She runs her tongue over her purple lips
It's an almost predatory gesture
Her walk
Almost violently confident
Heels clicking
Like the cocking of a gun
Similar, but she's more dangerous

She reigns in shadows
Every night
When they coat the concrete in darkness
She returns
Heeled boots echoing in the alleyways
Weeds peeking out from cracks in the pavement
Where she had once passed

She'll pick some stray dandelions
And scatter their seeds in her garden
Beside the bones of the man
Who thought he could control her

She may have been forced into this place
But now she's in charge

People don't see her as she passes
But they can feel her
Deep in their core
She's as cold as steel
And just as strong

She rules the night
And she's a fierce ruler

A man in black clothes
Stalks a young girl
As she walks home
He's frozen in his tracks
Turned to ice
The girl reaches her home unaware

As he begins to melt onto the sidewalk
With the rising sun
Passersby comment on the intricacy of the sculpture
"Must have taken ages."
He is nothing more than a puddle by noon

As the sky turns orange
She makes the trek home
Removes her black boots
Wipes off the purple lipstick
She remembers she hasn't
Called her mother in a while
They talk about their gardens
While she boils some water for tea

You asked me what I was so afraid of
And reached out your hand
An offering
As if you could possibly shield me from my fears
What am I afraid of?
I'm afraid of everything.

I'm afraid of people
And I'm afraid of being alone
I'm afraid of ordering food
And eating in public
I'm afraid of vague responses
That can be in any way construed as hostile or unhappy

I'm afraid of not living my life
I'm afraid of living

I'm afraid of calculus
And when I don't understand something on the first try

I'm afraid of unrequited love
Both given and received
I'm afraid of disappointing others
And letting down those who are counting on me
I'm afraid of love
I'm afraid of the feeling of my heart clenching in on itself
Whenever I think about you

I'm afraid of being tortured
Physically
But I consistently torture myself mentally

I'm afraid of the fact that we're hurtling through a universe
That we know nothing about
I'm afraid of the possibility that we're alone in it
Or that we're not

I'm afraid of making too much noise
Or drawing attention to myself
Taking up too much space on public transit
Of making eye contact with a stranger
And seeing myself reflected in their eyes
I'm sure they don't like what they see
Because neither do I

I'm afraid of losing
And loss
And failure
And any other synonym thereof

I'm afraid of sleeping my life away
But I'm afraid to wake up

I'm afraid of the ocean
And boats
And bridges
I'm afraid of deep water
And its depths are the best analogy for uncertainty there ever was
And maybe that's what I'm most afraid of

No.
That's not quite right is it?
What I fear most is my constant companion
Who I can only glimpse in reflective surfaces
Spitting out her constant criticism
Not enough
Never enough

She spends her days whispering in my ear
Of all the things I have to fear

There are lots of songs about surviving heartbreak
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how getting a bad grade
Doesn't define my worth

There are lots of songs about letting go
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes
It is okay to feel overwhelmed and lost

There are lots of songs about moving on
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how messing up at work
Does not mean that I am incompetent

There are lots of songs about unrequited love
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how sometimes failure
Is impossible to avoid, and that's okay

There are lots of songs about forgiveness
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about how living
Sometimes feels like suffocating, but it won't forever

There are lots of songs about loving others
But I don't need that today
Today I need a song about learning to love myself
Because I'm having some trouble
And I need some help

Watching dust motes swirl around in beams of light
The way droplets of rain slide along the windows of my car as I drive
The reflections of streetlights on wet pavement
When flowers grow up through cracks in the sidewalk
Sleeping in late and waking up feeling whole
Rocks in the middle of a stream that are just big enough to sit on
Watching sunsets over the wetlands on my way to class
Delicate coatings of snow over trees
The sound my boots make when I walk
When my cup of tea turns out just right
Candles that burn nice and slow
When my cat rests her head on my hand and looks up at me
The smell in the air when you know Spring is coming
Wearing big sweaters and hiding my hands in the sleeves
Philosophical graffiti artists
The smell of a campfire mingling with the the forest
Walking barefoot through grass
Listening to music with my eyes closed
Watching nature reclaim abandoned buildings
Walking through the woods in October
Being awake when everyone else is sleeping
Long, warm showers
When the birds come back after the winter
Taking naps during road trips
The way that the air feels different at night