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Jennifer Arndt Jul 2015
I can't do you justice
Thousands of words I've written
but not one captures you.
I cannot capture your voice,
your strides, those eyes.
Eyes always changing
A tornado and hurricane at war.
I cannot capture those hands
that dissipates the sorrow,
leaving passion in their wake.
Today I have realized
that this is why I love you.
You're incapturable
Jennifer Arndt Nov 2015
I dream of taking a knife
Cutting all this fat off
It falling in sheets.
My gut gone,
My thighs.
A smile of triumph
As I look at the knife
And me in the mirror

I wake drenched.
Sticky.
Where did I go.
Jennifer Arndt Jan 2014
His tiny hands rummaged through the cupboard, full of colors and fun, boxes with different pictures with different gimmicks inside, each one so similar, but all so different. He pulls out a box, the corners frayed, but the picture on top as fresh as the day it was printed. Fingers trace the photo, feeling all the scrapes and scars that cover the surface, hidden from the naked eye. He opens the lid and pours the pieces out at random. Not caring where they end up, or if they get bent. The carpet soft against his hands as he crawls around, investigating the pieces, sorting out reds from blues, blues from greens, and greens from yellows. Diligently he searches and sorts, focuses so intently on the outcome, showing full focus on the pieces, nothing else around matters. With the colors sorted he starts to assemble, edges, corners, middle, each for its own unique placement. Almost done, he admires his work, so perfect is the puzzle that he has assembled. He runs his fingers over the surface, so perfect. When his fingers get near the edge, he removes a piece and pockets it. A remembrance of all the hard work, only he is to see the finished product completed. Carefully he picks up the other pieces and tucks them back into the box for safe keeping. His hand goes into the pocket of his jeans, twirling the puzzle piece over and over again, proud of his accomplishment. Not realizing the harm he has brought. Not understanding how taking that one pieces, is so crucial to the whole. Not realizing that the puzzle can never be complete again. Not understanding the pain he has caused. His hands plunge back into the cupboard.



You were there, when I was broken. There to pick up the pieces and put me back together. That’s what I thought. So piece by piece, you helped me heal. Helped me see the whole picture, but in doing so, you showed me your broken pieces. You couldn’t let me leave unscathed. You couldn’t leave me whole.
Jennifer Arndt May 2014
inside all of us,
is a demon
and an angel.
be careful who sees what
'cause both can be killed
the one you trust your mind,
the one you trust your heart,
the one you trust your soul,
might be at ready
dagger in hand
ready to pounce.
to **** your angel
to be equal with the demon.
Jennifer Arndt Jan 2014
Pink wild roses sit outside my door.
HAPPY B-DAY!!!! is written on the card.
Picking them up I turn and go into my apartment.
I slam the door, slide down on the inside and weep;
all good intentions, all bad ideas.
Everything is a reminder,
a reminder of our first date,
our first birthday shared together,
our last day together.
I get up and go to the bathroom.
I don’t know who those eyes belong to staring back at me.
I don’t know those lips…
all too sad to belong to me.
Pile on the make-up,
cover up the red rimmed eyes;
brighten the drawn lips.
Slip on my favourite sun dress,
his favourite sundress.
The yellow flowers pop off the fabric that floats above my knees.
My flowers.
I hug myself while closing my eyes.
There’s knocking at the door, run to answer it.
My Sunshine’s there, questioning look, searching eyes, then a bright smile.
“I love that dress…” I smile back, but inside I’m hurt.
He could never love this dress the same way He did.
No one could.
                “I love it to…” I hug him, a great big bear hug, “…Thank you.”
Jennifer Arndt Aug 2014
'My hugs? Why?'
''Cause I felt safe in your hugs.'
He really has no idea as I burst into tears...
long distance relationships...
Jennifer Arndt Jun 2014
Time,
it’s a funny thing.
You think one more day,
but eventually,
that one day,
turns into seven months.
And I wonder why
I don’t mean quite as much to you
as I did yesterday,
because yesterday,
was so far away.

The grains of time slips through my fingers,
who knows, when that hand will run empty,
but what then.
It may have already run dry
and I’m to blind to notice.
To stubborn,
since these seven months went by,
with just
one.
more.
day.

And they say,
the longer apart,
the closer together,
but is there a closer together after all this time...
Jennifer Arndt Feb 2014
Yes.
They stare.
It’s as though I am to fault,
yet no one is brave enough to jump into my path and plainly state it.
Their cruel, questioning eyes don’t hold back like their tongues though.
I heard somewhere that tongues are like leather belts hitting you.
If only these people used theirs.
It would hurt much less...
Jennifer Arndt Jan 2014
Car. Keys. Jab. Turn. Clutch. 1. Clutch. 2. Break. Clutch. 3. Clutch. 4. Drive. Speed. 100. 105. 120. 131.135. 140… 142. 136. 130.120…Leaves. Gravel. Blurs. Turn. Turn. Swerve. Lights. Dark… Lights. Bright. Dim. Dark. 105. 83. 52. 37. 10. 9…0. Latch. Stand. Slam. Walk. Jog. Run. branches. Thorns. Grain. Sprint. Fall. Dirt. Dust. Water. Face. Tears. Cough…scream…
Jennifer Arndt Nov 2014
Leave me alone
get out of my head
when did you set up shop here anyway
I can remember,
but it feels like a while ago

sitting in the foyer
sink into the black cushions
deep into the folds snuggled in
like one of your hugs
pulled in close to your heart.
facing the window
eyes never leaving the door
for you might walk in

I wrote this a long time ago
staring at a coffee stained napkin
with my pen at hand,

You called as I was thinking of you
deep in thought about your eyes
your hair, your mouth
over a cup of coffee.
scratching down a poem
on a coffee stained napkin
eye on the door
always has been since you left

but you called and broke my thought
broke it into a thousand pieces
and my heart stuttered at the voice I heard
at the laughter that came from within you

I can’t remember the last time I heard that voice
the last time I heard that laugh
the last time i stopped looking at the door
waiting for a miracle
for you to walk in
or i to walk out to you

then you called
and with that call
you changed everything
lump in my throat
dazed and confused
lit up like a light bulb
the happiest on earth
just that
a phone call
and im yours all over again.
Fully rooted deep in my head
never alone.
Jennifer Arndt Jan 2014
Snow covers the land
Falls from the sky.
But here,
It’s raining in november
As the heart clouds up in pain.
Jennifer Arndt Jan 2014
I breathe in deeply; the smell of home fills my lungs. What a wonderful feeling. I can see her again… I wonder what she has planned. I’m so excited.

                Everything is so quiet.

                                                    quiet…
                                                        quiet….
Jennifer Arndt Jan 2014
We were outside, chilled to the bone, clinging to each other for warmth. There was none to be found. Shivering profusely, even if we wanted to stand, our limbs would fail us. Pulling each other closer, trying with all our might to find a stitch of warmth left in either of us, even though we both knew that there was none. The cold North Wind had come in and snatched the last of the warmth within our bodies. Like the beast it was, it swooped in with its icicle crusted fingers, burying deep down into us, searching every corner: heart, soul. With every breath, it entered our bodies. Claws scraping down our throats, deep into our lungs, spreading to the blood, the heart, where it clung, like a babe to their mother’s chest. Chaining and shackling itself with dead bolt upon deadbolt.

Looking into each other’s eyes, we see the spark that so readily burned before start to frost over. We pull away, since no warmth is to be found, but alone, is so much worse. At arm’s length we stare at the once radiant creature that now cringes and huddles away as if it were a discarded toy a toddler has outgrown and mangled. Perfect reflections we are, as if a projection was placed in the others soul.

We are still alive, is what we see in the other, life, but no warmth, quivering too severely to live it. The North Wind blows harder, whipping our tattered and torn clothes around us. We pull each other closer, but this time different, a smile is shared, but not duplicated by the other, where question and pain is engraved too deeply from the frigid North Wind; different in that the other envelopes around, cocooning themselves over the other, sacrificing themselves, hiding the other in their arms and soul, the last attempt.

Taking another deep breath, the North Wind howls around, trying to burrow itself through to the other soul encased beneath. No warmth is to be found, but a tiny gray spark still burns. Protected from the North Wind’s talons, it is able to smolder, to get a grip on the deadbolts the North Wind has so strongly placed upon the heart. The frost steams and tries to pool away as the spark turns to a flame and tickles the underbelly of the chains: warming, living.

Growing the flame clings to the chains; they try to escape but turning into a torch, the flame dances and licks at them in earnest. Underneath the chains, underneath the frost, scars, fresh and bleeding reveal themselves. The body starts to still. Up above and around it, coldness, shivering and unable to move, gripping it starts to slip, starts to lose hold. Shrieking triumph, the North Wind picks up strength, but is stopped. Burned it is as it enters the throat, trying to climb down to the soul, burned by the blossoming flame.  But the smell of the fresh wounds, the fresh blood, draws it again, unable to resist such a taunt, making it deeper into the body, only to be repelled again. Over and over it tries. Over and over it fails.

Cold and shivering, the other grasps tightly to the once radiant creature that stark body protected the last bit of flame that danced within them, nurturing theirs to burn bright. Not giving up, the North Wind keeps howling about them. Diligently it seeps deeper into the other, trying to get a solid grip, only to be expelled as the spark grows.

At arm’s length, they stare at the radiant creature that now sits full of purpose, full of life across from them. Perfect reflections we are, as if a projection was placed in the others soul. The wounds cry blood, but are protected, slowly cauterized by the flame. No more does the North Winds talons claw, but more itch and ****, still there, but not controlling.

We are outside, warmed by the other, clinging to each other in awe. Stilled by peace, we stand, holding to each other for balance, unsure if our limbs will hold us. Even though we falter, and almost topple from the North Winds push, we take a tentative step. The cold North Winds silenced. Like the beast it is, it is defeated, not without leaving scars, not without leaving tender wounds buried deep down into us, its reminder etched as a reminder in every corner: heart, soul.

We hold onto each other, no longer clinging, but steadying. There if the other may falter, if the other may fall. There to rekindle the flame, if the North Wind tries to extinguish it again.



The cuts will heal, but the scars never leave. They open and reopen, crying tears of blood. Once again they will heal, but even healed, they throb. The pain numbed but never lost.
Jennifer Arndt Apr 2015
Nothing is right. I ruined everything. I held the world. I had a lover. I had love. I had hope. I had everything. I threw it away. One night. That's all it took. One night. With the wrong one. One night. And I cant trust again. I threw it all away. I threw you away. When all I wanted. Was to throw myself away. All I wanted. Was to self harm. All I did. Was destroy us.
Cheating...
Jennifer Arndt Jan 2014
I can’t say this out loud
You probably understand
Or maybe you don’t after all

I want to kiss you

It’s oozing up inside of me
Pooling up over my seams
Up over my lips
And I don’t want to lose its sweetness

I want to kiss you

I remember your hugs crushing me with such force
Seeping emotions from one to the other
Your face buried deep in my shoulder and neck
And I don’t want to lose its sweetness

I want to kiss you

No matter how I try
I can’t say this out loud
You probably don’t understand
Or maybe you do after all
Jennifer Arndt Aug 2014
you are too perfect
to be captured in words
the lines of the paper your cell
Jennifer Arndt Oct 2014
"Never love a wild thing.
The bite marks they leave heal
But the corrupt mind is yours to keep."

"Can you not see?
Even the most angelic mind the devil prances in."
Jennifer Arndt Nov 2014
I want to watch the stars tonight fall in love with the world.
Whisper secrets to the moon...
Jennifer Arndt Feb 2014
Without knowing
Without a thought
Without a care
He wonders
He carries
He hides
A piece of me
Where ever he goes.
Without feeling
Without seeing
I have traveled
To foreign lands.
Unknown to me
Unknown to him
Unknown to all.
He wonders
Carrying a piece of me.
Never safe
Until he returns
Or shatters me forever.
Without knowing
Forever
I shall travel.
Jennifer Arndt Jul 2014
What would you do for who you loved?
Would you let them inside?
Inside to the true you?
Would you let them know all your thoughts?
Your deepest darkest secrets?
Would you let them destroy you?
**** yourself to save them?
Is that love?
Is love sacrificing everything?
Does loving someone mean you would die for them?
Die to save them physically, emotionally?
Love? That we say is so joyous, grand, spectacular?
Love? That we all need to feel worthy?
Is it love that kills us?

If you love them you will leave them.
If you love them you would let them go.
If you love them you should be happy they're happy without you.
If you love them you should be content with the heartache.
If you love them...

What would you do for who you loved?
first time i truly cried in a movie
first time thought what i would do
but cant do
'cause maybe you are happy without me
maybe i need to be content with this heartache
and die with this love in my heart.
Jennifer Arndt Sep 2014
You are on my mind every moment of every day,
in the dead of night when Incubus rests on my chest,
in the waking hours when Pothos juggles my heart.
Who are you who haunts my soul shaking my very core
Jennifer Arndt Jun 2014
Sitting on the couch
silence unfolding
but not uncomfortable
my face in a book
trying to ignore you
trying to pretend

Once we were sitting in a coffee shop
sharing and laughing
after who knows how much coffee
and you know
at least now
how coffee is not so smart for me to drink
but i love it
because you love it
and it reminds me of you.

We are sitting in a field
a pasteur
maybe stubble
on an old patch jean quilt
or maybe the old brown picnic one
laying together
drinking a beer
watching the stars
the same stars
that I stare at now
thinking of you
because maybe you see them too
and they remind me of you.

In a small room
a dorm style
white sheets with colored block designs
listening as your fingers
glide along the guitar
and your lips
as they move
and mouth the emotion
that pours out of your heart
and i hold a guitar
and practice my soul out
because the feeling of it
reminds me of you.

And as we sit on this couch
in complete silence
i think of all the trips
all the places
all the things
we could do and see
together

but in this silence
as you tickle my foot
and i look up from my book
out of my pretending,
i think of all the things
that could be
but won't be

and my heart weeps
and my soul weeps
because i love you

(and no one understands what I mean)
and you never understand how.

— The End —