Every night I lay here on my bed just
Staring at the ceiling while my mind races,
Thoughts in my head constantly ringing your name
Whether you're okay, whether you're alive,
Whether you still maybe hopefully remember me.

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Tugging at the blankets while my tears flow
Because maybe I had another flashback or
Because my creative mind thought of another nightmare where you die
Over and over and over again.
I am gripped with fear and my breathing quickens again.
I worry constantly about you.

Every night I lay here on my bed just
Tossing and turning because I
Just can't sleep.
I roll around in bed but all these thoughts fill my head.
Sometimes I wonder if you know that I care for you.
And inside,

I know you don't.

Because I never plucked up the ******* courage to
Tell you straight to your face that
I ******* care and that I really love you.
I pray every day that I don't go school and the principal says that
We need to have one minute of silence because
You died. You jumped.

You left me.

Sometimes I wonder if you forgot the promise.
That you'd leave me here all alone.
Sometimes I wonder if you still consider me your best friend.
Because you've always been mine and still are.
What matters is that I'm in your heart and you're in mine.
But I don't really know where I am anywhere now.

I'm sorry if you got mad that I overdosed.
I'm sorry if I added on to your burdens.
I'm sorry that I'm never there to protect you or care.
I'm sorry.

I really am.

I am angry.
Very angry.
And I don't even know Why but

Reading everything
Absorbing everything
Feeling everything

I feel extremely mad.
I feel the need to put a hole in the wall.
I feel the need to bang my head so hard it splits up
Nicely in the center.
I feel the urge to tear up the room.

I'm angry. Very angry.

**** it, I don't want to be destructive again.
I can't afford to be.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

I can't be bad again.

Sometimes I rewatch Anna's video
Over and over and over again.
And I replace Anna with you:
Having to say those heartbreaking words
With tears welled up and a dying voice.

I kind of die inside.

The first person I ever saw pass on
Was my great grandmother,
The wonderful woman who had 11 kids in total,
Second in line would be my grandmother,
Another special woman in my life.
I only remember my great grandmother
In her little wheelchair I loved to push around,
Or her four-pointed walking stick which I used as
Monkey bars and swung around,
Or the times we had to carry her into the toilet because
She couldn't help herself.
A few years later,
She moved out and I cried.
The strange thing was
I never cried during her funeral,
I didn't even weep when she took her last breath
With her eyes wide open on the hospital bed.
Everyone else was crying like mad,
And honestly in that moment,
I just felt weird.
Like a heartless creature who felt nothing.
People stared at me with their hateful tear-filled eyes.
I didn't like that. Not at all.
Maybe that's why,
Up to date,
I'm still trying to fix that.
Hoping for a chance to maybe feel grief again.

And this time I'd cry like crazy.
Mostly because now I am crazy.

I do not cry in front of people
But that does not mean I do not cry.

I am strong in front of people
But that does not mean I am not weak.

I am happy in front of people
But that does not mean I am not sad.

I am normal to all the people
But that does not mean I am not crazy.

Because I know it deep inside
I'm mentally ill and that if they ever saw that side of me,
They'd wonder what kind of  monster  they had just

Stared at.

Habit never bores me,
Pattern builds me up,
Convention is a comfort
And it hugs me like a pup.
So when there is a difference
It bothers me so much
When my weekly ritual's broken
It just seems wrong wrong wrong.