I don't think you did it on purpose
But as we sat and ate and talked
You weren't sitting across from me
It was just a slight angle to the right
But it made everything feel different
Like we really have broken apart

You're right
I've been selfish
I've been keeping Matthew
All to myself
Hoarding his affection
Storing up his kisses all over my skin
Willing myself to remember every sweet thing he says
So if I'm sad or lonely
I just have to search my brain a little bit
To feel better
Because he does that so well
He makes me feel better
And happy
And cared for
And loved
I think I'm making him feel those things too
And I want you guys to know
I don't want you to think this is some
Silly fling that I don't care about
I care
I care so so much
I want to show you
But not right now
Right now, I am trying to remember what it feels like
To be genuinely happy
And cared for
And loved
So, I'm sorry for being selfish with your friend
I just don't want this overwhelming joy to end

I hold on too long

Even after something is long dead and gone

I sit, clutching the ashes

Desperately trying to force them back

Into what used to be

I love your huge green eyes
I love your bony, jointy hands
What a perfect fit
I love when you rub my leg,
Almost absent-mindedly
I love when you glance over at me and smile
I love when you kiss me
I love it even more when you pull away
And we both smile
I love when you hug me and hold on tight
I love listening to you talk about your family
I love staying up until 6am on the cold, janky stairs
I love our picnic of grapes and mac and cheese
I love when you walk up behind me and
Press yourself into my back
I love how your write
I love those ridiculous floral flip flops
I love that sweatshirt you stole from your mom
You look so carefree and cuddly when you wear it
I love the effortless way you dress
I love listening to you sing
I love your Conrad Birdie swagger
I love having tiny dance parties with you backstage
I love not feeling like I have to hold onto my thoughts
I love when you open up to me
I love how hard you're working to make yourself better
I love how much you love your friends
And how much they love you
I love that you didn't tell me what I should do
You just said, "I think you know what you should do."
I love that I don't have to guess how you feel about me
Or wonder if you care
Everything you do shows me how much you do
I love anticipating your messages
I love how free and easy this is
I love that you make me want to write poetry

I have been thinking it
For a while
I know it's only been a few weeks
But after you read that poem to me
And I got a glimpse
Further into your mind
I realized that
I love you
I'm not in love
Yet
But I am sure that will come
You're easy to fall for

I see my eyes flashing
Leaping from word to word
Getting lost in the script
I hear my voice cutting
Slicing through the ends of syllables
Spitting out the text
I can feel my hands shaking
Longing to grip something
To squeeze the life out of it
I can feel my heart racing
Bubbling over in anger
Filling with hurt
And that's why I can never read it to you
You can't know my real feelings
They would break you like they broke me