i want to remember
how i felt
when i didn't care
about the pills
sliding down my throat

i want to remember
how i felt
when my vision was hazy
from tears
when i slid my brother's knife
down
up
left
right
around my arms
legs
hips

i want to remember
how i felt
when the sick smile
drips across my lips
after the slice
when the blood
pooled up and let go
sliding down my arm
staining my sheets
the smile of ruin
of hopelessness

i want to remember
how i felt
when it wasn't about the pain
of the sting
but about the accomplishment
the representation
of my days in the dark

i want to remember
how i felt
the night into day
when my body
began to reject all the pills
and i puked and puked
and called for help
but remembered
it was either that the pills did this
or killed me

i want to look back
at a place where i'm happy
and loved
and love myself
and remember
how i felt
and know

it lead me to a life
that allows me to look back
as now

i am forward

tingling. my fingers warn me
that anxiety is nibbling
that my heart is transforming
it beats then tweets
a bird locked in a rib cage
That is rapidly shrinking
feathers fall as wings beat fast
a cage that grips the bird at last
I gasp for air and feel the choke
my hands cover my mouth
I know that I will faint if i
let air in again
faster
faster
faster
until I feel the bird passing
my rib cage loosens grip
my hearbeat take
a sweet doves place
a little sad
and more worn then before
and I am forced to take this
Scared, torn and beaten *****
as a token that says life
can just be living sometimes

I look inside a mirror and see
frigid ice crystalize around an iris
Reflecting this coldness
chilling my spine and reminding me of loneliness
even when its taciturn pools
of tears sent ripples
laughter fled and long missed giggles
my eyes see winter
where they once saw
wildfire dancing
and doves sing songs

I look into the my hands
each fold of skin hiding secrets
every etched out finger print
like a deciphered  map
trying to take me to a place I haven’t been yet
perhaps 3D puzzle
that fingers haven’t fit yet
every short torn nail
every cuticle
looking for a space to fill
is as sad as the heart and eyes before them
I beat. I look. I feel
its all so hard right now
to be a living declaration
given word to life’s just living

i am that spark that ignites your desire
that which fuels your madness.
i am the explosion of your senses
the explicit insult to your feeble needs.
of mind and body, result or not.
i am the force within your planetary resolve
not gravity. nothing of the kind.
i am that which streaks in the sky
a dying star, i am not. to feeble, i think.
i am that which siphons your resistance
the strength of a thousand black holes, i have.
i am that which reasons with your soul
for your body is too weak.
i am that which is enthroned atop your passion
its master and commander.
i am the continuous peal of deafening thunder
that plagues your wild fantasies.
i am your fear
you are at my mercy, i come when i please.
i am the scandle of your life
you dare not whisper of my existance.
i am that unknown
which you seek with feverish want.
i am not yours to keep
not yours to have.
i am that which eludes you
the fruit above Tantalus'head, the water at his feet.
i am.........
that which i will never know, that which you cannot know.
for i am incomplete.
and i am just beginning.............

it wasn't the fall
that worried her
she enjoyed it
the wind in her hair
the gentle sunlight
trespassing onto her skin.

it was the landing
that worried her
the uncertainty
of where she'd end up

hoping a cushioned cloud
would wrap her up and keep her safe
but knowing
that a landing in treacherous waters
was just as likely

but she enjoyed the fall.


a//j