fishing for innocence
or some little chunk of flesh
an image so picturesque
you'd place it on your bed rest
so it's the first thing you see
while waking up without me
some soft spoken simile
of a *** display yet to be
and a slight lack of compromise
of a desire you'd rather die
than never quite realize
to see your skin reflect in his eyes

all that you want is
to lay with something warm
but i just wanted to
feel normal once more
a broken-down sailboat
that's heading to shore
and a naive young captain
who does not know the course
so they float on the ocean
'til they reach sterile sand
where they'll stop and drop anchor
at the sirens' command
but those angels confused them
when they sang certain words
and as the men tried to listen
misunderstandings occurred
their songs had diseased them,
the men disappeared
those women deceived them
just as the men feared
soon night took the helm
of the masquerade sky
and the men died of loveloss
and so soon shall i
so your wish will be granted
but minus the warmth
tomorrow you'll wake up
next to my corpse

while i'm lying here hurt and bleeding
you cant conjure up a feeling
and no matter how i scream
you'll never hear me
because i'm not what you want to be hearing

but i know that you're just pretending
like you haven't been listening
but would you have heard
if i didn't scream for you first
and been at my side down and kneeling?

i imagine that were never-ending
but i don't know what you're intending
as you shed every tear
they're salted insincere
and i feel like we're just beginning

i threw the carcass of your caring
     solemnly down the cellar staircase,
            locked the door & clogged its airways

& cautioned the corpse of the consequences
of burning bridges & building fences
before i slit its lips to ribbons

& dared it to mumble love again
ohh so the feeling bubbled up did it??
no wait here comes hate in its midst
one more final, lifeless twitch
before i collapse your cranium's measurements

you're dead.
you were murdered
during the third birth of my head
at first it hurt but then dispersed
& turned into regret
i made you an orphan from
the water source inside my eye
drained it dry & drown you now
you found out how to die
& eventually
you'll essentially
be erased from my memory
i'll ***** you out & shove you down
til your touch is just a skin disease

that diamond crested,
disease infested life lesson
about the direction in which life beckons
"i need to run away to be free"
but isn't this a repeat?
didn't we make the fleeting defeatist decision
and now you're back again hurting me????
"yeah but we were only thirteen, see?"
well i'm still the same dumb kid
who thinks you cannot be trusted
i'm just a busted substitute for whatever love is.
but now you realize this
and severed our every tie it's
me trying to deny it's really the end this time...

your motives are dark & disturbing
& you know this is exactly what hurts me
& if you can lie about how you manipulated
i won't even try to realize how these lies are created
in a head that's obsessed with being constantly correct
i can't guess the lengths you would stretch to hear 'yes'
by bending the truth into circles & loops
until they are just hoops for me to jump through
well i'm not just your pet or avatar for regrets
i do not represent the goals you haven't met
so quit ******* with my heart and just let me rest.

you put all your eggs in one basket
then screamed at the wicker wire fashioned
to a clumsy form but the handle had cracked and
you belittled the broken bowl trying to get your eggs back in
but those yellow yolks were yelled at then abandoned
& you went to tell someone else what happened
who would do whatever you asked him

i conjured up these demons
so id finally have something to believe in,
but now they slowly scratch & scrape
& coldly break my brain away
so they can bury evil forces
deep in my cerebral cortex
they make precise slices
in the insides of my iris,
these devils forged in darkness
tear my spinal cord apart with
their steady stained & solemn heads
where hurt’s absorbed & swallowed in,
digested, divided & then dispensed
by their dissolving acid lips.

so i had slowly exposed
your lowly motives:
to be known as less lonely
you pulled me from cold lips.
you warmed the form of my torn heart
& welded the melted pieces
til i felt the swell of its beating,
the engine of my breathing
roughly revived from receding
from purity into obscurity
a cynical side effect of maturity.
but i was not the first to see
life lacking you's a blur to me
but now you made it crisp & clear
love never fades or disappears
we just pretend it isn't here
to suspend the hurt & end the fear,
but its nights like this i am reminded
why you're all i see behind my eyelids.
the touch i once took much for granted
i cherish, less careless than i was back then,
but love's just not enough i guess
when the one you yearn for deserves the best
when she views you as a massive mess
just another wretched time investment
or just another forceful *****
leading to the corpse of hope.

i fell asleep
to the swelling beat
of ****** jealousy
& woke up
to a full cup
of cold love
that we hadn't
spoke of
since we broke up
& now sounds like
a low thud.
rather than
the thunderous
industrious thumping
that your valves
screamed out
when they ******
pumped for something.

five years
of slight tears
& subtle sadness
but i guess that's what happens when
you think our love's an accident.
i cant convince you that it's true
ill always feel the same
whether you do or not
but please
just let a dead corpse rot.

& so my bones are brittle now
they crumpled & it's crippling
slipping over simple things
that never used to get to me
the strain on my marrow
is just narrowly missing these
pieces of a vessel just barely deceased.
so i'll pick up my packages &
peace out to paradise
& finally start living
so i wont be scared of life
let my skin see the sun
let my mind find the sky
& expose my broken bones
to the reasons i'm alone

your sweet hot breath
the day you left
will linger in my mind
your sacred skin
the day you went
will reflect in my eyes
your pretty voice
will be the noise
i hear until i die
your gentle hands
in their tactile dance
will always hold my life

my fingers fit perfectly
in the holes in your memory
your soft lips were meant to be
linked with mine eternally
our thoughts are coherently
understood naturally
a perfect mentality
you decided to share with me
your fingers so lovingly
have a way of comforting
of healing anxiety
making my worries recede
but now distance has come between
and left my heart violently
crying out in longing
for the love it will always need
my wretched tortured voice is received
by your monotone message machine
i can barely say anything
with the receiver there listening...

you say all the perfect things
i swear to god you practice them
repeating them in quick refrain
& they're lovely once they leave your lips
& i love their ringing resonance
& i whisper the same words in loving pace
because i love the way they sound & taste
but i hate how afterwords my lungs feel clean
& i hate the way my tongue can't speak
unless i use your mouth to breathe

there was an awkward silence
as i walked the islands
as i tiptoed my dry lips
across the tops of your eyelids
& i got my lips wet in the
depths of your retina

as i stepped along the beach again
my hands dipped in your sea of skin
as i breathed in your summer scent,
carried through air like whispered winds,
my fingers played with every pore
& ill linger here forever more

i want to kiss
your blossomed lips
until heaven rips apart
til the angels
have been strangled
by the swelling of my heart
til the ocean flows in
different rhythms
than the moon has given them
trustfully conducting
their obstructed innocence
& floods our love with sins

there are many miles mounting up
but they crumble with your crowding touch
they tumble down the love i found
& stumble round on troubled ground.
as i struggled with the distanced love,
i was humbled by its nonexistence
you mentioned love but never meant it.

your eyes are like the ocean
& i'm dying just to drown again
to feel the gentle mental wind
of our vacant conversations
i'm speaking to keep you from leaving
or to deceive you from believing
we ever have to end

lets get all our problems dead and buried
but wed still linger for weeks in the cemetery
each tombstone marked with an argument
that will never rise up from the ground again

but we'd still stay there searching for zombies
the walking dead words that still harbor longing
because we're still chained to decaying corpses
of angry verbs that helped push us forward

& once were unbound from those severed limbs
& link our reaching hands together instead
we can leave the graveyard through the iron gates
& step into a love which we cannot escape

i tried to draw your picture once
but my hand & mind
couldn't compromise
on how to portray perfection
with just some simple lines
these colors couldn't illustrate
all the flawless thoughts you think
this paper could not consummate
the happiness your eyes create
my heart swells at the smell
of your beautiful skin
but i could never endeavor
to imitate that with pen

i took all the poems i've written of you
& created a quilt of lovesick youth
& under this i gently sleep
& of our love i always dream
& sometimes in the dead of night
i swear i feel you press close to my side
i pull you closer & kiss your head
& realize how blind i've been
even in sleep you thought of me
resentment, addiction, jealousy
the past has ruined everything
far too selfish to forgive
i always looked for faults in you
far too perfect to be true

i fall asleep
on fallen leaves
& call to all the long deceased
tell them of the swelling trees
that melted their roots next to me
& left me unexpectedly
anchored to their rancor seeds
where pain pours out in memories
down narrow bones with marrow mesh
& find their homes in borrowed flesh
& take full hold of my confidence

how i long to lounge upon your lips
be the object of your gaze
you're an extension of my fingertips
as i try to solve your body's maze
but these are purely dreams alone
your beauty's far beyond & clean
so i shift focus to my homely bones
& suffer til structure can be seen

i let you get the best of me
i fell in love & hid nothing
...like i always do.
god i wish i'd learn
to have the love & not the hurt
to not **** up & make it work
to have someone who cares for me
much less sparingly
than all of you before.
i let you have the rest of me
& you swallowed every breath i breathe

your eyes are like a beacon
i'm being drawn toward
& even though i know
death rests on that shore
i still batten the hatches
& slice through the surf
& no matter what happens
i will reach that dirt
so there are rocks there
& they will **** my ship
& i will live in despair
because my vessel had missed
but i headed toward the light
it just wasn't your eyes
just a hidden deception guise
you had kept inside despite
utterance from subtle lips
of some love that was infinite
well darlin that dont exist
& thank you for proving it
& i still carry this love
but i will bury it now
i'll cover it in sand & blood
just under this lighthouse
i.miss.you.

i wish
i could skim your lips
with a kiss
that entices life
to rise in slight resistance
against death's intenseness
when it tries to reunite
the ties that bind our split hips
but never could we ever
endeavor in our pleasures
because together we would sever
the heaven that we live in
& end the friendships we mended
but its worth it
to be cursed with
that verbal disturbance
& hurt when this turns in
to a perfect occurence

now i'm stranded in the sand
deserted with my eternal curse
& the fact you never looked back
doesn't make the dirt disperse
drowning in the gathered grains
the rough remains of love exchanges
but each was just a dusty joke
like the broken lies you spoke
& so i should hate with all my soul
but god i couldn't miss you more