the energy of all the things I'm too afraid to say
pulses inside my body
I am electricity connected to dead fingers
I am an incomplete circuit
for each decomposing extremity
a cold and hard letter left un-depressed
a barren alphabet of plastic
missed opportunities
my mouth was sewn shut long ago
and now
one by one
my fingers break
and I am mute once more

sometimes I just **** things up

but sometimes it feels like every time
I guess I can't make up my mind
If I want to make you mine
I'll learn my lesson
In time

I know
We'll be okay
If only I could learn
How to mean what I say
Can I ask you about today?

Sometimes I just **** things up

you've got a boyfriend
that's okay
I'm too wrapped up in my own ****
anyway

maybe someday
I'll be able to say
I like you

I've forgotten how to speak
How to write
How to type
How to communicate what I'm feeling
When I'm sat alone at night
All these thoughts swirling around my head
Trying to get out
But they get trapped by the dam
That I've built behind my mouth
My fingers break
One by one
With every keystroke that they make
And suddenly
My pens are dry
And my hands start to shake
And just when I start to think
I might be getting somewhere
My alarm goes off
It's just a dream
In real life I'd never dare
To say the things I've been thinking
Almost every day
The things that you learn you must never say
Because if you do
If for just one second you were free
That's when you become a threat to our society
You know the how the saying goes,
"Freedom is never free."
The price we pay more often than not
Is our personalities
We sell our souls to men in suits
In return for safety
My heart may beat
My lungs may fill
But am I really me?

I feel so powerless
Like I'm watching it happen all over again
I know they say history repeats itself
But if it takes you too
I don't know what I'll do

I can't help but feel like I'd be right behind you

I kept thinking it odd that you didn't call somebody closer to you
It didn't occur to me until it was too late that maybe you didn't have anyone
I'm sorry that I never properly said goodbye
I know you always looked at me as if I was somehow stronger
But the truth is that I was never very strong
I've spent the last 4 months pretending it was all a dream
But I saw you in my dreams last night
And you looked so happy
I've learned from my mistakes
I know that some smiles are fake
I think about you all the time, I hope you know
I always did, even when we didn't talk
I was trying to leave you room to grow
I didn't know
I'm sorry
I just didn't know

It's nothing new
I look at you
And look away
Just another day
That I can't find the strength to say

Anything

I can't help but feel like I am close to death
I can't help but feel like I'm wasting the life I have left

my mother asked me what my radio show theme was this week
and I told her it was songs that I like to drive through the mountains to
she laughed at me
"how often do you drive through the mountains?"
"what an oddly specific theme"
she doesn't know that I spent an hour driving in circles last night  at 1 am
because I wanted nothing more than to disappear
she doesn't know that every time I get in my car
the chances of me not coming back increase a little more

when I think about going to work
my lungs collapse
I think each time I cross that threshold
I lose a piece of myself
that I'll never get back
I long to work for a florist
because I think they must be gentle people
who understand that the world is a beautiful place
and I think I need that

my father took away my matches
so now all I have is a rubber band

I've hollowed myself out it seems
perhaps unintentionally
I feel at peace among the mountains
I'm okay with being a valley

someday the rains will fill me
and I won't be so empty anymore

it's noon and I'm already drunk
wandering around atlanta because I've misplaced my wallet
I need my id to prove I'm legal
I hate to spend 10 dollars on a beer
so we chug tall boys in a parking garage thinking,
"how did we get here?"
and nothing feels as good as the approximate size and shape
of a can in my hand
gripping it in the front row with the same intensity
as castaway gripping a raft
lifeline made of aluminum
I'm coughing between sips
there is water in my lungs
I was always afraid of drowning
there's a certain desperation in the way
that I'm trying to pretend I'm comfortable in my own skin
and this can is selling my preferred brand of serenity
"I want to be drunk for this"
in the same way
"I want to be comfortable for this"
I'd tell you it's healthy
but that'd be a lie
but you know what?
I drink cheap beer
so what
*******

she lays down the law
like she lays out her clothes
and the shade she paints her lips
is the same as the blood on her hands
heels clicking
like the cocking of a gun
she could eat you whole
and still have room for dessert

I stopped writing for a while

before that I stopped drawing
before that I stopped making videos
before that I stopped crocheting
before that I stopped reading
before that I stopped something else

I'm left to wonder
if I keep stopping
when will I run out of things to stop

I stopped leaving my bed if I can help it
and I stopped caring too much about it

I stopped writing for a while
but I'm trying to start again
it's been a while since I've had a start
maybe just starting is the hardest part

striking flames with my fingertips
to burn way the pain
smoke or incense
what’s the difference
cloudy eyes
silver haze
stumbling in a drunken daze
this hallway stretches on for days
i lost my car keys
in the lounge
i’m prone to making mistakes
this feeling’s fake
i need to run
need to run
to run
run
second to none
this moment’s done
before it begins
will the rain wash away
my sins
extinguish my fire
i was always a liar
nothing is fine

I woke up sad today.
It was one of those mornings that just begs you to pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep.
But I didn't do that.
I forced myself into a vaguely vertical position.
I managed to not fall while going down the stairs.
I cringed as I walked barefoot across the cool kitchen floor.
And I drank a protein shake that tasted like fake chocolate and coffee.
I took some vitamins.
I hugged my arms close to me because it was chilly and I was wearing a t shirt.
I went back upstairs to get dressed.
I glanced sideways at my bed from across the room.
But I didn't get back into it.
I put on my most comfortable jeans and a sweater that makes me feel safe.
I put on a pair of boots.
I removed my cat from my bed so that I could close my bedroom door.
And I did not get back into bed.

You've got girlfriend
That's okay
I'm too wrapped up in my own world
Anyway

I feel so heavy.
Like an anchor tossed to sea.
No. Actually. Not quite.
An anchor knows its purpose.
If there's lead in my chest
It's there on accident.
Poisoning my bloodstream
And,
Soon,
The ocean
As I sink to an unknown destination.

Pressure
On all sides
Pushing in on me
Smothering me
Choking me
And then it's inside me
Pushing out
And maybe I'm just caught
In the crossfire of something bigger
Getting smashed
Between two opposing forces
It doesn't even matter that much
I just need to breathe
And I can't get the air

Everything feels like it's crashing.
The director, thinking himself clever,
Has slowed down time
To show every detail of the impact.
I'm stuck,
In the same moment of disaster,
For an eternity.
Honestly?
Someone fire him please.
He's not that clever.
And I want my life back.