the streetlights
are blending in to
one another

I don't know where you are
or why you don't say
anything
at all
sometimes

& all I want to do
is whisper
to see if you'll notice

see if you'll see me
in the storm cloud
weathered by grace
& all things that fall from
the sky

I wanted to ask you

dawn forming its grip
upon my heavy brow
awake with another morning's
trembling and dire need
for coffee &
a shot of adrenaline

I remember you were there
standing in my sleep
falling halfway down the
spiral staircase in
my mother's house
you must have caught me
I woke up
& screamed in confusion



I wanted to ask if you
were in love

if you stay in the
shallows
you can see her
beating heart
a siren
emerging from
imaginary depths

dirt on
your skin
she creeps right in
a weightless delicacy
midnight hair
starry-eyed goddess

breath on your neck like
a soft prayer

the smell of lilies



screaming in the distance



"all you dream of"




"at the bottom of the sea"


her hand on your chest
the way she sang so sweetly
into your shirt



you dive in a little deeper
& sleep with her
once more

one night I remember
laying on my balcony
staring at the stars

I was very sad
I usually am in retrospect

I had spent a whole day
maybe a few days
feeling like I felt absolutely
nothing
& let me tell you
I wouldn't wish that on
anyone
but after that letter
there was just nothing left
to feel for a little while
you know?

maybe you don't
hell, I don't even know
if I know
that was years ago
& I have a ****** long-term
memory

but I remember I kept that
letter for a couple years
got ****** and tore
it up one day
after I had stopped looking
at it for a good while
there are some things you just
don't need to see for a
forty-seventh
time


you can never get
too lost
if you don't have anywhere
left to go


anyway, I'm losing track
what I was going to talk about
was how ******* cold it was
the night I was laying on
my balcony
it was mid-September
& there was this light chill
to the air that was just enough to
shake your bones
& I laid there and I was
crying
but the stars were so
beautiful
& I was angry with myself
for not enjoying them
& loving the life
that was graced unto me


whenever I get there
cold cold balcony crying
I light a candle
& think of home
think of you
think of all the love
you got
that you're too coy
to share



whenever I get there
at least I know
I got you
too

11.16.07
friday
8:22 am

the invitation she feared came
in the mail yesterday
she knows now
he only sent it to try
& change her
mind

You are cordially invited to attend
the marriage of--

but she'll never tell him

"Its there if you change your mind."

she didn't bother
'cause around 6:30
that slip of paper
was on fire, dwindling to
ashes
on her balcony
carefully perched upon
her favorite bottle of wine

she'll send the RSVP back with
"will not attend"

empty water bottles everywhere
cheerios on the floor
I can never keep track of myself
or the food I bring out of the kitchen
I'm worse than a bachelor
& my Benadryl is almost gone

I need it to sleep
sleep and to dream
so maybe my nothing
will be something
that it seems

I cannot stop obsessing over
how lonely I feel
in my new married life
I feel better talking to people
I barely know
than I do my own husband
they say the first year
is the hardest

but I think I've just always felt
this way
when your heart clings to something
you can't have
the feeling never quite frays
never quite
erodes in its natural form

I find myself daydreaming about
things that don't happen
true love that doesn't come true
romance is not abundant in these parts
chivalry is carved on a tombstone
a few blocks from my
apartment
& I'm lucky to get a kiss on
the cheek whenever
I walk by



I want to believe that
there is some man out there
who would build me a bouquet of
wildflowers
& play me some classic rock
ballad about eternity
maybe he lives
in this house




maybe he lives
at all

once upon a time
I used to stay awake all night
reading
watching television
occupying myself with some
seemingly important task
only to find myself observing
the subtle changes
in the room

the walls would lighten from
black to dark blue
sparkling
only because Mom threw glitter paint
on it once they moved in
I would crawl out onto the balcony
& feel the cool morning breeze
summertime in Kansas can get wicked hot
but the mornings feel heavenly



it is so quiet


I feel like I'm the only one in the world
who's awake
but then a cattle truck will
drive by
& you can hear all the people
start to shuffle in their
beds
wakened by the slightest
inclement of impending chaos
that drives their will
to live
in this tiny, economically
forsaken town




I don't stay up all night anymore
it brings out the evil
in me

she'd been in ballet
since the age of three
a queen of the castle
she'd have you
believe

her eyes were cold
& grey
hair as dark as
the shadows under it
but her voice was soft
& sweet as honey
so I never believed the things
she would whisper
in her sinister
tone

her parents were murdered
when she was ten
she spent the rest of her days
fighting crime
as a suited-up *******
with a multi-million dollar arsenal
of weapons designed to bring
the evil of Gotham
to justice

no, I'm kidding
but her parents really were
murdered

she's always been this way
before that
always so serious
she couldn't stand it when I
grew my hair out
so she chopped hers off

we both knew who
was stronger
who was braver
I'd seen her in many a fight
& she never lost
I feared her


but there was something within me
that she feared too
& she swore to sever it
with any might she had
like I was her only weakness
skin and exposed bone
we were


she was everything I wanted to be

everything
& me