Six months ago was prom
Our anniversary
A year and three months
It certainly hadn't been perfect, but it was perfect for me

Six months ago I was happy
You made me grin from ear to ear
I had a permanent smile
Whenever anyone mentioned your name
My heart would fill with pride

Six months ago I was living a lie
You had quit a while ago
You just drug it out because you weren't sure
You weren't sure about her

Six months ago you moved on
You found someone else
You dumped me in your camouflage seat
And that was that

Six months ago you got over it
Six  months later I'm still hanging on

I don't think you did it on purpose
But as we sat and ate and talked
You weren't sitting across from me
It was just a slight angle to the right
But it made everything feel different
Like we really have broken apart

I don’t really care for cigarettes
I grew up with asthma
So the idea of anything affecting
My lungs is
Unappealing at best

But watching you light up
Inhaling that smoke
Tasting it on your beard
It’s intoxicating

Right now everything is scary
It's new, foreign
A little foggy and unclear
But there is so much potential
You have so much talent
You're not sure what exactly is going to happen
But neither am I
All I know is that
Through these last few crazy years
We've stood by each other
Solid, faithful
Always there
So strong
But now you're scared
And you've closed your eyes
Shut out the love and support
You cut the chain to the anchor holding you safely in the harbor

You're right
I've been selfish
I've been keeping Matthew
All to myself
Hoarding his affection
Storing up his kisses all over my skin
Willing myself to remember every sweet thing he says
So if I'm sad or lonely
I just have to search my brain a little bit
To feel better
Because he does that so well
He makes me feel better
And happy
And cared for
And loved
I think I'm making him feel those things too
And I want you guys to know
I don't want you to think this is some
Silly fling that I don't care about
I care
I care so so much
I want to show you
But not right now
Right now, I am trying to remember what it feels like
To be genuinely happy
And cared for
And loved
So, I'm sorry for being selfish with your friend
I just don't want this overwhelming joy to end

I hold on too long

Even after something is long dead and gone

I sit, clutching the ashes

Desperately trying to force them back

Into what used to be

How dare you treat me like a dispensable  
Nothing
I gave up so many things for you
I did so many things for you
I let go of myself for you
I loved you more than anyone ever has or ever will
But go ahead
Walk away from that
Toss me in the trash
Throw me away
Get rid of the person who
Loved you unconditionally
Cared about you more than she cared about herself
Always went out of her way to relieve your stress
She wasn't perfect, but she certainly tried
Just for you
All of that for you
You
Who couldn't see
That I am
Funny
Sweet
Caring
Loyal
Silly
Intelligent
Brave
Dedicated
Cha­rming
Honest
Clever
Unique
Witty
Beautiful
Strong
Determined
Gracious
Talented
And a million other things
Look at this list, Ryan
Look what you're missing out on
Look how selfish you're being
Look how much you've hurt me
Look in the mirror and tell me that who you see is
Really you
Tell me that he is the person doing all this
Tell me you can give all this up without batting an eye
Tell me that you never cared
Don't hold anything back
Don't lie
Tell me.
And while you're at it,
Throw in a real, heartfelt apology
Get down on your knees
Kiss my feet
And with tears in your eyes
Say "sorry" over and over
And over
For how you used me
And my generosity
For how you sat back and watched
As I drown in a love that was no longer real
Apologize for being an arrogant ****
Apologize
Because I deserve it
I deserve a lot of things
Much more than you've given me for the last half of a year
I deserve to be
Cherished
Loved
Respected and
Valued
I deserve more than what you are right now
And I want you to tell me.

You know those blank pages at the end of a book?
The ones there just to make the other pages with numbers line up?
Yeah. Those.
Those are for me.
I get to fill them with all the things that the book didn't say.
All the emotions and double meanings woven
Between the lines.
Scribbled hastily in the margins
The can all be neatly compressed into that
Great
White
Expanse at the end
All the words there mean more than any plot a chapter could hold.
These paragraphs tell a different tale.
One without page numbers or punctuation marks.
One that is constantly evolving.
Something only I understand.
Only I can see all the things I made up.
The things I let bloom from nothing into nothing.
I create stories so fantastical no would could believe them.
No one can understand.
It's all assumptions and hurt.
Compilations of innocent, mistaken gestures.
The paper holds a ticking time bomb. Waiting to explode and destroy every relationship I've ever had.
Because probably, none of it is real.
I am the protagonist and the antagonist.
The villain and the hero.
The winner and the loser.
No. Just the loser.
The stupid girl who created a magical world she couldn't escape from.
She allowed letters and words to imprison her.
And the worst part?
The words aren't even real.
But I'm still stuck between The End and the back cover. In those stupid, empty pages.
Trapped in my own delusions.

It's wrong.
That saying
The, "No one can love you until you learn to love yourself."
It's incorrect.
Senseless even.

You don't have to love yourself to have someone do the same.
In fact,
I think it's the people who don't love themselves
Are loved the most.

Others see their hurt
And reach out
Open their hearts

Let feelings of
Concern
Appreciation
Respect
Friendship

Love.
Enter in

The self-loathing one just doesn't know.
Or doesn't want to

They're blind
Eyes covered by a blindfold
Held securely in place by
Doubt
Fear
Hate
Anger
Regret
A past where something
Sometime
Lots of times
Went awry.

They can't trust themselves
Or anyone else because of that.

It's not easy to love someone like this.
It takes
Work
Determination
Persistence
Many different things

Some people will throw in the towel
Say it's too hard
Not worth it
But not everyone

A select few will stick around and love The loveless person
Shower them in appreciation
Cover them with love

So, don't think for
One
Single
Second
That you aren't loved

You are.

By me.
By others.
By God.

And all of us will be here
When you finally remove
The caked on
Mud
Dirt
The blinding debris
From experiences past

We will be here

When you can finally see just what about yourself is worth loving.

You've been abused.
*****.
Had your heart torn out and toyed with.
Utterly ruined.
Thoroughly destroyed.
From the inside.
Out.

How dare I compared my pain to yours?
It's not even in the same realm.
We exist in different galaxies.

But not really at all.

It's like comparing lying and ******.
They're both sins.  
God despises the pair.
But only one
Seems worthy of ultimate despair.

So, how dare I compare?
I can't.
Not even close.
I just have to remember.
In each of us, something broke.

I miss you
I miss holding you
I miss winking at you
I miss talking to you
I miss feeling as though I'm yours

Yeah, this new guy is exiting
I'm in love with his eyes
I care about him a lot
But I don't love his entire being
Like I do yours
I love everything about you
Really, I do
No matter what
You couldn't do anything to me to make me stop
I care too much
I love you too much
I hope you come back
In the future
I hope you see how perfect we are for each other
I hope I get to love you forever
Like I planned.

This is it.
I really ****** up this time.
I can't go back.
We can't go back.

I said the same things I've always been saying.
The words that get me close.
But never too close.
And this time, it wasn't just.
Your voice that broke.

Something inside did too.
The part that loves me.
I finally shattered it like I wanted to.

But I don't want to.
I didn't want to.
I take it back.
I love you.
I'll always love you.

Come back.

Don't walk out your door.
Don't tell me that you trust me to find my way out.
Don't leave.
Don't.

Please?

Don't be the dandelion fluff that blows away in the wind.
As if it were never there at all...

I thought you were different
And you were
Until you too hurt me
And just walked away.

If this ever goes south,

Blame me.

You know when I said I didn't think you would be able to function
Without me?
I was wrong.
So wrong.
It's me who couldn't do without you.

I love you so much.
And that's why I string you along.
That's why I have to keep you in love with me.
Because if you're not
You'll leave.

It won't be your fault either.
It will be mine.
For opening up and being stupid.
For doing so and knowing full well what will happen.
Eventually you'll have to stop caring about me
And my problems
And my happiness
And my rants.
You just will.

And then you won't be in love with me anymore
And then our relationship will change

It will gradually turn from the
Constant, steady rock it is to me now
Into crumbles
And then
To dust and
It will blow away in the wind
Before I even know
It broke.

And once again
I'll have opened up for nothing.
But it won't be your fault
I won't be mad
And eternity wouldn't be long enough
For you to wait
When I'll say,
*I don't love you.

Please don't let this be real.

Please let this be you putting up walls

But just the flimsy kind

The ones made with those cardboard bricks from kindergarten

The ones that will fall down with a simple touch.

Please let those actions be a big, fraudy front.

Fake

Please.

I'm begging you.

For most people
Dying is their biggest fear
And that
Is something I'll never understand.

I don't know why I should be afraid of going to live with my King
When he decides to call me home
Only good, shining happiness awaits for me

Sure, dying now would mean I miss somethings
I would never know marriage
Or children or grandchildren
But you can't miss something you've never had

I could leave right now and be happy
But what would make me the most content
Would be sacrifice

Each person has so much to contribute to the world
And if mine was to save someone's life
So they could change
Everything

I would be ecstatic
And that would make my life complete enough
For me to leave this earth
Fulfilled

I can feel your gaze on my face
Staring at every line, freckle, imperfection
Seeming to memorize each of them
Trying to peer into my soul
Attempting to learn everything about me
By just looking
With those eyes
Those stunning, deeply lidded, green eyes
A green that is filled with a million stories
I could get lost in those beautiful eyes
And for a while,
I just might

Your mom is blind
The kind where she can only see fuzzy outlines of shapes

You're blind, too
The kind where you can't see how much I love you

I think about you
Quite often, actually

Dreaming of what it would be like
To be together

I mean, literally dreaming
You’re in my dreams all the time

Just this morning
You were there

We were sitting in a crowd
On bleachers

And I was hold your hand
Your entire arm, actually

I wouldn’t let go
Because I had finally gotten you

And your skin was soft
So soft

It felt just like it does in real life
Those beautiful times I could touch you

It’s been years
And my dreams are still this vivid

I don’t really understand what that means
But it makes me feel...

Sadness
Loss
Comfort
Joy

A million conflicting ideas
Because every dream is so real

But in every dream we don’t end up together
And somehow even my unconscious mind

Knows that that must be how it will always be
Never quite together

At least for now

That day was very overwhelming. So many people to meet and new things to learn. I was scared, but excited because  literally anyone I met had the potential of being my friend and any boy could be my future husband, just walking around. Not knowing yet that I existed.
You groaned when you saw my twangy taste in music.
You said this radio station didn't play that.

To me, hugging is so much more than
A simple embrace
It's a chance for me to connect with you
And share

If you're happy
I'll share in your joy
Let the happiness flit around my being
And soak it it

But not like a sponge,
I don't want to take it
More like a mirror
To let it be a part of me
And the reflect it back again at you
To increase
Always adding to

If you're sad, it's different
This will be a long touch
Me clinging to you, you clinging to me

Now is the time to be a sponge
I soak up all the bad
It's gone
You won't have it anymore
At least not in the same way

And that joy from the other times?
While the hurt flows from you into me
Through my left arm
My right is coursing with
Positivity and bliss
Straight into your soul

So next time we hug
Or even just touch
Know that it wasn't accidental
Or that it didn't mean anything
Because to both of us
It meant so very, very much

I need a hug
Not a one-armed squeeze
Not a quick touch
I need a hug
The kind of embrace that says something
That gives meaning to the phrase
"Actions speak louder than words"
One that is safe and secure
Warm and cozy
Strong and tangible
Stress free and personal

I need the kind of hug that says,
"It's ok.
I know it's rough but you're strong.
Too strong sometimes.
It's alright to let down those walls you've built.
Let them go.
I'm here.
I'll fix you.
I'll stay.
You don't have to be tough anymore,
That's what I'm for."

That's the kind of hug I need.

You're not you
I love you
You are happy
You like to have fun
You enjoy my presence
You kiss me all over
You aren't drowning in life
But this person who I hung onto for the last six months,
He's not you
I don't love him
He's stressed out
He doesn't care
He no longer loves me
But I firmly believe that he's not you
So I'll just wait for you to come back
Because I really believe you will

I see my eyes flashing
Leaping from word to word
Getting lost in the script
I hear my voice cutting
Slicing through the ends of syllables
Spitting out the text
I can feel my hands shaking
Longing to grip something
To squeeze the life out of it
I can feel my heart racing
Bubbling over in anger
Filling with hurt
And that's why I can never read it to you
You can't know my real feelings
They would break you like they broke me

If my skin could talk,
it would tell tales about every mark, blemish and scar.
It would fondly remember the day each freckle arrived,
and how the sun had kissed it and
left a permanent reminder of that day.
It would ooze hard work and the
sweat that accompanies such accomplishments.
It would rave about all the wonderful places it has been and all the people it has touched and been touched by.
It would profess its love of texture and materials.
It would call out, begging to be near to another,
Longing for the warmth and love of affection.
If my skin could talk,
It would not worry about being anything but itself.
It would not be concerned with its hue
or that it had a different amount of melanin than another.
It would not hate when it came into contact with something not like itself.
No, instead it would draw the outsider in
surround itself with this foreigner,
learning the marks, blemishes and scars of the new individual, recognizing similarities and embracing contrasting characteristics.

If my my skin could talk, it wouldn’t see; it would feel.

I like being happy
I like laughing
Smiling
Having tears roll down my cheeks is joy

I like being happy
Having fun
Hanging out
Just being with people I love

I like being happy
I don't like being sad

And that's why I write.

I'm trying to fill this page and
This world with words
That mean something.
They make a difference;
An impact.
They change the world
Shape a mind
Save a life.
They lift themselves from this
Small
White sheet and
Fill a room.
Jump into the air
Fill it with color and
Brightness
They're so much more than the
Black and
White text,
Letters and
Paper that contain them.
They're full.
They breathe life into the reader.
Inspire.
Change.
Influence.
Heal.
The letters take this broken reader,
YOU
Your problems.
They wrap you up.
Encase and
Surround you.
Breathing new,
Fresh air and thoughts through you.
May these words forever change you and
Your soul.
Let them enter your mind.
Give THEM the control.
Sure they're outsiders.
They don't know you.
Not yet, but only
Because they haven't gotten the chance.
They can make a difference.
I promise.
They sure did to me.
They freed my mind
And my heart.
I don't hurt so much anymore.
Things make more sense
All because these words became…
My friends.

When we're together
I can pretend
I can act like I don't care
Talk to you like you're nothing
Like you don't affect me
Like it doesn't hurt anymore
I can pretend I'm happy you're working things out with her
But when I look at your face and close my eyes
It all comes back
I can remember the feel of your skin on mine
The shape of your lips
Lovingly enveloping mine
I can feel our hands intertwined
I remember what your hug feels like
How I could squeeze you tight and feel your bones
I still remember the exact feeling of my fingers on your jaw
Just like it was yesterday
It was six months ago today
And I still can't forget
I don't think I ever will

I got a notification today.
It said, "Jenn's Birthday"
It had smiles and a heart
A heart
But that heart isn't love anymore
The smiles are no longer happy
They're all forgotten
Just like you forgot me
And how I made you feel
And how I loved you
And you loved me
Unfortunately, the iPod didn't forget
I got a notification telling me what used to be
What isn't anymore.

You are so intoxicating
I am already an addict
Hopelessly craving your kiss
Anxiously waiting for your
Lips to touch my skin
And then I am lost
My brain is tripping
On the sensation
And all the feelings that accompany your lips
When you leave
I count down the hours
Until I will see you again
Already lusting for the next fix
Of you and everything you are
Wanting for the rush of emotions
Coursing through my veins with unequaled passion
Flooding my brain with impossibly beautiful scenarios

You're just another.
Another boy amongst the hordes of others
You're no different
No more tactful
No more helpful

You hurt me
And barely care
You didn't know what to do
Or say
So you walked away

You are just another
Who left

We walked
We talked
We sat
I spoke
You listened
You talked
I understood
I think you understood me too
It was nice
I was honest
But now I'm not so sure about what I said
I don't know if we can be more
I just don't know...

You look like someone I could fix
We could talk
Share
Be broken together

That's my thing
Fixing people is my specialty
I give advice
Counsel
Help them

If only if it were that easy
For me

Rilke is wrong
Life isn't right
There is too much pain
Too much hurt
Not enough light

The darkness consumes
It cannot be beat
One must just stand all alone
Shaking from head down to feet

He has to fight the outside
To improve the within
The bleakness is heavy
His strength is wearing thin

How much longer can he fight
To feel goodness and warmth
When wrong seems so easy
Cold, evil winds blow in from the north

Chilled to the bone
From a murderous gust
He digs deep in his brain
To remember to trust

Memories spring to life
The blackness fades to grey
His face smiles a bit
And suddenly, it is not such a horrible day

His soul begins to warm
He envisions a time
When someone picked him up so high
His spirit continues to climb

All darkness is gone now
The gloomy shadow has passed
Sunshine has replaced it
Out it has been cast

It is not finished forever
This he surely knows
But next time he will be ready
To stand firm until over it blows

Life may not be right
But perhaps it's not wrong
He realizes this now
And right now
He is immeasurably strong

I hate movies.
I hate stories.
Fantasies.
Happy endings.
They lie
They say,
"Don't worry
You'll defy the odds
You'll make it
That stupid
Worthless
Meaningless
Fake
High school relation ship will last.
Jump headfirst into love
You won't get hurt
He'll love you forever
At seventeen you've decided your future
It doesn't matter
This is it
This will work
Just like a fairytale
You're Cinderella
And he's your prince."
Stop.
Stop lying to little girls
Stop telling them,
"It's not that hard
All you have to do it be yourself
You'll find someone.
He'll be everything.
He'll fix you .
He'll help you.
He'll drop everything for you.
You two being together is the only thing that matters.
Love will always win."

Just once I want to see a movie without a happy ending.
The girl falls
Hard.
So does the boy.
But then things get in the way.
Friends.
College.
Life.
And suddenly
Love is no longer available
It's over for the boy.
But not the girl.
She gets her heart ripped out
Shattered.
Her world is turned upside down.
People would cry.
Feel her pain.
The audience would shed tears
Not because they wished they could have a love like hers
But because they hope they never have to feel that
That they never have to experience that.
Because it reminds them of real, difficult life
There would be no floating words saying,
"And they lived happily ever after"
There would be no happy music
Just rain
And pain
And tears.
But at least it would be real
Everyone would finally stop lying.

Do you wanna be my friends again?
Please come back and stay
I can't talk to you anymore
How long are we going to do this for?
We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I know exactly why
I will take all the blame
I just want things to be the same

Do you wanna come back in my life?
We can sit together at lunch again
Me texting you is overdue
I have no one to talk to
What happened to how things had been?
It's a little lonely
All these empty stares

Please I know they're in there
Those feelings you used to have
I know that they're still in there
Give me another chance, let me back in
We only had each other
Now we're both alone
It feels like I have no air

Do you wanna come to me again?

No? Okay, bye.