Your truck knows it all
It contains our whole relationship
It knows the beginning, middle and end

I loved seeing those lights
Knowing you were driving to come pick me up
It made me really happy
And sometimes
Even a little nervous
But in a good way

In the summertime
We had the windows rolled down because it was hot
In the winter it was cold
But we'd find a place to park and make it July warm
I almost lost my innocence in that passenger seat

We did so much in that truck
We talked
Laughed
Shared
Kissed
Argued
Cried
Stressed
Freaked out
Held each other
Loved

That truck knows it all
Those camouflage seat covers still hold our passionate sweat
The drooping brownish red ceiling absorbed all our words, feelings and keeps them there
Even today
The plastic in front of the gas gauge doesn't feel as whole without one of my pictures covering it
The center console probably still holds one of my notes
Saying how much I love about you
Who knows, the glovebox still may hold my garter
The lace with a tear on it from prom
When the truck heard you say you didn't care anymore

That truck holds everything
All the feelings and emotions
Maybe not so close to the surface anymore
But it will never forget the stuff you've let yourself unremember
That maroon Chevy still loves me
Even if you don't.

To me, hugging is so much more than
A simple embrace
It's a chance for me to connect with you
And share

If you're happy
I'll share in your joy
Let the happiness flit around my being
And soak it it

But not like a sponge,
I don't want to take it
More like a mirror
To let it be a part of me
And the reflect it back again at you
To increase
Always adding to

If you're sad, it's different
This will be a long touch
Me clinging to you, you clinging to me

Now is the time to be a sponge
I soak up all the bad
It's gone
You won't have it anymore
At least not in the same way

And that joy from the other times?
While the hurt flows from you into me
Through my left arm
My right is coursing with
Positivity and bliss
Straight into your soul

So next time we hug
Or even just touch
Know that it wasn't accidental
Or that it didn't mean anything
Because to both of us
It meant so very, very much

Who knew a verb form could hurt so much?
It's just an extra letter
A D on the end of a word
An "am" to "was"
It makes it different than it was before
It means it was
It's no longer
It's done.
A few simple characters shattered my world
It turned "care" to "cared"
From "You make me happy."
To
"You used to make me happy."
"Love" to "loved."
To you I changed
I changed text
Just like the words
I was
and now
I am
No more
Because I am
Past Tense.

If my skin could talk,
it would tell tales about every mark, blemish and scar.
It would fondly remember the day each freckle arrived,
and how the sun had kissed it and
left a permanent reminder of that day.
It would ooze hard work and the
sweat that accompanies such accomplishments.
It would rave about all the wonderful places it has been and all the people it has touched and been touched by.
It would profess its love of texture and materials.
It would call out, begging to be near to another,
Longing for the warmth and love of affection.
If my skin could talk,
It would not worry about being anything but itself.
It would not be concerned with its hue
or that it had a different amount of melanin than another.
It would not hate when it came into contact with something not like itself.
No, instead it would draw the outsider in
surround itself with this foreigner,
learning the marks, blemishes and scars of the new individual, recognizing similarities and embracing contrasting characteristics.

If my my skin could talk, it wouldn’t see; it would feel.

What is happening?
I'm afraid.
I've started crying again
Because I was frustrated
Because of someone else's failed relationship
Because Forrest's moms died
Movies and stupid feelings
They're nothing
Why was I crying?
What's happening to me?
I don't cry.
I cried for two months
All those tears for you
For us
What didn't work
What should have happened
Those were real reasons
A movie is nothing
Being irritated is nothing
Nothing
Nothing is anything compared to how I felt then
After those two months I quit
I quit crying
Forever
Not graduation
Not movies
Not pain
Nothing
Because nothing could hurt as much
As you hurt me
So I stopped crying
Until a month ago
And now I'm scared
I've shed tears
What is wrong?
What's happening to me?

I thought I was strong.

It's wrong.
That saying
The, "No one can love you until you learn to love yourself."
It's incorrect.
Senseless even.

You don't have to love yourself to have someone do the same.
In fact,
I think it's the people who don't love themselves
Are loved the most.

Others see their hurt
And reach out
Open their hearts

Let feelings of
Concern
Appreciation
Respect
Friendship

Love.
Enter in

The self-loathing one just doesn't know.
Or doesn't want to

They're blind
Eyes covered by a blindfold
Held securely in place by
Doubt
Fear
Hate
Anger
Regret
A past where something
Sometime
Lots of times
Went awry.

They can't trust themselves
Or anyone else because of that.

It's not easy to love someone like this.
It takes
Work
Determination
Persistence
Many different things

Some people will throw in the towel
Say it's too hard
Not worth it
But not everyone

A select few will stick around and love The loveless person
Shower them in appreciation
Cover them with love

So, don't think for
One
Single
Second
That you aren't loved

You are.

By me.
By others.
By God.

And all of us will be here
When you finally remove
The caked on
Mud
Dirt
The blinding debris
From experiences past

We will be here

When you can finally see just what about yourself is worth loving.

This is it.
I really ****** up this time.
I can't go back.
We can't go back.

I said the same things I've always been saying.
The words that get me close.
But never too close.
And this time, it wasn't just.
Your voice that broke.

Something inside did too.
The part that loves me.
I finally shattered it like I wanted to.

But I don't want to.
I didn't want to.
I take it back.
I love you.
I'll always love you.

Come back.

Don't walk out your door.
Don't tell me that you trust me to find my way out.
Don't leave.
Don't.

Please?

Don't be the dandelion fluff that blows away in the wind.
As if it were never there at all...

You know those blank pages at the end of a book?
The ones there just to make the other pages with numbers line up?
Yeah. Those.
Those are for me.
I get to fill them with all the things that the book didn't say.
All the emotions and double meanings woven
Between the lines.
Scribbled hastily in the margins
The can all be neatly compressed into that
Great
White
Expanse at the end
All the words there mean more than any plot a chapter could hold.
These paragraphs tell a different tale.
One without page numbers or punctuation marks.
One that is constantly evolving.
Something only I understand.
Only I can see all the things I made up.
The things I let bloom from nothing into nothing.
I create stories so fantastical no would could believe them.
No one can understand.
It's all assumptions and hurt.
Compilations of innocent, mistaken gestures.
The paper holds a ticking time bomb. Waiting to explode and destroy every relationship I've ever had.
Because probably, none of it is real.
I am the protagonist and the antagonist.
The villain and the hero.
The winner and the loser.
No. Just the loser.
The stupid girl who created a magical world she couldn't escape from.
She allowed letters and words to imprison her.
And the worst part?
The words aren't even real.
But I'm still stuck between The End and the back cover. In those stupid, empty pages.
Trapped in my own delusions.

I didn't mean it like that
I didn't mean to make it sound like a personal attack
I didn't mean to fill your head with thoughts that shouldn't exist
I didn't mean for you to think like me
I didn't mean for you to be afraid
I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't mean to cause doubts
Because doubts eat at your insides
They gnaw your vital organs
And to live,
You have to get rid of the doubts
And that would mean
Getting rid of me
And I certainly did not mean that.

You just joined a very elite group
You were first a member of the
Boys I've Liked Society
Then you moved onto the
Boys I've Kissed Club
But tonight you jumped through the ranks
Straight
To
The Top
By saying that one sentence
Something so small
But so hurtful
You made me cry with one
Simple
Spoken sentence
Only one other person has ever done that
So congratulations, Corporal
You've been promoted.

I need a hug
Not a one-armed squeeze
Not a quick touch
I need a hug
The kind of embrace that says something
That gives meaning to the phrase
"Actions speak louder than words"
One that is safe and secure
Warm and cozy
Strong and tangible
Stress free and personal

I need the kind of hug that says,
"It's ok.
I know it's rough but you're strong.
Too strong sometimes.
It's alright to let down those walls you've built.
Let them go.
I'm here.
I'll fix you.
I'll stay.
You don't have to be tough anymore,
That's what I'm for."

That's the kind of hug I need.

When I like someone
I like to picture them
At the end of the aisle
In a tux and bow tie
Smiling at me
Like they will be
For the rest of my life

And so far,
You're the only one who was believable.

I'm an actress
Everyday
I put on my mask and go out in the world
I act like I don't care
Like I'm fine
Like it doesn't really bother me
Like every single couple doesn't get in my head
Like it doesn't hurt me to say your name
On stage, I'm not as good
My "real" emotions don't come across as well
I can't cover up the mask I wear everyday with another one
A fake one
I'm artificial enough as it it
I'm superficial
I don't let people in
They know as much as I want them to and no more
People will never understand
I'm a world class thespian
But no one knows

I don't want you to be in your bed.
I want you to be here
Talking with me
Letting me calm your fears
Pet your hair
Tell you it's going to be okay
That I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't say all the right words
At all the right times
I want you to wake up
Please
Wake up
Come here and let me fix this
Fix you.
I don't want you to be in bed
I don't want you to be asleep unless
It's with me
Forever

I'm trying to fill this page and
This world with words
That mean something.
They make a difference;
An impact.
They change the world
Shape a mind
Save a life.
They lift themselves from this
Small
White sheet and
Fill a room.
Jump into the air
Fill it with color and
Brightness
They're so much more than the
Black and
White text,
Letters and
Paper that contain them.
They're full.
They breathe life into the reader.
Inspire.
Change.
Influence.
Heal.
The letters take this broken reader,
YOU
Your problems.
They wrap you up.
Encase and
Surround you.
Breathing new,
Fresh air and thoughts through you.
May these words forever change you and
Your soul.
Let them enter your mind.
Give THEM the control.
Sure they're outsiders.
They don't know you.
Not yet, but only
Because they haven't gotten the chance.
They can make a difference.
I promise.
They sure did to me.
They freed my mind
And my heart.
I don't hurt so much anymore.
Things make more sense
All because these words became…
My friends.

Rilke is wrong
Life isn't right
There is too much pain
Too much hurt
Not enough light

The darkness consumes
It cannot be beat
One must just stand all alone
Shaking from head down to feet

He has to fight the outside
To improve the within
The bleakness is heavy
His strength is wearing thin

How much longer can he fight
To feel goodness and warmth
When wrong seems so easy
Cold, evil winds blow in from the north

Chilled to the bone
From a murderous gust
He digs deep in his brain
To remember to trust

Memories spring to life
The blackness fades to grey
His face smiles a bit
And suddenly, it is not such a horrible day

His soul begins to warm
He envisions a time
When someone picked him up so high
His spirit continues to climb

All darkness is gone now
The gloomy shadow has passed
Sunshine has replaced it
Out it has been cast

It is not finished forever
This he surely knows
But next time he will be ready
To stand firm until over it blows

Life may not be right
But perhaps it's not wrong
He realizes this now
And right now
He is immeasurably strong

For most people
Dying is their biggest fear
And that
Is something I'll never understand.

I don't know why I should be afraid of going to live with my King
When he decides to call me home
Only good, shining happiness awaits for me

Sure, dying now would mean I miss somethings
I would never know marriage
Or children or grandchildren
But you can't miss something you've never had

I could leave right now and be happy
But what would make me the most content
Would be sacrifice

Each person has so much to contribute to the world
And if mine was to save someone's life
So they could change
Everything

I would be ecstatic
And that would make my life complete enough
For me to leave this earth
Fulfilled

I hate movies.
I hate stories.
Fantasies.
Happy endings.
They lie
They say,
"Don't worry
You'll defy the odds
You'll make it
That stupid
Worthless
Meaningless
Fake
High school relation ship will last.
Jump headfirst into love
You won't get hurt
He'll love you forever
At seventeen you've decided your future
It doesn't matter
This is it
This will work
Just like a fairytale
You're Cinderella
And he's your prince."
Stop.
Stop lying to little girls
Stop telling them,
"It's not that hard
All you have to do it be yourself
You'll find someone.
He'll be everything.
He'll fix you .
He'll help you.
He'll drop everything for you.
You two being together is the only thing that matters.
Love will always win."

Just once I want to see a movie without a happy ending.
The girl falls
Hard.
So does the boy.
But then things get in the way.
Friends.
College.
Life.
And suddenly
Love is no longer available
It's over for the boy.
But not the girl.
She gets her heart ripped out
Shattered.
Her world is turned upside down.
People would cry.
Feel her pain.
The audience would shed tears
Not because they wished they could have a love like hers
But because they hope they never have to feel that
That they never have to experience that.
Because it reminds them of real, difficult life
There would be no floating words saying,
"And they lived happily ever after"
There would be no happy music
Just rain
And pain
And tears.
But at least it would be real
Everyone would finally stop lying.

That scar
Makes you who you are

That red line from your right eyebrow to the top of your lip
New eyes are drawn to it
Who's that boy, what happened to him?

The answer: so many things
You've been through a lot
Not just superficial pain like that permanent remind on an otherwise perfect face
Emotional too
Their divorce
The cheating
Her
Her
Her
And her
Having to grow up fast just to help
You have had to be so much
When you were so little
So many other things no one knows

And I think you hold all those emotions in that scar
That scarlet reminder is small, but it holds so much

That describes you as a person
You seem small
Not that intelligent
Simple-minded
But are you simple-minded just to protect yourself?

I could have fixed you
You could have let me in
I never would have hurt you
But now that scar stays superficial

What's behind it, I'll never really know
You let go

Six months ago was prom
Our anniversary
A year and three months
It certainly hadn't been perfect, but it was perfect for me

Six months ago I was happy
You made me grin from ear to ear
I had a permanent smile
Whenever anyone mentioned your name
My heart would fill with pride

Six months ago I was living a lie
You had quit a while ago
You just drug it out because you weren't sure
You weren't sure about her

Six months ago you moved on
You found someone else
You dumped me in your camouflage seat
And that was that

Six months ago you got over it
Six  months later I'm still hanging on

Do you wanna be my friends again?
Please come back and stay
I can't talk to you anymore
How long are we going to do this for?
We used to be best buddies
And now we're not
I know exactly why
I will take all the blame
I just want things to be the same

Do you wanna come back in my life?
We can sit together at lunch again
Me texting you is overdue
I have no one to talk to
What happened to how things had been?
It's a little lonely
All these empty stares

Please I know they're in there
Those feelings you used to have
I know that they're still in there
Give me another chance, let me back in
We only had each other
Now we're both alone
It feels like I have no air

Do you wanna come to me again?

No? Okay, bye.

**** the system.
The regimalized plan
That "Works for Everyone. "
That funnels persons from
Different backgrounds
And stories
And wounds
Down into the
Same
Dark
Lonely
Standard
Tired
Broken
****** up mass of ****.

Instead of helping
Your "Standard Procedure"
Just added to
The beaten down
Bleeding
Non-believing
Exhausted
Pile of hurt.

Kissing you seemed like such good idea
Our faces were close
You were holding me
I was holding you back
You said,
"You have no idea how hard it is to control myself right now."
So I thought,
"Don't."
I threw caution to the wind
And I kissed you
There weren't rockets
No explosions
I wasn't even really nervous
That freaked me out
I pulled away and cried
Partly because I wasn't as confused as I should have been
Partly because it confirmed some things
I'm a horrible person for kissing you
And doing it twice at that
I'm going to ruin you
Break your heart
Not on purpose
But I will
And it will hurt me too

I'm afraid you're not The One
And I'm wasting both our time

I'm afraid you don't know me anymore
That you have to be around me to know me

I'm afraid you're taking me for granted
Remind me why you love me

I'm afraid I'll break your heart
Please don't let me be right

I'm afraid this will end like very other time
Stay in my life

I'm afraid I'm blinded by fear
It's not your fault

I'm afraid it's not just the situation
It's just you causing confusion; doubt

I'm afraid this has run its course
Will we still be friends?

I'm afraid you are The One
So I can't let it go

I'm afraid this is all it will ever be
I can't do that to you

I'm afraid of this whole situation.

And I hate it.

Today, I realized that I'm a foot.

And not just the bones, ligaments and muscles

A body part with an attitude

See, I get cocky.

I think,

"Wow. You are the foot. You get the entire body where it needs to go. You support all the weight; bear all the load. You're in control."

It wasn't until today that I realized

That what being a foot really means

Is that I get

Dirtied

And stepped on

And controlled

By everything else above me.

You've been abused.
*****.
Had your heart torn out and toyed with.
Utterly ruined.
Thoroughly destroyed.
From the inside.
Out.

How dare I compared my pain to yours?
It's not even in the same realm.
We exist in different galaxies.

But not really at all.

It's like comparing lying and ******.
They're both sins.  
God despises the pair.
But only one
Seems worthy of ultimate despair.

So, how dare I compare?
I can't.
Not even close.
I just have to remember.
In each of us, something broke.

Remember "Rocking Chairs"?

Are you still going to want me there then?

I don't understand how you could.

To the tears escaping:
Stop.
Stay.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Don't go.
Stay inside.  
It's been like
Six months
Why now?
I don't what's going on.
I'm not sure what's happening.
Stay in my eyes.
Keep my irises company.
Don't leave.
That happens enough.

To the thoughts swirling around in my mind:
You too.
Stop.
You're bad and you know it.
You'll hurt me.
You'll break my heart again.
I don't need you.
You're useless.
You're only good for pain.
And loss.
So unlike my tears.
Feel free to see yourself to the door.

To the feelings my heart:
You too can leave.
You're unwelcome.
You're even worse than the thoughts
Because you're real.
You are the ones who hold the real power.
The power to cause so much more.
More pain than thoughts.
More pain than tears.
More pain than a slip on the ice.
A knife cut too deep.
More pain than being burned alive.
Because this is scorching from the inside.

Single
Something I haven't really been in three years

Individual
Something I have always been
Unique
A little weird
My own person

Unaccompanied*
I don't need accompaniment
I make my own music

Free
I can do what I want
Kiss who I want
Talk to who I want
Dance with who I want
Flirt with who I want
Do anything I want
It's even nicer than I thought

Alone
Something I've never been and never will be
I have family
Friends
Lots of people who love me

I might be single, but I'm never ever alone.

We broke up yesterday
And we weren't even dating

But it feels exactly the same as I remember
It's just like last April

I'm staring at your from across the lunchroom
Knowing I shouldn't

But hoping and praying
I'll catch your eye

I just want to see you smile at me again
Like you used to

So in love
So perfect for me

I want to text you
Talk to you

Tell you about my day
Read your funny messages

But I can't
Because I broke the part of you that cares about me

And I can't get it back
So I'll have to live with what I so desperately desired

But now I know that I never wanted that
And could never handle you going away

Life is still going on
But it's not as fun

And it's only been a day
I'm so lost

Please don't let this be permanent
Please accept my apology

Please don't stop
Loving me

You look like someone I could fix
We could talk
Share
Be broken together

That's my thing
Fixing people is my specialty
I give advice
Counsel
Help them

If only if it were that easy
For me

I am writing this to remind you
Of what used to be
And still is

There is still a light
At the end of the tunnel

Right now,
It's dark
Gone
Black
Non-existent

Maybe it's been 20 years without light
Maybe you've only ever seen
Small swatches
Shadows dancing on the walls
Only to look again
And see nothing but an
Empty
Dark plane
Void of anything
Especially happiness

But just because you can't see it
Doesn't mean it's not there
And what a shame it would be
To give up without ever knowing
How close you were
To the brilliant
Joyful
Saving
Light.

I see my eyes flashing
Leaping from word to word
Getting lost in the script
I hear my voice cutting
Slicing through the ends of syllables
Spitting out the text
I can feel my hands shaking
Longing to grip something
To squeeze the life out of it
I can feel my heart racing
Bubbling over in anger
Filling with hurt
And that's why I can never read it to you
You can't know my real feelings
They would break you like they broke me

Tonight
Standing at the sink
In the bathroom
I remembered

I remembered that
Eventually,
When we don't live
Happily ever after
That you'll be gone

And I'll be sad
And confused
And a different kind of empty than I've ever felt before.

This is the end

There is no coming back this time

I set fire to the bridge

You so carefully walked on before

It went up in flames

And I let it happen

I thought that's what I wanted

That in the end

It was better for both of us

But now

All I want is to come

Crashing

Barreling

Sprinting across

The swinging rope bridge

Into your heart

Arms

And mind

But I can't go back now

Because flames destroy

I wish I wasn't such  pyromaniac

Playing around with fire

And your heart

Your sheets
Are surprisingly attracted
To my tears

There is something about you
There is a deep darkness lurking all too close to the surface
You cut those lines and let it out
Let the blades trace a path for the pain to follow
You let it escape
But the fleeing darkness invites in something worse
Thoughts that say
Deeper
Deeper
It wouldn't be too difficult to end it all
But don't
Don't do it
Know there is brightness waiting for you
Maybe I can be that light
Show Jesus into your life
Just be a friend
A small glimmer of hope in the darkest of nights
I can be that for you
You don't even have to ask

I thought I would feel more sad
A little heartbroken
Like I was missing something
But I don't
I don't feel anything,
Really

I thought you were different
And you were
Until you too hurt me
And just walked away.