I could say so much
trapped in between the
silences
& all we ever brought to our
cluttered tables

you mislead me
& I falter on the fine print
I make up in my
love-lusted imperfected
daydreams
never citing my sources
'cause God knows there aren't any

just intuition, baby
& your carefully crafted hand
on my hip

you ever seen her dance?
she don't dance too well
but hell, she's got a lot of heart
& you can't ignore a woman
like that

even if she is just a girl
she loves to dream
once more living life as a
rebellious teen
though her grip was forever
clenched upon the fear
of consequence

just wait
one day she'll light up
& not give a ****
who's watching


if you're lucky
it might be
you

I used to wake up
& feel like my heart was
about to explode

I used to wear only
black

I try to recreate the
color of the sea
in all that I wear
yes
even my hair
I guess I just want to be
a little closer

I guess I just want the tide
to creep up to
my teal-painted toes

I guess I just want to feel loved

there's a tiny voice
scolding me

gotta learn to love yourself
first, girl

I take a deep breath
close black ash eyelids
its still not the same as when
you were there
even though you told me
to take care

I'll take care
if you take care

deal?




your eyes remind me of
water I've never
seen

I don't talk
you don't talk
we don't talk
they don't talk
he
she
it
doesn't talk


too much space to fill into
the gaps this evening
& I've too little
concern
for it
but I'm lying


I want your words
plastered on my front door
smeared in the blood from your hand
when you smashed the bottle
on the lock
to see if it would break


give me your word


you are too far
too unknown
& I can't reach past these
city limits

I'm too sober to make
any sense right
now


& you're not talking
nobody's talking




I thought I was the quiet one

calmly stationed on
a pale blue sheet
I had laid out on the lawn
he paws
& tears at the grass
with his chubby fingers, though
they're thinning out into
crafty toddler hands
& he won't leave the blanket

at fourteen months, I'm beginning to
consider that he may already be
playing make-believe
our bedspread is our boat
& the wild unkempt grass is
the raging sea

I don't mind it
my allergies are going to
skyrocket when they finally mow it
I'd rather bask in its
lush glory
freshly grown in from
a very mild winter
thick with scent and color
Davy is growing accustomed to
it as well
heels digging into the soft soil
throwing tiny flowers every which way
& laughing


that boy's gonna need a bath

take it by the blood
take it through the teeth
take it under chaos
under magic
underneath

you shine the brightest
when no one's watching

except for me
hidden in the trees

I gave myself away
one day
singing about your
light

you were angry for
a little while
but you laughed again
that night

empty pill bottles
broken bones
I'd found you on the
floor

"where are you love?
where are you love?"



still ain't got a clue
who you were looking for

she recalled of her life she
spent
living in the well
time spent counting
bricks
days past breathing
hell

she'll start to climb
every now and again
but she'll always
get caught
wrapped up in the
promises
& lies that she
bought

"lift me up"
she weakly cried
to the king
but he never dared
look down
upon the brittle useless
queen
& her burden-weighted
crown

the winter's past
the sun is
high
& the summer children
sing of all we've
known



I promise one
day
you'll make your mark
& never
dream alone

take a walk in her shoes


impromptu parties
& people you know that
just love you
'cause you're one of the few
that remember how to

a very close game of
beer pong
birthday boy mixing all
the liquor in the
nearly empty bottle of
Jager
but ****, was it
dangerously delicious

you fall in love with anyone
who gives you the
least bit of
attention and you feel
like a siren
trying to draw in
all the men
so very lost at
sea
if only for a friendly
chat

then its closing time
for your schedule
& the next day you enter
into the world of all you call
home sweet home
back at your mother's
all the people you ever loved
minus one
have come to grace you with
a good old-fashioned
get together

the girl who had your back
since grade school
gives you the great gift
of fresh ink on your shoulder
she worried about ******* it up
you worry about how much
that needle's gonna sting
but it doesn't

the men gather upstairs
& we sing classic songs
of drugs
& love and grunge
you almost made the boy
cry with your voice



these days are too few and far
between

come by again sometime
we miss you where you are
& you'll always miss feeling so
alive

she sits in a booth
far back in some corner

panther in the grass

it wouldn't matter
he could smell her perfume
from 40 miles away

& you don't forget her scent and
the way her hair looked like
black sails in the
western wind
soaked within the pale moonlight
of your last days
as a
human being

so how do you really decipher
who hunts who?
a riddle is a riddle is a
never-ending
tirade of unanswered questions
that they never dare
to ask

always watching, always wanting
the ****
& the thrill of it
all

so why does she walk blindly
into the den of wolves
full of loud music and heavy tension
& far, far too much whiskey
knowing full well
this night may be one of her
last?

she didn't seem to mind
when I asked

she smiled from her hospital bed





"oh, honey, he was well worth
the fight."

suffice it to say
I feel unseasonably
confined

tomorrow the sun
will rise
& the ships will
dance on the
ever-shifting horizon

but I will not see them

you will wake in
your world
& not have a single thought
of me

I am too far from the sea

& I wonder if it
bothers him
too
that I might one day
set sail on the wheels of
my '97 Ford Taurus
& never return

anchored upon land
is what I am



but the horizon
draws near




as you sleep in your world
& wake in my harbor




won't you please
think of me?

there are completely irrelevant
things in our lives
that we will remember until
the day we meet our
makers

her golden hair
in the South Carolina sunlight
the way that she smiled
that no still photograph could
ever replicate

we got married in a fever
it was a young and
wild summer
& I couldn't wait
to meet her
we were unlawfully
wedded
in the years
of our youth
& 'til death do us
part
is our god-given
truth

though miles apart
I could never imagine
being too far
from my dearest friend

the islands that call
bring us both
through our every
fall



for we know we'll reach the sea
in the very end

cunning and quiet
the room is shaking
& I've got no bread left
to take for the
breaking
I feel in my spine

I could have sworn you were mine

darling
my darkness is shed
upon your
bed
& the silence you
give
is the silence
I dread


I marveled upon you
one cold winter
night



& you left me with
nothing



but music
& plight

you underestimate
my adoration

if you were a criminal
I'd be your Bonnie
without question

are you a criminal?
I could see it through your
hands
but never your heart
you'd think they were oil
& water
the way you play

oh, can you play


but I'm singing out secrets
& you don't like a rat
you said "you're quiet like a
mouse
& you'll guide me through
this maze"
you were dizzy and drunk
& you touched me far too much
in the kindest ways, never obscene
it was far too much
& never quite enough



the dreams never end
& I wake up with
wanting

there are completely irrelevant
things in our lives
that we will remember until
the day we meet our
makers

his eyes blue
as a clear sky that you
never notice all day long
until you finally
look up

& you can't look away


there's just nothing else there
but blue





& the way that he's looking
at you

he said he writes
like Bukowski





he doesn't even *drink

contrary to popular
belief
we are the sun
& the moon
but our fates haven't
accepted us
in the finest of diners
& the stars
are shy with their
violins

come capture all I've
held in gold dollars
for you
& you alone

we would have made
the greatest outlaws
a red convertible as
our getaway car
& enough tequila to last us
'til August when the
war is in our
rearview mirror
& the sun is hot on
our tongues

I just hope you realize
that I miss you
when you ain't around

& I hope you start to see
things my lonesome
way
in pale blue scarves
& touch of kerosene for
the bonfire dreams that make up
all I dreamed of
for our never-ending
paths
that never cease
to cross

it just isn't Spring
until you see a
field engulfed in
flames
smoke shrouding the highway
fire lining the hills

once I was driving home
& I could swear I was headed
straight into Hell
with the red night sky
& an inferno on either side
of me and my car
sweet, sweet Lydia
but I'll be ****** if it
wasn't absolutely
beautiful

to me, Hell would be more
like a ghost town in
winter
nothing but fog
& cold

quiet
& rain

Heaven would be a
sunny day
at Woodstock in
1969

& I dare you to convince me
otherwise

he has a smile






that could make
Aphrodite's
knees tremble

contradict my colors
carry me with your cause
I'm building this house
on love, sir
& I bleed out
violent flaws

calm the wounded widow warrior
change the picture on
your page
I've burnt all I can of
the exterior
& they're booing me
off the stage

cherish only what you love
charity and all that grooves in the night
don't give one listen to what
you've heard of
about the man who lived
with his own
fright

speak
for once
& I promise I won't
stay so silent

I miss our
philanthropic musings
& every time you forgot I had
your CDs

why do I keep
writing about you?
you never read
these ****
things

I'm gonna get caught
some day
& not be able to
explain myself

at first I thought
I should always be this
slightly drunk
so I might tell you
not only the truth
but everything else in between

tomorrow I'll wake up
& know it was a
stupid idea

someday I'll grow up
my friend
someday I'll stop
thinking of
you

I could say so much
right now

but I couldn't bear to
give you away



I love my family
& I know you love yours
too

why are we so star-crossed?
maybe we're not


maybe its just
me

someday I swear to
swim in a cranberry bog






completely naked

I will drink a man
under the table







at an Irish pub

& I will prove that you
really do







**love me too

gold and gold
& glistening
prescription fire
for the blistering brain
to ashes
to dust
to fog he smiles behind
when I am asleep

leave this city

my dream-catchers stopped
working
& the sandman laughs at my
so-called nightmares
then steals my
covers
& puts me in a horrid
disposition

I am desperate for dance
but
I am fearful of chance

she's mostly in a mood for the blues
spring is springing
here in slow bunches
trees are budding
grass molding from pale
yellow to lush green
sun beating majestic warmth
along every pore

reminds her of the field
& everyone drinking
a stage set up in the middle
guitars louder than whispers
& drums replacing heartbeats

jello shots for everyone
& dancing just for the lady
'cause she thinks no one's watching

we all watch in the woods
but there's too many bugs out here
& she loves the taste of summer
so much she forgets
about the bite

sink the whole bottle
& sink our feet into the clay
sing a swamp song
sing for our sin and gin soaked souls



hope it lasts forever in the
never in my veins

my 30 gb iPod

the garter from my senior prom

a tiny golden cross that had
faith & hope
inscribed into it

the base to my son's car seat

& his monkey mirror

my husband's suit jacket

& seven years of my
life written into
various paper journals
with colored covers



these were all stolen in the
first car I ever owned

her name was Lydia
"She was the most glorious creature
under the sun."

that comes from a
Groucho Marx song if
you didn't know

my Papa used to sing it to
me all the time

anywho

she was a 2000 Dodge Neon
painted black

two stickers on the back
"COEXIST"
and
"SUPPORT THE ARTS
KISS A MUSICIAN"

I got her my first year
of college from
a man who's like a father
to me

we've been through many a
busted radiator hose
& flat tire

last summer my husband was on his way
to work when Lydia gave out on him
so he left her at the side of K-15 and MacArthur
in Wichita
& told the cops not to tow her away
'cause he'd be back for her

when he returned after his shift
she was gone
nowhere to be found
a vanishing act of pure mental hell
& unanswered questions
to this day



I miss her terribly.

when I realized
my birthday


falls on
friday
this year

unnatural senses
& a shot to the
brain


we all make mistakes here
take smaller doses of
that courage before it feasts
upon your flesh


forget your belongings
but don't forget your
place


someday you'll see
Jupiter
when you least expected
her


your head is resting on
the high chair
& when you can learn how to
reach it
she'll learn how to shine
a little brighter


but until then you can
go stand
in the corner,
mister

grit your teeth
& tie your garters
girls
we got him right where
we want him

just don't drink his
blood
don't laugh at his
jokes
& for God's sake

never catch him smiling

the blue-eyed babes all call
that man the devil
& he will drag us all straight
to Hell if we can't keep
our cool

keep lighting his
cigarettes

keep tasting his
bourbon tongue

your day will come
& your glorious goddess wings
will strip him down
to all the breath
he ever stole
from you

& you'll never let your
musician of choice
into your bed
again











for another week
or two

oh miss lovely lady


wasted before the clock

strikes one

Proverbs 31:6. "Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts."


I met you half dead in the desert ....
A drop of blood down the side of your head
Red lips and
dark haired killer
(whispered)
"Agua?" through the heat
Glimmering pistol handles
My canteen with a cross
Fresh filled at river
Cool and sweet

the last thing I remembered
was the taste of cherry
*****
& his daring death kiss
this ******* headache
kills
& I'll speak my own
broken spanish
to save the only life
I got left

Dust deals heat to the back of my throat
Sweat is thick on my forehead
You take the silver flask
As the hem of your dress lifts just enough
She was the devil
Like a lone roaming coyote looking for a meal
The silent circling vulture
The rattlesnake bite
The scorpion sting
She drinks as if she has been lost
A drop of sweat
Rolls down the back of my neck

I was terrified to say more
as if he already knew
I was lying somehow, some way
his eyes were that of a
cautious man
eyes you always trusted
even if they didn't
trust you
I could tell I was bleeding now
dizzy desert
sand on my tongue
sand in my head
& all these cautious eyes
around me

She seemed to sway
Like a **** in the wind
She was gonna need bandages
For the cut on her head
I had half a bottle of liquor
In the sadlebags
She's dressed in dust
Wiping her lips with her hand
Cherry lipped
Tense as a jackrabbit
Ready to run


Its funny how you can
shoot a man in the
knee
& he'll tell you all
his secrets
but those ****** eyes
were leaving me wildly merciful
& in a blur of blood and sweat and dirt
I gave him the gun tied to my thigh
& took the shirt tied to his waist
it was my new wig
or my new pillow in my desert bed
god, let me sleep forever
with this stranger who has my gun
how can you tell if you're in shock?
will the sky ring with magenta
in the prelude to my death
or will it be quiet as this strange, strange
stranger?

Her gun always seemed to get me into trouble

Since I have taken it by the handle

There's been a strange wind on the east

Nights I try to sleep

It calls up from the holster

Speaking in tongues of dead men

Souls I had to deliver


Nothing can compare though
To the nightmares of you
In which We stole away in wagons
Flaming arrow full
I saw her eyes
In my mind
Burnt
Like a fever dream
Full of liquor bottles
Full of bullets
Full of her thighs
I could not tear my eyes away
No matter how I tried
You pulled me deep
Into velvet seas
Of blue
and Green
The taste of gin
The taste of whiskey
Beautiful and sweet

paper and pen
haven't been very acquainted
in this home
of all the things
I'm trying to remember
& starving to
forget

I whisper all my unused
& ****** words
into the depths of my
bones
where they'll swim to
the surface
just as the harvest
begins
& the sun sings on my
bare skin
with the melody playing
in lightning clouds
& midnight skies

you're holding my patience
for ransom
& you don't even know it
you are one
carefully crafted glance
away from
mental incineration
if the mild winter lasts
much longer

we might break away with some of our teeth left

oh, sink me underneath
your tired bones
& I'll rest until my wings
grow back
for I fear I'll never
fly in
these desert days
where the sun is higher
than I am
for what seems like
an eternity
& the moon is my
long-lost lover

honey, what
I want you to understand
is that I would sail
a billion stormy
death-laden waves
to get to where you sleep
at night
& for that kind of
thinking
I **** well deserve
the desert days
but I'll gladly take them




there's only so much land
before you reach the
sea

one last glimpse
from sunken moon eyes



& I'm dust

I was going to write a poem
about a boy
& a girl
but I got quite *******
this evening
& I'm feeling quite proud
of my curls

I dashed away a bit of
***
& thought
I'd rather have tequila
he touched my
hips
& his tongue slipped
"well, I'd rather
be your
dealer"

then deal me down
& send me
to the sharks
for I've lost my taste
in winning
I'll lick your sweet
disdain
whenever the rain
comes so you'll
know


*its only the beginning

you live to chase
s
        t
               o
          r
     m
s





I live to chase                              
                                             y
                                                     o
                                                               u.

constrained and
deranged
he caught me in
a flame
of golden, righteous
perception

he paid me
twenty bucks
& I read his palms
like a sad, sad
story
while I sipped on
my wine

I could see his mouth
ever so clearly
with its own longing
to read my own
future
in the contours of my
wrists

so I told him he was
going to die
alone
& he still returned
the next week

when I told him he'd be hit
by a truck
he only laughed
& left me blue roses

the week after that
I had a cold
& refused to read
so he bought me a
bottle
& read the back of my
neck
& I was tired enough
to let him

he was prettier
than a summer storm

a FedEx truck ran over him
the next day

I held his roses until
my hands bled
& no one could ever
read me again

shame
shame on you, visceral decree
second sight's corrupted
now you're the same as me
crave
crave you 'til the very end
come love
& join the falter
a tribute to the dead

the cost is blood
sullied calamity
once a humble servant
twice as much
for greed

martyr
save your breath
& let's begin
I'll give the grace
to guard you
while I live under
your skin
bewitched as I
you have sealed me to
my grave
oh, our reckoning's
still coming through
in waves

oh, to want you
is all that I do

take it all under skin
& burn it all away

to want you
is my hell
too

just gonna have me

a

good old fashioned





heart attack

here she is
running on hard-boiled
fear
coupled with passive
adrenaline
bubbling underneath the
surface

they're playing the
final round
& he hasn't got a
clue
for the moment when she
very well should have
erupted
in a fit of fed up
pent up anguish
she kept quiet
as the dead
& began to plot
the great
escape

she put herself on
the high wire
with nothing but the
clothes on her back
a fifth of tequila at her hip
& a knife in her teeth

"we're gonna make it
out of this hell
one way
or
another"
she said as she was
more than 500 feet
from jagged
glass encrusted death
in a river of
uncertainty
& last minute decisions
that all seem to
revolve
around the full
acknowledgment of
the fact
that's he's a no good
two-timing
holier-than-thou ****



dear jesus



I hope it isn't windy
tomorrow

it feels like I'm

ten microwave seconds

from

spontaneous combustion

give me your
ghosts
& I'll fight the
fairest faces of the
earth
to prove you don't
belong where
you are

we only expose the very
barest
of our skin to the
things that know not
how to love

& he still turns away
disgusted
at the sight of a
tear

we continue to find our
little hope
in loveless places
& you continue
to puzzle me
with your peculiar
grace

we would have made
phenomenal outlaws
driving down the
desert highway
resistant to death
& calmly causing a mockery
of the
cracked and brittle bones
of the vast
decaying wilderness

yeah, we would have
if you'd only let me
use your gun
for the greater good

stay away from the computer
clean the apartment
remove toddler from dangerous objects
stay away from the computer
clean the apartment
**** myself
clean the apartment
stay away from the computer
remove toddler from dangerous objects
look for a job
before my husband throws me out
clean the apartment

rinse
repeat

he called her his
constellation
& set her up in
the sky
with care and precision

she fell anyway
in all those little bits
& pieces of stars
but it was far more
magnificent
than anyone could have
hoped for
in her demise

a piece of her landed
in my backyard
& when she cooled off
I picked her up

she was so lonely
& had been that way
for a time

"don't cry,"
I said with conviction.
"I can keep you
forever
if you'd like."

a smile crept upon
her lips
like sullied
enchantment

"oh honey,
I've seen forever

it is endless
endless
& annoying as
hell."

"yes, I'll have one
lobotomy
on the rocks


pretty please."

I stood in the door way as he put his coat on
he said
"let's go. I don't know what you're waiting on."

our son was babbling
so I playfully babbled with him
"don't repeat him. he knows how to say 'ah.' teach him real words."

he pulled the car in front of the store
I thought he was waiting for someone to cross the road
"GO. what are you ******* sitting there for?"

he drove past the turn
I remained silent
"thanks for reminding me to ******* turn there so we could go to the office"

I get back in the car with the slip
that says I owe 32 hours of community service
or we lose our tenancy
"I don't even know why you stopped going. all you do is sit around and do ******* nothing all day, instead of looking for a real job."



days like this are offering a lot less
than glitter and gold



I should have something brave
and hopeful to respond with

but I don't


this isn't a poem
this is the truth
but I won't do much else with it
than write about it
'cause the talking don't help
& it usually leaves me a
lot worse off

anyway

how was your day, honey?

one can never be
too careful
in open recollections of
what they see when
they are sleeping

we sat in one of the
middle pews
in a church I attended
as a child
you held my hand
& kissed my hair

then we were on
my couch
while my fingers traced
the back of your neck
bare
& so forgiving

real or not real?

could have sworn you looked
happy

but they say everyone in
your dreams
is only a reflection of
yourself

which is very clear
to me
when I wake up and you're
not around

it makes me feel
obsessed
pathetic
mad
vicious
& weird with want
a criminal
laden with a seven year
desire

& the days spent
thereafter
are anxious and very
low

they really ought to
medicate me
too much truth for my
tongue to be telling
maybe soon I'll start calling
you by your
name

just bad days turning
into worse here
just cold metal sinking
into bone
we are what we speak
& he's a *******
monster
& I am petty
moody
indifference
fluttering in and out
of concern
for our
verbally battered mentality

we had a lovely dinner
last night

asiago and roasted garlic tortellini
a glass of merlot

it won't matter if you say you
don't mean it next time
I'll already be





*gone

people "liked"
that I burnt my lunch





facebook is confusing

she was the
cold
cold
queen of the
warm
wild west

sunset hair in
heavy waves
acted as its own personal
masquerade ball
shading the town from her
sincere
countenance

oh, but she could drink even
the sturdiest men
under the table
though even
the sturdiest men
would rather have her
on top of them

rumor had it that she
kissed a boy
by the name of Billy Dorchester
with a pistol
in place of her saint-like
lips

you'd think with the way
she dances on those
tables
high above all the
greedy
& amorous folk
you could catch a glimpse
of the gun at her
thigh
but I ain't seen it once

I think all these
****** people
know how to do around here
is lie

she could burn this place
to the ground
& not do any harm

we all just got some
sort of fever

for the evil ones

clumsy fingers
sliding across piano keys

I haven't touched this
thing in nearly two years

so I spent all evenin'
teaching myself a sad song

frustrated with my
clumsy fingers

but relieved at my inability
to think of much else

for my thoughts need not be wanderin'
any place else but my songs

& I'll play them as loud as I can
for those who can't hear it