I don't think you did it on purpose
But as we sat and ate and talked
You weren't sitting across from me
It was just a slight angle to the right
But it made everything feel different
Like we really have broken apart

The lake in my town is
Beautiful
Calming
Crisp and blue

But only if I look from a certain distance.
Until I break the smooth, glass surface and dive down
Run, jump off the dock and splash
I've  shattered the calm

I'm in the water
It's surrounding me
Cooling me down
Wrapping me up
Bringing me pleasure by its simple existence

Still underwater, I open my eyes
This is not what it seemed
This isn't how it should be
It's dark
Swirling
I can't see anything
It's all green, full of foreign things

I put my feet down
And they sink into mud
How can this be?
How can something so shining and clear be so...
So different than it seems?

It's *****
Through no fault of its own
Full of sticks and silt and plants
All these, these things invaded the lake
Cluttered it up
Took it over

It was powerless to resist
It couldn't
Do
Anything
A victim of circumstance
A battered man in the side of the highway with no Good Samaritan to come to the rescue

For years
It just is
Crashing, pulling, ebbing, flowing
Hiding
Concealing the mess it really is
Just a few feet down

Don't be sad for Silver Lake
All hope is not lost
It doesn't have to be this way forever
The DNR is going to dredge it

It will take time
But eventually
The lake will be clean
No mud
No tree branches
No blue-green algae
It will be free of all the stifling pressure
Of everything it's been holding in for so long

Then,
It will be just how it looks to me now
Beautiful
Precious
Lovely
Pure
Bright
Calm

Free.

Sometimes I wonder
Why?
Why am I so worried people will leave me?
It's because of
Chris
And Tanner
And Hayden

I let them get to me
Under my skin
I trusted them
So I opened up
And it felt good
And right and freeing

But look around me now.
They're not here
They learned all my quirks
And insecurities
What made me happy and sad
Smile and cry
And then they left
With barely a backwards glance

That's why I don't want you to go
Because South Carolina
Will bring you new people
People who are worth leaving me for.

I want to ask you everything and nothing
I want to know all of you
I want to dig down to the bottom
Dredge your lake
Find out everything
The good, the bad
And the unthinkable

I'm just worried
That if I search too deep
Go too far
Push too hard
That the only thing I'll be left with
Is a corpse

There will be parts of you
Remnants
Pieces
Maybe just shards
Floating on top of waves
Being pushed and pulled for eternity
Because I wanted to know too much

Please don't let this be real.

Please let this be you putting up walls

But just the flimsy kind

The ones made with those cardboard bricks from kindergarten

The ones that will fall down with a simple touch.

Please let those actions be a big, fraudy front.

Fake

Please.

I'm begging you.

How could I not know?
Not sense your pain?
Not understand your low?
Why didn't you say?
How did I not notice?
Do you always keep things to yourself in that way?

How can I be so uncaring?
You listen to me
Never complaining, never comparing
You put up with my senseless babble
Words that don't really mean anything
Just stupid, girly, meaningless thoughts
You listen to me, never revealing your internal battle
You know everything about me
I know so little about you
What thoughts of pain fill your mind; what kind of debris

I thought we were friends
The very best kind
We shared ice cream and secrets
But now I realize that bond is all in my self-centered mind
I was so selfish
And it's all my fault
I never knew life for you had been so hellish

I hope you tell me why
I hope you open up
I hope you yell and scream and cry
Tell me what's been eating your guts
Hold nothing back
Explain every one of the deep cuts

What made it happen?
Who could it be?
How could something your joy ever flatten?
What's going on in your brain?
I don't understand
Tell me everything, do not refrain

Tell me, trust me
Just don't slip back into that dark place again
My steadfast loyalty is a guarantee
Just like Jake
I can be here too
That pain can be something I finally shut up and take.

The vent in the room where I work is not working
It's failing
It's not doing its job
Vents are supposed to take all the bad air
And purify it
Different than it used to be
Make it new

But the one in HyVee must be broken
Because it just keeps recycling the same air
The stagnant memories from last summer
My frantic thoughts of what I did wrong
And how to get you back

Those got stuck
They became mold spores up in the cracks
Continuing to grow
Months,
Almost a year later
And they continue to circulate
Around the room
And in my mind

I'll have to talk to management
So we can get a new fan.

You're just another.
Another boy amongst the hordes of others
You're no different
No more tactful
No more helpful

You hurt me
And barely care
You didn't know what to do
Or say
So you walked away

You are just another
Who left

I went to Rue 21
I wanted to get something new
To feel beautiful and well dressed
I chose things and went to the dressing room
One by one I tried them
I put things on
I tried to feel pretty
Elegant
Loved
But I couldn't do it
So I cried
Right there in the dressing room
Like a two year old who hasn't gotten her way
Because I hadn't
I hadn't' gotten my way
I didn't get to feel pretty anymore
And most importantly
I didn't get you

You know when I said I didn't think you would be able to function
Without me?
I was wrong.
So wrong.
It's me who couldn't do without you.

I love you so much.
And that's why I string you along.
That's why I have to keep you in love with me.
Because if you're not
You'll leave.

It won't be your fault either.
It will be mine.
For opening up and being stupid.
For doing so and knowing full well what will happen.
Eventually you'll have to stop caring about me
And my problems
And my happiness
And my rants.
You just will.

And then you won't be in love with me anymore
And then our relationship will change

It will gradually turn from the
Constant, steady rock it is to me now
Into crumbles
And then
To dust and
It will blow away in the wind
Before I even know
It broke.

And once again
I'll have opened up for nothing.
But it won't be your fault
I won't be mad
And eternity wouldn't be long enough
For you to wait
When I'll say,
*I don't love you.

Right now everything is scary
It's new, foreign
A little foggy and unclear
But there is so much potential
You have so much talent
You're not sure what exactly is going to happen
But neither am I
All I know is that
Through these last few crazy years
We've stood by each other
Solid, faithful
Always there
So strong
But now you're scared
And you've closed your eyes
Shut out the love and support
You cut the chain to the anchor holding you safely in the harbor

No
Don't text me
I can't do this
We can only be friends
I can't have you as my identity
Commitment is out of the question
I won't be able to love you
I'm too broken
I can't truly care
It won't happen
I won't let it
I don't even know who I am
How am I supposed to know who "we" are
Or would be
It's easier to not care
So I won't
Not now

I can feel your gaze on my face
Staring at every line, freckle, imperfection
Seeming to memorize each of them
Trying to peer into my soul
Attempting to learn everything about me
By just looking
With those eyes
Those stunning, deeply lidded, green eyes
A green that is filled with a million stories
I could get lost in those beautiful eyes
And for a while,
I just might

What I wouldn't give
To lean into you
And feel you press back into me
To place a quick kiss on your neck
When no one is looking
To stay up until 4am
Gossiping about nothing
To know you're still in love with me
And you plan to stay that way
To be promised forever
And have that promise be kept

I like being happy
I like laughing
Smiling
Having tears roll down my cheeks is joy

I like being happy
Having fun
Hanging out
Just being with people I love

I like being happy
I don't like being sad

And that's why I write.

I hold on too long

Even after something is long dead and gone

I sit, clutching the ashes

Desperately trying to force them back

Into what used to be

I got a notification today.
It said, "Jenn's Birthday"
It had smiles and a heart
A heart
But that heart isn't love anymore
The smiles are no longer happy
They're all forgotten
Just like you forgot me
And how I made you feel
And how I loved you
And you loved me
Unfortunately, the iPod didn't forget
I got a notification telling me what used to be
What isn't anymore.

They say small towns stay small for a reason:
Everyone hates them so much that they don't come back.

But that's not true.

Small towns stay small because
They're filled with so many broken hearts that no one can possibly salvage
Those messy, ruined pieces
Into something that works again.

He doesn't cling to you just because he loves you.

He holds you that close so you can't ever let go.

I talk so things make sense
I try and apply words to situations
I try and make people feel things
Help them understand and comprehend

I babble to fill the emptiness
In the air
In the world
In people's hearts

Words take up space
They're decorative fluff
Syllables I'm constantly filling
Just so no one calls my bluff

I don't know anything
I haven't a clue
Hopefully my talking helps someone, anyone
Know what to do

You'd think it would hurt, seeing your all the time
Deep stabs to my heart when I catch your eye
But I'm so glad we get to see each other everyday
Those little moments mean so much
A glance, a nod, a tap from your umbrella
Anything to let me know you still care
Even if it's just a little bit
And out of habit
But soon, you won't be here anymore
I won't see you
You won't see me
You'll fade away
And I'll be so sad
The dull pain will lessen maybe, but
This slow ache is going to **** me

Holding yourself in the shower
Waiting for tears to fall
Just
Isn't
The
Same
As having someone clinging to you
Waiting
To catch them when they fall.

Your mom is blind
The kind where she can only see fuzzy outlines of shapes

You're blind, too
The kind where you can't see how much I love you

It's not like I hate myself
I really don't
But I'll never understand
Why people would waste their breath
Or their time
On me

There are so many more noble things
And people that need more help
I have nothing really wrong with my life
Others should spend their time elsewhere

So save your breath
Conserve your words
Share them with someone else

Because it's not like I hate myself
I just don't need you to care.

When we're together
I can pretend
I can act like I don't care
Talk to you like you're nothing
Like you don't affect me
Like it doesn't hurt anymore
I can pretend I'm happy you're working things out with her
But when I look at your face and close my eyes
It all comes back
I can remember the feel of your skin on mine
The shape of your lips
Lovingly enveloping mine
I can feel our hands intertwined
I remember what your hug feels like
How I could squeeze you tight and feel your bones
I still remember the exact feeling of my fingers on your jaw
Just like it was yesterday
It was six months ago today
And I still can't forget
I don't think I ever will

You're not you
I love you
You are happy
You like to have fun
You enjoy my presence
You kiss me all over
You aren't drowning in life
But this person who I hung onto for the last six months,
He's not you
I don't love him
He's stressed out
He doesn't care
He no longer loves me
But I firmly believe that he's not you
So I'll just wait for you to come back
Because I really believe you will

You're sweet
You make me laugh
You have great hands
You're dense as hell
I want you to hold my hand
All the time
Walking into your room was great
I could see how childish and fun you are
But I'm worried
I want you to know what you're doing
I don't want to get hurt because of your lack of experience
I can't see us together
Because I can't see myself opening up like I need to
I can't
I won't
I'm scared.

There has to be a reason
That I can't let you
I won't allow you to escape
My mind

There has to be a reason
That no matter what I try
I am not able to love
Anyone else

There has to be a reason
That I still trust you
Even though you lied to me
Countless times

There has to be a reason
That I would give you another chance
I would open my heart
For you to break it all over again

You pig-headed ****
Don't you dare tell me how I feel
I know I am no more entitled than
You or anyone else
I just want you to know that I care
That I'm stressed
That I'm trying so hard to make this perfect
That I have tunnel vision
And that the pinprick of light
At the end
Is him

I have been thinking it
For a while
I know it's only been a few weeks
But after you read that poem to me
And I got a glimpse
Further into your mind
I realized that
I love you
I'm not in love
Yet
But I am sure that will come
You're easy to fall for

I like you.
But only kinda.

You love me.
With all your heart.

That's a problem.

The walls are lined with figures
Studies
Sketches
Paintings
All filled with colorful bodies
Moving
Dancing
Undulating
So, why is it that a drawing
Graphite
Bones
Skulls
Seems the most alive?

You used to write me poetry

Now all you feel is anxiety

And I am left with what used to be

You and I
Different,
But inextricably linked
Together

You said it perfectly,
We are two sides of the same coin

I miss you
I miss holding you
I miss winking at you
I miss talking to you
I miss feeling as though I'm yours

Yeah, this new guy is exiting
I'm in love with his eyes
I care about him a lot
But I don't love his entire being
Like I do yours
I love everything about you
Really, I do
No matter what
You couldn't do anything to me to make me stop
I care too much
I love you too much
I hope you come back
In the future
I hope you see how perfect we are for each other
I hope I get to love you forever
Like I planned.

I had the most horrible dream last night
About you
And her

It was your wedding
I was helping set up
Why was I doing that?

It was dark that day
Dreary
It looked like rain

I went home to change and fix my hair
But didn't have enough time
So I came back
Just the same as before

I stood in the back as she walked down the aisle
In a pink dress
Who wears pink to a wedding?

She stood up there at the altar
With you
And you looked

So
Sad

I realized that when the preacher asked
If anyone had objections
That I would have to speak

I couldn't let you end up with her
I couldn't stand to see you be with her
Unhappy
Forever.

So the parson spoke
And then so did I
I didn't care if the whole town in attendance hated me

I would rather have people hate me than see you unhappy
So I spoke
And you know what happened?

She laughed
That lady who I used to go to church with
And then that was that.

He finished and you two were married
But then, you disappeared
And everyone forgot about you

The only attention anyone paid was to you
That is not how a marriage should be
It's two people
Not one.

I made sure she didn't hate me
I didn't speak out because of her
I spoke out because of you
And how I hate seeing you unhappy

But all I could think about was you
And how you were doomed to an unhappy life
For the rest of your days

And then I woke up
Freezing
And not just because the temperature had dropped in our room

How dare you treat me like a dispensable  
Nothing
I gave up so many things for you
I did so many things for you
I let go of myself for you
I loved you more than anyone ever has or ever will
But go ahead
Walk away from that
Toss me in the trash
Throw me away
Get rid of the person who
Loved you unconditionally
Cared about you more than she cared about herself
Always went out of her way to relieve your stress
She wasn't perfect, but she certainly tried
Just for you
All of that for you
You
Who couldn't see
That I am
Funny
Sweet
Caring
Loyal
Silly
Intelligent
Brave
Dedicated
Cha­rming
Honest
Clever
Unique
Witty
Beautiful
Strong
Determined
Gracious
Talented
And a million other things
Look at this list, Ryan
Look what you're missing out on
Look how selfish you're being
Look how much you've hurt me
Look in the mirror and tell me that who you see is
Really you
Tell me that he is the person doing all this
Tell me you can give all this up without batting an eye
Tell me that you never cared
Don't hold anything back
Don't lie
Tell me.
And while you're at it,
Throw in a real, heartfelt apology
Get down on your knees
Kiss my feet
And with tears in your eyes
Say "sorry" over and over
And over
For how you used me
And my generosity
For how you sat back and watched
As I drown in a love that was no longer real
Apologize for being an arrogant ****
Apologize
Because I deserve it
I deserve a lot of things
Much more than you've given me for the last half of a year
I deserve to be
Cherished
Loved
Respected and
Valued
I deserve more than what you are right now
And I want you to tell me.

We were so in love.
So happy
Giddy
Filled with feelings
We were so in love.
Smiling
Laughing
Talking
Kissing
Hugging
We were so in love.
Caring
Sharing
Together
We were so in love.
Until you just
Weren't
We were so in love.
But you forgot
You let the feelings go
You pretended to no longer need me
You lied
To yourself
To me
To everyone
But I didn't lie
I won't lie to you
You'll always know how I feel
And I feel
Love.
The same love that loved you
Before
Loves you now
It never stopped
You couldn't make it
You tried so hard
But that was the
One thing
You couldn't lie about
You can never say you didn't know
That you didn't know how I felt
You did.
You do.
You
Always
Will.

I have stopped eating as much as usual

It just does not seem so necessary

And besides,

This way my empty heart has

My empty stomach to keep it company

You know that thing about not knowing what you have until it's gone?

Well, I did know. But I wanted you gone anyway.

So you would stop loving me. So I wouldn't break you.

But now all I want is to have you back. Because this time, I broke me.

I think that sometimes
It is easier to think of rain
As the tears of a thousand souls
Than just a simple weather phenomena

We walked
We talked
We sat
I spoke
You listened
You talked
I understood
I think you understood me too
It was nice
I was honest
But now I'm not so sure about what I said
I don't know if we can be more
I just don't know...