my mother insists
that I'm the reincarnation
of her mother
Marilyn
who passed away
sometime in the
70s

she sounds incredible in
stories
so its hard for me to
believe
yet we both have opened
our hearts to
everyone
& we feel in all the best and
worst dreams

she worried herself to
death, I think
but the woman was
crazy
with a heart of
gold
& had love so passionate and
powerful
the gods themselves
would tremble
in its wake



I'd like to think I'm going
to find peace
with my bed of
insecurities


I've the body of a
Taurus
& like Marilyn I've
the spirit of a
Pisces


I'd like to think that
"star-crossed"
is a real
thing



& when you see those
darkening
clouds



that you will
think of
me

sometime
you might catch me
dreaming in the
day
that you whisper
into my
ear


I never know what
you'll say
but oh, darling
how I long
to
hear

I could give you all
my bread
& my spine to
break
but you still prefer
the familiar
taste
of a sour breath that
leaves not much for any
sustenance

& so do
I

now all my words
are running
dry
you leave me with only
images of the
moments
that will not ever
be
& I can only
put so much of it
to paper
without the desire
to weep

I've become uninspired

where are you
tasteful
muse
?

I sat back in the
chair
within the midst
of the thick Floridian
atmosphere
that clung to my
skin
& stole my breath
away

the woman at the
spa
cleverly eviscerated
my tension
I was told to breathe
& close my eyes
as she put the tiny cool
cloth pieces over
them

"think of the
beach
wind through your
hair
feet against the warm
sand...

...now think of who
you're with

husband, friend, family..."

& for a while I was
there
completely alone on
Cocoa Beach
staring at the vast ocean
someone walks up
behind me
but it isn't anyone she
said it would be

it was you

& the ****** clever woman
gave us one minute alone
on that sandy shore
while the sun was setting
I tried to think of
things for us to talk about
but nothing came to
imagination

we stood there hand
in hand
& watched the deep
dark horizon


I can't remember the last time
I had felt so
at peace




I presume it was the best
minute
I never truly
spent

you can't know
the trouble that rests within
my heart

all the blank sheets of
paper
that I fear to
fill
you cannot know


& yet I am still so inclined to show
the love I keep
buried in between the curtains


save me for a
rainy day

save me from the
hurricane


its coming



so don't pretend
you haven't seen my
plight



my love
we are setting sail
on this night




& we can't afford
to ever look
back



you know
& I very well know



what we mean
with our second glances
& your arm around
my neck


I could have kissed you
if I dared
but I never step a inch forth
in the wilderness
unprepared

you swallow
sunlight
& no matter how low
your expression
rests
I will always see you
shining
climbing the highest
pines
in our pitch black
hell forest
trying to find me in
the slip from
deep within your chest
& its fierce desire
for youth

I can hear it in
the way you
laugh
when we're alone

I can hear it in
my shallow breath
& the taste
of your cologne

the way you move
your hands
is next to godliness



& I would sell
my soul
sweet dear


to forever be their
witness

when I was not
in solitude
I was out setting fires
to any little
thing
that would burn

there was nothing much
to do
in that town

I drank alone quite often
in my last year of
high school
'cause sometimes the
taste of it was
sweeter
than the words you
would leave me
with

I felt cursed

like you came back
for the sole purpose of
punishing me
for finally forgetting about you
when you had been gone
two years

so I figured
"eye-for-an-eye"
& I took my ticket to
college
the blissful cleansing
of my memory

but life brought me
back home
three years later
& decided to give you
a job at the same store I go to
every week

my gypsy blood is becoming
adamant that this was
in the stars
but we are still so
far apart
from the days we
drank on the midnight streets
& talked about how lovely
music can be

but you are just
so far
from me
& when you're around
its the only thing
I'm imagining

4:17 AM
I prayed we would meet
again

in the hollow of lost
lonely souls
& the fortune tellers
that sell them happy tales
of
growing old

we deal down to
the bone at
night
but you best
believe
I never tried to peddle
my sense of
sight

'cause honey, you were
always there
when I needed you
the most


& I never dared to tell
a dying man
the truth
just to ever get
that close

there are so many
horrid
ways for the
kind
loving
& innocent
to die



& all of which
I wonder
is




why
why
why

the past
has long passed





& its all undone, baby

she dreamed of sweet
& beautiful
things
skipping across planets
kissing the
stars
as they passed her by


she drank herself
dizzy
from hollow asteroids
& stumbled into
the arms of a celestial
king


every so often when
her eyelids would
flutter
& she felt time move
ever so slowly
she'd realize the gist
& jest of it all
waking to find her hands
tied as she dangled
from the ceiling
***** feet scraping the floor


morphine dreaming


the genie appeared
not a smile in his gaze
but a sick
satisfaction
& asked her for the third and
final wish

"where am I?"
she whispered, vocally
& spiritually
drained

he pressed his
brittle lips
to her
trembling forehead
"sleep"
he said
as he drank the blood
from her bare
pale neck


& under she went
above to the
stars


home sweet home

every so often I must
disconnect
from nearly all communication
when I find that I am not only
unhappy with myself
but also filled to the brim with
resentment
of the happiness I see in
the ones I love
sometimes
no news
can be the best news


did you know in some
studies
solitary confinement
was found to ease the worst
cases of depression?


I'm just kidding
I made that up
I don't really know


but I'd rather be alone
than read another
word
of your perfect
picket fence
life

I have nothing to write about
when I'm angry
just many colorless words to
speak at anyone with
open ears
I ought to be banished
from anything with a "send" button
when I am this way

she said his shirt
matched his eyes
when we both caught up
with him
my dear friend was notorious
for speaking nervously around him
when we both knew it was
me harboring all the
anxiety
well, they both match the
color of the only decent pen I could
find in hopes of masking my
own indecency

I have loved so wrongly
in this world
& will continue to do so
until my limbs bend and break
in the gusts of my
wrongdoing

the way he stares at me
through pictures
is enough for me to carve out
my beating heart
& offer it to him on a
silver platter
garnished with my bones

& he will never know

'cause poetry is so forlorn in
conversation these days
& I was never any
good at talking small
so why talk
at all?

when I can stare
& cry over silly pictures
of a silly man
who knows not what the color
of blue
can do
to silly girls
like me

city in ruins
acid green night sky
flames in skyscraper windows
the flakes of ashes
filtering the staunch air
if you breathe in you can
taste the souls of the dearly
& painfully departed

I roamed the underground
silent subway system
in search of an easy ****
long black coat trailing my
fast-paced footfalls

dried blood smeared on a
restroom door
the smell no longer made
me sick
I throw it open
& step inside
the room reeked of
sweat and vile
death
the hair rose on my skin
as I faced the mirror
to greet my weary, shadowy-eyed
reflection

it was then that I saw the
pair of yellow eyes
watching me
& before either of us
could blink
I hurled my dagger at
the corner ceiling above the
empty stalls
spearing the small winged
demon
it fell to the floor in a heap
of rotting dust

there was no time for me
to react
when a figure burst through
the doorway
a dark-skinned girl with
long braids
who didn't catch my gaze
as she slammed her
purse on the filthy counter top
& began to apply her
makeup

"What are you doing here?"
I asked the young woman
stunned at her nonchalance
she never once stopped
moving the pink brush against
her skin

"Gotta go to work,"
she said briskly
as if the whole doomsday planet
was a waste of her
time

I had forgotten there were still
people living in
hell
who bothered to look
pretty



I said no more
& went on my
way

catch the falling
star
that was caught up
in your dreams
& promise to reveal the
living devil in your
screams
so I can lay with you
until the dawn
bleeds through your
silver curtains

I am not to trust my
own sun-kissed
skin
& you are not to
fall for what I led you to
give in
when all we have left
are the lonely
prospects
of empty bottles
& long, long records
playing for only
us to hear


remember that
I love you


remember what
I've seen


the blood beneath the
burrowed breath


& all we kept
serene

we are
what we feed
& I am pure blooded
envy
for those fueled only
by life
& not smoke or
liquor

I fear for those that
I love
who are drowning in
80 proof gasoline
& tumultuous dreams
of heavy rock bottom heights
they believe the elevator
only rises
but I watch them descend
into the dark
with bitter grins
bleeding teeth
& broken bottles

they were so happy to see me
but I ran for my life
far, far
from that wicked trailer
I don't even think they noticed
I had gone
away

I secretly ventured the
borders of
your own clever tongue
& found no boundaries there
but a thin wall of
stones
thrown carelessly and clearly
for decoration only

you still keep me
out
but baby
I want in
I could soak my legs
within your sin
& save the rest for
dessert

losing it again
& again
left with only
wanting
I roamed the aisles
no track of time
no sign of life

anticipation like sunrise
he lit up the horizon
& my heart rose
to greet
the boy in black
the subject of my eight year
melodrama
so dark today
but his smile just
like heaven
just like always
he had found me at
long last
how many weeks had
it been
since he graced
my weary
eyes?

"How are you doing?"
my knee-**** reaction
was to always tell him I'm well
but the way he stared
so quietly
told me I'd been caught


I correct myself
with a sigh
& a smile

"I'll be okay."

some days I want to
go home
some days I can't define
such a place
some days I wish to
call my mother
tell her how I was mistreated
this time
have her beg me to
come home

but her home is not mine
not anymore
not a safe haven for
me and my boy
too much trash and cigarettes and drinking
& I'm through depending
on others

yet the day in
day out
worthless
stupid
jobless
childish
*****
from the mouth of
the man that
I kiss
is stripping me
of sanity
& I have to lock the
liquor cabinet
to keep from going under




breathe


breathe again




it will all be
better
soon

where the **** is she?
how long does it take to get three things at the store?
finally, there she is.
thanks, now I'm going to be late for work!
& I don't even have time to eat now.
there was a long line?
sure there was.

sure, whatever I'll take a sandwich
uh, why are you trying to hand this to me?
I'm getting ready for work
where the **** is my shirt?
what do you mean you don't know?
you had to have moved it
its never where I put it
are you ******* kidding me?
why would you set the sandwich on the couch?
that's just stupid

did you see how much gas was left in the car?
WONDERFUL now I'm gonna be even more late
it doesn't matter if you were in a hurry, you could have checked

oh my shirt was by my chair where I left it
okay, so that was ONE thing you didn't do wrong today
& I'm still the one with a job!
you don't try hard enough to get one
tell me how you do
tell me





tell me

she wrote you down
a little note
& tied it to a little boat
sent it out to sea

the wind it
craves
the moon it
slaves
over the taste of
salt
in the deep



the magic lies
like the
sand in her
hair


but she can never
quite get it out
of her head






you were always so inviting

the summer disperses into
the asphalt
you disperse into my
conscience
& I cannot carry on


the sky was raw with
your pain
a pale blue and silent
agony
just before the dawn


the wind will shift in
your favor
& I'll waver in my
courage
to say you're wrong


the full moon seen in
the daylight
are all the words I ever
needed
to tell you of my song

oh oh oh
carnal instincts are beckoning
give it one last try
he saw you in the proper moonlight
he saw your hopes die

its drawing him in

I wonder if he knows
I wonder if he feels
deep blood drawn in the shallow end
throwing rocks at muddy water
the taste of his bare skin

curiosity crests just before
the dawn

& if you take the slightest peek
my dear
you can bet
he'll soon
be




gone

the morning wake-up call
from a horrifying dream sequence
the kind where you slowly sit up in silence
& stare at the wall
too shocked to make a sound

the nightmare was in itself normal
everyone was kind to me
but it felt untrue
they all had daggers hidden
deep in their palms
ready to strike at my slightest
faltering

I made my coffee and dove
into the online world
where he found me as a green dot
on the screen
sought me out and mentioned
that fate had once again not been
our mutual friend
& he had walked in my mother's
door just as I had left
the other day

the tears welled up
casting colorlessly behind my hair
I knew it too
I saw his car hiding in the back
but I kept on driving
I had to go




I had to go





now my hands are shaking
another outcome of
too much java
& not enough sustenance
he kept asking what was wrong
what was wrong
its all wrong, honey
& I'm two short tiptoes from
driving into
an open field
clutching unharvested crops
& screaming until my
lungs give
out




I should have stayed

she had dreams about the world
coming to an end
but she quickly forgot them
as she never cared for
final farewells




for the first time in years
she wasn't afraid to walk through
the damp and ***** earth
past the train tracks
for a taste of true beauty
if only you'd been there to see




she longs to sleep underneath the sky
she longs for stolen breath
that cleverly crafted first move
whether it be a look
a touch
a kiss
hell, even a word
to stop her lungs for just an instant




speak of all that's unforgiving
in this land
speak of your hands
upon her thighs
she'll promise to keep it
between you
the earth
& all the stars

tomorrow
it will have been ten years since
my late aunt's mental instability proved
to be the nail in her own coffin
her four youngest children were all taken away
in a police car
right before my very eyes
& right on John-John's birthday
we were all going out for ice cream
when the sheriff pulled up
I wonder if he still remembers it
the look of horror on my mother's face
we'd been caring for them for some time
my oldest cousin got to stay behind
he was old enough to fend for himself
but the two boys and the baby twin girls were gone like that


I didn't see them for five years
the heavens graced our family and kept them all together
through the help of a wonderful family nearby
one day they all drove down when I was 17
it was one of the happiest moments of my life
to see that those boys who were like my little brothers
were suddenly towering over me


though tomorrow I know will be rough
it feels rough today
& I can see that the boys feel it too
I often wonder what that **** woman was thinking
if it was just too much for her
if she couldn't deal
her body was found in the morning
the day before I graduated college
she was always taking pills
she always hated my guts
always screamed at me
she instilled within me the fear of life
but now she's gone
leaving behind broken children
loved, but damaged

interest piqued
breath fully swept
& a longing look to seal
the damages.
I took a long, hard drink
& watched the city swell and subside
I left everyone in my old world tonight

everyone except you

I filled myself with Samuel Adams
& the flavor of my newly altered daydreams
sailing the seven seas
with *** and songs and love
no longer ****** about the sand in my shoes

I'm too mad here, too bitter
I have to taste the summer air out where
your eyes shine the brightest
when no one is watching you but me
come sink under my covers
sink under my skin
where your words stop
is where my lips begin
breathe deep against your neck
& breathe in
I swear I could live forever
on your fingertips
all we have is only above the
surface of our flesh
& we are old and tired at our
tender ages


rest a while
for once



I'll wake you when its time
to run
for our lives

she was sickened by the fire
burrowed deep under your skin
you called her to the circus
& you begged her to come in

the calm before the storm
the sweat beneath her brow
the way she danced beneath the moon
& you never quite knew how

she graced the ground
you tore her dress
my god, my dear
it was so effortless

the reluctant grin of defeat
blushed lips and collarbone
the twisting and turning of exposed limbs
never left well enough alone

she feared the dawn
like an owl in flight
for when the sun met your eyes
you swore against the lustful night

so she left to dig
her shallow grave
& prayed never again
your soul could be saved

heaven help me
from the terrorizing




t                                                                  
w                                                      
i                                        
s                            
t                                
i                                        
  n                                                
            g                                                                  



                                                      
t
          u                
r                
n                      
i              
n    
    g





TREMENDOUS





*labyrinth

the shifting wind
gave way to a cooler night
but I laid in bed
sleepless
& sweating away
withdrawals from my self-proclaimed
ban on smoking

wide awake in silence
is the worst place to be
if you think like I do
every ache flooding in underneath
the door
the bleeding in my recollection
as if I'd gone so many years
in a cloud of amnesia
it all began to play back on
the silent film reel

the first time you heard me sing

the night I punched you and didn't know what for

when you invited me to meet your band

the tears that fell from your eyes and onto my doorstep

the tears from mine when you went back to her

your fingers in my hair when we were in class

the ***** shots we took on the sidewalk
& you said you loved my poetry

the second tear-stained doorstep
& you went back to her the next day

when you spent the night in my room
& we slept seven feet away from each other
because we were cursed with our loyalty to our lovers

the day she found out
& told you to stay away from me

the day you married her and I locked myself in my bathroom
with a bottle of wine and a handful of pills

my wedding day
you showed up alone and hugged me for too long
in front of God and my husband
my wedding night
when I apologized for punching you years ago
& you kissed my hair

new year's eve
when you invited me over 'cause she was gone
& you held me while we laughed at
Pulp Fiction




these are the things I can never tell you
these are the things that only matter to people like me
who tend to love far too much
in all the wrong places



in quiet dark rooms
while the whole world is asleep

someone took a knife
to my neck
I think it might have
been me
dried blood on my hands
& I never noticed
until the red ran from the sink
the color cast into darkness
swimming down
to a new home in the earth


we ain't what we used to be
& the sun shines only
when we don't talk about it


someday I'd like to go to bed
knowing somebody's gonna kiss me
while I sleep
the unknown terrifies me the
most
& when I get scared I stand
completely still
refusing to move
or look
or listen



he caught me crying
I lied about what for
we all went back inside
& I slammed the screen door

I put my hair up today
some things just have to change
whether I want them to or not

he blamed me for the belt again
shouting 'cause he lost it two days ago
& the only fault for its disappearance must be my own
the crazy thing is
I almost believe him
the feeling of guilt rising through my throat
an almost apology
but I choked and celebrated silently
when he finally left

just kidding
I closed the door
shouted "good ******* riddance"
made a cup of coffee
& put my hair up





some things just have to change
but I fear it

there shouldn't be any
shame in it
we all get frustrated
stub our toes
scream at nothing

I scream a lot
but nobody hears
'cause I feel uncomfortable
when I'm loud so I'll wait
'til I'm in my car
alone

you take one step
in my half-open door
& I'm thrown into bewilderment
sneaking out through the
fire escape
before you can see who
really lives here

Cinderella story
only my feet had been bare
the entire time
& I'd left my glass heart
at the dance instead
& you could never figure out
who it belonged to

the only thing to do
with love
is to believe in it
but I live in this world
where so many things are
false
& you keep reminding me
of things that
aren't

drinking contests
midnight swimming
catching ourselves looking at
one another

that imaginary question
the screaming in my head






"Do you believe?"

she woke up by the water one day
porcelain fingers
no feeling in her feet

she saw you on the other side
she could swear you were singing

you just kept dancing around in your
blanket of sunshine
she could never understand
why you kept it
so close

in a drunken stupor
you casually kissed her neck
the fragile borderline
between your world
& hers
wine spilling into
bread
now the ants will come
& steal the supper

the tide was flowing through her hair

she'll never lose you here



but she'll never keep you near

something startled the
fault line yesterday
a misalignment in the stars
she tried to find the volume in
your expression
but you are far too quiet
& its horrifying
tingling underneath her fingernails
intuition like haunting
& she still can't figure out
where you are

speak

speak here


I drift like the
tide
constantly
in and out of
awareness
out of life
out of mobility

you rise up over
the shore
a sunlit statue
at your charismatic helm

or so I thought
but you sailed right past


your face was so empty
I could not reach
you


& you never looked
never saw me watching you





its as if you already knew
you were on a
sinking ship

she dreamed your lips were
warm this time
with trust
& the blue of
summer's sky that
was never deep enough
for her concern


while he was beginning to
appreciate the idea of
stealing stars
she began spinning
& fell in the opposite
direction
to say that theft
was not her style


she didn't mind much
about letting it all be
broken
for she hated the word


her coffee was closer to
black today
because she secretly craved
the antithesis



when dreams were far more
fickle
than her gentle tongue

o' come and quell
the quiet storm
the aching in my veins

we're nothing short of
astronomy in this stellar space
& the more you give in
the sweeter you taste

blueberry smoothie
my bare legs soaking sunlight
& I wish for the power
of invisibility and the tender art of
seduction

you creep up on me
like midnight mist
& the confidence you give
echoes in the distance




I only run in fright
I only run in the night

one look at that girl
& you knew



she was gonna die young




if not by her hand
then by the forces
of her nature








she won't float forever
stop sewing sails
send her out in a boat
filled with
roses





& promise me
you won't go after
her

cherry colored heels
peeping from the corner
a raven-haired reaper woman
has become my writing desk
& I still haven't solved
the riddle of all her torture
all her second
glances
blush lips pleading
profiting
smiling through make-believe tears
& whispers on cold rainy
nights in our bed

what I wouldn't give
to live
under your rhythm
where you chill my skin
& bones
wrap me in a cocoon
of sheet music and piano strings

what I wouldn't give to
kiss a pretty girl at some point
in my life
just for the sheer hell of it

if it could be anyone?














Charlize Theron.

careful
the bull has not yet
been fed
& the bright red on
your bare skin
is making her thirsty

its the way you take
those long, deep
drags
the smoke halos
floating in the air
that make me believe that
forever is never farther
than the depths
of your lungs
& yours
could go on for years
I could live on your
breath
for years

but your tone
sets me off course
my compass shattered

eyes fixed at the
tear in my shirt
my hand fixed at
my throat

lay by me for
15 seconds
& I'll tell you
everything I know
about the
sharpened steel blade
of too much understanding

but its all I'll ever ask for





bend and break with me

the streetlights
are blending in to
one another

I don't know where you are
or why you don't say
anything
at all
sometimes

& all I want to do
is whisper
to see if you'll notice

see if you'll see me
in the storm cloud
weathered by grace
& all things that fall from
the sky

I wanted to ask you

dawn forming its grip
upon my heavy brow
awake with another morning's
trembling and dire need
for coffee &
a shot of adrenaline

I remember you were there
standing in my sleep
falling halfway down the
spiral staircase in
my mother's house
you must have caught me
I woke up
& screamed in confusion



I wanted to ask if you
were in love

if you stay in the
shallows
you can see her
beating heart
a siren
emerging from
imaginary depths

dirt on
your skin
she creeps right in
a weightless delicacy
midnight hair
starry-eyed goddess

breath on your neck like
a soft prayer

the smell of lilies



screaming in the distance



"all you dream of"




"at the bottom of the sea"


her hand on your chest
the way she sang so sweetly
into your shirt



you dive in a little deeper
& sleep with her
once more

one night I remember
laying on my balcony
staring at the stars

I was very sad
I usually am in retrospect

I had spent a whole day
maybe a few days
feeling like I felt absolutely
nothing
& let me tell you
I wouldn't wish that on
anyone
but after that letter
there was just nothing left
to feel for a little while
you know?

maybe you don't
hell, I don't even know
if I know
that was years ago
& I have a ****** long-term
memory

but I remember I kept that
letter for a couple years
got ****** and tore
it up one day
after I had stopped looking
at it for a good while
there are some things you just
don't need to see for a
forty-seventh
time


you can never get
too lost
if you don't have anywhere
left to go


anyway, I'm losing track
what I was going to talk about
was how ******* cold it was
the night I was laying on
my balcony
it was mid-September
& there was this light chill
to the air that was just enough to
shake your bones
& I laid there and I was
crying
but the stars were so
beautiful
& I was angry with myself
for not enjoying them
& loving the life
that was graced unto me


whenever I get there
cold cold balcony crying
I light a candle
& think of home
think of you
think of all the love
you got
that you're too coy
to share



whenever I get there
at least I know
I got you
too

11.16.07
friday
8:22 am

the invitation she feared came
in the mail yesterday
she knows now
he only sent it to try
& change her
mind

You are cordially invited to attend
the marriage of--

but she'll never tell him

"Its there if you change your mind."

she didn't bother
'cause around 6:30
that slip of paper
was on fire, dwindling to
ashes
on her balcony
carefully perched upon
her favorite bottle of wine

she'll send the RSVP back with
"will not attend"

empty water bottles everywhere
cheerios on the floor
I can never keep track of myself
or the food I bring out of the kitchen
I'm worse than a bachelor
& my Benadryl is almost gone

I need it to sleep
sleep and to dream
so maybe my nothing
will be something
that it seems

I cannot stop obsessing over
how lonely I feel
in my new married life
I feel better talking to people
I barely know
than I do my own husband
they say the first year
is the hardest

but I think I've just always felt
this way
when your heart clings to something
you can't have
the feeling never quite frays
never quite
erodes in its natural form

I find myself daydreaming about
things that don't happen
true love that doesn't come true
romance is not abundant in these parts
chivalry is carved on a tombstone
a few blocks from my
apartment
& I'm lucky to get a kiss on
the cheek whenever
I walk by



I want to believe that
there is some man out there
who would build me a bouquet of
wildflowers
& play me some classic rock
ballad about eternity
maybe he lives
in this house




maybe he lives
at all

once upon a time
I used to stay awake all night
reading
watching television
occupying myself with some
seemingly important task
only to find myself observing
the subtle changes
in the room

the walls would lighten from
black to dark blue
sparkling
only because Mom threw glitter paint
on it once they moved in
I would crawl out onto the balcony
& feel the cool morning breeze
summertime in Kansas can get wicked hot
but the mornings feel heavenly



it is so quiet


I feel like I'm the only one in the world
who's awake
but then a cattle truck will
drive by
& you can hear all the people
start to shuffle in their
beds
wakened by the slightest
inclement of impending chaos
that drives their will
to live
in this tiny, economically
forsaken town




I don't stay up all night anymore
it brings out the evil
in me

she'd been in ballet
since the age of three
a queen of the castle
she'd have you
believe

her eyes were cold
& grey
hair as dark as
the shadows under it
but her voice was soft
& sweet as honey
so I never believed the things
she would whisper
in her sinister
tone

her parents were murdered
when she was ten
she spent the rest of her days
fighting crime
as a suited-up *******
with a multi-million dollar arsenal
of weapons designed to bring
the evil of Gotham
to justice

no, I'm kidding
but her parents really were
murdered

she's always been this way
before that
always so serious
she couldn't stand it when I
grew my hair out
so she chopped hers off

we both knew who
was stronger
who was braver
I'd seen her in many a fight
& she never lost
I feared her


but there was something within me
that she feared too
& she swore to sever it
with any might she had
like I was her only weakness
skin and exposed bone
we were


she was everything I wanted to be

everything
& me

maybe its just me

maybe I'm crazy
& mildly dyslexic

but I swear when I go to
read my favorites

I always think the
the top of the page says
"Least favorite activity"
instead of what it actually says

today I could
rest underneath my
grandfather's tree
for hours and hours and hours
but we no longer live there
& he no longer lives

I no longer enjoy the taste
of caramel coffee
& you're no longer afraid to
tell me how you feel
which frightens me
I daydreamed you up in my
kitchen
as I made the gross coffee
they were out of mocha
you offered to wash my dishes
'cause that's the gentleman you are
but then I remembered myself
& my stack of filthy plates

do you feel this sad
when you come back to reality?

I could sleep forever
just sleep
'cause all my dreaming
takes place
when my eyes are open

& I understand that you'll never
stand in my kitchen
though you're still alive
& not the one
sleeping in the ashes
we buried beneath the tree

I like to tell stories
of other people
when I no longer feel
interesting

I like my men
with longer hair
& he loves his women
with shorter skirts

sit by the pool
cuddle your glass of scotch
until you feel bold
enough to slip right in

or take ***** shots with me
in the middle of the street
'cause there isn't anyone driving
for miles
in this small and quiet
town

he's a lot kinder to his liquor
I ignore mine for a time
then I come crawling back
crying
for just a sweet taste
of what its like to forget
who he was

oh, how I'd love to
go back
& drink his pain
red eyes at my eleven o' clock
doorstep
red eyes on the tile floor
by the pop machine
defeated
almost invisible

speak up, sweetheart
no one can understand you
when you think out loud

he never understood
how she could give her love
to another man
I never understood
why he forgot she ever
did that

they got married in a
not so distant fever
I reacquainted myself with
my shower rug
a giant bottle of wine
& a handful of pills

I fake gag when they kiss

God, I'm glad she don't
come around here
any more
but I always dread
seeing him at the door again
when I smile
& he doesn't smile back

you'd think I'd be over this
by now
but the cards never add up
& he always hits on me
when he's drunk

there's just something about the
way our stars aligned
our entire lives


we always meet in the middle
again
shaking hands and hugging
for too long