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I don't know who I am right now
no smiles or frowns
just an emotionless wreck
can anyone tell me who the hell I am
because I'm out of answers
no light inside
just shadows to hide the demons
no magic left
no hate or love
just empty feelings in my heart
no mind left
for you to find
I lost it in a bet
nothing left inside my soul
but then again
I traded that for a puppy
with what dreams
I still hold onto
I could find some hope
to put the meaning
back into the hollow shell
I have become.
 Jan 2014 Jessica Rae
AJ
Long Over a Decade
It's days like this where I listen to sad songs about fathers abandoning their children and kneel on the big chair by the window, and look outside like I'm seven years old.
I didn't like seven years old.
I hated the first day of it.
I cried all of April twenty-forth that year.
I knelt on the big chair by the front window and felt the wind that I could see the trees felt.
The swayed and shimmered as if they could hear the music too.
Why didn't I sway and shimmer when the wind hit me?
I only got cold and determined.
Seven was the last time I thought that thought until now.
It took me long over a decade to answer that question.
I wish it was something lyrical, majestic, and deep.
It's not.
It's just science.
Sometimes science is sadder than fathers abandoning their children.
My heart beats like metal drums
Get it myself cant rely on anyone
Punk attitude full of rebellion
Give it my all even if its not enough
Grew up tough no need for tough love
Rise above the struggle escape be free
Drive fast into the future
dont look back race towards better
Not slowing down for the past
Live in the moment seek opportunities
Better than the rest never settle for less
Stay calm focused write your story
Dont let someone else's sad story set you back
 Jan 2014 Jessica Rae
Redshift
ask anyone i know:
i have a tendency to forget things.

i forgot moose's middle name
my password
what day i have to go to the dentist
what i did yesterday
if i ate this morning
what year i stopped talking to ryan
the words to my favorite moldy peaches song
the name of a childhood friend
the book that i was supposed to return
the movie i was supposed to bring
the cookies i was supposed to bake
the smile i was supposed to smile
the words i was supposed to say

but this is only lately.
i used to remember everything

i thought my tactic of not thinking about the bad things
made the bad things not real

but it only makes me
forgetful
 Sep 2013 Jessica Rae
Redshift
you say
let me use your shower
i say
ok
you say
watch my baby so i can hang out with my boyfriend
i say
ok
you say
i'm hungry
i say
i'll make you something to eat
you say
i need someone to talk to
i say
ok
you say
i need somewhere to stay
i say
ok
you say
just hold him for a minute
i say
ok
you say
watch him while i do this
i say
ok
you say
i love you
you're my bestfriend
i say
ok
you say
help
i say
ok
i say
help me my hair is falling out sometimes i can't breathe i think i'm going crazy i'm cutting my arms open mom won't talk to me i don't sleep doctors say i need
to learn how to be calm
you say
i'm busy today
I'd never tell you
that
I love the way you
hold me
(but I do).

I'd never tell you
that
your lips are imprinted
on mine.
(but they are).

I'd never tell you
that
when we lie in my bed
cuddled up
and the lazy sun rays caress
us
I try to match my
breathing with yours
(but I do).

I'd never tell you
that
I simply love
the way you absentmindedly
caress my arm
or leg
or shoulder
(but I do).

I'd never tell you
that
I love feeling
you heartbeat
because it's beautiful
to me
(but I do).

I'd never tell you
that
I sometimes wake up
at three in the morning
and need you
(but I do).

All I tell you
is
my messed up thoughts
and how broken I am
(and that you fixed me).

I'd never tell you
that
I love you
(but I do).
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