Hot showers are not long enough,
the drives seem never ending,
the lines on my face
tally the hardships,
everything I've known
is forgotten by those who hand me my coffee.
My fingers fumble
to press buttons
that remind me how complicated everything is now,
and how it all used to be.
I take walks through the streets
and am alone.
I keep my shoes tied
slacks straight
and shirt buttoned righteously.
I can only brush my greying hair back
and look at the world anew each day,
to see that the world still cogs on,
and then I know
that I am yesterdays man.

Today you turn 19,
and I often think about how much things have changed in one year.
These concrete 'remember the date' days make it easier to recall,
like how I felt on Christmas and New Years and Valentines day.
How last year we went out to sushi, I got you that Perma t-shirt, you and your brother took all of us bowling, and you wouldn't hold my hand when there were people around.

Today you turn 19,
And I remember feeling like a surrogate for you to **** your emptiness into.
I remember the constant nagging of not feeling good enough,
the self-loathing that plagued me through our entire relationship.
Hating other people who had never done anything to me just because they meant more to you than I ever would.


A lot has changed in a year.

Today, you turn 19
and I woke up in the arms of another,
and I woke up with a sleepy smile that lasted into morning, afternoon, and night.
I woke up with his name in my mouth and his lips on my shoulders
and I woke happy.

Today you turn 19,
and I can look in mirrors again
and I don't wake up wishing I was someone else
and I don't punish myself for things that aren't my fault
and I don't skip meals trying to look the way you wanted me too
and I don't hate myself anymore.

Today you turn 19,
and I didn't wish you a happy birthday.

I'm better now.
I'm healthy,
and happy,
and loved.
It's almost Spring.

in the somatic nervous system,
acetylcholine (ACh) stimulates skeletal muscle, causing contraction

action potentials
in the 8am physio lecture,
the biggest on campus
crammed with nursing majors,
and health science hankerers,
public health preachers,
OT saints and angels

amino acid NTs: glutamate (+) GABA (-) aspartate (+) glycine (-)

the prof wrote on a distant whiteboard
too many complained about being lost
she made a joke about feeding *******
to mice for her neuroscience research

amines: serotonin (-) dopamine (-/+) norepinephrine (+/-) epinephrine (+)

STEM-dominated
when i'm just looking
to drop my roots
and press that
good earth into
the spaces between
my toes and
under my nails

but the grounds are a garden
of biodiversity from clippings
gathered by migrant habit-clad
founders more than a century ago

the soil is fertile            it is temperate
there are water filters in most residences

there is enough here for me

the all powerful lust
of the known unknown
craving to revisit temptation
is all i seemed to know

I was sad for a while, quite a long while.

And i never felt beautiful.

I couldn't sit there with myself without letting my thoughts destroy me, without wanting to destroy myself.

And that caused me to almost destroy the most important relationship in my life.

There was nothing beautiful about it.

But now I'm happy.

Now I'm happier than I've ever been.

And I kindof do feel beautiful, for once in my life.

Because I look at him, and how happy I can make him now, and i can see the beauty in me that I think he sees.

I can see it reflecting back at me in his eyes, in his smile, in his voice.

There was no beauty in my sadness.

But this, where I'm at right now,
This is beauty.