oh jeez...
look at how unsanitary the air can be
this area's apparently embarrassed of the error
so please excuse this breeze abuse
& breathe in deeply...heavily.
be ready for the steady supply
of thickened oxygen that's boxed me in
pressed against the rocks again
fending off that wretched wind
it bends me with its petty whims:
my lazy lungs got stretched too thin.

this air
this air...this heavy necessity
wrestling emptiness endlessly
TESTING TESTING
please inhale as you're listening
i'm invested in your empathy &
especially your circulatory circuitry
every blood cell has its worth to me
every photosynthesized sympathy
is my chlorophyll currency
& i'm spending it like burning leaves.

my fingers tap dance on the keys
hopefully the rhythm rhymes
wrapping words round the relief
my sans serifs have symbolized
if i can alliterate the literacy
& make allusions to my usefulness
maybe it will hyperbolize the symmetry
& let similes diffuse the mess
so please believe in paper wings
ink blots will not weigh me down
i'll deceive with dialogue & themes
while i antagonize the ground

these ink stains are like linked chains
i'm engaged in these pages like deep veins
& its making me see things.

like beauty & truth in words
that don't usually sooth...but soon
its a stuttered excuse i don't have the stomach to use.

i envision hopes & goals where
there were wicked open holes
& obstacles so inoperable as i'm getting awfully old...

just a killing fear of a fulfilling career
i've been building for years while welling with tears
but that backwards searching was
a crash course in learning & i'm finally here.

i remember winter months
being thinner than the summer ones
fattened with a dumber love
that happened just...because.

we eat this, drink this, breathe this weakness
hoping 2 half-souls can break even
the open hearts of broken people
deleting love they once believed in

we're lonely now that its not cold
troubled with how your eyes got old
while running they're so colorful
but now they're nothing & i'm miserable

your starry eyes
my lornelei
will set ablaze
the darkened sky
and get the blood
from my frozen heart
to burst from death
to a screaming start
they'd uproot trees
from the ***** grip
of mother nature's
earthen fists
they'd take the sea
of salty tears
and lap it up
until it disappears
and all the sea-dwellers
grow pairs of legs
and have the will
to walk away

self destructive wrist is
always bursting into pieces
using flesh as your parchment
write with razors til it hardens
then the slicing isn't burning
this crimson pain just isn't working
the deadness beating in your head
won't be brought to life again
search through shelves of self improvement
resort to smoke to dumb your senses
figure "if i can't transfer all this hurt
then i'll cloud up these problems first
and maybe they'll fill with such confusion
they'll forget what they were doing"
but soon enough the fog is clearing
and the voices you've been hearing
rumble back until they're SCREAMING
"you will never ever leave me"

i made several etchings in my sketching pad
some wretched reachings at the love we had
with pencils & stencils i outlined our path
but my designs were confined to crimes of the past
filled with charcoal barcodes all sparkling black
the receipts that we keep to compete & compare
arguments we begin just to mend & repair
i yell & yell trying to tell if you're there
but the transactions happened & it's been a year
i'm fading away but i wont disappear
i'm still here

did the days get slow again
& i didn't even notice it?
i just used up my lone defense
on sins i didn't know exist
ill give you just a little tip:
i've loved you since the day we met

"the words you found yourself exploring
are curdled old decayed & boring
i haven't heard one spoken sentence
but i enjoy the broken remnants
because then i can place & rearrange
the lame explanations on blank pages
replace the phrases i don't care for
erase the reason they were there for
display them as a euphemism
more mistakes to be forgiven
you're pathetic i'm the greatest
you're regretted i'm replaceless
i'm incredible you're a waste
i'm sensible you're outrageous"

one lonely night in davenport
& i swear i couldn't miss you more
but ill find these lines a lie tomorrow
when i stretch to wretched depths of sorrow
as i follow freight trains through the great plains
& pray things stay the same way

but the future ******* frightens me
cuz life seems such a sight to see
so i'm running from it (rightfully).

lets raise a beer in cheers:
here's to the reason
the seasons disappear
running dumbly from eachother
winter scarcely escapes summer,
but here's to life all
bright with hope
if there's a cliff we'll build a moat
if today's a waste there's tomorrow,
& here's to death &
its ***** certainty
in the sky or under earth we'll meet
& live perfectly eternally

at your funeral
your friends & lovers said
"she was so beautiful
and still is when shes dead"
but you requested no mirror
inside your coffin

you slid along quietly
past everyone's face
with so little vanity
we all felt ashamed
for being the epitome
of everything vain

you sought no reflection
in the ocean’s waves
you strived for perfection
but never forgave
my sudden inception
in your personal space

slip into misunderstanding
it’s the safest place around
six feet from communication
deep beneath the ground

elaborate tunnels
crawling seasons from reason
cavernous cave-ins
dirt and words to breathe in

sink into mud
skin scraped off by roots
each handful of earth
digs further from truth

skeletal structures
empty vessels abandoned
decaying to marrow
from hazardous habits

shovel your safety
and leave it behind
your dirtclod disinterest
is unsympathized

this dream i’ve been having
everyday when i wake up
the sun spreads fluorescent rays around me
i get blinded by sincerity
that you’ve made up
and let spill from your mouth from overcrowding

i drink all the sweat
from your soothing skin
and get stuck in this trap i got myself in
then i lie with you
under a blanket of dreams
and it disappears like all i’ve ever been

i wait for a letter you
swore was coming to me:
insincerity wrapped up in an envelope
you said “my love i
write every word to spite you,”
but as long as you’re writing
it doesn’t bother me.
i’m choked up in hands
i was never blessed enough to touch
and syllables become a source of comforting.
love used to leak from
the tip of your pen
but now blood's the only ink that shows up legibly.
i give up on a letter i
thought was coming to me
i guess it was just a misunderstanding.

spinning around
for days in place
i wake up to a dizzy head
see-saw floors and
dancing doors
surround my swollen bed
the carpet bleeds
under my feet
and swallows all my skin
waltzing bones
and tissue floats
in oceans of my sin

when i woke up in the morning
my head was strewn about the lawn
all the thoughts i had been thinking
wanted out of me all along

but they were all underdeveloped
& outside they couldn’t breathe
the air was chastising instead of
my mind's careful nurturing

so they begged me to come back in
but i said “theres nothing i can do
you took advantage of what you had then,
i always tried to care for you”

they said “please cant you just help us”
as they got down on their knees
but my thoughts were so clouded up
a fog had built up in the street

and the more i went out searching
out into the snowblind air
the more my broken brainworkings
got lost in their own despair

but soon enough i had surrendered
and i fell down where i stood
then somewhere in the fog i heard
“did you do everything you could?”

on your shelves there is a book
with a dog-eared page you'll never turn
you remember every sacred word
for that page is just a paper crook

it stole your every gasping breath,
thieved your thoughts through your eyes
your beating heart it burglarized
as words danced around your fingertips

it ***** your mouth and made it bleed,
ground your bones to sticky paste
your swollen head it clean erased
when you sang aloud its melody

but overtime you just forgot
that page that put your mind at rest
so you never made it to the end
and on forgotten shelf it rots

the rainbow ridden autumn leaves
sway solemnly falling at the feet
of the dark and dreary barkless trees
who have been stripped of all their dignity
to reveal the rotten wood beneath

so the monsters showed up one by one
to scrape up all the autumn blood
that lonesome limbs dropped from above
in an attempt to outstretch their love
but crushed is all the leaves become

the shrubs submitted to their death
with roots dug deep in their regrets
but once they see the sun's silhouette
they'll try and look their very best
and suddenly when summer ends
shell put their weary thoughts to rest

oh so youre the self-righteous
eyelid that closed overtop my iris
and blackened out my background
til my slackened eye was blinded?
well i've got news for you i truthfully decided
i'm not just gonna lie down where this virus has resided
i'm not the pitiful parasite you thought you were fightin
but i'm probably the person you partially have pride in
and i wont stop the slaughter til the waters are divided
til you're ******* up the sand on your own deserted island

i seized the day
and ended up in seizure pains
where a heated fever reigns
and eats my brains like beaten eggs
feverishly fried
on a stovetop of lies
where you drove off the side
of a cliff and broke off the ties
and that's it i quit
i've dusted off my hands
and trusted your demands
til i was crushed like a cardboard can

there's a color in my heart that cannot be created
using pastels or pencils
it could never be painted
darker than black
more angry than red
much brighter than white could aspire to have been
more alive than green
but deader than grey
like purple but harder to wash it away
blue with more hurting
brown but more *****
orange with much stronger emotions there burning

dilate my eyes
let me see things as they are
give me more light to work with
push me past the invisible wall
where gravity has no hold
& i'm truly free
to embrace the crevices of my mind
in that dark escape where the sane seldom step
to chase that tiny ray of light
flashing signals of truth
to be deciphered
but i'm too weak to hold the beam
i still can't grasp
at god's design

i will say i will see you tomorrow someday
& slice & carve the hardened clay
until molten emotions rise & flow away
& all around me sounds decay
& all the sights dim & rise then fade
until i’m left fighting this white abyss
while my cognitions give in & commit
to rearrange the big bang of my existence

i miss the love i took for granted
the us neglected just cuz i had it
dismissed affection, look what happened
too intent on revenge to even grasp it
until its too late
i used to do things
that made me ashamed
to bear this ****** name
but i'm not the same
not a spiteful rival
i finally found change
but had to lose my title
& fail the trials
had to touch the bottom
to finally smile
i had to face the fires of hell
before i could aspire to do well
though i don't understand
the shape of god's hand
ill still try to change his scheme
to become a better me

pull on my preterite
volatile verbs
i lay every letter for you
inches of ink
morph into miles
stretching out far to find truth

soft-spoken syllables
tongue-licking treachery
now i constantly keep my mouth shut
linking up lips
ill eat with my eyes
but you'll never forget what i've done

eternal sorrow breeds
eternal apologies
a succinct series of sorries
stretched out for years
i sacrifice my innate interior
to the naifs who know me not
obscurely tarnished & dimmed
one love plagues my skeleton
naivety levitates from relevance
for the new ones have been ruined
& so i repeat:
regurgitating the same remorse
just in a new direction

weep weep weep for
the sweet sorrow of tomorrow
for once you slip under the covers
death's brother slumber borrows
pieces of the secrets that you sweep away,
molds them into monoliths,
& starts his sleepy play
but even hes afraid of the dreamscapes you create

we both had an ocean once
which crashed upon the rocks
& for one salty, open month
we splashed away our thoughts

we danced along the waves
dove down below the reef
explored every darkened cave
& grew new gills to breathe

told our truths through bubbled words
safe here deep beneath the bay
then our every sacred secret burst
& i drowned as you swam away

hello bottom nice to meet you
underneath these reaching trees
i have decided to defeat you
please proceed to preach to me

tell me of that golden sky
that i will fly up to tonight
tell me of the sacred light
that guides my often orphan eyes

scream of all the sterile dirt
& bask beside my broken dream
tell me exactly what i'm worth
& barter for no breaths between

i haven't written in several days
have not been smitten with paper praise
so i depressed my pen & walked away
because without you words don't exist
there's no purpose to lifting lips
& everyone feels guilty to **** trees because
all writing will be wilting without you my love
& if my ***** pen still bleeds
he'll die in vain & filthy
because i would never try to use
these simple words to describe you
in fact ill just lay all language to rest
& tell those men to end their fatal attempts
those gorgeous words haven't been invented yet

ok well
lets return to reality
or whatever that may be ...
isn't that a vision that
all our backward habits breed?
or some fallacy of tragedy?
well yeah
i guess so. . .probably.
but life is ******* crushing me,
i can barely get my lungs to breathe
& the reaper's always touchin me
with phalanges ******* stuck in me
he just does this to some of us
my bones are only crumbled dust
& yeah i'm lonely just because
i cant distinguish lust from love

from the perspective of two depressed individuals
when suicide's misdirected its effect is residual
it spreads across the wet tear bed you left
where your pretend weekend friends slept
until they woke up in a cold sweat
blue lips pale skin & visible breath
hell hath frozen over & your hope is dead
while IVs penetrate your veins in a hospital bed
& your mother watches the long-delayed death of her egg

i fell into a deep hole
6 feet steep in demented people
a crimson liquid comes up
from subtle muddled tugs of
dark artistic blades
sharpened & parked in place
are scarring my heart from the arch in my back
while i'm starting to starve for a part of your laugh
but your stabbing tactics,
adverbs grabbed to get me back with,
are childish attacks on your selfish self for what has happened
you cant even admit the **** you brag about in private settings
& you'll deny & lie to try & find a way to die without regretting
but i guarantee it wont work
i've been there when i was younger
you're just building up the thunder
to be burned & buried under
& the stress is infested with aggressive death messages
when all your best friends' chests are ****** messes

honey i'm sorry
that the sun goes down
when you kiss another's lips
with an open mouth
i tried to tough it out
but its over now
you surely showed me how
to feel worse than the dirt
on this frozen ground
where the roses drown
next time i hear lies
at least ill know the sound

i failed to mention
the frail dimensions
of my pale existence
no details specific
just the vaguest senses
of a plagued decision
that locks my life in prison
for an extended sentence
but when you inch in to visit
i get intricate visions
with our limbs all twisted
in romantic antics
& the only thing between
you, true love, & me
besides bedspreads & sheets
is my dead self esteem

sleep
is just a metaphor for
deep dream seeking.
chasing dragons & demons
through a seamless sequence
of events which
defy all weakness
with tongue in cheek
& grinding teeth
toward bedsheet beacons
bright light beams
that scream through
bleak dreamscapes.
but better your head
than these streets & freeways..

take these
automatic habits you implanted
in the back of my hands
that inflict dents in my relationships
whenever my muscles twitch
out of happiness
my fists clinch
in expectance of negative

for years i've churned
through dirt for
the perfect words
but i keep hitting
the same old sacred
volcanoes of phrases:
some molten emotions
long left unspoken
that simmer in soil
til they spurt up like oil
& man's machines toil
to collect every speck
of that liquid that's left.
now there's not a noun for me
just my igneous ignorance.

wind spins
leaves gently
on concrete
oddly
falling feels free
no more
filthy guilt please
swinging cleanly
the breeze breathes easy
& leaves gain speed
with disbelief
in gravity
or maybe they know they don't
need it

father, son, & holy joke
down on knees i clearly spoke
my palms pressed together tight
i split my lips & closed my eyes
i told the stars of all my stress
& asked the black sky for guidance.

it said "my son, be not naive
i cant help those who dont believe
though i visit you in dreams
the only time you speak to me
is when your mind is weak with grief."

i was startled by the martyr's words
it spoke the truth of what occurred
the one that knows what true wealth is
sees my every need as selfish
& so i responded, basically,
"but where, my lord, is your faith in me?"

& so the water
flows unaltered
time kept falling
no one caught her
lakes were made
of great mistakes
as all the problems
popped in place
& the bubbling stream
floats driftwood dreams
from desperate needs
to reality

red was just a color that
bled through my brain's crevices
painted my dead retina
with slippery crimson messages
a filter for my frigid eyes
rejected all the other lies
until that color lined my sight
the only crayon ever craved
enveloped my swelling head
no telling how that ****** shade
sutured up my silly pain

i don't know if i can go on like this
with a gunshot wound
deep inside my chest
and have to just try and pretend
it wasn't you
not your gunpowder laced lips

we all know what a bullet does
when it pierces bone
when it travels through your lungs
so my mouth collapses shut
empty air just flows
and silences my tongue

so you've finally done with words
what you couldn't do
with hands & blades & burns
and now i will never stir
i'll just think of you
as my skin absorbs the dirt

you say you're doing your best
to cure my disease
but don't you ever forget
you gave it to me.
so you're an animist
you dance with the trees
but took my confidence
& put it to sleep.
so it hibernates
for years while you
try to save face
with somebody new
& you clothed yourself
in mindless ***
& said you felt
where there was nothing left
& when the two of you died
you fell first
then i reached six feet inside
& pulled you up from the dirt
so now i walk with the dead
& it curves my lips
the promises we kept
are all that still lives.

my sharpened ****** fingertips
i used to burst your veins
i hold up to your loosened lips
as your hearing fades away

the crimson-colored cutting blade
i used to gouge your eyes
now peels the skin from off your face
to make a mask of ***** lies

a hundred dripping needles
i dropped into your skin
are now a hundred tiny tunnels
a lost highway for your sins

one sullen screaming bullethole
that traveled through your head
is a bookmark for the thoughts you stole
that you'll never think again

lifelessly living
drenched in the blood
of forgotten memories

you heartless bag of bones
i'm just another meal
on your diet of dying souls

this disgusting vessel
i'm piloting
will never find its place in love

you took my heart out of my chest
you cleansed the valves then stomped it dead
you took my brain out of my head
you spun it around and dizzied it
you ripped from my body every limb
you beat me with those fleshy sticks
you ripped my eyes from their sockets
you sliced my sight with steady hands
you stole my skull from off my neck
you cracked it like a feeble egg
you stole everything ive ever had
you slaughtered me through carelessness

cryptic conversions
from you into her this is
what you deserved when these
problems occurred again

blackened from burning skies
that turn red when yearning dies
from glares of your urging eyes
i’m beginning to realize

perfection gives no regard to
love that has fallen apart i’ll
cling to just any sort of
person with half a heart

nothing comes close to you
so comparison is of no use
in my search for broken truths
i’ll never feel without you

sun comes up – one more empty day
all the world’s gone and vanished
to opaque

all alone – no place to go
it’s hard to be in love when
everyone’s a ghost

walk along – tread empty streets
machinery roars with more life
than the people I see

i’m afraid – this life I fell in
has finally found a way to **** me
again

can’t do it – far too much fear
want to be like the others, but just
can’t disappear

late at night – pass out in bed
resort to smoke to do this favor
for my head