I hate you.
I really do.

I just wish
I hated you
More
Than I
Still
Love you

"Then, what is this?"
You asked.

The answer?
Hell if I know

That's a lie.
I do know.

It's everything I can give you right now.
All of me.

Except,
That's a lie too.

It's every part of me,
But a small bit.

That I keep.
To myself.

So I don't get hurt.
And you don't get too close.

So this
Is me protecting myself.

And hurting you.

I shouldn't have done it
I should have never told you
I opened the door
Things escaped
They ran out and invaded my brain
Again
I shut the door
But couldn't quite put everything back
Where it was before

If this ever goes south,

Blame me.

I really wish I could make you stop loving me.

But I don't know what I would do if that ever happened. So don't. Don't stop.

It's eating me alive
Knowing you're somewhere
Alone
Trapped and stuck
Knowing I can't do
Anything
Nothing to help
I just want to reach out
Grab your hand
Never let go
Make it better
Fix it
Take away all your stress
All the problems and confusion
But I can't
So, I'll just sit here
And type
About how useless I feel

That day was very overwhelming. So many people to meet and new things to learn. I was scared, but excited because  literally anyone I met had the potential of being my friend and any boy could be my future husband, just walking around. Not knowing yet that I existed.
You groaned when you saw my twangy taste in music.
You said this radio station didn't play that.

You are so intoxicating
I am already an addict
Hopelessly craving your kiss
Anxiously waiting for your
Lips to touch my skin
And then I am lost
My brain is tripping
On the sensation
And all the feelings that accompany your lips
When you leave
I count down the hours
Until I will see you again
Already lusting for the next fix
Of you and everything you are
Wanting for the rush of emotions
Coursing through my veins with unequaled passion
Flooding my brain with impossibly beautiful scenarios

In my dreams you’re just as unattainable as in my waking life. But at least in my dreams I can touch you.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Ah, if only
If only sentences floated out of mouths
Through ears and then disappeared
Evaporated into the atmosphere
Like a foggy morning that the sun burns away
Long forgotten by ten am
But instead, they linger
Like smog overtaking a city
Consuming light
Choking out beauty
Words, turning to acid
Burning themselves into me
Seared into my flesh

My bones are sticks
My heart a stone

When we die
We're all alone

I don’t really care for cigarettes
I grew up with asthma
So the idea of anything affecting
My lungs is
Unappealing at best

But watching you light up
Inhaling that smoke
Tasting it on your beard
It’s intoxicating

I think about you
Quite often, actually

Dreaming of what it would be like
To be together

I mean, literally dreaming
You’re in my dreams all the time

Just this morning
You were there

We were sitting in a crowd
On bleachers

And I was hold your hand
Your entire arm, actually

I wouldn’t let go
Because I had finally gotten you

And your skin was soft
So soft

It felt just like it does in real life
Those beautiful times I could touch you

It’s been years
And my dreams are still this vivid

I don’t really understand what that means
But it makes me feel...

Sadness
Loss
Comfort
Joy

A million conflicting ideas
Because every dream is so real

But in every dream we don’t end up together
And somehow even my unconscious mind

Knows that that must be how it will always be
Never quite together

At least for now

You're right
I've been selfish
I've been keeping Matthew
All to myself
Hoarding his affection
Storing up his kisses all over my skin
Willing myself to remember every sweet thing he says
So if I'm sad or lonely
I just have to search my brain a little bit
To feel better
Because he does that so well
He makes me feel better
And happy
And cared for
And loved
I think I'm making him feel those things too
And I want you guys to know
I don't want you to think this is some
Silly fling that I don't care about
I care
I care so so much
I want to show you
But not right now
Right now, I am trying to remember what it feels like
To be genuinely happy
And cared for
And loved
So, I'm sorry for being selfish with your friend
I just don't want this overwhelming joy to end

I love your huge green eyes
I love your bony, jointy hands
What a perfect fit
I love when you rub my leg,
Almost absent-mindedly
I love when you glance over at me and smile
I love when you kiss me
I love it even more when you pull away
And we both smile
I love when you hug me and hold on tight
I love listening to you talk about your family
I love staying up until 6am on the cold, janky stairs
I love our picnic of grapes and mac and cheese
I love when you walk up behind me and
Press yourself into my back
I love how your write
I love those ridiculous floral flip flops
I love that sweatshirt you stole from your mom
You look so carefree and cuddly when you wear it
I love the effortless way you dress
I love listening to you sing
I love your Conrad Birdie swagger
I love having tiny dance parties with you backstage
I love not feeling like I have to hold onto my thoughts
I love when you open up to me
I love how hard you're working to make yourself better
I love how much you love your friends
And how much they love you
I love that you didn't tell me what I should do
You just said, "I think you know what you should do."
I love that I don't have to guess how you feel about me
Or wonder if you care
Everything you do shows me how much you do
I love anticipating your messages
I love how free and easy this is
I love that you make me want to write poetry