There is no high like that of the epiphany. The only reason drugs and alcohol were ever decent was because they seemed to spark these glorious moments of clarity and realization, and even if it was only the illusion of a life changing thought, at least it was experienced. Hell sometimes they were even valid. But just like every other high, there was a come down. And the most terrible come down of all was knowing that whatever life altering wisdom you came to know, whatever deeper look into the human condition you now seemed to understand, the next morning you would wake up and everybody was just as much of a ******* as they were the day before and nothing changed and the high wore off and it was just another ******* let down.

She looked at me
With a tenderness that I had never known
And in that moment
I was free

When the doors are closed
and its cold outside
would you,
sell your soul for one last try
to search for the life you could never find
just push those bad thoughts to the back of your mind
and the wind starts howling and lights up your bones
with an undying hope that reminds you of home
you know that you've never had no place to go
but the feeling is real
so don't ever let it go (oh, oh, oh)
Cause your heart is Gold (oh, oh, oh)
Don't let it go
And her tragedy lies in the depths of despair
in a room where lit cigaretts fill up the air
she sits in the corner and twirls her hair
and her tears fall and burn from the pain she cant bear
but your beauty reflects your soul
and your heart is made of gold
so don't let it go (oh, oh, oh)
cause your heart is gold (oh, oh, oh)

Give me your hands dear
and ill show you a new world
a world of color

I looked in her eyes
and saw how much she loved me
I had to leave her

Oh but how could you
cut me down the way you do
and say you love me

And then the leaves changed
and everything was lost
in hues, red and gold

Her lips were poison
The flower that bled venom
now coursed through my veins

Throw love to the winds
may it blow through the broken
And warm tired bones

But he was broken
and she couldn't understand
no one ever does

I called out to you in the dead of night.
My eager heart plummeting
at the occasional creaking sound that came
from within our old battered down house.
Every sigh and moan,
an echo of the anguish the old house had once endured.
I understood the house’s pain and it accepted mine
The way a mother accepts her young.
The house was dying,
and so was I.
We both knew it
but still We cried out for you,
together,
one last time.
Frightened and forlorn as we were.
Like the last rose of winter,
holding on to its withering petals,
too afraid to let go,
But far too weak to hold on.
I sprawled out across the kitchen floor.
My punctured heart spilling out,
through the cracks between each slab
of generically stained linoleum
The house held me
"Close your eyes, "
it whispered.
I held them open
for as long as I could
I grit my teeth
and whispered back
"I’m sorry"

I've got a little black book with my poems in
I've got a bag with a toothbrush and a comb in
When I'm a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone in
I got elastic bands keeping my shoes on
Got those swollen hand blues.
Got thirteen channels of **** on the T.V. to choose from
I've got electric light
And I've got second sight
I've got amazing powers of observation
And that is how I know
When I try to get through
On the telephone to you
There'll be nobody home
I've got the obligatory Hendrix perm
And I've got the inevitable pinhole burns
All down the front of my favourite satin shirt
I've got nicotine stains on my fingers
I've got a silver spoon on a chain
I've got a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains
I've got wild staring eyes
I've got a strong urge to fly
But I've got nowhere to fly to
Ooooh Babe when I pick up the phone
There's still nobody home
I've got a pair of Gohills boots
And I've got fading roots.

Oh what a bother
Not having a father
the other kids all seem so fair

As they race and play catch
And they bet on whose best
I'm left all alone in despair

Oh what a bother not having a father
Oh how lonely a life this can be

Oh what a shutter
not having a mother
the mothers they all seem so kind

They cook for their children
and smile as they greet them
but my mother has left me behind  

Oh what a shutter not having a mother
Oh how lonely a life this can be

Sometimes a sadness comes over me.
And I drag myself under the porch  
like a wounded dog,  
injured and ashamed
ready to die, alone
I never let the rest the world see me like this.
My friends and family,
What would they think?
probably the worst,
Maybe they wouldn't think about it at all,
It didn't make much difference.
I howled and moaned and wept,
And sooner or later,
when I built up the courage,
Usually, after a night in a tall glass,  
drunken spit,
and flickering cigarettes,    
I drag myself back out.  
I shake out my bones,
and start all over again.
I know one day
I wont have the strength to crawl back out from under the old porch ,
But that's  okay.
We never really had a shot anyway
did we?

Once the depression becomes routine,
Happiness never really feels comfortable again.
It comes around
now and then,
like an old friend.
You laugh and drink
and reminisce about all the plans you had that never panned out.
All the hope you invested,
in the jobs, the relationships, the dreams and goals.
And you laugh at how foolish you once were for ever having such ideas.
But the laughter dies out
And your smile fades
And you know in the back of your mind
that soon, your happiness will be gone again,
and you can never quite forgive it for leaving.
You cant blame it,
All you ever did was hold it back.
Maybe somebody else could make better use of it.
And the depression,
Well the depression is no Stranger.

That's the thing about a callused heart.
It still beats,
bleeds
And loves
the way any other heart does.
Its a matter of feeling those things that becomes difficult.

And then one day you wake up
You yawn, stretch and look around.
Everything is in its place
everything is exactly where it should be
but something is wrong.
something is missing
What could it possibly be? you wonder.
And then you realize.
its gone.
the little hope you had left
the denial
the sadness the anger
the
happiness
     the grief
     the drive.  
All Gone.
Darling
the essence dies
long before the body

I was off!
"to hell and back," I said.
But now I cant quite seem to find my way back