Today

She wore shoes

She swore

She'd never wear

Again

& Laid *******

On the

Flower petals

For balance

To make sure they

Knew what they

Were doing

"You're wrong in all

The good ways"

She promised

Herself

& though her plight

Won't be as

Fancy

As yours

She'll wear the heels

To bear it

Enough will be

Enough

With common words

& petty foreplay

Perhaps she won't mind

The wind

No, she doesn't mind

The rain

If it falls in proper

Season

& doesn't smear

Her lipstick

She'll call it the

"Summer of Dreams"

& she'll leave it on

Your doorstep

For you to

Follow her on her

Way out of

Reason.

She lives on a cloud
Where some days
She cannot even be bothered
To breathe.
The warm sun
Embraces
& shies away
All hope of closed blinds
Drawn shades
& the subtlety of
Her silk endowed Sunday best.
She’d **** for a
Cigarette
But cigarettes ****
& her heart is in the
Business of life,
Brother
& she can no longer afford
To cough it out.
You forget how bright
The trees were that summer
Until they vanish for
Five months
& the sound of them
Singing
Becomes a foreign
Elegy
For every day you
Tried to remember exactly
The way he smiled
At you.

the streetlights
are blending in to
one another

I don't know where you are
or why you don't say
anything
at all
sometimes

& all I want to do
is whisper
to see if you'll notice

see if you'll see me
in the storm cloud
weathered by grace
& all things that fall from
the sky

I wanted to ask you

dawn forming its grip
upon my heavy brow
awake with another morning's
trembling and dire need
for coffee &
a shot of adrenaline

I remember you were there
standing in my sleep
falling halfway down the
spiral staircase in
my mother's house
you must have caught me
I woke up
& screamed in confusion



I wanted to ask if you
were in love

today I could
rest underneath my
grandfather's tree
for hours and hours and hours
but we no longer live there
& he no longer lives

I no longer enjoy the taste
of caramel coffee
& you're no longer afraid to
tell me how you feel
which frightens me
I daydreamed you up in my
kitchen
as I made the gross coffee
they were out of mocha
you offered to wash my dishes
'cause that's the gentleman you are
but then I remembered myself
& my stack of filthy plates

do you feel this sad
when you come back to reality?

I could sleep forever
just sleep
'cause all my dreaming
takes place
when my eyes are open

& I understand that you'll never
stand in my kitchen
though you're still alive
& not the one
sleeping in the ashes
we buried beneath the tree

I caught her digging
graves
one night
suspended by
the chill
& all that was
haunting

she never knew I
was there
& if I gave a rough
breath she became
lost in the
fog

I didn't know who
or what
she was trying
to bury
but she laughed the
whole time
& sang songs about
the sea

she kept
reminding herself
to never drink
beer
before liquor

we are
what we feed
& I am pure blooded
envy
for those fueled only
by life
& not smoke or
liquor

I fear for those that
I love
who are drowning in
80 proof gasoline
& tumultuous dreams
of heavy rock bottom heights
they believe the elevator
only rises
but I watch them descend
into the dark
with bitter grins
bleeding teeth
& broken bottles

they were so happy to see me
but I ran for my life
far, far
from that wicked trailer
I don't even think they noticed
I had gone
away

she was sickened by the fire
burrowed deep under your skin
you called her to the circus
& you begged her to come in

the calm before the storm
the sweat beneath her brow
the way she danced beneath the moon
& you never quite knew how

she graced the ground
you tore her dress
my god, my dear
it was so effortless

the reluctant grin of defeat
blushed lips and collarbone
the twisting and turning of exposed limbs
never left well enough alone

she feared the dawn
like an owl in flight
for when the sun met your eyes
you swore against the lustful night

so she left to dig
her shallow grave
& prayed never again
your soul could be saved

she dreamed your lips were
warm this time
with trust
& the blue of
summer's sky that
was never deep enough
for her concern


while he was beginning to
appreciate the idea of
stealing stars
she began spinning
& fell in the opposite
direction
to say that theft
was not her style


she didn't mind much
about letting it all be
broken
for she hated the word


her coffee was closer to
black today
because she secretly craved
the antithesis



when dreams were far more
fickle
than her gentle tongue

She sewed her
Heart
On his sleeve
Though he never was
Quite aware
& she never knew
How often he
Wore it
She doesn't count
Days
& he always misplaces
Things
While she misplaces
Thoughts
& tries to understand him
A little better.

sorry

I'm

s
       p
             l
                    i
                         t
                  t  
           i    
      n          
  g                  

& I don't know
what that
means

She drifts into something
Not so fulfilled with
Purpose
With the urge to
Disperse every word
That escapes from her
Lips like a
Whisper
As she stares
At the lightning clouds
Through mirror eyes
&
Imbalanced hope
Hurt by
Indiscretion
&
Ill-proposed compromise
You can have
Her heart
&
Break it, too
You could play
Off-tune
Just to catch
Her mood
But it kills when
You can't keep
Her warm
She has what you said
Were "beautiful words"
Wouldn't you know
They're all about
You?

She drove on the edge of
Cliffs
To ensure you didn't
Disappear
& there's a ghost on
Her heel
& a ghost on
Her bed
& neither of them serve
Drinks
But perhaps she missed
The flavor of
Nicotine
Embedded in her
Jacket
Oh, she says you're
Changing
You were always
Changing
& like a dream
There was always a ripe
Melody
& she'll always know
Sarcasm
Even when she never
Realized it had
Fallen
From her lips.

cunning and quiet
the room is shaking
& I've got no bread left
to take for the
breaking
I feel in my spine

I could have sworn you were mine

darling
my darkness is shed
upon your
bed
& the silence you
give
is the silence
I dread


I marveled upon you
one cold winter
night



& you left me with
nothing



but music
& plight

I stood in the door way as he put his coat on
he said
"let's go. I don't know what you're waiting on."

our son was babbling
so I playfully babbled with him
"don't repeat him. he knows how to say 'ah.' teach him real words."

he pulled the car in front of the store
I thought he was waiting for someone to cross the road
"GO. what are you ******* sitting there for?"

he drove past the turn
I remained silent
"thanks for reminding me to ******* turn there so we could go to the office"

I get back in the car with the slip
that says I owe 32 hours of community service
or we lose our tenancy
"I don't even know why you stopped going. all you do is sit around and do ******* nothing all day, instead of looking for a real job."



days like this are offering a lot less
than glitter and gold



I should have something brave
and hopeful to respond with

but I don't


this isn't a poem
this is the truth
but I won't do much else with it
than write about it
'cause the talking don't help
& it usually leaves me a
lot worse off

anyway

how was your day, honey?

I could give you all
my bread
& my spine to
break
but you still prefer
the familiar
taste
of a sour breath that
leaves not much for any
sustenance

& so do
I

now all my words
are running
dry
you leave me with only
images of the
moments
that will not ever
be
& I can only
put so much of it
to paper
without the desire
to weep

I've become uninspired

where are you
tasteful
muse
?

careful
the bull has not yet
been fed
& the bright red on
your bare skin
is making her thirsty

its the way you take
those long, deep
drags
the smoke halos
floating in the air
that make me believe that
forever is never farther
than the depths
of your lungs
& yours
could go on for years
I could live on your
breath
for years

but your tone
sets me off course
my compass shattered

eyes fixed at the
tear in my shirt
my hand fixed at
my throat

lay by me for
15 seconds
& I'll tell you
everything I know
about the
sharpened steel blade
of too much understanding

but its all I'll ever ask for





bend and break with me

there shouldn't be any
shame in it
we all get frustrated
stub our toes
scream at nothing

I scream a lot
but nobody hears
'cause I feel uncomfortable
when I'm loud so I'll wait
'til I'm in my car
alone

you take one step
in my half-open door
& I'm thrown into bewilderment
sneaking out through the
fire escape
before you can see who
really lives here

Cinderella story
only my feet had been bare
the entire time
& I'd left my glass heart
at the dance instead
& you could never figure out
who it belonged to

the only thing to do
with love
is to believe in it
but I live in this world
where so many things are
false
& you keep reminding me
of things that
aren't

drinking contests
midnight swimming
catching ourselves looking at
one another

that imaginary question
the screaming in my head






"Do you believe?"

oh, sink me underneath
your tired bones
& I'll rest until my wings
grow back
for I fear I'll never
fly in
these desert days
where the sun is higher
than I am
for what seems like
an eternity
& the moon is my
long-lost lover

honey, what
I want you to understand
is that I would sail
a billion stormy
death-laden waves
to get to where you sleep
at night
& for that kind of
thinking
I **** well deserve
the desert days
but I'll gladly take them




there's only so much land
before you reach the
sea

there are so many
horrid
ways for the
kind
loving
& innocent
to die



& all of which
I wonder
is




why
why
why

someone took a knife
to my neck
I think it might have
been me
dried blood on my hands
& I never noticed
until the red ran from the sink
the color cast into darkness
swimming down
to a new home in the earth


we ain't what we used to be
& the sun shines only
when we don't talk about it


someday I'd like to go to bed
knowing somebody's gonna kiss me
while I sleep
the unknown terrifies me the
most
& when I get scared I stand
completely still
refusing to move
or look
or listen



he caught me crying
I lied about what for
we all went back inside
& I slammed the screen door

we give each other
very little
aside from passing glances
& beer

the night wears on
& you creep in
your arms become a vise
I have no breath

god, the work you do with your
hands alone is purely
unprecedented
sometimes I wonder...

but you laugh
I laugh
& the other guy leaves
We lose conversation
& talk about
the uncomfortable things

when I got in my car
he asked how the make-out session went


"that won't happen"

maybe its just me

maybe I'm crazy
& mildly dyslexic

but I swear when I go to
read my favorites

I always think the
the top of the page says
"Least favorite activity"
instead of what it actually says

the drought has taken her
clever words
& scattered them in the
dust

there's no life out here
the winter kills
& the summer kills
leaving us
with warm, briefly pleasant
intermissions

wait for me by the shore







I gotta get the **** out of Dodge

heaven help me
from the terrorizing




t                                                                  
w                                                      
i                                        
s                            
t                                
i                                        
  n                                                
            g                                                                  



                                                      
t
          u                
r                
n                      
i              
n    
    g





TREMENDOUS





*labyrinth

Come to me
Gentle tyrant
Your lips orchestrate
Wars
Battling for the
Kiss
That never was

Come to me
Bright summer morning
Your colors are
Harsh
But I could afford to go
Blind
For some warmth

Come to me
Bottled poetry
Your taste can ignite
The fires of my perpetual
Fever
& set the whole-wide, aching world
Free

*but you always leave me wanting more

The words that reside
Behind your lips
Are what drive her
Into this
Convulsion of
Lust
She can't be
Saved
We all knew this
She begs for those
Instances that are as
Rare
As the sunlight
On a cold winter's
Day
Make me live in your
New idea of an
Embrace
I'll swim in it
Just to see what it
Feels like
When I don't dream about
You
Anymore.

the wind breathes
a balance
of lunacy and jubilance
& almost carries
my black hat
along
with it's grace


today I've learned
& earned more
love
& less desire to
save face





& you ought to see
this beautiful
place

in everyone’s eyes
& she wouldn’t have seen
“.A Difference.”
For that moment that
Seemed to stand
So still
As chilled winter air
Ripe with bated breath
& unmentioned absences
Its as if you never
Faded
When all the stars
Burned into the
Bottom of the ashtray
She called “long ago”
& so far away
Take all the cake you
Need to make it through
This treacherous
Month
& save all your clever
Remembrances
For tomorrow’s morning
Rush
Of blood to every aching
Fingertip she knows
Had every mortal desire
To stand there with her just a little
While longer.

I secretly ventured the
borders of
your own clever tongue
& found no boundaries there
but a thin wall of
stones
thrown carelessly and clearly
for decoration only

you still keep me
out
but baby
I want in
I could soak my legs
within your sin
& save the rest for
dessert

people "liked"
that I burnt my lunch





facebook is confusing

she will force herself
to wake with
the day


& contemplate why
she has always
obeyed


she wanted to drink
until she was
numb


but the heart can't push
what the devil don't
shove

She's been fixed on
The drastic fall
The magnificent ease
Of unraveling
To this anxious episode

They see it coming
But she swore to surprise
& if she can't turn heads
By God, she'll turn her own
& in a few years the world
Will wonder why
They never looked past
Their curtains
So brushed with
Uncertainty


But they never did put
The warrant out
For the stars in her eyes

I keep having
dreams
that you love me


*it *****

came here into
nothing
gave in with the
ghost
we live in silent
mornings
& white russians
with our toast

she peaks at night
a delicate dance born to her
dreaming
she twists her toes
improperly
but I love her when she's
scheming
so gently into my pulse's
heavy beating

god probably sold her those feet
on clearance
'cause heaven only knows
where she found such
cadence

a tiptoe into my
whisper
a beckoning for a
fire's stir
to her screams do I awaken
only to find
absence
& a fear left long
unshaken

give up the
ghost
the warmth in your toes
is hard to filter through
tears
& years
of the wrong dose
in this glass
that's ever too close
to **empty

no
enough of this

I could say that I would pin myself to the ground
through each of my toes

but that wouldn't draw you
'cause I wouldn't dare say it aloud

I could say that I don't give a ****
about anything you did to me

but that wouldn't push you
'cause you'd just feel sorry

so no

I won't speak words to your glimmering indifference
that's what got us into this ******* mess in the first place.

speak
for once
& I promise I won't
stay so silent

I miss our
philanthropic musings
& every time you forgot I had
your CDs

why do I keep
writing about you?
you never read
these ****
things

I'm gonna get caught
some day
& not be able to
explain myself

at first I thought
I should always be this
slightly drunk
so I might tell you
not only the truth
but everything else in between

tomorrow I'll wake up
& know it was a
stupid idea

someday I'll grow up
my friend
someday I'll stop
thinking of
you

I could say so much
right now

but I couldn't bear to
give you away



I love my family
& I know you love yours
too

why are we so star-crossed?
maybe we're not


maybe its just
me

clumsy fingers
sliding across piano keys

I haven't touched this
thing in nearly two years

so I spent all evenin'
teaching myself a sad song

frustrated with my
clumsy fingers

but relieved at my inability
to think of much else

for my thoughts need not be wanderin'
any place else but my songs

& I'll play them as loud as I can
for those who can't hear it

one last glimpse
from sunken moon eyes



& I'm dust

history of want
desire deep in her breath
"say you need me too"

learn to love & learn
to live, for this is the art
of how to forgive

"Let's go to bed."

"I'm not going to bed yet."

"What the ****, that was the whole reason I said let's smoke and go to bed."

"I'm not tired though."

[scoffs, leaves room] "You complain about being tired every ******* day."



of you, dear.

oh, fight or flight
my old familiar fiend
come you to taunt me or
have you come to
feed?

recall a year ago
when I fought so hard for
love?
& now I'm clenching fists
just to keep my head
above

I long for the haven I
may never be blessed with
again
thanks to this jaded heart
& the loss of dearest
friends

am I being punished?
am I being tried?
& here I thought the worst of it
was buried when he
died

"Gold Dust Woman"
comes on
I must remember me.

the worst to come
cannot be measured in
how it makes you
bleed

it can only be held
against the strength of
everything you've
managed to
survive

I suppose that's why I've
endeavored to somehow stay
alive


though this wretched year
has left me with
every will
& intention to
die


I am still
in some way
given the grace
to allow myself to
shine.

she was gone
she was gone
she was right
& I am wrong
for wanting to place myself
on an ice cold surface
without testing the waters first

I'm not home
I'm not home
so please don't
leave a message
just to prove to me that
things would never be
different anyway

should have listened
should have listened
to signs that said
she was indeed the one
forget the cause
it might be better, yeah
who knows

I sense it
I sense it
the autumn wind
& how I'd never speak
through it anyhow
'cause I'd just soak it in
for all the wrong reasons

here it was
here it was
the thought that
I'd risen above
& made myself into
something you could
hold but not hold up

take a sip
take a breath
make a deal
& prepare to face
your depth

we've been dancing on
the fault line for
weeks
the earth crackles
beneath my
toes
& all you've left to
give me
is nowhere else
to go


hell is the earth on
which we've chosen to
live
& all my worldly desires
you can't want
or care to
give

I used to wake up
& feel like my heart was
about to explode

I used to wear only
black

I try to recreate the
color of the sea
in all that I wear
yes
even my hair
I guess I just want to be
a little closer

I guess I just want the tide
to creep up to
my teal-painted toes

I guess I just want to feel loved

there's a tiny voice
scolding me

gotta learn to love yourself
first, girl

I take a deep breath
close black ash eyelids
its still not the same as when
you were there
even though you told me
to take care

I'll take care
if you take care

deal?




your eyes remind me of
water I've never
seen