I have stopped eating as much as usual

It just does not seem so necessary

And besides,

This way my empty heart has

My empty stomach to keep it company

Holding yourself in the shower
Waiting for tears to fall
Just
Isn't
The
Same
As having someone clinging to you
Waiting
To catch them when they fall.

Who knew a verb form could hurt so much?
It's just an extra letter
A D on the end of a word
An "am" to "was"
It makes it different than it was before
It means it was
It's no longer
It's done.
A few simple characters shattered my world
It turned "care" to "cared"
From "You make me happy."
To
"You used to make me happy."
"Love" to "loved."
To you I changed
I changed text
Just like the words
I was
and now
I am
No more
Because I am
Past Tense.

You and I
Different,
But inextricably linked
Together

You said it perfectly,
We are two sides of the same coin

Today, I realized that I'm a foot.

And not just the bones, ligaments and muscles

A body part with an attitude

See, I get cocky.

I think,

"Wow. You are the foot. You get the entire body where it needs to go. You support all the weight; bear all the load. You're in control."

It wasn't until today that I realized

That what being a foot really means

Is that I get

Dirtied

And stepped on

And controlled

By everything else above me.

The walls are lined with figures
Studies
Sketches
Paintings
All filled with colorful bodies
Moving
Dancing
Undulating
So, why is it that a drawing
Graphite
Bones
Skulls
Seems the most alive?

You used to write me poetry

Now all you feel is anxiety

And I am left with what used to be

You just joined a very elite group
You were first a member of the
Boys I've Liked Society
Then you moved onto the
Boys I've Kissed Club
But tonight you jumped through the ranks
Straight
To
The Top
By saying that one sentence
Something so small
But so hurtful
You made me cry with one
Simple
Spoken sentence
Only one other person has ever done that
So congratulations, Corporal
You've been promoted.

This is the end

There is no coming back this time

I set fire to the bridge

You so carefully walked on before

It went up in flames

And I let it happen

I thought that's what I wanted

That in the end

It was better for both of us

But now

All I want is to come

Crashing

Barreling

Sprinting across

The swinging rope bridge

Into your heart

Arms

And mind

But I can't go back now

Because flames destroy

I wish I wasn't such  pyromaniac

Playing around with fire

And your heart

I like you.
But only kinda.

You love me.
With all your heart.

That's a problem.

I think that sometimes
It is easier to think of rain
As the tears of a thousand souls
Than just a simple weather phenomena

In my dreams you’re just as unattainable as in my waking life. But at least in my dreams I can touch you.

I didn't mean it like that
I didn't mean to make it sound like a personal attack
I didn't mean to fill your head with thoughts that shouldn't exist
I didn't mean for you to think like me
I didn't mean for you to be afraid
I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't mean to cause doubts
Because doubts eat at your insides
They gnaw your vital organs
And to live,
You have to get rid of the doubts
And that would mean
Getting rid of me
And I certainly did not mean that.

I went to Rue 21
I wanted to get something new
To feel beautiful and well dressed
I chose things and went to the dressing room
One by one I tried them
I put things on
I tried to feel pretty
Elegant
Loved
But I couldn't do it
So I cried
Right there in the dressing room
Like a two year old who hasn't gotten her way
Because I hadn't
I hadn't' gotten my way
I didn't get to feel pretty anymore
And most importantly
I didn't get you

Your sheets
Are surprisingly attracted
To my tears

**** the system.
The regimalized plan
That "Works for Everyone. "
That funnels persons from
Different backgrounds
And stories
And wounds
Down into the
Same
Dark
Lonely
Standard
Tired
Broken
****** up mass of ****.

Instead of helping
Your "Standard Procedure"
Just added to
The beaten down
Bleeding
Non-believing
Exhausted
Pile of hurt.

Single
Something I haven't really been in three years

Individual
Something I have always been
Unique
A little weird
My own person

Unaccompanied*
I don't need accompaniment
I make my own music

Free
I can do what I want
Kiss who I want
Talk to who I want
Dance with who I want
Flirt with who I want
Do anything I want
It's even nicer than I thought

Alone
Something I've never been and never will be
I have family
Friends
Lots of people who love me

I might be single, but I'm never ever alone.

Tonight
Standing at the sink
In the bathroom
I remembered

I remembered that
Eventually,
When we don't live
Happily ever after
That you'll be gone

And I'll be sad
And confused
And a different kind of empty than I've ever felt before.

You'd think it would hurt, seeing your all the time
Deep stabs to my heart when I catch your eye
But I'm so glad we get to see each other everyday
Those little moments mean so much
A glance, a nod, a tap from your umbrella
Anything to let me know you still care
Even if it's just a little bit
And out of habit
But soon, you won't be here anymore
I won't see you
You won't see me
You'll fade away
And I'll be so sad
The dull pain will lessen maybe, but
This slow ache is going to **** me

They say small towns stay small for a reason:
Everyone hates them so much that they don't come back.

But that's not true.

Small towns stay small because
They're filled with so many broken hearts that no one can possibly salvage
Those messy, ruined pieces
Into something that works again.

Sometimes I wonder
Why?
Why am I so worried people will leave me?
It's because of
Chris
And Tanner
And Hayden

I let them get to me
Under my skin
I trusted them
So I opened up
And it felt good
And right and freeing

But look around me now.
They're not here
They learned all my quirks
And insecurities
What made me happy and sad
Smile and cry
And then they left
With barely a backwards glance

That's why I don't want you to go
Because South Carolina
Will bring you new people
People who are worth leaving me for.

No
Don't text me
I can't do this
We can only be friends
I can't have you as my identity
Commitment is out of the question
I won't be able to love you
I'm too broken
I can't truly care
It won't happen
I won't let it
I don't even know who I am
How am I supposed to know who "we" are
Or would be
It's easier to not care
So I won't
Not now

I have been thinking it
For a while
I know it's only been a few weeks
But after you read that poem to me
And I got a glimpse
Further into your mind
I realized that
I love you
I'm not in love
Yet
But I am sure that will come
You're easy to fall for

To the tears escaping:
Stop.
Stay.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Don't go.
Stay inside.  
It's been like
Six months
Why now?
I don't what's going on.
I'm not sure what's happening.
Stay in my eyes.
Keep my irises company.
Don't leave.
That happens enough.

To the thoughts swirling around in my mind:
You too.
Stop.
You're bad and you know it.
You'll hurt me.
You'll break my heart again.
I don't need you.
You're useless.
You're only good for pain.
And loss.
So unlike my tears.
Feel free to see yourself to the door.

To the feelings my heart:
You too can leave.
You're unwelcome.
You're even worse than the thoughts
Because you're real.
You are the ones who hold the real power.
The power to cause so much more.
More pain than thoughts.
More pain than tears.
More pain than a slip on the ice.
A knife cut too deep.
More pain than being burned alive.
Because this is scorching from the inside.

Your truck knows it all
It contains our whole relationship
It knows the beginning, middle and end

I loved seeing those lights
Knowing you were driving to come pick me up
It made me really happy
And sometimes
Even a little nervous
But in a good way

In the summertime
We had the windows rolled down because it was hot
In the winter it was cold
But we'd find a place to park and make it July warm
I almost lost my innocence in that passenger seat

We did so much in that truck
We talked
Laughed
Shared
Kissed
Argued
Cried
Stressed
Freaked out
Held each other
Loved

That truck knows it all
Those camouflage seat covers still hold our passionate sweat
The drooping brownish red ceiling absorbed all our words, feelings and keeps them there
Even today
The plastic in front of the gas gauge doesn't feel as whole without one of my pictures covering it
The center console probably still holds one of my notes
Saying how much I love about you
Who knows, the glovebox still may hold my garter
The lace with a tear on it from prom
When the truck heard you say you didn't care anymore

That truck holds everything
All the feelings and emotions
Maybe not so close to the surface anymore
But it will never forget the stuff you've let yourself unremember
That maroon Chevy still loves me
Even if you don't.

That scar
Makes you who you are

That red line from your right eyebrow to the top of your lip
New eyes are drawn to it
Who's that boy, what happened to him?

The answer: so many things
You've been through a lot
Not just superficial pain like that permanent remind on an otherwise perfect face
Emotional too
Their divorce
The cheating
Her
Her
Her
And her
Having to grow up fast just to help
You have had to be so much
When you were so little
So many other things no one knows

And I think you hold all those emotions in that scar
That scarlet reminder is small, but it holds so much

That describes you as a person
You seem small
Not that intelligent
Simple-minded
But are you simple-minded just to protect yourself?

I could have fixed you
You could have let me in
I never would have hurt you
But now that scar stays superficial

What's behind it, I'll never really know
You let go

When I like someone
I like to picture them
At the end of the aisle
In a tux and bow tie
Smiling at me
Like they will be
For the rest of my life

And so far,
You're the only one who was believable.

I'm an actress
Everyday
I put on my mask and go out in the world
I act like I don't care
Like I'm fine
Like it doesn't really bother me
Like every single couple doesn't get in my head
Like it doesn't hurt me to say your name
On stage, I'm not as good
My "real" emotions don't come across as well
I can't cover up the mask I wear everyday with another one
A fake one
I'm artificial enough as it it
I'm superficial
I don't let people in
They know as much as I want them to and no more
People will never understand
I'm a world class thespian
But no one knows

I had the most horrible dream last night
About you
And her

It was your wedding
I was helping set up
Why was I doing that?

It was dark that day
Dreary
It looked like rain

I went home to change and fix my hair
But didn't have enough time
So I came back
Just the same as before

I stood in the back as she walked down the aisle
In a pink dress
Who wears pink to a wedding?

She stood up there at the altar
With you
And you looked

So
Sad

I realized that when the preacher asked
If anyone had objections
That I would have to speak

I couldn't let you end up with her
I couldn't stand to see you be with her
Unhappy
Forever.

So the parson spoke
And then so did I
I didn't care if the whole town in attendance hated me

I would rather have people hate me than see you unhappy
So I spoke
And you know what happened?

She laughed
That lady who I used to go to church with
And then that was that.

He finished and you two were married
But then, you disappeared
And everyone forgot about you

The only attention anyone paid was to you
That is not how a marriage should be
It's two people
Not one.

I made sure she didn't hate me
I didn't speak out because of her
I spoke out because of you
And how I hate seeing you unhappy

But all I could think about was you
And how you were doomed to an unhappy life
For the rest of your days

And then I woke up
Freezing
And not just because the temperature had dropped in our room

The lake in my town is
Beautiful
Calming
Crisp and blue

But only if I look from a certain distance.
Until I break the smooth, glass surface and dive down
Run, jump off the dock and splash
I've  shattered the calm

I'm in the water
It's surrounding me
Cooling me down
Wrapping me up
Bringing me pleasure by its simple existence

Still underwater, I open my eyes
This is not what it seemed
This isn't how it should be
It's dark
Swirling
I can't see anything
It's all green, full of foreign things

I put my feet down
And they sink into mud
How can this be?
How can something so shining and clear be so...
So different than it seems?

It's *****
Through no fault of its own
Full of sticks and silt and plants
All these, these things invaded the lake
Cluttered it up
Took it over

It was powerless to resist
It couldn't
Do
Anything
A victim of circumstance
A battered man in the side of the highway with no Good Samaritan to come to the rescue

For years
It just is
Crashing, pulling, ebbing, flowing
Hiding
Concealing the mess it really is
Just a few feet down

Don't be sad for Silver Lake
All hope is not lost
It doesn't have to be this way forever
The DNR is going to dredge it

It will take time
But eventually
The lake will be clean
No mud
No tree branches
No blue-green algae
It will be free of all the stifling pressure
Of everything it's been holding in for so long

Then,
It will be just how it looks to me now
Beautiful
Precious
Lovely
Pure
Bright
Calm

Free.

I am writing this to remind you
Of what used to be
And still is

There is still a light
At the end of the tunnel

Right now,
It's dark
Gone
Black
Non-existent

Maybe it's been 20 years without light
Maybe you've only ever seen
Small swatches
Shadows dancing on the walls
Only to look again
And see nothing but an
Empty
Dark plane
Void of anything
Especially happiness

But just because you can't see it
Doesn't mean it's not there
And what a shame it would be
To give up without ever knowing
How close you were
To the brilliant
Joyful
Saving
Light.

We broke up yesterday
And we weren't even dating

But it feels exactly the same as I remember
It's just like last April

I'm staring at your from across the lunchroom
Knowing I shouldn't

But hoping and praying
I'll catch your eye

I just want to see you smile at me again
Like you used to

So in love
So perfect for me

I want to text you
Talk to you

Tell you about my day
Read your funny messages

But I can't
Because I broke the part of you that cares about me

And I can't get it back
So I'll have to live with what I so desperately desired

But now I know that I never wanted that
And could never handle you going away

Life is still going on
But it's not as fun

And it's only been a day
I'm so lost

Please don't let this be permanent
Please accept my apology

Please don't stop
Loving me

There has to be a reason
That I can't let you
I won't allow you to escape
My mind

There has to be a reason
That no matter what I try
I am not able to love
Anyone else

There has to be a reason
That I still trust you
Even though you lied to me
Countless times

There has to be a reason
That I would give you another chance
I would open my heart
For you to break it all over again

The vent in the room where I work is not working
It's failing
It's not doing its job
Vents are supposed to take all the bad air
And purify it
Different than it used to be
Make it new

But the one in HyVee must be broken
Because it just keeps recycling the same air
The stagnant memories from last summer
My frantic thoughts of what I did wrong
And how to get you back

Those got stuck
They became mold spores up in the cracks
Continuing to grow
Months,
Almost a year later
And they continue to circulate
Around the room
And in my mind

I'll have to talk to management
So we can get a new fan.

"Then, what is this?"
You asked.

The answer?
Hell if I know

That's a lie.
I do know.

It's everything I can give you right now.
All of me.

Except,
That's a lie too.

It's every part of me,
But a small bit.

That I keep.
To myself.

So I don't get hurt.
And you don't get too close.

So this
Is me protecting myself.

And hurting you.

You know that thing about not knowing what you have until it's gone?

Well, I did know. But I wanted you gone anyway.

So you would stop loving me. So I wouldn't break you.

But now all I want is to have you back. Because this time, I broke me.

There is something about you
There is a deep darkness lurking all too close to the surface
You cut those lines and let it out
Let the blades trace a path for the pain to follow
You let it escape
But the fleeing darkness invites in something worse
Thoughts that say
Deeper
Deeper
It wouldn't be too difficult to end it all
But don't
Don't do it
Know there is brightness waiting for you
Maybe I can be that light
Show Jesus into your life
Just be a friend
A small glimmer of hope in the darkest of nights
I can be that for you
You don't even have to ask

You pig-headed ****
Don't you dare tell me how I feel
I know I am no more entitled than
You or anyone else
I just want you to know that I care
That I'm stressed
That I'm trying so hard to make this perfect
That I have tunnel vision
And that the pinprick of light
At the end
Is him

Kissing you seemed like such good idea
Our faces were close
You were holding me
I was holding you back
You said,
"You have no idea how hard it is to control myself right now."
So I thought,
"Don't."
I threw caution to the wind
And I kissed you
There weren't rockets
No explosions
I wasn't even really nervous
That freaked me out
I pulled away and cried
Partly because I wasn't as confused as I should have been
Partly because it confirmed some things
I'm a horrible person for kissing you
And doing it twice at that
I'm going to ruin you
Break your heart
Not on purpose
But I will
And it will hurt me too

It's not like I hate myself
I really don't
But I'll never understand
Why people would waste their breath
Or their time
On me

There are so many more noble things
And people that need more help
I have nothing really wrong with my life
Others should spend their time elsewhere

So save your breath
Conserve your words
Share them with someone else

Because it's not like I hate myself
I just don't need you to care.

I really wish I could make you stop loving me.

But I don't know what I would do if that ever happened. So don't. Don't stop.

I shouldn't have done it
I should have never told you
I opened the door
Things escaped
They ran out and invaded my brain
Again
I shut the door
But couldn't quite put everything back
Where it was before

Remember "Rocking Chairs"?

Are you still going to want me there then?

I don't understand how you could.

I love your huge green eyes
I love your bony, jointy hands
What a perfect fit
I love when you rub my leg,
Almost absent-mindedly
I love when you glance over at me and smile
I love when you kiss me
I love it even more when you pull away
And we both smile
I love when you hug me and hold on tight
I love listening to you talk about your family
I love staying up until 6am on the cold, janky stairs
I love our picnic of grapes and mac and cheese
I love when you walk up behind me and
Press yourself into my back
I love how your write
I love those ridiculous floral flip flops
I love that sweatshirt you stole from your mom
You look so carefree and cuddly when you wear it
I love the effortless way you dress
I love listening to you sing
I love your Conrad Birdie swagger
I love having tiny dance parties with you backstage
I love not feeling like I have to hold onto my thoughts
I love when you open up to me
I love how hard you're working to make yourself better
I love how much you love your friends
And how much they love you
I love that you didn't tell me what I should do
You just said, "I think you know what you should do."
I love that I don't have to guess how you feel about me
Or wonder if you care
Everything you do shows me how much you do
I love anticipating your messages
I love how free and easy this is
I love that you make me want to write poetry