Our thoughts
turn into words
and words are the shouts
that we never scream out loud

Entrenched in a red lotus, I find
a blue one, mysterious blooming  in my heart,
a white lotus eternal, rules my skies;
**golden lotus dissolves thoughts,
                                 gifts wings to transcend.

So simple, so easy was it to ignore all that galore
In the beginning such an easy task to complete
Knowing that every part of me resisted
In the beginning, those first few steps among the thousands of breaths
Were effortless to take, without a doubt you were easy to refuse
At some point though my steps started to amend
At some point I stopped ignoring
Because at some point, during the time between now and then
You took my breath away
Those steps became slower and harder to take
My breathing became shallow and started to change
Every bit of me wanted to resist, all the way from within
Swaying in opposite corners
Glancing all around, when you took my hand
Warmth flooded in, you let go and the slow rhythmic beating began
We danced in the middle of the room
We stood so close to each other but never touched
Like two puzzle pieces fighting against the other, twisting and turning
Never going in
Across the room we stared, people stirred and split
The dance was our sin
Looking into your eyes, I knew you were right
That this moment, this ceased part of time, beautifully enchanted for that memory of mine
The image of you there in that time, stored away, never to leave my incandescent mind
So with your eyes never leaving mine, I backed away into foreign yet familiar land
Knowing you would understand
But some part of me hoped that you would come after me
You would risk it all, no matter what
If there was a downfall or none of it worked out
You would come after me with all you had
But we were young and stupid
We were clueless about which way was up and down
Twisted and turned all around, exposed for all to see
That you and me were flawed, incapable of being
We refused in one small moment to be, to let go and live for us and us alone
So many dances came after that, so many partners to look at
Their eyes bright and glowing in the dim lighting
Their mouths formed words that could take someone’s breath away
Their bodies warm and inviting
The more we danced and swayed, the more time went by
Ticking away and I started to age in one hour, one second by minute of life
I grew old and tired, weary of all there was
That excitement no longer lived
One day in years after, I saw you again
It amazed me to see that you could still take my breath away
Still make me tremble and quake
We met in the middle of the room
You held out your hand, for a moment I paused
Wondering if this was real
I questioned, hesitated, you waited
You stood there looking at me with that same expression
I took your hand, warmth again seeped in
Closing my eyes, my body alive
Your breath mixed with mine
Forehead to forehead I opened my eyes
Yours bored into mine, took my breath away
My heart pounded in my ears, blood rushed through my veins
I wanted to resist, to pretend again
But with you pressed into me, with you all around me
I held onto you, closing my eyes
Allowing for time to stop, cease for you and me
We finally fit, come together, no one resisted
No one refused to twist and turn, but we connected
As people watched our sway
We remained in the middle of the room
The dance moved slow to the beating drums
To the pounding blood
That day, that moment stays with me
Seeing you and just being
My mind recreates the night
No longer tired and weary
That night presented me with a different life
A new memory

Do you remember when we were young?
And the world didn't seem so hard
There were these moments that felt free
Exhilarating
When the world was simple and innocent
But as we grew, I saw changes in you
That mind of yours filled with endless aspects
You believed you could fix anything
Even when we were kids—under the blistering sun
Or in the evening breeze
You had these dreams
Wrapped tight in your mind
Held close to your heart
I watched the way you gazed out
At all the landscape
The way your eyes caught the smallest movement
The littlest change
It amazed me to see you take in everything
Then you would write it all down
Figure out some way
To explain all the things that captured your mind and heart
Make known of the unknown
I was the one who wanted to play
At the end of the day
You were the one who wanted to stay in
Watch the leaves fly away
Hear the birds chirp and sing
See what made the world turn
What made you and me breathe
But there were a few times I stole you away
Took you to a place
That was real
Beyond your pen and pad
Beyond the mind engrossed with equations
Because you might have had all the answers
All the solutions to the problems
But I—I had a piece of freedom
You were always trying to figure something out
Explain how the world went round
Come up with new things, new theories to the lead the way
But I took you somewhere
Where thinking was living and breathing
Those moments under the stars
Wrapped in a cocoon of warmth
Your mind cleared
And I would see your eyes change colors
From this piercing blue
To a dull, enriched hazel
Watch your shoulders relax
And your hand would unclench
You might have tried to convince me
A thousand or million times
That work was your life
Where you felt most alive
Where the earth moved beneath you
But I knew
I knew when you felt most alive
When you were under those stars
Looking up and not figuring out all the ‘whys’
That this world here
Was the known
And the one we gazed at
The much bigger one
Was the nameless one you could not identify
An infinite world
Light years apart
But I remember being kids
When the world was simple and innocent
And we were young and careless
As the world then didn't seem so hard
And I remember when you and me felt free
When we belonged to the known
To the exhilarating

When I came to visit you
You were still writing in that notebook
And when you looked up
A hopeful gaze, a trusting embrace
I sat down beside you
It almost hurt to do so
We hadn't talked in so long
But you were always busy with your new theories
Always figuring something out
You continued to scribble on
As if I wasn't there
But then stopped abruptly
You twisted the pen this way and that
Before you pointed at my hand over and over again
I looked down at the band that encircled my finger
You should have known I would've moved on
I could see the questions swirling in that mind of yours
So I told you the story
We met my first year of college
He was Mr. Nice
The kind of guy who still had manners
Who opened the door for a woman
He was smart and sweet and there
He focused on what was important
It was our junior year when he asked me to marry him
I told him yes
I would marry him
I noticed at this point you went back to writing
You had tuned me out
I came all this way to visit you
And you couldn't stop writing for a minute
So I grabbed your pen and threw it somewhere far away
I grasped your arm and told you to listen to what I had to say
Your blues eyes stared wide-eyed into mine
I sighed, knowing you were upset
I would probably regret that
But I wanted you to listen
Because you never do
I told him yes
Do you not get that
I told him yes
Yes, yes, do you not understand
What that means?
You turned and looked at me with such anger
And for a moment I was glad
You felt something inside come alive
Something you couldn't quite explain
A formula that didn't exist in that pen and pad
Yeah, I understand perfectly
You said
No, you don’t
You looked away
And threw your pad to the side
As you drew your hands together, clenched and tight
I don’t know what you want me to get
To understand
You whispered
Trying to calm down
I said yes
—I get that
You said "yes" I understand
—No you don’t
I said yes, which means I gave up you
I gave up the opportunity to be with you
Because I loved you
And you never saw that
You never looked past that stupid pen and pad
So I said yes to someone who would
Who would love me in all aspects
Treat with me respect
I said yes to that
You reached over and grabbed my hand
I closed my eyes
Warmth flooded in
Tears were flowing down
And I didn't have the strength
To pull away
To leave
Because you still made me feel
Something I never can feel with him
So I open my eyes and whisper in the dawning light
Tell me you love me
Say you love me too
Because I know you do
You can’t explain it
And that kills you
Because you want so badly to
You don’t understand what's happening
How you’re feeling
There’s no formula
No equation, just your heart
Not your mind, so say it
I need to hear it
Please, tell me
*Say you love me too