Netflix wouldn't work today.

He texted me. But not when I needed it.

The place I work makes me feel dead inside.

The ceiling fan was just a little too loud.

There's this pressure in my head.

I can't focus on anything.

I couldn't get to sleep. Again.

I didn't want to wake up. Again.

The people at school don't like me.

All I have time for is school work.

My degree is going to be useless.

Crowds. Crowds. Crowds.

A lady yelled at me at work.

Sensory overload.

I wanted to tear at my head.

I cried instead.

I can't stop thinking.

I can't stop.

I can't.

I.

Don't hold my hand
I'm sinking
I'll only
Make you drown

You meet my eyes
But I'm blinking
I can't help but
Let you down

This isn't going to work
I've been thinking
You shouldn't
Keep me around

I need to pick my pieces
Off the ground

If I stop thinking of you as the destination
And just enjoy the journey…
Maybe that's the secret to happiness

I'll memorize the crinkles in your forehead
Like lines on a map
When my mix tape runs out of songs
I'll listen to your voice instead
When it gets cold at night
And I don't want to roll up the windows
I'll hold your hand

Even if we were only blown together
Like fallen leaves
For a brief amount of time
For that moment
I was yours
And maybe you were mine

I don't know where we're going
I don't even know we're we've been
But as long as the wind keeps blowing
Let's keep following the wind

you seem like the sort of person i could tell things to
that I might have never told anyone else.
how sometimes i feel like i'm drowning
and maybe that's why i'm afraid of the ocean.
how the song disorder sounds like the night
and how it makes me feel alive and dead at the same time.
i go to concerts so that the bass can keep my heart beating.
sometimes i lay awake for hours staring at my laptop
feeling numb and empty
and sometimes i wish someone would hold me until
i feel whole again.
i think i would be okay if that person were you.
you've always been so kind to me
in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.
i don't know what to do with kindness.
maybe you could help me.
i'm not good at feeling things.
sometimes i feel nothing
and sometimes i feel everything
but my feelings for you always made sense
in a way that the others didn't.
i'm bad at talking
let's just drive.
the night air makes me feel alive and free.
i love the way the world looks lit up
and the reflections of street lamps and flickering neon shop signs
and the way their light paints our faces.
you looked at me so gently that night before you left.
i pretend to know the words that were frozen on your lips
and i go to sleep with my heart keeping time with joy division bass lines.

She runs her tongue over her purple lips
It's an almost predatory gesture
Her walk
Almost violently confident
Heels clicking
Like the cocking of a gun
Similar, but she's more dangerous

She reigns in shadows
Every night
When they coat the concrete in darkness
She returns
Heeled boots echoing in the alleyways
Weeds peeking out from cracks in the pavement
Where she had once passed

She'll pick some stray dandelions
And scatter their seeds in her garden
Beside the bones of the man
Who thought he could control her

She may have been forced into this place
But now she's in charge

People don't see her as she passes
But they can feel her
Deep in their core
She's as cold as steel
And just as strong

She rules the night
And she's a fierce ruler

A man in black clothes
Stalks a young girl
As she walks home
He's frozen in his tracks
Turned to ice
The girl reaches her home unaware

As he begins to melt onto the sidewalk
With the rising sun
Passersby comment on the intricacy of the sculpture
"Must have taken ages."
He is nothing more than a puddle by noon

As the sky turns orange
She makes the trek home
Removes her black boots
Wipes off the purple lipstick
She remembers she hasn't
Called her mother in a while
They talk about their gardens
While she boils some water for tea

You asked me what I was so afraid of
And reached out your hand
An offering
As if you could possibly shield me from my fears
What am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of everything.

I'm afraid of people
And I'm afraid of being alone
I'm afraid of ordering food
And eating in public
I'm afraid of vague responses
That can be in any way construed as hostile or unhappy

I'm afraid of not living my life
I'm afraid of living

I'm afraid of calculus
And when I don't understand something on the first try

I'm afraid of unrequited love
Both given and received
I'm afraid of disappointing others
And letting down those who are counting on me
I'm afraid of love
I'm afraid of the feeling of my heart clenching in on itself
Whenever I think about you

I'm afraid of being tortured
Physically
But I consistently torture myself mentally

I'm afraid of the fact that we're hurtling through a universe
That we know nothing about
I'm afraid of the possibility that we're alone in it
Or that we're not

I'm afraid of making too much noise
Or drawing attention to myself
Taking up too much space on public transit
Of making eye contact with a stranger
And seeing myself reflected in their eyes
I'm sure they don't like what they see
Because neither do I

I'm afraid of losing
And loss
And failure
And any other synonym thereof

I'm afraid of sleeping my life away
But I'm afraid to wake up

I'm afraid of the ocean
And boats
And bridges
I'm afraid of deep water
And its depths are the best analogy for uncertainty there ever was
And maybe that's what I'm most afraid of

No.
That's not quite right is it?
What I fear most is my constant companion
Who I can only glimpse in reflective surfaces
Spitting out her constant criticism
Not enough
Never enough

She spends her days whispering in my ear
Of all the things I have to fear

There are lots of songs about surviving heartbreak
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how getting a bad grade
Doesn't define my worth

There are lots of songs about letting go
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes
It is okay to feel overwhelmed and lost

There are lots of songs about moving on
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how messing up at work
Does not mean that I am incompetent

There are lots of songs about unrequited love
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes failure
Is impossible to avoid, and that's okay

There are lots of songs about forgiveness
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how living
Sometimes feels like suffocating, but it won't forever

There are lots of songs about loving others
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about learning to love myself
Because I'm having some trouble
And I need some help

Watching dust motes swirl around in beams of light
The way droplets of rain slide along the windows of my car as I drive
The reflections of streetlights on wet pavement
When flowers grow up through cracks in the sidewalk
Sleeping in late and waking up feeling whole
Rocks in the middle of a stream that are just big enough to sit on
Watching sunsets over the wetlands on my way to class
Delicate coatings of snow over trees
The sound my boots make when I walk
When my cup of tea turns out just right
Candles that burn nice and slow
When my cat rests her head on my hand and looks up at me
The smell in the air when you know Spring is coming
Wearing big sweaters and hiding my hands in the sleeves
Philosophical graffiti artists
The smell of a campfire mingling with the the forest
Walking barefoot through grass
Listening to music with my eyes closed
Watching nature reclaim abandoned buildings
Walking through the woods in October
Being awake when everyone else is sleeping
Long, warm showers
When the birds come back after the winter
Taking naps during road trips
The way that the air feels different at night

And for a few days at least
My heart was painted on the walls
It was nice to be reminded
That I exist as something
Other than pen strokes and stapled pages

I feel as if I've collected bits of information about you
Like a bird with bits of fluff and twigs
Constructing a nest
Making something warm and comfortable
Out of tiny shards of something larger
I wonder
If they saw the trees from which their twigs fell
If they would still recognize their home

As the countdown starts
Pairs begin to form
Bodies pressed close
Liquor on their breath
Maybe your eyes will meet
From across the room
And time will slow down
Or maybe it will accelerate
Become exhilarating
Bottles clinking together
As your lips meet
The ball has dropped
And with it, it feels like, your stomach
Your heart racing
Maybe you and she will part
And share one last glance
Before separating forever
Perpendicular lines
Only meant to meet once
Or maybe
Just maybe
She will smile at you in just the right way
And you won't mind feeling like you're falling
It feels better to fall

Six
The number of classes we've had together
Five
The number of months until you graduate
Four
The number of times I've tried to say something
Three
The number of times I've really cried over you
Two
The number of weeks until I finally make a move
One*
The number of people who've ever really made me feel this way

I'm falling through sheets
Of iridescent cellophane
I can't help but wonder
How they reflect so much light
In this endless darkness
They make no noise as I fall
Leaving me to wonder
Is there anything there at all?
Maybe I'm just grasping
For something beautiful
In this void
They slip through my fingers
Not hindering my decent
Only marking it's progress
Through flashes of magenta and lime
I'm falling through space
Falling through time
It's okay
I'm coming home

My whole life is thunder
Anticipation before a storm
That may never come

I find myself sitting next to empty spaces
That happen to be about your size
And laying all the way to one side of the bed
So as not to kick you too much in my sleep
Someone took a photo of me the other day
And there was a strange imbalance within it
My figure pressed against the edge of the frame
Smiling absently at the emptiness beside me
I leave room for you wherever I go
I just wanted you to know