There’s a sick, sad little space
between tea spoons and midnight
where the teeth on your fingertips chatter
and the ink in your forearm prattles on
about which bone you’re going to pull out this time
and how your chapped lips taste like poetry
but your dry eyes can’t bend around the prosody
and it’s in that space that my clothes turned into feathers
and flew away with the *****
the one that pipes out those same four chords
and tempered breath made into rotting elephants on sale
but the bazaar called for more than just pennies
and I don’t think my cough medicine blinks enough
to make this dance hall stop spinning

I pick the most beautiful flowers

from the side of the highway

it’s illegal, you know

and I spend hours arranging them into a bouquet

making sure the heights and colors go well together

and when I’m sure it’s perfect

I realize that I am hungry

a new kind of hungry

starving

and the tears that stream down my face

the gagging and stomach cramps

can’t stop me

from devouring each and every flower

and I’m so embarrassed

because I know you can smell them on my breath

no matter how much gum I chew

Once upon a time
I carried a corkscrew in my teeth
and tiny feathers leaked out
every time I whispered.
I wonder where the time goes
when you’re not cleaning out the shower drain;
all my hair collects in my pocketbook.
The barista asks for change
and all I can produce is pen caps
and an expired ****** I found in your glove box.
An ocean stands on two feet before me,
all this leather in my hands,
but I’m pierced by the clockhands
I saw in the lines around your mouth.
Tiny feathers leaking out.

a fear of songbirds

a microcosmic ringing

whispers in your sleep

I can’t sleep at night
you know I never have
can’t even dream no more
spend all day inside my head
and I won’t try again, I won’t
try to find myself, I won’t
try to hide from this, I won’t
close my eyes.

I can’t lie, you know
the devil lives in me
takes up all my time
he likes my company
and I won’t cry again, I won’t
try to find my way, I won’t
try to be okay, I won’t
open my eyes.

I can’t smile no more
my lips deceive my mind
I’m not a child no more
I’m aging all the time
and I won’t trust again, I won’t
try to be someone, I won’t
try to please anyone, I won’t
dry your eyes.

I can’t stand the morning
kills me more each day
I’m so detached now
from this unbearable pain
and I won’t love again, I won’t
try to breathe in, I won’t
try to believe and I won’t
dot my i’s.

i am thankful
for the breaking of hearts
and of bones
and of brittle hair
and of children's toys
and of  mother's fine china
and of vinyl
and of collectable vinyl
and of glasses
and of fingernails
and of trinkets
and of one-of-a-kinds
and of water mains
and of sewer lines
and of violin strings
and of twigs under your shoes
and of thin ice
and most of all, of mind

for if they did not break
then we would never know
that they were so unique and special
when they still were whole

Take back your records
I'm moving out west
need to fill up this hole in my chest
Take back these pictures
you left in my head
in my bed
but no copies to hold in my hands
as my memory alters
the state of what was
and what is
but honestly, I'd rather forget
and my height fell
too short
now you make me feel small
all
i'm left with are stories to tell

Take back the skin that you left in my clothes
'cause I don't want nobody to know
Take back the song that you sang in your sleep
'cause I don't think
that you even know what it means
and your heart is a piston
I'm pulleys and weights
you're an engine
and
I'm easily moved by your hands
but I ran this machine
for you
my dearest friend
in the end
I'll be with you in dreams

Take back your records
I'm moving out west
I was wrong
I was you all along

I never liked the winter, it’s much too cold for me; but even summer’s sun can’t warm me now, and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep.

My head and I are fighting again. You know I never win these arguments. Silhouettes on skin, so pale, I traced them with my lipstick and they fractured in reflections and rearview mirrors and spoiled milk.

Crumpled receipt paper, change in my sleeves, and holes. The moths came in and ate away so slowly. Light me on fire and I’ll run.

But don’t you follow me, my friend, into this darkness, cause it’s my time and you’re so young. I know you’ll make it. And if you ever need me, I’ll be there in your memory forever. Just think good things of me - I beg you, I beg you.

I can’t touch anything, my hands just go through. Stomach walls dampen the pulse, the tube pulled from my throat, fingertips smooth.

Throw your skeleton away. Remember me in shades of porcelain. Howl out, keening. Erase myself. I wish I could change.

Destroy, destroy. The light goes out, I held my breath, I’m gone for days, chemical shift. A final kiss? Now don’t you miss me. Opened out, I stitched you in.

But don’t you follow me my friend, into this darkness, cause it’s my time and you’re so young. I know you’ll make it. But if you ever need me I’ll be there in your consciousness forever. Just think good things of me - I beg you, I beg you.

I saw you again today
You disappeared behind a train
Seems we just keep missing each other

You exist only where I cannot
and I where you won’t

I swear, I just missed you
So close I felt you breathing

Do you still see me when you look in the mirror?
I wonder what it’s like on your side
Nothing human left, just Being

I shout at the top of my lungs
Just to remind you I exist

You are made of the spaces between words.

death sounds sweet as honey when played upon my lips and in
my ears
it echoes like silent whispers in my mind and tortures
far away
I could make it closer
all you have to do is beckon
if you call it
it shall come
if you act upon it
life shall go
like a vicious circle it runs and around and around, over and over, until
it drives you
mad

          and then you write

Yeah, maybe I'm too serious
and I take things too personally
and I feel things too deeply
but you have to remember
that you broke my heart
and I loved you through it all
and I never got angry;
only at myself
so now I have a chance
to be mad at you; livid, seething
and you have to realize
that it might be
the only thing
that will heal this

I was young when first I fell in love with a close friend
My lips upon his icy neck did down mine shivers send
And, “Al,” I said, “I think I’ll hold you with me ‘til the end”

I was still in High School when I fell in love with Vic
His kisses tasted bitter and his presence made me sick
But it was just as well because he finished far too quick

In and out of consciousness and clarity I wept
But this time Mary my hand held and all my secrets kept
Her breath inside my lungs for the first time in months I slept

And I would think your kisses are the sweetest yet by far
Your poison leaves me shaking in the backseat of the car
I overdose on anecdotes while your lungs fill with tar

The antidote lies dormant in the strain of death you are

Your driver's license
says your eyes are brown, but I
know better than that

There once was a boy who felt hollow
The hole inside him grew and swallowed
He filled it with flowers
For hours and hours
But still, deep in pain he would wallow

There once was a boy who felt empty
His troubles he thought no one else'd see
Locked away he'd cry
Til the day that he died
And never saw, next to him there, me

There once was a boy who felt alone
He wore himself right down to the bone
I did all I could
Loved him more than I should
If only, if only he'd known

how lucky am I
to have loved so deeply
that in losing it
I lost myself

how lucky am I
to have felt lies so truly
that I believed
I found myself

of course it does

why wouldn’t it?

you think i don’t know?

or was that untrue?

was that why i couldn’t?

was that why you wouldn’t?

because of that?

but why then?

you know i’m insecure

would it bother you?

it might

why wouldn’t it?

i hope i’m wrong

but i fear

everything, you know

and especially that

do you know?

do you feel it?

am i wrong?

should i stop?

will i hurt?

will this?

what even is this?

is it?

could it?

do you want that?

maybe not now but sometime

but i think you know

what i think

but do you?

do i, even?

do you still?

is that?

is she?

am i?

are you?

are we

we?

us?

anything at all

do you understand?

I beg the lord you do

and I don’t believe in him anymore.

My love for you is the universe loving itself

I remove all human qualities and emotions

All thoughts and feelings

And I am left with infinite energy and love

and I give it to myself and I give it to you

hoping that one day it will return to me

in whatever way I need it

exactly when I need it

for my faith in these beliefs

is thought that becomes feeling

which I know is pure and eternal and perfect.

everything is as it should be.

Inside this fractured head of mine
I find no solace, only time
But time makes waste and waste makes rhyme
So hastily I'll say, "I'm fine"

Inside this broken head I hold
No secrets, words adorned in gold
The wind blows through, so brash and bold,
This desolate world etched in cold

Inside this splitting skull, you see
There are no demons, only me
The epitaph reads, "set me free"
I wait for you, here, patiently

I see you swinging
you smile when the wind is in your face
you laugh when your stomach drops a bit on the backswing
you look so happy
I’m so happy

I see you swinging
you cry when your toes hit the ground
you shudder when you lose momentum
you look so sad
I’m so sorry

I see you swinging
you start all by yourself sometimes
you get a push other times
you just sit there once in a while
I’m so nervous

I see you swinging
you know I’m watching
you know I’m feeling
you know I’m thinking
I’m so confused

I see you swinging
and I sit here playing in the dirt
building castles
wishing you’d stay in the air and never come down
I’d always know where you were
and I wouldn’t have to see you swinging

you are the ugly sweater of this city
someone loved you once
back when you were new and sincere
and you got all stretched and worn
tossed in a box
donated
like your plasma
and you didn’t drink enough water
to ward off the pain
of how now the only love you can find
is in irony

and she calls you an ugly sweater

Once upon an ageless time
There were no words, nothing to rhyme
No meaning, tongue and teeth, I find
That little changes e’er with time

You said it first; I mocked your words, and followed like a bird,
And of the joyous song we sang, all people once had heard.
To scarcely feel how hatred, remorse so wrong could be
The way the words just seemed to flow - a dying symphony.
So plainly seen as just another era in one's life
Was how it understood itself to daily free recite.
But deep within the casket and the depths of lovers' souls
Lies, dying with a vengeance, the truth from what is told.

They dream a dream unwaning, as to show how they are true,
But dreams are made for one alone and never meant for two.
But if a dreamer's mind breaks down the walls of prison bold,
A dream may seem what he hast seen, and time itself would fold.
Though rarely - oh, so rarely - as a snow in summer's peak,
Those walls they fall and crumble, for love has made them weak.
And as each ember slowly falls like tears from wretched eyes,
They feel the warmth of each one's soul - a love you can't deny.

Though life may tear the skin and hair, and often break the bone,
With dreamer's love, and dreamer's soul, you know you're never 'lone.
Yes, homes will burn, and fires too, but ungainly, once it's true,
The only things that will prevail are dreamers...lovers...fools.
No bonds can hold together, no bonds could surely break
The fire of one's own desire - alone the pain will take.
Hearts never forgive or die, they're endless like the time;
Though all this true, though I love you, I still can't make you mine.

The Bible forgot
the eighth and most deadly sin,
which, of course, is Love.

there's a sound at the base of my skull today
it goes beekbeekbeek
and then my shoulder goes numb
with fingers tapping out a rhythm I can't control
or decide
if i am
as they crawl up my arm and across my chest
poking away at my cheeks
digging around inside
pulling out teeth
memorizing

I'm sorry I cannot write tonight
My muse was but a wet match
Struck against the box until the tip broke off
And I hoped it was my neck

There's no light in my head tonight
Nothing to inspire me
I've tried to drag myself down lower
But numb was all I found

Goodnight.

if I wasn't on beer three
you know I'd write something pretty,
and dark, and sad, like you and me,
'bout how "The One" is no longer thee

There’s a thing that opens up inside me -
“opens” might not be right -
like a jacket but there’s nothing within it;
it’s inside me, I’m in it.
There’s a button in the middle
that I push or pull or press or pluck
and it’s a button in two terms
and also a plug.
It pops right off, or away, or in,
and out pours all this black -
it pours out but also in,
and it’s also empty.
It’s warm and dark and damp
and cold and thick and wet and solid
and it fills me up
but also leaves me hollow.
It’s inky black and colorless
and rises like bread baking in an oven
and sinks like a stone in a river
and grows like a flower.
I see it spreading under my skin,
and feel a lump stick out in my throat
that makes an airy dripping noise
and pounds like hollow drums with heads of hide.
My heart pounds against my chest
and beats inward into itself
and races quietly and softly
in my neck and in my stomach.
And then the show is over
and I return to my body;
the black-out curtains drawn
and I wrap myself up tightly in the flittering snow.

i pray for nothing more
than for you to drain this heart
of every last drop
to drain me
of every last drop
leave me dry
leave me hollow
leave me numb
i beg you
kiss me softly
and steal away this breath
leave me cold
and still
bury me deep beneath the earth
beneath the dirt
under your fingernails

There’s three ways to burn out a star
Call home and tell your mother you’re doing okay
But you won’t be home for Chirstmas
Tell her the dress she bought you wrinkled
So you cut up the edges with broken glass
Ask her to save your pay stubs in the spare bedroom
With the wedding ring you never could sell
Tell her she’s beautiful despite the lighting because the bulb is in your throat anyway

There’s two ways to burn out a star
Take your roommate out for coffee
Order one thing the cashier likes and another the manager hates
Tell your roommate you couldn’t decide what he’d like best
Ask him about the first time he saw an accident
Ask him if he saw the dog
And if he didn’t you show him where it hurts you most
Right under your navel where that filament got stuck

There’s one way to burn out a star
Leave a voicemail for yourself asking where you’ve gone to
And where did you put all of the towels
Make a fuss about a dinner party
Leave your phone on the bench and put on dark glasses
Walk away slowly while stripping off your clothes
Head into the sea

there’s a little piece of string
that sticks out of my skin
at the base of my skull
just behind my ear

sometimes it itches
and once i start scratching
i just can’t stop

i pick and i dig
and before i know it
my fingernails are stained

sometimes it gets tangled in my hair
and i have to pull out the knots
but once i start pulling
i just can’t stop

i wrap it around my fingers
perfect rings around each knuckle
and slide it out
nice and smooth

slow at first
and harder now
and faster even still
i just can’t get enough of how it feels

a ****** tangled ball of yarn
unraveled mind
an empty bed

empty house, floor is cold
sense of fear

dull gray sky, snow on ground
you're not here

water glass, film on top
baggy-eyed

lost myself, "I'm okay"
dead inside

I love
I hate
I give
I take
I need
I want
I plan
I plot
I will
I won't
I have
I don't
I'm gone
I'm here
I'm mean
I fear
I'm warm
I'm cold
I'm meek
I'm bold
I kiss
I lick
I push
I kick
I hurt
I heal
I'm fake
I'm real
I love
I hate
You were
You're late

There's a hole in my chest where your soul used to be
One day he decided he'd rather be free
I begged and I pleaded but he just couldn't see
Then he floated away, screaming "please rescue me"

There's a hole in my chest where your soul used to be
But my ribs held no comfort, unfortunately
As he drifted away while I flew toward the sea
I cried out, "I'm sorry," and hoped he believed.

My brain has been infected with memories of years gone by
and I can’t sleep
and I can’t create
and I can’t touch
and I can’t feel
and I can’t stop

I want to smell you again
I want to sense you again

Half of my body lies next to me and half of it lies next to you
Half of my heart is in a jar and half of it in a tomb

My mind is split and I regress into years gone by
and I can’t sleep
and I can’t create
and I can’t touch
and I can’t feel
and I can’t stop

I want to surprise you again
I want to inspire you again

Half of my soul is black and blue and half of it is gray
Half of my stomach is on the floor and half of it in my chest

My love is broken and belongs to years gone by
and I can’t sleep
and I can’t create
and I can’t touch
and I can’t feel
and I can’t stop

I want to lie with you again
I want to lie to you again

there’s a sound at the base of my skull today
it goes beekbeekbeek
and then my shoulder goes numb
with fingers tapping out a rhythm I can’t control
or decide
if i am
as they crawl up my arm and across my chest
poking away at my cheeks
digging around inside
pulling out teeth
memorizing

I tried to see what it would be like
to live underwater
but it was no different than up here

everything was just as dark and blurry and confusing
and my eyes still burned
and it still hurt to breathe
and no one could hear me

the only difference
was that from down here, everyone's faces looked wet

and I couldn't hear what you were screaming

Use me up
Break me down
Tear the soul
From my body out
Lay me down
Lay me down
In the grave
You hollowed out

Turn it up
Drown me out
Close this door
Shut me down
Burn my soul
Burn it all
To the ground
To the ground

Wake me up
Wake me up
To the sound
Of my way out
Of this dream
Laid to rest
In the grave
Your hollow chest

My chest filled with rice

Boiling water, your mouth

We could have fed nations

this time you're really
dying, and all i can do
is sit back and watch

it's more than distance
it's not the time between us
it's just that...nothing

The hardest thing I've ever done
is try to convince myself you're not the one
while we continue to go on as friends
knowing we'll never have what we once did, again.

if every time i thought of you
i only shed one tear
i'd have myself an ocean
swimming, wishing you were here

if every time i thought of you
one tear was all i shed
i'd have myself an ocean
drowning, wishing i were dead

is nothing more
than learning to play
a new instrument