maybe its just me

maybe I'm crazy
& mildly dyslexic

but I swear when I go to
read my favorites

I always think the
the top of the page says
"Least favorite activity"
instead of what it actually says

today I could
rest underneath my
grandfather's tree
for hours and hours and hours
but we no longer live there
& he no longer lives

I no longer enjoy the taste
of caramel coffee
& you're no longer afraid to
tell me how you feel
which frightens me
I daydreamed you up in my
kitchen
as I made the gross coffee
they were out of mocha
you offered to wash my dishes
'cause that's the gentleman you are
but then I remembered myself
& my stack of filthy plates

do you feel this sad
when you come back to reality?

I could sleep forever
just sleep
'cause all my dreaming
takes place
when my eyes are open

& I understand that you'll never
stand in my kitchen
though you're still alive
& not the one
sleeping in the ashes
we buried beneath the tree

I like to tell stories
of other people
when I no longer feel
interesting

I like my men
with longer hair
& he loves his women
with shorter skirts

sit by the pool
cuddle your glass of scotch
until you feel bold
enough to slip right in

or take ***** shots with me
in the middle of the street
'cause there isn't anyone driving
for miles
in this small and quiet
town

he's a lot kinder to his liquor
I ignore mine for a time
then I come crawling back
crying
for just a sweet taste
of what its like to forget
who he was

oh, how I'd love to
go back
& drink his pain
red eyes at my eleven o' clock
doorstep
red eyes on the tile floor
by the pop machine
defeated
almost invisible

speak up, sweetheart
no one can understand you
when you think out loud

he never understood
how she could give her love
to another man
I never understood
why he forgot she ever
did that

they got married in a
not so distant fever
I reacquainted myself with
my shower rug
a giant bottle of wine
& a handful of pills

I fake gag when they kiss

God, I'm glad she don't
come around here
any more
but I always dread
seeing him at the door again
when I smile
& he doesn't smile back

you'd think I'd be over this
by now
but the cards never add up
& he always hits on me
when he's drunk

there's just something about the
way our stars aligned
our entire lives


we always meet in the middle
again
shaking hands and hugging
for too long

I could say so much
trapped in between the
silences
& all we ever brought to our
cluttered tables

you mislead me
& I falter on the fine print
I make up in my
love-lusted imperfected
daydreams
never citing my sources
'cause God knows there aren't any

just intuition, baby
& your carefully crafted hand
on my hip

you ever seen her dance?
she don't dance too well
but hell, she's got a lot of heart
& you can't ignore a woman
like that

even if she is just a girl
she loves to dream
once more living life as a
rebellious teen
though her grip was forever
clenched upon the fear
of consequence

just wait
one day she'll light up
& not give a ****
who's watching


if you're lucky
it might be
you

I used to wake up
& feel like my heart was
about to explode

I used to wear only
black

I try to recreate the
color of the sea
in all that I wear
yes
even my hair
I guess I just want to be
a little closer

I guess I just want the tide
to creep up to
my teal-painted toes

I guess I just want to feel loved

there's a tiny voice
scolding me

gotta learn to love yourself
first, girl

I take a deep breath
close black ash eyelids
its still not the same as when
you were there
even though you told me
to take care

I'll take care
if you take care

deal?




your eyes remind me of
water I've never
seen

I don't talk
you don't talk
we don't talk
they don't talk
he
she
it
doesn't talk


too much space to fill into
the gaps this evening
& I've too little
concern
for it
but I'm lying


I want your words
plastered on my front door
smeared in the blood from your hand
when you smashed the bottle
on the lock
to see if it would break


give me your word


you are too far
too unknown
& I can't reach past these
city limits

I'm too sober to make
any sense right
now


& you're not talking
nobody's talking




I thought I was the quiet one

calmly stationed on
a pale blue sheet
I had laid out on the lawn
he paws
& tears at the grass
with his chubby fingers, though
they're thinning out into
crafty toddler hands
& he won't leave the blanket

at fourteen months, I'm beginning to
consider that he may already be
playing make-believe
our bedspread is our boat
& the wild unkempt grass is
the raging sea

I don't mind it
my allergies are going to
skyrocket when they finally mow it
I'd rather bask in its
lush glory
freshly grown in from
a very mild winter
thick with scent and color
Davy is growing accustomed to
it as well
heels digging into the soft soil
throwing tiny flowers every which way
& laughing


that boy's gonna need a bath