Everyone I know was afraid of dying
They feared cancer creeping silently
And they kept their doors locked at night
They feared strangers in the dark
Or burning themselves on the stove
But I did not fear what they did.

In the early hours I feared living
I feared waking up for another forty years
The shuffling inadequacy of the nine to five
I feared truly being a woman
And I feared never being good enough.

So I turned myself over to darkness
I let faceless demons replace my heart
I burned and bruised to feel something
I made my body so scarred and ugly
That nobody would dare touch me.

I feared sugar more than death
And sleep more than fire or water
I do not fear speeding cars
Instead I fear breathing deeply
And watching another day unfold.

I did not know that I was wrong
That I was reckless and unstable
I was scared of my own humanity
While others were scared to lose it
And somewhere down the line I forgot
How to feel well because it scared me.

I am more scared of oil than I ever
Was of starving myself to death
I feared my own blood far less
Than the hands of strangers and now
My medicine is harder to take than drugs.

Everyone I know is scared of drowning
While I am scared it wouldn't be enough
To clear my soul and purge my body
I am scared I would still be living
Even after forty pills and alcohol
I was scared of this life more than its end.

So when I lay in a hospital bed
I was not scared that I would try again
I was scared I would fail again
And now I am free I fear losing my mind
Because they would lock me up
Yet again to keep me alive.

Now I am free I do not fear dying
I fear being left to struggle alone
I fear a repeat of the last few years
But I am more scared of freedom
And of truly feeling anything at all
I do not fear for myself but I fear life.