Clear off the bed
and come lie next to me
or lie with me
or crawl under these sheets
and die with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clear out your mind
and sink down low with me
or get high with me
or hold my hand
and lose some time with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clean up your act
and fall apart with me
or fall, apart from me
or fall, a part of me
and take some time to cry with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Clean out your car
and run away with me
or run to me
or put it in reverse
and go back to the start with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could get used to this

Cleanse your spirit
and embrace this pain with me
or brace for pain with me
or take a moment to put me back together
and just be with me, with me
or without
I'm used to it
but I could still get used to this

How I wish I was the cigarette
that brings you back down easy
pressed between your soft lips

How I wish I was the sheets
that keep you warm and safe at night
wrapped around your delicate frame

How I wish I was the guitar
that sings familiar to you each night
caressed by your gentle hands

How I wish I was the book
that spoke understanding to you across time
gazed upon intently by your longing eyes

I believe I was the poem
that you created in your sorrow
crumpled up and thrown away

...were you ashamed?

I am tired
of being tired
because I do not sleep
instead I lay
or is it lie
counting these ******* sheep
inside my head
and feeling dead
because in my head I keep
every thought
I’m sure I bought
within me, dark and deep

I’m ******* sick
of being sick
because I am too weak
to just admit
I’m tired of it
this constant losing streak
of all these years
and all these fears
have left me feeling bleak

I haven’t lived
I have not lived
a single ******* day
I hate my brain
I want this pain
to ******* go away

These words can’t show
what I can’t show
but I’m already dead

brick by brick by brick by brick
semantic satiation
castles, majesty, and mighty
sinew segregation
whisper, water wearing down
the rock-wall and the nation

and when i smell you in my clothes
for days after
like the burn of black coffee
when my arms retrace yours
and when i taste you on my teeth
for days after
like the sour of nicotine
when my tongue retraces yours
and when i feel you on my skin
for days after
like the strumming of strings
when my fingertips retrace yours
and when i hear you in my ear
for days after
like the setting of the sun
when my words retrace yours
and when i see you in my dreams
for days after
like the ghost of memory
when my thoughts retrace yours

that is when i begin to worry
that i no longer worry

You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth
and the world at your feet
always taunting me
dauntingly
you held out the spoon
dripping in your spit
I held out my tongue
and prayed for rain
to soothe the pain
of thirst
but never tasted it

And your tongue tasted more like iron
and your touch felt like steel
and so sharp and cold
against the dry of my skin
my sin
you loved to hold
and stole
away from me
the overprotective mother
of a child you *****
and praised

You told me we'd dance
but it felt more like pulling
like swinging
like violently orbiting 'round
the sun you're too well aware you are
you are
bound to burn out before too long

bathe me, cleanse me, shave me
make me
everything you want to take me
touch me
beat me
anything
any kind of embrace will do
will you?

I’m stuck somewhere between your head and your heart
caught in the back of your throat
always on the back of your tongue
and I’ve marked my name and days here in my prison
in the soft tissue around me
I’m sure it will scar, at least a little
my feet are burned from your reflux
and I have lost the strength to climb, to fight
you will not swallow me or spit me out
you just keep me here pressed up against the wall
your voice moves through me, shakes me
I catch a glimpse of the back of your lips
and the memories of when you kept me there, gently, between them
overwhelm me; I long to be back there
back before you gobbled me up
and my grief upon your breath is a breath of strength for me
I’m sure it is my last

I’m stuck somewhere between your head and your heart
caught in the back of your throat
and there are two ways I can go
but I do not want to live in your head anymore
although you know I love the view from out your eyes
but it is far too lonely to live as just a thought
in the magnificent gallery that is your mind
and I am afraid that your heart will read ‘no vacancy’
or that I cannot afford the rent
or that I will grow weak inside the muscle
when it beats me down again
and I will no longer have the strength to climb back up
as I make the drop as the knife makes the plunge
down to your stomach
to be digested
alongside this morning’s coffee
and I fear the caffeine will stay in your system much longer than I will

A is for Almost, how much I tried
B is for Barely, how I survived

C is for Clearly I'm feeling worn thin
D is I'm Dying inside of this skin

E is for Every, the days that feel worst
F is for Fear, the unbearable curse

G is for Guttural, forth from which sorrow boasts
H is for Happy, what I long for the most

I is for how I am screaming Inside
J for how I long to feel Justified

K is for Knowing that none of it's real
L is the Love that I no longer feel

M is Misanthropic, Macabre, Morose
N is I'm Not okay, Not even close

O for the thoughts that become Obfuscated
P is for all of the People I've hated

Q is for the always unanswered Question
R, from the ones I hold dearest, Rejection

S is the Solitary Silence I Seek
T is Trying to fight when I'm weak

U, feeling Ugly, outside and in
V is the whole bottle of Vicodin

W is Working through Panic attacks
X is the whole bottle of Xanax

Y is for You, the only light that I see
Z is the Zeal for life you've brought back to me

when, in those few moments
we share each other’s presence
we steal each other’s time
your kiss it cuts me deeply
from my lips to my ears
down my neck
‘cross my chest
through my stomach
your fingertips peeling away
each layer
the fabric
of safe and fear
I am naked
and you leave me
open
and exposed
vulnerable for hours
while I drive home
stitching myself back together
praying that one day
you let me cut you open, too.

She knelt there on the dusty, stained carpet that stung her ****** knees through torn nylons. The lighting was bad and the air was heavy. Her frame shivered in the warmth of the cheap hotel room of which she wasn’t even sure how she made it to. Her chest rose and fell violently as tears stung across her cheeks and fell like bullets to her sides. Her heart, or what was left of the mutilated muscle, pounded against her ribs like mallets to a vibraphone. She could no longer feel the pain.

Her weak hands grasped the handle of the blade like a child holds mother’s hand, and she realized then that the furniture here wasn’t waiting for her to put on a show. There were no cameras. There was no microphone. No people. No bodies. No eyes. No ears. She was alone. There was no use imagining it as a heartbreaking scene in a movie; a tear inducing, award-winning music video; a postcard. But she moved like a dancer in her mind’s eye as she tightened her grip on the knife in her hand and a tear played across her lips, now bringing in air between them softly and lightly; barely alive. All she wanted was for him to burst through the door, screaming, and run to her; and hold her. She imagined it in her mind; she thought of the whole act, but she wasn’t sure when his lines were. She waited, hesitated as the ceiling refracted shadows of a different world with each passing car on the highway that brought her far from home and into comfort now torn from her soul. No one was running to her, no one was chasing after her, this time.

The blade plunged deep into her chest with an unstoppable force from something preternatural within and without her. Her breathing was fast and harsh as her eyes darted around the room they had shared briefly. Her head spun faster than the walls. The red stain grew across the front of her dress like a flower blossoming. Tears filled her mouth as she finally accepted the realization that she would die here alone and he wasn’t going to find her just in time like in all the stories; even the real ones.

She fell gracefully like feathers from the sky to the floor, to her side. As she bled out she hoped she would think of all of the beautiful moments she had experienced in her life. She hoped she would think of all of the things in life that used to make her happy. She hoped she would think of his face, his touch, his smile, and her love for him.  She hoped she would regret her choice. She hoped she would feel something, anything at all; but all she could think about was how she’d like to notify management about the collections of dust and small debris under the bed left behind by housekeeping. Her lifeless eyes began to close and she knew for the first time she would actually get some rest. In her last moment she felt like the universe; beautiful and infinite and empty. She faded from the world like snow on warm skin as the door opened in slow motion and his blurry shoes couldn’t carry his body to her side, like in all the stories; even the real ones.

He knelt there on the dusty, stained carpet. The lighting was bad and the air was heavy. His frame shivered in the warmth of the cheap hotel room of which he had only paid for hours earlier. He collapsed into himself, weeping silently, wishing he still loved her.

i want to sleep
deeply, soundly
curled up tightly
warm and peaceful
comfortable and quiet
wrapped up in sheets
of paper
covered with your words

I burned my fingers
thinking about when we met
and your nitrogen

i think my feel box is malfunctioning, i gotta find a screwdriver to pop off the faceplate and inspect the insides. it keeps saying the latitude and longitude aren’t localized. i can’t calibrate it because i’m up in the air. it flickers when it beeps and my static causes feedback. birds don’t know anything about artificial connective tissue, but they know all about falling.

a watched *** never boils,
shine red letters, “9:09”
a watched wrist will not cut itself
this wristwatch won’t keep time

my pockets they are full of sand
i think i need a drink
but the bottles are all filled with ships
the salt is full of sink

the kitchen drawers are filled with clothes
the bedroom tile’s stained
theire’s bodies lying in the tub
i flushed it down the drain

“it hurts, it hurts!” i cry out
through the painting on the bed
the pink and blue’s a vivid grey
that noose i made from thread

“BATTY, BATTY, LITTLE ONE”
a psychic claiming womb
“we lies, we lies” he hollers back
a whisper, shoebox tomb

when tap run dry tap tap a vein
i wait ‘fore you(r) reply
the alphabet’s your master now
subvide by multiply

my my my you’re growing
every new voice looks the same
each set of eye’s thats staring back
deferent different game

the early bird just passed we
floating downward wrinkled skin
worm slither in your fat cells
to your wheels on broken rim

we’ve eaten all my vegetables
i’m eating all that’s green
whom made you king i’m paying
there is something underseen

name starts to sound familiar
daily hourslongs each week
enough milk baby didn’t drink
she too loud when i speak

i cut back on the coffee
i’m not laughing, ha ha ha
one tweak, I’m boiled water
it’s 9:10, a smoking ***

Well, I'm the real thing, baby
I'm the talk of the town
and I'm the one that you taste
when her tongue's in your mouth
and I'm the dirt on your hands
that will never come clean
I'm the bleach that you drink
I'm the stains on your sheets

Well, I'm the blisters screaming
every time that you touch
and I'm the ache that keeps you up at night
the sick you stomach
caught in your throat, you can smell me
I'm the plaque on your teeth
you know there's something in the way you gag
that says you love me

And I'm your bedbugs, baby
I'm that itch that you scratch
you get me caught under your fingernails
I spread to your mask
I'm your disease now, sugar
sickly sweet on your breath
so sweat me out
I'm the fever that you'll never forget

Well, I'm the real thing, baby
I'm that crutch that you lust
and I'm the limp and the cramp
when you're trying to run
I'm your infection, honey
your point-oh-eight percent
you see, I go down easy
and you won't feel regret

And I'm your fleas now, sugar
crawling under your skin
you watch me hatch, I'm starving
baby, feed me again
I'm the body writhing
in antibiotic
swallow me whole, my darling
take it slow, I'll act quick

I'm the rash on your skin
I'm the dust in your eye
I'm the hole in the ground
you tried to crawl back inside
I'm the womb, I'm the host
a parasite with a twist
I'm the maggots crawling in the wound you cut
I'm the stitch

And I'm the ashes burning
on the soles of your feet
I'm the sliver stuck under your skin
you tried to lick clean
I'm the scars on your back
the needle mark on your vein
I'm every thought you'll ever have
I hope you'll have me again

'Cause I'm your bedbugs, baby
I'm that itch that you scratch
I'm caught up underneath your fingernails
and under your mask
I'm your disease, you chose me
muttered under your breath
so sweat me out
I'm the fever that you'd love to forget

"That felt like forever,"
and I meant it
as the sound broke through the noise
of the Saturday morning experience
I was having
and enjoying

I caught your eyes
and you hid from my blurry face
behind the thin flesh
as the phosphenes flickered blue and red and yellow
like my father's old television
that clicked loudly when I'd turn the dial

I buried my burning face
In the soft fabric
that's been through the wash one too many times
and I smelled fresh ink
in the sensation of mallets
colliding with my temples

You wrapped all of you
around all of me
and I felt the crude, harsh lines of your figure
against the curves of my hatred
I held my breath
and released my soul

The building collapsed around us
and in the debris I found photographs
of a face I only vaguely remember
and that old broken heirloom
that I still keep around
even though I know it's not worth anything

But for that one second
when my body and spirit connected
and my consciousness slipped away as I fell into a new dissociation
I woke up and understood
that we were existing only for this
and it felt like forever

Something funny I’ve noticed is that when people are honestly just sad about something they tend to use hyperbole and end up saying things like, “I’m so depressed!”

…and what’s strange is that when people are honestly very depressed they also tend to use hyperbole and end up saying things like, “I’m sad.”

sadness* is the tip of the iceberg
visible
while depression resides just below the surface
bobbing, in and out

but this body lingers far beneath
the tension
at the most jagged points
and I can't hold my breath very long
                                                                           ...I have asthma

in the cold night's air
you cannot cling to it for safety
your skin sticks, rips
your feet slip

you try to let go
floating in nothingness
infinite
body weak, lungs crystallized

submerged beneath the surge
I wonder to myself,

                                             ...if i could drain the ocean,
                                                           what volumes lost could raise me now?

and my only wish
is that the Titanic come crashing here
******* me down to the ocean's depths
in the wake

as she sinks

if life’s a house of cards, each hand that she was dealt was too much or too little
and even when she changed the game the hands she played they broke her every time

she only wanted her child to succeed

someday she will be happy, someday she will go back
someday she’ll cut right down that scar and her heart will breathe again

if life’s a bowl of cherries well she broke her teeth when she would bite into them
the fruit was sour but the juice ran down her chin - we all thought it was blood

she only wanted to be loved like a queen

someday she will be thankful, someday she will come back
someday she’ll open up her head and her dreams will live again

~~

and if life’s a box of chocolates you know she prefers, well, any other candy
specifically valentine’s hearts because she likes to bite them down the center

she only wants it all

well life’s a game of russian roulette if she loads the gun you pull the trigger
the early bird will get the worm, the worm will get the fish hooked with one line

she’s different, different now

but someday she will be hopeful, someday she won’t look back
someday she’ll pack her bags, she’ll hit the road, we’ll meet again

once upon a time or two there lived a family
the mama and the daddy and their little girl Prairie
Prairie was a happy child, her smile big as the sea
and her eyes shone like two bright blue stars hung in the galaxy

Prairie was a girl in love like flowers with the bees
with the wind, and how he blew right through and swayed the canopy
she’d breathe him in and hold him in her chest until she’d wheeze
and just as soon as he was there he vanished easily

her eyes looked like two big gray stones, she shook alike the leaves
she felt him all around her but his face she could not see
she cried she cried “I love you so” into the empty breeze
and the only thing the wind brought back was dust to make her sneeze

a broken heart, her body was too weak to move, so she
around her wrists tied red balloons, lifted her off her feet
she watched the landscape fade away, the clouds they kissed her cheeks
and her tears they fell like raindrops down onto the empty street

she laughed and smiled although she cried so hard she could not speak
the wind stirred up and blew right through her like the canopy
she closed her eyes, apologized, her lungs refused to breathe
and the wind grew cold when he couldn’t hold her like she would with he

her mom and dad searched day and night looking for their sweet pea
but the wind had pushed her far away, like secrets kept too deep
they found her body safe and warm nestled between the trees
the animals had gathered ‘round, she smiled in endless sleep

once upon a time or two we all fall to our knees
but time has gone and will go on even so when we weep
but do not hold your heart of gold as black beneath the sheets
for the world is full of love for you my dear, if you believe

I snuck into your room last night
You always leave the doors unlocked and those lights aren’t fooling anyone
The floorboards creaked with cloudy memories and I feared I’d wake you
But your mind was buried so deeply in darkness the sky could not stir you

I laid with you in silence last night
Your bones whimpered and rattled like the bitter cold wind against the windows
The ice must have certainly entered through those tiny cracks in the glass, in your shell
Crystals fell softly from the ceiling and landed upon your cheeks

I took myself away from you last night
Peeled back your eyelids gently and wiped out the cloudiness I’d left there
Soft cotton picked up the old traces left on your skin, your fingertips; under your nails
Your mouth I traced with honey and perfumes; I placed young crickets under your pillow

I left you last night
Though you walked me to the door and watched me drive away, you never once saw me
You must have been dreaming that I was merely visiting; a guest, unaware
Blind to the mirror you dressed yourself in, and adorned in the “all along”

You always were a light sleeper.

When the birds devour me
I hope they start with the soft tissue
my eyes and ears and mouth destroyed
my senses lost to the sky

When the birds devour me
I hope they find their fill in my stomach
where the weight of the world was carried far too long
wearing my viscera like Versace

When the birds devour me
I hope they pick my digits - one through ten and ten again
so I may touch every part of the world when they carry me away
so that my feet may fall on grounds I’d only dreamed to grace

When the birds devour me
I hope they tear open my chest and make their way behind these ribs
not realizing the irony of the situation as they sing
and I am filled with the music with each rise and fall

When the birds devour me
I hope they take my bones between them in their thanksgiving, pulling
wishing for legs to run and hands to hold, for lips to kiss
if they only knew, if they only knew

Open ceiling
Modern edge
Lost the TV
Two lights dead

Fires flicker
Sofa stained
Fingerprinted
Window pane

Booth or table
Shadow box
Fav'rite billboard
Down two blocks

Paint is peeling
Flashing sign
Free access code
Rush crowd time

Added sugar
Should have asked
Darkened corner
Fabric mask

Freezing, scalding
Stomach's sick
Head is spinning
Fog too thick

Cars on corner
Day to day
Repetition
Window pane

Lonely bookshelf
Business date
Recall Sunday
Here too late

Laptop keyboard
Garbage bag
College dropout
Tweet #hashtag

Only lonely
Ghost is near
Notes aplenty
Meet me here

Dear Mr. Bukowski,

I found what I loved the most in this world,
and I let it **** me,
destroy me,
devour me...

...now what?

I am tired of living in fear
Fear that you will not like me
Fear that you will stop liking me
Fear that you will not love me
Fear that you will stop loving me
Fear that you will not want me
Fear that you will stop wanting me
Fear that you will not be with me
Fear that you will leave me
Fear that I will accidentally hurt your feelings
Fear that I will show a side of me you won't like
Fear that you will hurt yourself
Fear that you will love her instead
Fear that you will no longer be my friend
Fear that you never loved me
Fear that you lied to me
Fear that you were never really mine
Fear that you never thought I was yours
Fear that I am doing the wrong thing, no matter what it is
Fear that you loved me and I ruined it
Fear that you didn't but could have
Fear that you didn't and I made more of it in my head than it was
Fear that I gave you all of my heart, all of me, and you ran with it

I have been afraid so long to tell you how I really felt
That I loved you more than I have ever loved before
and I am afraid that if I would have told you sooner things would be okay
and I'm afraid that if we would have never left together things would be okay
and I'm afraid that even if everything happened differently things would be the same as they are now

And now I'm afraid to tell you how much you hurt me
and how I feel lied to, used, abandoned, and confused
how much I want to hate you, but can't, and how unfair I think you were
and how much you are killing me now
I'm afraid

I'm always afraid

I'm tired of being afraid.
I'm tired of fear.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.

And I'm absolutely mad.
And I'm absolutely dead.

The meaning of time
A black box of secret snakes
Biting into clouds

i'll be the toxin
if you wear me on your skin
if you feel me in your veins i'm working
my way
into your heart
across your lungs
and take the blood from bone
let me be the toxin
and you'll never feel alone
but i'll leave you
barren
bony
cold
and dry
just the way i like it
just the way you died

• reflect any light that shines upon you
• chase after only the brightest star
• always keep the best parts of you hidden
• play with the ocean
• don't respond to hoots or wolf-whistles
• disappear completely at least once a month

I am planting flowers in the blood-soaked battleground
I light the soil on fire and spread the ashes of the unlucky fruit
The elephant turns to me and gives me a hoot
He's telling me someone brought a clock into the garden!
I smile and breathe in the thick citrus air
"The ticking stops!" a tiny voice appears
"We haven't a care, we haven't a care"
She wears a hat for every occasion, and her hair grows out her ears and down across her nose
Her body floats in a fizzy sea far away from the place her mother was born
We cried so hard we laughed
Our faces like ice

I've been looking for you
you were lost from me quite some time ago now
but I think I found you today
in that moment
after you've just stopped the water running
from the hottest shower you could tolerate
and your skin is bright red
and you pull back the curtain
to a room filled with steam
because you forgot to turn on the fan
and you've forgotten to set out a towel
and the cold of the air starts to settle in
and you glance over at the mirror
all fogged up
but you can see the traces of the past in it
(you see, mirrors don't easily forget)
and you can't make out your own reflection in it
(you see, mirrors don't easily forgive)
and you stand there exposed
as the brume floats all around you
and the haze begins to settle
ahh yes...there you are...
I've been looking for you.

A blade spun ‘round your finger marks my neck
Her mouth is swollen and flowering
Juice drips down my fingers digging out the meaty fruit
The air citrine

Your eyes are greener than the summer we spent driving every waterfall straight into the ground
Crashing with the frozen rock we stirred in melting mirrors
Did we actually find the time?

The whiskey was strong but your fingers broke
Every string leading back to wire
No soft fraying, no dye, no red attachment underground
The lyrics lied and you blamed my gait

My stomach bursts in my dreams now
Her teeth are spread out between a hanging tongue
And I’ve only just learned my name

white smoke rolled out from betwixt parted lips, soft and pale
it rolled across the golden sand as it refracted under whispers
and the sun it billowed ‘cross, now blackened by the sea
whose waves did it invalidate with hopes and fears and dreams

will you leave me in the morning
with these scars run through my head
and the only thing I’m calling
is your name across my bed

but I wait
for you
I wait
forever it seems

will you hold me when I’m mourning
with your hands upon my chest
and your touch it leaves me shaking
when you lay me down to rest

but I come
to you
I come
to the endless sea

of lovers you’ve had before
and I’ll wait on the empty shore
I’ll stay with you forever
if you’d love me just tonight

lead me out of this fear
I’m alone though you’re near
I’ve been waiting all my life
will you love me tonight?

I’m up before the sun most days

Drinking instant coffee and debating with myself

I write out all my thoughts and no conclusions come to mind

The phone rings off the hook but no one calls

I leave the house but never go outside

And every wall remembers what I’ve done behind fresh paint

No grounds for or from

I sleep before the dawn, between the lines

You downed that liquid courage like there was hope at the bottom of the bottle,
And each glass that lay strewn across the floor reminded me
That this house we tried to make our home was nothing more than a wooden box
Which would, at any moment, collapse and become a casket for two;
The final vessel and resting place of our love.

I filled with tears the remains of what gave you peace every day,
Hoping you would think you overlooked a carton and had some more indulgence to enjoy,
But you knew something was different about what was left after the first time through;
And you looked at me suspiciously from that day on,
Knowing full well that you had changed something in me, and I in you.

You spoke those words with the tongue of a snake, the sting of a scorpion;
Deep into the tissue that poison traversed and tainted -
A wound so deep that it bled out quick and left me feeling drained and dry
And hollow like the ground before death calls it home;
Reassuring in me that the ghosts that were haunting me were real.

I swam to shore alone that day, tired, sore and breathless,
But when I looked back across the horizon I couldn't tell where the sky met the Earth
For everything was a reflection of everything and everything was still;
Much like the heart inside this cage you rattled so hard it broke,
Tearing the bird from it's nest and hanging me out to dry.

Sometimes I wonder if you really think of me. You spend so much time in your own head I wonder if there is any room up there for some one like me, with all my insecurities. I’d spend all day inside your brain if you would let me.


Sometimes I wonder what you’re thinking when you laugh right out of nowhere - no relation to the present situation - and it’s usually a joke you have between you and yourself and no one else quite understands but I am trying.


     Sometimes I wonder who we are. Sometimes I wonder just how far you want to take me down  
     this path that we are making. And sometimes I wonder about not a thing at all; and other times I
     find myself trying my hardest to recall.


Sometimes I wonder if we’d be friends if we met when we were kids, both aging much more rapidly than all our friends. And by the time we grew up, crookedly, would you be sick and tired of me? We’d see the time each other started dying.


Sometimes I wonder what you dream when you’re asleep or if you have a fantasy world like I do but that’s my secret. And I wonder if someday you’ll store all your secrets inside me and I’ll hide them from this dark, depressing, dream ingesting world.


     Sometimes I wonder what we are. Right now I wonder if my car will make it to your house when
     it and I am shaking. Sometimes I wonder if someday I’ll be driving to our house; finally a place
     where we can maybe try to get some sleep.


Sometimes I wonder if you worry ‘bout things you say ‘round me. Do you feel stupid, do you feel crazy, do you think that you might scare me? Do I steal your breath away with each kiss like you do to me? Or am I mystifying, romanticizing this time?


Sometimes I wonder what you do when I’m not there or you’re not here, because you’re interesting, and I worry because I care. Sometimes I wonder ‘bout the spaces in-between your fingers where your soul begins and this world ends and I know my lips have been.


     Sometimes I wonder if we are. Sometimes I’m really ******* far away and I can’t say the
     meanings I am thinking. And sometimes you need your space and sometimes I need my space,
     too. We like alone but alone’s better when I’m with you.


     Sometimes I’m scared half to death. Just want to rest my spinning head upon your chest and
     listen softly to the rhythm and I hope you know I’m hopeful that things will be okay someday I
     hope you know that I mean every word I say.

I awoke into
A graveyard of bronze horses
The metalwork entwined with dead roots
Upon their backs were words I could not read
About lonely hands
And a plaque was set into the stone
That I could not remove
With dry leaves blown round my feet
I wondered how I'd returned

well they say that your heart is the size of your fist
and my friends try to hit me but most times they miss
but your heart is a wrecking ball, i can’t escape it
and now I can’t remember the last time we kissed

and you buried my heart somewhere under your sheets
and my soul is out in the rain wandering the streets
and my mind’s in november trying to piece this together
and my body is trying so hard to remember

that there was a time when you looked in my eyes
and you told me i’m beautiful, but was it a lie
are these memories, killing me, haunting you too
and did you ever love me, dear, like i love you

were those words that you wrote to me covered in ink
that would wash away easy in the bathroom sink
off your hands, as you wash out the memory of me
while your colors still stain everything that i see

well they say that your heart is as big as your fist
and for all the times i’ve been knocked out i have missed
and your heart is a wrecking ball, can we survive this
when i can’t even remember the last time we kissed

yeah you buried my broken heart under these sheets
and my lonely soul’s lost somewhere out on the streets
and my mind’s in november trying to keep us together
and my body is shaking as i try to remember

the time that you held me and looked in my eyes
and you made me feel beautiful, and i felt alive
now these memories are killing me, do you miss me too
and could you ever love me, now, like i love you

were those words that you spoke to me covered in ink
that would wash away easily right down the sink
wash your hands of this, wash out the colors of me
while your memory stains everything that i see*

and they say that your heart is the size of your fist
and my friends try to hit me but most times they’ve missed
and your heart is a wrecking ball, i can’t escape it
and now i can’t remember the last time i kissed you.

Depression
is not romantic
it is not
tear drops on rusty guitar strings
accompanying a soft trembling voice
it is not
cigarette smoke from soft lips
highlighted by pale moonlight through the window
it is not
bitter black coffee in recycled paper cups
discussing how much it can compare itself to you
it is not
somber solace found in between the lines she wrote
displayed as the flower-adorned suicide note you hang in your locker
it is not
being held as you weep
your lover's soul pouring into your cold body
it is not
a gentle touch wiping away your tears
and fixing what was never broken
it is not
romantic at all
and it is not
yours
and you can not
tell me
that my depression
is a human
or any sort of noun
when you've never felt it verb
through your temples
and it is not
yours
and you can not
tell me
that there's anything
romantic
about it

my darling
you have
the most beautiful eyes

how i’d love
to pluck them
from out your fairest skull

and swallow them whole
so you can see
my inner demons

and i can taste
your tears
inside of me

I thought of all the things you do, the things that make me smile
and though the pain still beats inside, it helped me for awhile
I hope, for you, thing things I do stretch your lips ‘cross for miles

I thought of all the things you do, the things that make me swoon
and though my head is still a mess, it helped me through the gloom
I hope, for you, the things I do help you shine like the moon

I thought of all the things you do, the things that make me laugh
and though the tears well in my eyes, it helped me to relax
I hope, for you, the things I do make you feel not so bad

I thought of all the things you do, and hoped you that you thought back

Dear Morning,

      Please believe me, I know you're still shining...but it's me - I just can't see how I used to see at all. When I wake, the darkness holds me. He wraps his hands around my waist. He pulls me in. I shake but I know I cannot escape.

Just hold me closer
I will obey
My body dies but I'm awake
Forced to carry on
It's my mistake

      I know you will leave me, my love; you will break me, I know, you will never love me like you've loved before.

Just hold me closer
I will obey
My heart will die while I'm awake
Forced to carry on
It's my mistake

Maybe rock bottom
Could become
The solid foundation
We've both been searching for.

You are like a lightbulb
the kind that burns out slowly
bright white light that fills the room
daily yellowing
the dust in the air becomes more visible
as the words on the page darken
even my own hands change in your glow
and you begin to fade
flickering now and then
reminding me you still exist
and you are still trying to stay here
but I know you won’t last long
as you pulse from dark to darker
sometimes you do not shine at all
and I fear you have truly gone
but you manage a subtle gleam
and I sit under your warmth, waiting
for the day your filament burns away
and the connection can no longer be made
the spark is no longer enough
and I will remove you from where I once hung you
above my head, above my hands, placed among stars
but I will not throw you out
for you once lit my room
you showed me the brilliance of color
that had always existed around me, but I could not see
and you allowed me to see myself
in reflection
so I will keep you
wrapped in silk and cotton, in a box lined with velvet
in the back of the bottom drawer
hidden in the empty space there
where my heart once was.

everyday feels like dreaming
I scream but I can't wake up
and the feeling of falling won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

everyday feels like repeating
I feel less and less each time
and the swimming, the spinning won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

every day feels like drowning
I gasp with every breath
and the constant corrosion won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore
I'm terrified

everyday feels like dying
I cry but the tears never flow
and the beating and breaking won't stop

I'm not afraid anymore

in a fit of rage
i slammed the door
and shook the earth so hard
the stars fell from the sky

amongst their jagged edges
i found your body

you’ve been asleep for far too long

I thought I heard a mirror rattling

Loose upon the wall

Shaking as you hurried past

Trembling in the dark

It’s not a metaphor

The pennies in your empty mug

It’s bad luck if you don’t clean up the shards

so many things I want to say

but the words just play over and over again behind my lips

and they bubble and foam at the corners of my mouth

until they spill down my chin

and I wipe them away with the sleeve of my jacket

where they dry up amongst the novels

that are carried out to sea

with the suds from the washing machine.

If Insanity's doing something again and again
expecting different results every time
then lock me up, dear, for I'm afraid that I've been
insane all along, trying to make you mine

but I see now where the mistake was hidden
I've simply been out of my mind

once you are gone
there will be no evidence that you were ever here at all
no photographs
no letters
no clothes left behind
the smell of your hair will not be on my pillow
your warmth will not resonate in my bed
I will find no hair of yours hidden among my sheets
and I will eventually find it hard to prove even to myself
that there was a time when you existed
and I ask myself
if you even do
now