I have nothing to write about
when I'm angry
just many colorless words to
speak at anyone with
open ears
I ought to be banished
from anything with a "send" button
when I am this way

she said his shirt
matched his eyes
when we both caught up
with him
my dear friend was notorious
for speaking nervously around him
when we both knew it was
me harboring all the
anxiety
well, they both match the
color of the only decent pen I could
find in hopes of masking my
own indecency

I have loved so wrongly
in this world
& will continue to do so
until my limbs bend and break
in the gusts of my
wrongdoing

the way he stares at me
through pictures
is enough for me to carve out
my beating heart
& offer it to him on a
silver platter
garnished with my bones

& he will never know

'cause poetry is so forlorn in
conversation these days
& I was never any
good at talking small
so why talk
at all?

when I can stare
& cry over silly pictures
of a silly man
who knows not what the color
of blue
can do
to silly girls
like me

city in ruins
acid green night sky
flames in skyscraper windows
the flakes of ashes
filtering the staunch air
if you breathe in you can
taste the souls of the dearly
& painfully departed

I roamed the underground
silent subway system
in search of an easy ****
long black coat trailing my
fast-paced footfalls

dried blood smeared on a
restroom door
the smell no longer made
me sick
I throw it open
& step inside
the room reeked of
sweat and vile
death
the hair rose on my skin
as I faced the mirror
to greet my weary, shadowy-eyed
reflection

it was then that I saw the
pair of yellow eyes
watching me
& before either of us
could blink
I hurled my dagger at
the corner ceiling above the
empty stalls
spearing the small winged
demon
it fell to the floor in a heap
of rotting dust

there was no time for me
to react
when a figure burst through
the doorway
a dark-skinned girl with
long braids
who didn't catch my gaze
as she slammed her
purse on the filthy counter top
& began to apply her
makeup

"What are you doing here?"
I asked the young woman
stunned at her nonchalance
she never once stopped
moving the pink brush against
her skin

"Gotta go to work,"
she said briskly
as if the whole doomsday planet
was a waste of her
time

I had forgotten there were still
people living in
hell
who bothered to look
pretty



I said no more
& went on my
way

catch the falling
star
that was caught up
in your dreams
& promise to reveal the
living devil in your
screams
so I can lay with you
until the dawn
bleeds through your
silver curtains

I am not to trust my
own sun-kissed
skin
& you are not to
fall for what I led you to
give in
when all we have left
are the lonely
prospects
of empty bottles
& long, long records
playing for only
us to hear


remember that
I love you


remember what
I've seen


the blood beneath the
burrowed breath


& all we kept
serene

we are
what we feed
& I am pure blooded
envy
for those fueled only
by life
& not smoke or
liquor

I fear for those that
I love
who are drowning in
80 proof gasoline
& tumultuous dreams
of heavy rock bottom heights
they believe the elevator
only rises
but I watch them descend
into the dark
with bitter grins
bleeding teeth
& broken bottles

they were so happy to see me
but I ran for my life
far, far
from that wicked trailer
I don't even think they noticed
I had gone
away

I secretly ventured the
borders of
your own clever tongue
& found no boundaries there
but a thin wall of
stones
thrown carelessly and clearly
for decoration only

you still keep me
out
but baby
I want in
I could soak my legs
within your sin
& save the rest for
dessert

losing it again
& again
left with only
wanting
I roamed the aisles
no track of time
no sign of life

anticipation like sunrise
he lit up the horizon
& my heart rose
to greet
the boy in black
the subject of my eight year
melodrama
so dark today
but his smile just
like heaven
just like always
he had found me at
long last
how many weeks had
it been
since he graced
my weary
eyes?

"How are you doing?"
my knee-**** reaction
was to always tell him I'm well
but the way he stared
so quietly
told me I'd been caught


I correct myself
with a sigh
& a smile

"I'll be okay."

some days I want to
go home
some days I can't define
such a place
some days I wish to
call my mother
tell her how I was mistreated
this time
have her beg me to
come home

but her home is not mine
not anymore
not a safe haven for
me and my boy
too much trash and cigarettes and drinking
& I'm through depending
on others

yet the day in
day out
worthless
stupid
jobless
childish
*****
from the mouth of
the man that
I kiss
is stripping me
of sanity
& I have to lock the
liquor cabinet
to keep from going under




breathe


breathe again




it will all be
better
soon