You are like a lightbulb
the kind that burns out slowly
bright white light that fills the room
daily yellowing
the dust in the air becomes more visible
as the words on the page darken
even my own hands change in your glow
and you begin to fade
flickering now and then
reminding me you still exist
and you are still trying to stay here
but I know you won’t last long
as you pulse from dark to darker
sometimes you do not shine at all
and I fear you have truly gone
but you manage a subtle gleam
and I sit under your warmth, waiting
for the day your filament burns away
and the connection can no longer be made
the spark is no longer enough
and I will remove you from where I once hung you
above my head, above my hands, placed among stars
but I will not throw you out
for you once lit my room
you showed me the brilliance of color
that had always existed around me, but I could not see
and you allowed me to see myself
in reflection
so I will keep you
wrapped in silk and cotton, in a box lined with velvet
in the back of the bottom drawer
hidden in the empty space there
where my heart once was.

i feel myself going numb again, and it's nice, and it's scary.

i just wish you'd come rescue me,

but i know i'm on my own.

besides, even if you wanted to, you'd probably be too late.

I am tired of living in fear
Fear that you will not like me
Fear that you will stop liking me
Fear that you will not love me
Fear that you will stop loving me
Fear that you will not want me
Fear that you will stop wanting me
Fear that you will not be with me
Fear that you will leave me
Fear that I will accidentally hurt your feelings
Fear that I will show a side of me you won't like
Fear that you will hurt yourself
Fear that you will love her instead
Fear that you will no longer be my friend
Fear that you never loved me
Fear that you lied to me
Fear that you were never really mine
Fear that you never thought I was yours
Fear that I am doing the wrong thing, no matter what it is
Fear that you loved me and I ruined it
Fear that you didn't but could have
Fear that you didn't and I made more of it in my head than it was
Fear that I gave you all of my heart, all of me, and you ran with it

I have been afraid so long to tell you how I really felt
That I loved you more than I have ever loved before
and I am afraid that if I would have told you sooner things would be okay
and I'm afraid that if we would have never left together things would be okay
and I'm afraid that even if everything happened differently things would be the same as they are now

And now I'm afraid to tell you how much you hurt me
and how I feel lied to, used, abandoned, and confused
how much I want to hate you, but can't, and how unfair I think you were
and how much you are killing me now
I'm afraid

I'm always afraid

I'm tired of being afraid.
I'm tired of fear.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.

And I'm absolutely mad.
And I'm absolutely dead.

When Everything feels bad...
                                                      
          ...Nothing feels good...
                    
                                  *Nothing feels good.

I never liked the winter, it’s much too cold for me; but even summer’s sun can’t warm me now, and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep.

My head and I are fighting again. You know I never win these arguments. Silhouettes on skin, so pale, I traced them with my lipstick and they fractured in reflections and rearview mirrors and spoiled milk.

Crumpled receipt paper, change in my sleeves, and holes. The moths came in and ate away so slowly. Light me on fire and I’ll run.

But don’t you follow me, my friend, into this darkness, cause it’s my time and you’re so young. I know you’ll make it. And if you ever need me, I’ll be there in your memory forever. Just think good things of me - I beg you, I beg you.

I can’t touch anything, my hands just go through. Stomach walls dampen the pulse, the tube pulled from my throat, fingertips smooth.

Throw your skeleton away. Remember me in shades of porcelain. Howl out, keening. Erase myself. I wish I could change.

Destroy, destroy. The light goes out, I held my breath, I’m gone for days, chemical shift. A final kiss? Now don’t you miss me. Opened out, I stitched you in.

But don’t you follow me my friend, into this darkness, cause it’s my time and you’re so young. I know you’ll make it. But if you ever need me I’ll be there in your consciousness forever. Just think good things of me - I beg you, I beg you.