I still remember the day I met you
Like it was yesterday
You sat down at the same table as me
And I was too shy to have anything to say
But as time grew,  so did our friendship
Just 7 year old girls
Taking in the sweet smell of innocence
Then in between
There was some miscommunication
And a friendship was lost
Out of feelings that were mistaken
But a sleepover acted as fate
And gave us a second chance
I'll never forget the time you were too shy
And I made you dance
We ate pizza on the floor and
You were the first one to go to sleep
You snored during the movie and
That will always be a cherished memory
Fast forward 2 short months and
My childhood was gone
I'll never understand it
But God wanted you Home
When you're 10 years old
You think the sleepovers
Will last a lifetime
But those moments are only segments
That we overlook until hindsight
Now your memory lies in a picture of you
In a memorial frame
To me,  
You'll always be the girl
Who made me too shy
To have anything to say

She frightens me
Her desire for me is haunting
She's controlling and manipulative
She forces me to grant her
Most sickening wishes
I try to resist, but she pulls me back
Refuses to leave until she has me at last
It's scary how she can over power me
She's 5'1 and 110 pounds of fury
She loves seeing me suffer
She laughs at my pain
She ties me up and won't let go until
She's gotten everything she can gain
She's a *** demon
Fired up and ready to go
And I'm held hostage
Forever fearing the dangerous unknown

You see her tears behind
The mask she wears
You take pride in
Taking what happiness she has left
Your core is so empty
No soul for you
To have any feeling
You attack her with words
That suffocate her self esteem
You hear the 2 am breakdowns
For ***** sake, she's only thirteen
You see the scars
The ones she thinks she
Covers up with fake smiles
What will be your plea
When you're ultimately put on trial
Your malevolent ways will come to an end
And when this is all over
Not even the devil himself
Will be there as a friend

Intoxicate me
Mesmerize me
Pull me in
Turn me inside out
Make me feel alive
Take my breath away
Kiss me til I'm drunk and
Too numb to speak
Hypnotize my body and
Make it all yours
Every inch of it for you
Take your time and explore

2 AM
Sound asleep
My sister beside me
With eyes so sweet
Suddenly
An odd smell
Woke me from my dreams
I pause as I take in
The disastrous scene
Flames all around
Surrounding every exit
I yelled for my mom
Who sounded every bit of desperate
My sister was still unaware of
The danger we were in
If this was the end
I did want her to see it
A few minutes of panicking went by
We were still trapped in the ring of fire
I struggled to find a way out
As the flames grew higher
Suddenly everything went black
And a light flashed before my eyes
There I stood over my body
And that's when I realized
This was no accident
It was a pre-planned tragedy
Our beautiful home was set on fire
By our own mommy and daddy

I'd marry you right now
If you asked me to
I'd share the most intimate part of me
In this moment here with you
Your name is the word I want to say
With my last breath
Your love performed a miracle
And saved my soul from death
You shine in the way
I wish I could
You'll leave behind
The most beautiful legacy
Of a man who lived life
For the ultimate good
Of all the stars you love to look at
You outshine the brightest one
You give off the most picturesque glow
Even greater than the sun
I'd marry you right now
If you asked me to
I've never been more happy
Than in this moment here with you

I see your face in the
Shadows of my memory
The moment you decided
You'd rather run away than face your fears
I bet that gun
Gave you the comfort you needed
Just enough push to send you over the edge
To actually pull the trigger
3...2...1...
Your life shot away with one bullet
You just couldn't wait long enough
To see if you would make it through it
The tragedy that is my life
Began the day
And I'll keep living this tragedy
Drinking your memory away

To think I almost let my guard down
Lucky for you
That's one less poem
You'll have to hear about

I have to say
I truly underestimated you
I thought you would bring light rain
And then drift out to sea
But you brought so much more
How naive of me
Things were fine before you
I had my own room
My privacy
My life
And then came October 8th
And you washed away everything that was right
We lost everything
Treasures I had since I was a kid
One month later
I still don't know where my **** diploma is
I miss the peace
I miss my bed
I miss the stuffed animals that I couldn't save
Because they were too ******* wet
I am not home anymore
I lived in that house since I was 3
And those memories got washed away
Along with everything else dear to me
At times, I feel helpless
Consumed by my fears
What am I to say
While comforting my mom while she is in tears
My dogs don't know what's going on
They just know that things are not okay
All I can do is hold them
Because they don't understand
You took my childhood home
You took sanity
You stole every Saturday night when
We would watch ghost stories as a family
You took hearing the dogs bark
When dad got home from me
I am now terrified of the rain because
You took all sense of normality
I now sleep in an unfamiliar bed
No ghost stories on Saturday night
No barking dogs at the sound of dad's truck
All this quiet just doesn't feel right
I miss the sound of the channel 11 news
After mom got home
The same story playing over and over again
I'd give anything to be stuck in that routine
All those things used to seem so insignificant
I miss them more than anything
I guess I have you to thank
For making me appreciate the small things...

So it's been 8 years
And we're still going strong
I never get enough of you
Just like a Taylor Swift song
We've been doing this
For quite a while
A love like ours
Just never goes out of style
Like when you pick me up for a date
And put the car in drive
You blast Paramore
And dance to Hard Times
You take my hand
And make me join in
We both act silly
Not caring caring who's watching
I love when I stare at you
And you start to blush
You try your best not to look at me
Because you're in a loss for words
It never gets old
Sitting in the car
And we stare at each other
While waiting for the movie to start
I'll never get tired
Of how excited you get
When you open my door
And make sure I'm all the way in
And I can't help but laugh
Every time you get upset
When I open the door myself
But you wanted to be a gentleman
It never gets old
Having a regular conversation
And you randomly compliment me
It's such a beautiful transition
Everything about us
Is absolutely magical
There's no one else
With who I could be more compatible
You breathe life into me
And give everyday new meaning
Who knew reality could be better
Than the fairytales I was dreaming

I went out for a walk
The other day
9 in the morning
The breeze in the heat felt like grace
Def Leopard in my ears
My mind a million miles away
When I saw a woman
Walking my way
She was taking out the trash and
Something burned in me
This short fragile woman
Shouldn't be out in this hot degree
I said "maam, I can take that for you"
And she offered to pay me
That proposition blew my mind
I laughed and said that's not necessary
She told me about her husband and
How it's been 4 months since he's passed
I said "I'm sorry to hear that"
She said "livin alone's been pretty bad"
She talked about how
He never raised his voice, not even a bit
Every morning before he left for work
He brought her breakfast in bed
They'd been married for 43 years
20 years her elder
She said she wouldn't find a man
Who could treat her any better
In that 30 minute talk
I felt like I lived her life with her
It's amazing the impact people can have
If only we would reach out to help another

When he raises his voice
He calls on all demons
When he stomps his feet
The fires of hell surround him
His dreadful silence
Is when I'm afraid of him the most
His stinging touch burns my soul
And turns it to smoke
He blames it on a "disorder"
I say he's satan in disguise
Plotting his next scheme
Seducing us with lies
You've got everyone
Under you spell for now but
Don't get too comfortable
On your throne of deceit
Because when you finally meet your maker
They'll all know the truth and
Cheer at your defeat

My shame is exposed
For the world to see
No point in hiding my scars
They're forever painted on me
It's the only thing
They know me for
This pain I carry
Is my punishment for starting this war
They say I'm a harlot
Maybe I am
Forgive me for I have sinned
Or penalize me since I'm already ******
I find myself isolated
From the rest of the world
My only joy in life
Is my beautiful daughter Pearl
So I walk the city
With my shame tattooed upon me
Represented by the letter "A"
For everyone to see

September 10, 2010
I'm seventeen years old and
Haven't seen my dad since 1996
He has a long history
Of broken promises and false hope
Never one to own up to his mistakes
Forever sliding down the same
Undignified *****
I know he's my father
But he'll always be a liar first
Promising he can heal this relationship
That's far too cursed
Convincing himself that money
Can buy my forgiveness
If he ever told me he loved me
That would be a story for the press
Michael Hill,
You missed your chance
To make up for the past
What a shame
It could have been different
If only you had asked

I sit alone in my room as
My body gradually grows numb
I feel every sensation start to fade away
I take note of the little things around me
Because I feel like it's all about to end
There's just no use
There's just no hope
No matter how many stupid pills I take
It will never be enough
I can make all the
Doctor appointments in the world
You can give me all the medication
You think will make me healthy
But the truth is I'll always be anemic
And that will always be a part of me
So I'll close my eyes
And feel my soul drift away
I've run out of fight
And battling this is just a waste

Ain't enough whiskey in the world
To get you off my mind
Ain't a harder drug  than a love
That was never really mine

****

I really thought you were mine
Nevermind...

Today I found out
That my friend's 1 year old passed away
While he was taking his last breaths
I was complaining about my work day
And I thought to myself
What the **** am I complaining about
I still have life in my body and
Plenty to smile about
While we as people get stuck
In our superficial problems
An innocent spirit has suddenly fallen
We go through life angry and
Spitting hateful words
We get hung up on drama and
The truth becomes blurred
We harbor resentment
Until it finally consumes us
All this is happening while
A child is dying of cancer
And our petty problems
Are we can discuss


Just like cancer....

People also ****

She's ready to leave and run away
She's had more than
Any 12 year old can take
So she decides to leave this life of abuse
She's tried before, but he always found her
So what was the use
But now it's gone too far
The bruises are too bad
And mommy won't believe her
So she plans her escape with looking back
She opens the window
Looks foward to freedom
When suddenly
Something pulls her back
With the rage of a demon
She kicks and screams
But she's just no match
His lust and his need
Make for too strong of an attack
Finally she lets go
Realizing it's too much of a burden to carry
And mommy walks in to witness the
Entity she married

Silent conversations  
And one word answers
Are no longer enough for me
Gone are the days
When we were 15 years old
And loved so blindly
My faith is hanging by a thread
And you're running out of time
To build it back up
You're so convinced I won't leave
Boy, don't try your luck

When you're able
To cite a bible verse
But you can never
Turn the mirror on yourself
Every Sunday you walk into that church
It's about as sincere as satan himself

She's brave
She's strong
She's the woman she is today because of
The lessons her mother taught her
She speaks her mind and
Never backs down and in that way
I am not my mother's daughter

She's ready to leave and run away
She's had more than
Any 12 year old can take
So she decides to leave this life of abuse
She's tried before, but he always found her
So what was the use
But now it's gone too far
The bruises are too bad
And mommy won't believe her
So she plans her escape
Without looking back
She opens the window
Looking forward to freedom
The howl of the wind
Gives her the courage she needed
With her bag on her back
And her head held high
She ran as fast as she could
Without a regret in sight
She escaped her abuser
No more beatings to withstand
And mommy's husband
Never laid a hand on her again

Something in the air changed
That October of 2008
Your eyes glistened
And your smile sparkled
More than I'd ever admit to say
I recall you running down the hall
Just to catch up to me
You'd pull me by the hood
And stop me in my tracks
If my speed proved too fast to meet
I knew I fell for you
When I would walk slower
To give you time to catch up
You didn't notice but
When you came around
My whole body went numb
I penned you a little note
Because I knew you had to be mine
A life without that infectious smile
Hurt too much to think about
I was starving for your touch
More than I would let you see
Just like I need air to breathe
My heart needed you to beat
My mind was a hurricane
But you calmed the storm
Now everytime I hear your voice
It feels like I'm coming home
Your arms are my safe haven
My happy place from God
I'm fortunate I wrote you
That note 9 years ago
Who knew it would take us this far

Come back to me dear
Don't get lost in tempation
I know it's easy to lose yourself
In the midst of frustration
But now you've drifted too far
And your spirit has fallen
This interal battle
Is becoming way too common
I listen to you talk and
It's like you're a stranger
It's creating an obstacle and
It's putting us in danger
I just want to see that beautiful smile
Back on your face
Because when you're not okay,  
I'm not okay and in that time
We are words misplaced
Now we're both lost adrift
Wandering the same empty sea
And when you finally find yourself
That's when I'll find me

You've got a look in your eye that says
Kiss me if you dare
I've never been one to play it safe
So baby, let's take it there
Let's tango for a night
And keep it between us
Two strangers playing with fire
Living for the next high
To give us a rush
Your lips taste of sin
A forbidden indulgence
A treat so good
You could be mr. right
But darlin
You and I both know
This dance was just for one night

I'm exhausted and feeble
Anything but gleeful
But money needs to be made
So to work I go to get paid

I really wish I never got sick
So my mom won't get offended
When I say I can't eat
Mom, I promise I wish I wasn't this way
What's the point of writing this poem
It's not like you'll ever see it anyway
But if you do...

I don't know

He's a vision of honor
A picture of love
He's the only happiness I've had
More perfect than I could think of
He's incredibly handsome
Too good to be true
I'd only be dreaming
To think he loves me too

Her eyes leave me speechless
Her spirit fills me with smiles
But yet I still wonder

If she'll hurt me

                down
        
                           the
                                      
                                     line

I can still taste your kiss on my lips
The one you gave me before
You reluctantly let go
With your hand on my left cheek
The last place you wanted to be was home
11:58 pm
With the rain sprinkling down
Nothing but clothes between us
Not one care to be found
We laugh in between kisses
Because we both know you have to go
But we're too young and in love
To care if time has an agenda of its own
My hand begs yours not to leave
As you slowly pull away
Our night may have come to an end
But I look forward to seeing you
On Wednesday

Oh sweetie
If only you could look in the mirror
And love the reflection
Your beauty is a
Picasso painting of pure perfection
Lift your pretty head up
And straighten your crown
Wear your scars
Like Cinderella wore her gown
Show everyone that smile of yours
Throw away that blade that convinced you
That you had nothing to live for
Go out into the world
And show them what you're made of
The heart of a warrior
And the wings of a dove

if
only
you
loved
me
when
you're
sober



too
late
now



the
game
is
o v e r

Your skin is begging to be touched
Let me quiet its longing
One kiss at a time

A compromise is NOT a compromise
If I'm the only who's changing

Too many times I let you win

Game over

I'm done playing

Take me to church
Coz I'm about to sin...

They say history repeats itself
But I'm not willing to find out
I don't need to meet you again
To know what you're all about
They say time heals all wounds
And it's true
Some scars have faded
But I'll never forget the pain I felt
When you didn't even know
It was my birthday
They say blood is
Thicker than water
But I'm not sure how true
That statement is because
When I needed my daddy's love
The only kiss I got was
That blade on my wrist
They say a father is a
Girl's first love
I wish I could agree
But love doesn't abandon you
At the tender age of three
They say you should
Forgive and forget
And Daddy  I forgive you
But I'm far too damaged to forget

****
Another school shooting
Why am I not surprised
I guess it's because
We cherish guns over lives

America the brave
Land of the free
Where we have the right to bear arms
But can't go to school in peace

We protest and riot
After a ******* Superbowl
But only offer thoughts and prayers
To the families of children
Who aren't coming home

We build walls
And set travel bans
But as long as you're American
Take your pick of our finest
AR 15s on hand

We parade around
For gay rights and feminism
And whatever the **** else
But when someone murders 17 children
We say it was his 2nd amendment right
And put our last shred of dignity
On the bottom of a dusty shelf

I don't want to raise my child
In a world where
Mass shootings are normalised
I don't want to live in a country
Where human life means so little
That the most we do is tweet
When innocent people die

To the victims of the Parkland shooting
I am so sorry the system failed you
And to the people with the
Power to make a change
Times been up
Now what the **** are going to do

I close my eyes as
I let myself feel every sensation
Your hands are playing
Devil's advocate
Making me give in to every temptation
Your fingertips trace the
Outline of my curves
Your lips kiss my neck and
I quickly come undone
Your naked skin touches mine
And suddenly I can't breathe
Your heart beats against mine
Doing a dance we can feel but can't see
My name coming off your lips
Is my favorite song
I kiss you in all the right places
So I can hear it all night long
When it starts to get intense
You give a half smile
Your hands grip my legs
And it personifies desire
When we're done
I can still feel your kiss lingering
Just like a summoned ghost
The taste of your lips is haunting
With every passing moment
You make me crave more
We're already tangled up
So what are you waiting for

Six years later and here we are again
So who's the victim this time
The misunderstood father
Or the forever abandoned daughter
Lets skip to the end
Because I've already read this story
Don't message me on Facebook
If you're not going to be there for me

My spirit has finally gone numb
Considering all the knives that
Have been thrown at me
I guess it was bound to happen eventually, Right?
I can only paint on a smile for so long
Until I run out
I can only pretend I didn't hear what you said for so long
Before it becomes too loud
And you'll wonder what's wrong with me
And why I don't speak
And why it seems like I've given up on everything lately
All the while not realizing
You contributed to me being this way
Because I'm the weird one for thinking
It's overkill to be burned at the stake
But it's fine
That's life right?
You do everything they want and
They still hunt down their best knives
I guess I better run to the store
To pick up some paint
I'm going to need one hell of a smile
To get through this day