I can't even be mad at you.
I keep writing down what I want to say to you
and then deleting it all
as if it will help me delete the
anger and sadness and heartbreak and remorse and loneliness
but it doesn't
and after all my words are erased
the whole you left in me when you walked away is still here
and you still aren't.

One of these days,
I swear
you'll text me
and
I won't reply.

I've been wanting to text you.
I want to tell you that I miss you.
You texted me
but all we said was hey.
I want to tell you about everything
the way I used to
I want to tell you that
all I've written about is you
and all I've listened to is
your favorite song
by your favorite band
and that I can't eat
because for the first time in months
my stomach is empty of butterflies
and I can't sleep
without you saying goodnight.
But I won't tell you
because you don't care.
So I'll text you back
and make small talk
and I hope you know that it's killing me.

I miss you.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
The three hardest things to say
Describe everything I feel.
I know you don't like that girl you're hooking up with.
And she can't possibly love you,
not like I do.
But I hope you go to her house
and you kiss her like you mean it
and she kisses you back
and I hope you feel how wrong it is.
I really hope you think it's wrong
And I'll be drunk
or high
and definitely alone.
I thought I was the one leaving you.
Was I really just setting you free?

I never thought leaving you would make me feel so alone.
I thought I would be fine without you (I'm not).
There are a million things I can/should be doing.
It all seems pointless without you.
I tried to keep busy, carry on with my life,
but that hurt too much.
So I'm trying not to do much of anything (it still hurts).
The sad part is
you would take me back.
At least,
I think you would.
But how can I tell you how wrong I was?
Would you understand my intentions?
After you see what a mess I've become,
could you still see me as you once did?
I don't think so.
So I'll be alone with my writing
and sad music,
and you'll move on
and be happy
and listen to rad music
and eventually,
you'll leave me (what's left of me).

I keep thinking missing you will get easier.
It doesn't.
If I could give up flowers and all beautiful things
to get you back,
I would do it in a heartbeat.
That is,
if my heart would start beating again.
Until my blunder,
my veins were rivers
and my heart was the ocean,
vast,
thriving,
gently beating with the pull of the tide.
So I thought I was okay,
And I filled the ocean with sand
and cut off the rivers
and all I can do is make sad metaphors
for the pain I feel.
I'm sorry.

my physics book says
since atoms are mostly empty space
nothing can ever really touch
contact is just empty space
upon more empty space
if this is the case
i do not know what it is like to
hold your hand
run my fingers through your vibrant hair
or feel your lips caress mine in a moment of passion
but how can this be true
when i can feel the way
you have
changed my thoughts
healed my mind
and resuscitated my heart
how can they say
my life has not been touched?
even so,
i long for the gap between our atoms to close
for your laughter and kindness and gentle kisses
to fill the crevices of my atoms.
i want to find a way to fill your atoms, too
maybe then
our perfect love will defy physics
and we will collide.