And I will never be satisfied
Unless I am safe

The coals are hot
And we will trust
And he would love her more
If she would have let him in

Damage is inevitable
And I want to be music
And they will never know
Until I explain

Every syllable is an added
hot coal to my throat

Words peel my insides apart
as if their vibrations
could travel a path of destruction

I contemplate humanity in my room
for days on end
but nothing is being changed

My sad realization is

I can't save anyone
unless they are willing


I am safe with people
I am scared of people

I hate people
I have never loved anything more than people

I want to change people
I want people to change me

this is a prayer for the works abandoned

the words never found
and the ones that still hide in my throat

the half written sentences
and the small thoughts buried in tiny caskets
because they died far too young

the potential "i love you's"
and skin touched in passing on a drink

the unfulfilled agendas
severed by fast approaching fate
and murdered by the rate of time

i am not a very religious person

but i continue to pray
for the homeless man
that made shelter under the bridge
and is spat on by the rain
for never striving toward a happy ending

the common concept of nostalgia
is seen as a summer's day

the carefree wind carries you
to and from your destinations
as you float through humidity
waiting for the warmth
of a human embrace
greeted by friendly smiles
that hang in the trees

but as the summer's twilight
hangs overhead
internal panic sets
and darkness begins to drown us
like a fast approaching wave

this morning was humid, mossy, and crowned with a peach color sky

it gave me hope

The words unsaid are infinite
The words i say are a summary
The words you hear are filtered
The words i hear are my downfall

the circus in town
is found in my head
they sell tickets to the show
when I lay in bed

as I walk in the tent
I find posters on the wall
for each act flaws displayed
some big and some small

first act up is named Guilt
but his show was no fun
laying his life on the line
as he held up a gun

Guilt is ushered away
Hope is wheeled on, you see
wounded in Jealousy's path
he used to walk differently

suddenly Jealousy storms
and ruins the show
burning down the big tent
because the things he won't know

but now the show's gone
and the feel's run about
the self deprecation act
is found inside out

these freaks of my mind
follow me 'round day to day
traveling circular paths
in my mind made of clay

We built a perfect harmony
In fields
Basements
Fire and soot

We found serenity in a song

And disturbance in the word goodbye

Freedoms found
in the same perimeter

Melodies roaring from the roof

We wont forget the words
to our anthems

And their lyrics will become
the foundation for my being

the world was just too overgrown when humanity found it

every detail of nature was inconvenient
every animal was enslaved
every continent needed a dominant empire

humans needed their mechanical Eden to skim by heaven
to prove we are wingless angels
and make their chemically induced clouds cry acid tears

shots fire at our brothers
trying to prove our dominant animal coats
and war paths are proven less prehistoric
with manufactured metal bullets

history was being made before the
concept of language was conceived
but language is wasting away
back into nonsense
because why express yourself with knowledge
when it is constantly accessible

social snakes slither around honesty
while the truthful hide their ankles with heavy wool socks
and after the constant strikes
the poison sinks in
and the relevancy to being honest is lost

numbers for the pure of heart and free spirited dwindle

and i am lucky enough to find the few left
holding the heavy burden of the question

Why?