There are some songs
That if you catch me listening to them
By myself in the middle of the night
That's when you know
That I feel like a waterfall inside
Even if on the outside
I seem stagnant

You asked me what I was so afraid of
And reached out your hand
An offering
As if you could possibly shield me from my fears
What am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of everything.

I'm afraid of people
And I'm afraid of being alone
I'm afraid of ordering food
And eating in public
I'm afraid of vague responses
That can be in any way construed as hostile or unhappy

I'm afraid of not living my life
I'm afraid of living

I'm afraid of calculus
And when I don't understand something on the first try

I'm afraid of unrequited love
Both given and received
I'm afraid of disappointing others
And letting down those who are counting on me
I'm afraid of love
I'm afraid of the feeling of my heart clenching in on itself
Whenever I think about you

I'm afraid of being tortured
Physically
But I consistently torture myself mentally

I'm afraid of the fact that we're hurtling through a universe
That we know nothing about
I'm afraid of the possibility that we're alone in it
Or that we're not

I'm afraid of making too much noise
Or drawing attention to myself
Taking up too much space on public transit
Of making eye contact with a stranger
And seeing myself reflected in their eyes
I'm sure they don't like what they see
Because neither do I

I'm afraid of losing
And loss
And failure
And any other synonym thereof

I'm afraid of sleeping my life away
But I'm afraid to wake up

I'm afraid of the ocean
And boats
And bridges
I'm afraid of deep water
And its depths are the best analogy for uncertainty there ever was
And maybe that's what I'm most afraid of

No.
That's not quite right is it?
What I fear most is my constant companion
Who I can only glimpse in reflective surfaces
Spitting out her constant criticism
Not enough
Never enough

She spends her days whispering in my ear
Of all the things I have to fear

As the countdown starts
Pairs begin to form
Bodies pressed close
Liquor on their breath
Maybe your eyes will meet
From across the room
And time will slow down
Or maybe it will accelerate
Become exhilarating
Bottles clinking together
As your lips meet
The ball has dropped
And with it, it feels like, your stomach
Your heart racing
Maybe you and she will part
And share one last glance
Before separating forever
Perpendicular lines
Only meant to meet once
Or maybe
Just maybe
She will smile at you in just the right way
And you won't mind feeling like you're falling
It feels better to fall

Maybe my feelings for you aren't that unique
But even if all snowflakes were the same
The sight of one on Christmas Eve
Would still awake the magic in the heart of a child

And we drank cheap champagne out of paper cups
While we reminisced about things
That we had complained about while they were happening
And I looked at you from the corner of my eye
And wished you wouldn't go
But I know you are needed elsewhere

Your happiness means the world to me
Even if that means you have to leave

You think I’m overreacting
And I guess that might be true
But who gets to decide that?
I’m sure it isn’t you

I panic while in grocery lines
And worry about ordering food
You tell me that it’s stupid
I tell you that you’re rude

You don’t get to tell me
That my worry is misplaced
You think that I don’t know that?
Get the hell out of my face

You think I want to be this way?
You think it’s all a game?
The fact that you can’t understand
Is such a ******* shame

I’m sorry you can’t sympathize
Or maybe you don’t try
You think you have all the answers
But you don’t, okay? Goodbye.

You can look at a broken bone
And understand completely
But because my wound is in my head
You consistently mistreat me

It’s because of people just like you

That I feel like I have to hide
I pretend that I’m perfect
And lock my fears inside

The truth is that I’m tired
The truth is it’s a pain
I wish I could show my true self
Without being called insane

When I was little I was afraid of ghosts
Back when they were only misplaced shadows
And creaky floorboards
I was not prepared
For the ghosts made of flesh in blood
That hide in the corners of my mind
Even if I could exorcize you
It would be more like an eviction
I'm as much yours as mine at this point

In my mind you began as a sketch
A rough idea
Vague outlines
Over time you've gained dimension
Careful shading
Color slowly creeping across the page
I look at this portrait of you
And it's almost real
Almost
But not quite
Maybe with some more time
You'll let me close enough
So I can compare my work
Perfect it
Capture your essence
In acrylics smeared across a canvas
In my mind you began as a sketch
But I won't be satisfied until
You're complete

I'm becoming addicted to words
And I think to myself,
"At least it's not ******."
But sometimes I think words
Can be just as dangerous

I always thought that that orange sweatshirt you wear so much
Was like a beacon that would always guide me to you
Until today when I needed to see you the most
And suddenly everyone was wearing orange
And the color started hurting my eyes
And eventually I just drove away into the rain
And everything turned grey
"It's fine," I tell myself
Grey is just as good a color as any

Sometimes I feel like maybe
Somewhere along the way
Something went wrong

Like maybe I got damaged
In a way that
If I were a commodity
Sold at a department store
They would be compelled
To lower my price
Because I am no longer
In good condition

Most days this causes apprehension
But sometimes I remember
That there are people out there
Who would be happy to find
That blender they always wanted
Or a sweater in their favorite color
At a good discount
Even if the plastic was slightly chipped
Or the sleeve had a loose thread
Maybe this is the wrong way
To think about things
But for now it's all I've got

I am the leaves falling
Through the October sky
Gracefully accepting
A fate I did not decide

I am the moon as a cloud
Moves to cover my face
It doesn't count as hiding
If I was forced in this place

I am the birds fleeing
From the season of cold
Avoiding the inevitable
Searching for a new home

I am the wind as it sweeps
Through the forests
Invisible until someone
Feels my presence first

And I am the feeling
That you get late at night
You don't know what's wrong
But nothing feels right
And you're too nervous to try
To turn on the light

I've forgotten how to speak
How to write
How to type
How to communicate what I'm feeling
When I'm sat alone at night
All these thoughts swirling around my head
Trying to get out
But they get trapped by the dam
That I've built behind my mouth
My fingers break
One by one
With every keystroke that they make
And suddenly
My pens are dry
And my hands start to shake
And just when I start to think
I might be getting somewhere
My alarm goes off
It's just a dream
In real life I'd never dare
To say the things I've been thinking
Almost every day
The things that you learn you must never say
Because if you do
If for just one second you were free
That's when you become a threat to our society
You know the how the saying goes,
"Freedom is never free."
The price we pay more often than not
Is our personalities
We sell our souls to men in suits
In return for safety
My heart may beat
My lungs may fill
But am I really me?

It's hard to admit to someone
That you think that they
Are the coolest person you've ever met
When you've spent your entire life
Learning to never
Lean on someone too much
Because they always end up
Letting you fall

I've never been religious
But every so often
A song will come on
And it will make me believe
If only for a few minutes
That there's something worth
Believing in
As adamantly as any deity

It occurred to me the other day
That I am technically an adult
Who has no clue
How the world really works
And suddenly I'm feeling guilty
For all those times
That I threw aside the instruction manual
When putting together a piece of furniture
Or setting up a new program
Maybe there's something to be said
For being over-prepared

I don’t like that I’ve started measuring my time
In terms of days that I see you
And days that I don’t

How did I let myself
Become so invested
In someone who doesn’t even know
That I hear their voice in every song
And see their face in every dream

When people ask for my advice
I'm always baffled
What exactly about my life
Indicates that I have any ******* clue

The knowledge that you're hurting
Sits like an ember in my ribcage
Slowly simmering away
Next to vital organs
I try to douse it with tears
But it looks like I'm crying gasoline

Film is absolutely an art form
And if you try to tell me any different
I will fight you with all I've got
But where some art forms
Like painting, sculpture, or writing
Exists to create something new
Something that previously didn't exist in our world
Film is different
In that it is dependent on finding beauty in what we already have
I think that's why it's so important to me
I've spent so much of my life hiding in imaginary worlds
I need to remind myself
That there is plenty of magic in this one as well.

My life is consistently out of balance
I don't manage my time well
I'm either doing a million things
Or nothing at all
I don't manage my social life well
I'm either seeing everyone
Or no one at all
I don't manage my aspirations well
I either have dozens of dreams
Or none at all

And I think the worst of it
Is that I don't manage my emotions well
I'm either feeling everything
Or nothing at all
And this constant shift
Between all or nothing
Is disorienting in the most horrible way

My mom says
That my room is a mess
Because I don't respect her
But honestly it's because
I don't respect myself

I'm sorry for realizing that I deserve
Someone who's face lights up when they see me
And who makes me believe that I'm worth that light
But mostly I'm sorry that that person isn't you
Because I really wanted it to be, I swear
But  you just aren't

When I was little
I knew exactly how to answer
When adults asked me,
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Why is it that now
When I'm right on the cusp of adulthood
That suddenly I can't remember my lines?

There are lots of songs about surviving heartbreak
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how getting a bad grade
Doesn't define my worth

There are lots of songs about letting go
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes
It is okay to feel overwhelmed and lost

There are lots of songs about moving on
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how messing up at work
Does not mean that I am incompetent

There are lots of songs about unrequited love
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes failure
Is impossible to avoid, and that's okay

There are lots of songs about forgiveness
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how living
Sometimes feels like suffocating, but it won't forever

There are lots of songs about loving others
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about learning to love myself
Because I'm having some trouble
And I need some help

I've written so many poems
About the way you devastate me
As if you were a hurricane
And I the unsuspecting shoreline
I haven't written enough
About you

There's a certain poetry
In the way you speak
That I could never duplicate
And I could liken your smile
To something that would hang in a gallery
But I won't
There may come a day
When the sound of your laugh
Won't resonate inside me
But today is not that day
Your presence is almost lunar
Commanding me like the ocean
The corners of my mouth
Stretch skywards with the waves
You radiate warmth
In waves of gold and amber
I thought you were the moon
But perhaps you're like the sun

Maybe I don't write about you more
Because it's an impossible feat

My entire existence
Has been designed around
Inflicting the least amount of pain
But it seems that sometimes
I'm not very good at my job

I never missed you so much
Until I was sitting on the bleachers
Listening to a band sing about love
And all I could do was pretend you were next to me
So I could reach for your hand as the music swelled
I'd give up forever to touch you

Somehow each song is about you
And the band has become the narrator of our story
That hasn’t even begun yet
I wish I could take back the music
And stop hearing your voice in every lyric
I just don’t want to miss you tonight

Even more I wish that you were here
In a presence greater than just in my mind
I want to believe that you are thinking about me
Because somehow I let everything remind me of you
I just want you to know who I am

I never wanted to be a cliche
But something about you makes it okay

Tonight was the first time I cried over you
It was nice outside and I just wanted to lay on the grass
And get absorbed into the ground
On the ride home I put on songs that I knew would make me cry
Like a doctor expertly re-breaking a bone
So it will cause less permanent damage
It's better when I'm the one inflicting it anyway
I could never bear to view you as the cause of pain

I saw you watching my car as I drove away
And wondered if you wished I'd stay

All the clocks in my house are wrong
I check different ones
Depending on my mood
The one in the living room when I'm feeling optimistic
"It's only been 5 minutes. He'll respond."
The one above the stove when I'm feeling practical
"It's been five and a half hours."
The one at my wrist when I've lost hope
It's arms haven't moved in weeks
Time always seems to stop when I'm waiting for you

I try not to look at the calendar
Or at the clock as I pass by
It's just another reminder
That I might be wasting my life away
Waiting for someone
Who never even thinks of me

I like to think of myself as constant
Unmoving, like a tree
But, like a tree, I change with the seasons
And have very little claim to constancy

Sometimes I imagine
Peeling away the defenses you hide behind
Like plucking the petals from a flower
I want to see what's hidden underneath
Let me go on drives with you at 2 am
Listening to a radio station clouded with static
Let me ask you questions
About your childhood, your hopes for the future,
Your thoughts and opinions on everything
From religion and politics to tv sitcoms and pop music
I want to read you cover to cover like my favorite book
And when I'm done I want the floor of my car
To be littered with flower petals

My whole life is thunder
Anticipation before a storm
That may never come

Every message
Is just a collection of words
And all words are made up
Of the same 26 letters
So why is it
That some of them
Have the power to heal
And some are like daggers?

Every time your name
Shows up on my phone
My smile stretches so wide
That maybe it could bridge
The distance between us

Why is it that I coast through most days
In a haze
But then at night
My mind's ablaze?

It has the power to brighten my day
With a slight upward curve
With the parting of your lips
With a voice I could never forget
With a possibility
Scratch that
Let's make it a promise